Jinchuuriki Gathering
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!
A/N: People, a word, if you will. I have absolutely NO idea as to the names of the jinchuuriki other than Nii, Gaara, Naruto and Killer Bee (by the way. WTF). And while I might—MIGHT—change the names according to propriety if you tell me, I wouldn't get my hopes up.
Summary: Naruto can't recall what he was thinking when he started this nonsense. Knowing him, it was probably something about how ramen tasted better when eaten in large groups. Based off of manga chapter 420's cover page.
A quick guide—
Ichibi (one tail) tanuki: Sabaku no Gaara (male, aged 18)
Nibi (two tails) cat: Nii Yugito (female, aged 26)
Sanbi (three tails) turtle: Itagaki Kame (female, aged 11)
Yonbi (four tails) owl: Iwakura Hisoka (male, aged 29)
Gobi (five tails) coyote: Sugi Takeshi (male, aged 34)
Rokubi (six tails) jaguar: Asafuka Katsutoshi (male, aged 14)
Shichibi (seven tails) panda: Mizumaki Akemi (female, aged 15)
Hachibi (eight tails) ox: Kuromori 'Killer Bee' Kumakichi (RAPPING male, aged 45)
Kyuubi (nine tails) fox: Uzumaki Naruto (aged 18)
x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x
You couldn't see much in the gloom, but you could just about make out the enormous stone feet whose toes curled up curiously, each digit accommodating a lone figure.
"Are all the members present?" the blond's voice boomed out in the dark. He stood on the right foot's big toe, and glared impressively around at the others, blue eyes shining merrily in the dark.
"Akemi is in the loo," Nii Yugito said, "She says she blames the burritos we had for lunch. I think she's planning to sue."
"Damn it," Naruto swore, "I knew I should've added a clause on digestive disorders in the contract."
A ghetto drawl echoed from the little toe of the left foot. "Yo dawg/fuck this shit/ why I gotta be here/ and who's that git?" an airy gesture was made to the little toe of the right foot, where a man in all black with a bright orange mask was waving gleefully to the company.
The Rokubi vessel spoke up, his voice boasting a soft lilt. "Loathe though I am to agree with any idiot that rap-speaks, Bee has a valid point. He is not a jinchuuriki, Naruto."
"I told you," the kyuubi carrier said impatiently, "You gotta call me Leader-sama or Sir Leader!"
"But we know your name, lad," the redheaded Yonbi vessel, Hisoka mused, "What be the point in calling ye that?"
"And you have yet to answer my question," Katsutoshi added, dipping his head to blow some bubbles from his pine wood pipe.
"That's just Tobi," Naruto said, "He's here to even the odds. Now Akatsuki has ten people, and we do too!"
Akemi returned from her trip to the loo and took up position next to her closest friend, Kame. "Okay, the next time I agree to eat anything cooked by mask face over there—" she gestured wildly to the Gobi vessel, "just kill me and spare me the trouble."
"No problem," Kame hissed.
"AHEM. So, all the members are present? I can call the meeting to order?" Naruto coughed loudly.
There were grumbles of assent, and Naruto began roll call. "Gaara!"
A coil of sand curled lazily into the air from the third toe of the left foot, and everyone grumbled again over the uppity attitude of the boy.
"Gaara," Naruto warned, "Just because you bonded with Shukaku doesn't mean you get to show off. All members will respond to the roll call vocally. It was in the contract!"
"A contract I would have never signed had I been told exactly what I was in for," Takeshi muttered, and Bee nodded vigorously to back him up. "I'll say/ this is fucking gay/ no one told me we'd be led/ by some punk who still wets his bed!"
"I told you I stopped doing that months ago! Anyway….Nii?"
"Right next to you," the sandy haired woman rolled her eyes, "On the second toe of the right foot."
"Kame?"
"Alive and at attention, too bad for me. On the fourth toe of the right foot."
"Hisoka?"
"Aye lad, I be on the fourth toe of the left foot."
"Takeshi?"
"Hmm, yes. I'm on the big toe of the left foot."
"Katsutoshi?" Naruto squinted into the darkness where a demure line of soapy, clear bubbles were issuing forth.
"I am present, and I believe I am on the second toe of the left foot."
"Akemi?"
"Yeah, I'm over here next to Kame on the third toe of the right foot."
"Killer Bee..."
"Yo mofo/ killer bee is me/ I'm opposite the faggot/ can't you see?"
"And…Tobi."
"Tobi is a good boy, because Tobi on the tiniest toe of the left foot of the pretty feet! Tobi loves his toe very much and hopes that this Leader-sama is much nicer than the old one, who was mean to Tobi." With the conclusion of the speech, the male drooped comically, and Akemi guffawed in the stunned silence that followed.
"Right…" Naruto shook his head to clear the stupid from it (although it would take an awful lot of shaking to clear it all) "To business. We must and we will kick Akatsuki's punk ass, because we are badass demon vessels, but we are not the badass demons themselves. And anyone that argues with us is going DOWN!"
"He's quite the motivational speaker," Katsutoshi murmured, amused.
"That's what I'm talking about/ that's why I signed up/ I'll make those mofos shout/ and I'll kill them cold to make them shut up!"
"I've got a question," Kame spoke out, "Why is the blond baka our…leader?"
They could all hear the sneer in her voice.
"I've got a few words for you," Naruto grinned ferally, "Kyuubi no Kitsune/Youko." A brief spurt of red chakra in his aura incited a short period of respectful silence as each jinchuuriki conferred with its inner demon as to the power of the Nine-tailed Fox to lord it over them. When it became quite clear that Kyuubi could kick their collective asses three ways to Tuesday, everyone murmured their approval of their leader.
"Will you all join me in this quite possibly life-threatening and rather clandestine adventure!?" Naruto bellowed.
"Like we have a choice; you little brat," Nii scowled, but judging from the various sounds of assent, it seemed that the other members of 'Anti-Akatsuki' had let the fact that Naruto had tricked them into signing those stupid, legally binding contracts slip their minds.
And so it began. Who knew how it would end? But the kyuubi carrier was determined that Akatsuki should be defeated by their prey, and no one else, and what Naruto wanted, Naruto got.
Usually.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Obviously, I pretty much screwed the pooch on all timelines. Obviously, I took liberties with genders—Sanbi jinchuuriki is definitely androgynous looking. Obviously, I also raped the animals designated to the tails—there should BE a fucking jaguar demon, it suits the jinchuuriki. One final obviousness—I don't rap. Less obviously, but more importantly, I don't care. It just makes sense for the vessels to bite Akatsuki in the ass.
And there WILL be biting. :evil grin:
