Everything around him was darkness. Cold and utter darkness. His eyes stung, the rest of his body numb. Sirius had sunk so deep he had lost every sense of orientation, but he didn´t care. It didn´t matter.
Unconsciously his lips started parting, he only noticed, that he must have opened his mouth, when he felt the cool water stream into him and sensed the slight taste of salt on his tongue – but no, he did not intend to drown himself. He hardly even noticed what was happening, the only thing he craved at the moment was the smooth comfort he always used to find in the icy water of the lake, the feeling of security it usually gave him, but tonight he couldn´t find it. So he had let his body descend deeper and deeper into the vast blackness of the lake – still, without success.
Sirius had lost track of time completely, for it felt like he had been down in the water forever, which couldn´t be true, because his lungs had not yet started to scream for oxygen. Nevertheless - his brain had apparently taken up its work again - he knew he´d better get out of the water before the freezing cold of the water robbed him of all his senses. Otherwise, breaking the surface of the water would mean reentering the world outside, the world he was running from, because he couldn´t bear to live with what he had done, he wasn´t brave enough to face their disappointment. So, why not take the easy road and…-
-SPLASH-
Suddenly everything was a blur. He couldn´t see anything, but Sirius had heard a muted splashing sound and he felt foreign limbs grab his waist – `the Giant Squid?`, was his first thought - and drag him somewhere, he didn´t know whether they were directed up- or downwards. Not until he felt a chilly breeze hit his cheeks. Only now did he realize his body´s dire need for air. Hastily he sucked in the fresh night´s air, painfully ignoring the stings this sent through his lungs. At that moment he really felt like dying, like it couldn´t get any worse – but as always, when someone thinks something like that, it was just about to get even worse.

'You stupid git!' James shouted, panting.
'Are you trying to kill yourself? You could´ve just asked me, I would´ve gladly taken that job into my hands!'

Sirius was still trying to calm his burning lungs, but even if he wasn´t, he wouldn´t have known what to answer.

'You know, he´s lying in the hospital wing just as we´re speaking! In fact, both of them are!' Sirius hadn´t noticed until now, that the moon had already set and that day was dawning – the most horrible night of his live had seemingly ended, but this was just the beginning of even more pain and horror. He couldn´t even bring himself to think of the two boys lining in the hospital wing. Sirius needn´t ask who 'both of them' were, Remus and Snape must both have received serious injuries – all because of him.

'Why?' James´ voice suddenly sounded soft, he was sitting down on the ground, leaning on a tall willow´s trunk and burying his face in his arms.
'You are my best mate, you´ll always be! You´re like a brother to me, but how could you betray him like that? I… I thought he meant something to you, I thought the word 'friendship' meant something to you! And what the hell is wrong with you, to just run away from the mess you´ve caused and try to drown yourself like a filthy little coward?' Now James´ voice broke, it was too dark to see more than shadows, but Sirius could hear that his best friend was trying to hold back his tears – and failing.
'You… you can´t leave like that, you…-'

Sirius had finally found his voice.
'I didn´t!' he croaked, every word hurting like hell. 'I just wanted to get away from all of this, drown out the horror I felt when I noticed, what I had done, and this is where I always go if I want to be all by myself.' James still didn´t seem satisfied.
'Usually I go here for a swim, at least every other night I wake up from some stupid nightmare, feeling angry or helpless or alone…' Shit, why did he even tell James all that? He had never talked to anyone about his feelings like that, he felt weaker and more vulnerable than ever before and he thanked everything that was sacred (which were only a select few things to him, anyway) for the shelter of the darkness.
'You and the others never notice, but those dreams get really bad… they´re real! I mean, they always show me the darkest hours of my life, it´s almost like being tortured by the Cruciatus curse again…' he shouldn´t have said that. James didn´t know, but Sirius had actual experience with that curse – as a victim only, of course, of his tyrant of a father – and his words brought back the memories and all the emotions he tried to suppress in order to keep his sanity.
'I… I usually come here for a swim…' Sirius repeated, stuttering, in an attempt to distract James from what he had confessed. The other boy seemed shocked speechless.

