Snittens and Mittens: A story of Snape and kittens

Once upon a time, there was an adorable wizard named Snape. He had lovely black hair than shone like a greasy pancake. He loved to drift around the Hogwarts corridors like a sinister thundercloud towed by a bat. The students were so in awe of his beauty and his triumphant grins that they cowered in fear at his approach.

One day, while prancing through the Hogwarts meadows, he was distracted by a delightful monarch butterfly that was softly fluttering by. Suddenly, his foot sank into a hole and he toppled over like a Christmas tree at Christmas. As he lay in the muck, considering the best spell to use to right himself again, he felt a soft tickle on his cheek. He was too cranky to be afraid, and looked up angrily to see what was causing the disturbance.

Brushing his stubbly cheek was an adorable black and orange kitten. It was even more adorable than he! He liked the kittens dark spots, as they reminded him of his own cute dark soul. However, he was angered by the orange. How dare a kitten pilfer such a significant colour scheme as that of Halloween?! Snape loved Halloween more than he loved himself, Lily, and cheese sandwich crackers combined. It was the only time he could dress up like a flower vender without being mocked mercilessly by the dastardly Harry Potter.

Blinded by fury, he launched himself at the kitten. His enormous bulk would have squashed the usurping creature had it not been so villainously quick. The Halloween kitten dodged his well-crafted attack, and started to cry pitifully. Soon a mob a mewling kittens filled the meadow, and Snape knew he could not fight off them all. But he had to try.

Gathering his wand, he tried to disarm all the kittens. However, being kittens, they were all unarmed, so his spell had no effect. Snape could not believe that they had outwitted him so. He tried to set them on fire, and but they spat at him and the flames were extinguished. Stumped again, he turned to his last resort: summoning his friend Mitt Romney.

"Accio Romney!" he cried, hoping against hope that Romney would not be too busy campaigning fruitlessly in Ohio. The election was months past, but Romney would not give up. Snape hoped that the chance to battle kittens would give Romney the edge over Obama in the latest election.

Suddenly, Mitt Romney appeared, in all his rich old white man glory. He ran full tilt towards the kittens, hoping to use the element of surprise to startle the kittens into a spontaneous surrender. He was mistaken. Instead, they grew angrier, hissing and spitting with all their tiny kitten strength. Mitt, scared by their dislike of him, scampered away.

Left by himself, Snape realized he had no choice. He would have to join them so as to avoid a terrible death by kitten. Using flowers and plants that were conveniently nearby, he made himself a set of kitten ears and put them o his head. Next he made a long soft tail. With these items complete, he began to mimic the kitttens' meowing sounds. This surprised the kittens. The looked at each other, and as if they had unanimously decided to welcome Snape into ther ranks, they licked his head lovingly. Snape followed them into the forest, happy that his adorableness would now be fully appreciated.