'You know, I don´t have that muscular body just by nature, it´s because I spend half my nights ridding myself of my rage at what my family has done to me by getting physical exercise down here at the lake… but that´s not why I´m doing it, I mean, my body… the water comforts me, when I swim I don´t have to concentrate on anything but the movements of my limbs, I don´t have to wear that mask of nonchalance I put on whenever I´m around other people, I can just let go and…' Without warning James hugged him fiercely.

Sirius took a deep breath, he had to continue to explain the pandemonium that was going on inside him. He felt that if he didn´t do it now, he would never muster up the courage to do so.

'You asked, why I told Snape. I… I know this was the most stupid thing I ever did, I really hate the fact that I never think before I do things, that I am so impulsive, so downright foolish! I just, I hated him so much at that moment! I wanted him to never open that stupid mouth of his again!'
Sirius growled and hit the trunk they were now both leaning against with his closed fist, the pain calmed him.
'He ran into me on my way to dinner, at first I didn´t even notice it was him, but then he spat at me and told me I was a disgrace for the wizarding world, that I should be ashamed of myself for being too stupid to acknowledge my duties as heir of the Black family and even worse, for allying myself with blood traitors and 'filthy half-breed creatures', as he put it. I was so shocked, at first I was unable to speak or move, but then he continued! He had noticed the shocked expression on my faced and put on a sardonic smile saying that he knew, and that it was just a matter of time until everyone knew. He was threatening to ruin Remus´ life! I struck him, in his face, his disgusting little face!' Sirius emphasized this triumphantly, if only to delay the last part of his recollection, his confession.
He closed his eyes, feeling more confident like that.
'You certainly are aware that I´ve never hit him before, neither of us have ever used physical violence against him, it was always magic… Well, he noticed that too… and made his own conclusions…'

'Yeah, hitting him, that´s a new one… but I don´t think it´s that unusual, I don´t know what you´re getting at…' James sounded confused.

'You´ll understand in a minute…' Why was this so hard? After everything that happened the previous night, pouring his soul out to his best friend in the world should come as a relief.
'Okay… So I struck him, but the smug grin stayed on his lips and widened, mocking me even more. 'Oh, I see, you are the knight in shining armor whose duty it is to defend the Lady Lupin´s honor? Or are you the Lady in that twisted relationship of yours?' and then I told him… where to go, if he wanted to watch… us and our twisted relationship…' Sirius´ voice trailed off, lost in yet another painful memory.

'But that´s ridiculous!' James burst out. 'Why did that stupid comment bother you so much? I mean, some people are giving me the same shit about you and me, because we´re so close and defend each other at every occasion, but that´s loyalty, that´s friendship!'

'No, in my case it´s more.' Sirius almost whispered now. 'He was right in his assumptions, Prongs! I´ve been trying to figure out my feelings for Moony for a while now and I think I might like him a bit more than in a friendly way… but I´m still struggling with this realization myself, I… he… I didn't want him to have that information about me, it´s still new to me and my love life is none of his business, I´ve never loved someone before, it feels so pure and sweet – and don´t look at me like that, I don´t need to see your face to know that you were rolling your eyes when I said 'pure and sweet' - I know it sounds terribly cheesy but that´s the only way I can describe why exactly I got so angry at him! I didn´t want Snape to ruin that pureness, I needed some more time to get used to it myself before anyone could confront me like that…Shit, I am so sorry… '

The sun had risen high enough to allow Sirius to look into James´ eyes – although he had no idea where this courage had come from. James looked more than a bit surprised, he surely hadn´t seen that coming.

'You really are fucked up, mate!' was all he said, his lips turning into a smile when he laid his arm around his best friend´s shoulders. The sat like that for more than an hour without any words being said, but it was not an awkward and uncomfortable sort of silence, they just didn´t need to say aloud what they were thinking in order to understand each other for the two dark haired boys truly were brothers in spirit.