Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or anything else mentioned in this story.
Notes: This is only a harmless parody on fanfiction cliches and should not be taken seriously. I originally wrote the first 24 chapters of this story during 2004 and 2005, and most of it was written before the sixth and seventh books came out. So there are quite a few outdated references in here, but I decided not to edit them for nostalgia's sake. I also feel like I should apologize for the first few chapters, since they're honestly not the greatest. But the story does get better after its rather rough beginnings. If you have any ideas for a fanfic cliche I haven't covered yet, let me know in a review and I'll see if I can fit it in!
Chapter One
Drama, Makeovers, and a Resurrection
It was the summer after Harry's fifth year at Hogwarts, and everyone's favorite angsty teenager let out a huge, dramatic, shuddering sigh. "Oh, I have the worst life ever," Harry moaned. He always moaned these days, as it was the best portrayal of agony. "Pity me, for I am horribly tragic! He was so depressed that summer, he eventually took up self-mutilation as a hobby, since all the unhappy twelve-year-old kids in the neighborhood were doing it and Harry didn't want to be left out. He was ready to pull out a kitchen knife he had stolen from his Aunt Petunia and cut his attractive, shapely wrist, when somebody suddenly rushed into the room and pulled the knife from his hand.
Gasp! What a surprise! Harry looked up and saw Hermione Granger of all people standing in his room, the knife clutched in her fist. "Hermione," Harry moaned, as he was still depressed and in agony. "You saved my life. Thank Merlin you showed up ever so conveniently and took that knife away even though you could never realistically just appear in the Dursleys' house like that!"
"Actually, that's not really a knife," said Hermione. "It's a Pepsi Twist with lemon. And I'm not really Hermione Granger." She unzipped her costume, revealing the person underneath. "I'm Draco Malfoy."
Harry's vision-impaired eyes nearly bugged out of his head. "Malfoy?"
"Please call me Draco, my dear Harry. Last names are so cold and unfeeling, don't you think?"
"Er… all right, Draco," said Harry, continuing to stare at him in confusion. "But why have you come here? And why did you save me?"
Draco took a few steps closer to Harry, gazing deeply into his eyes. "Because I have realized the error of my ways and found that I desperately love you."
"Oh, Draco," Harry moaned in an incredibly depressed way. "I think I love you too! Though I have no logical idea why!"
"Let us get on the Hogwarts Express together," Draco said warmly. "Wait till my father hears about this! He'll be ready to beat me with a leather strap, but I will take it willingly because I am totally rebellious now."
And all of a sudden it was the first of September and Harry and Draco were on the Hogwarts Express, just like that! But Harry's good fortune didn't end there. The Dursleys underwent a sudden change of heart and decided that they loved Harry very much, even more than they loved their own son. They wrote touching letters to Harry and even sent him homemade sweaters and pies. The transformation in their personalities was truly amazing.
Harry and Draco were able to passionately make out in the back compartment of the train for a full three minutes, when the door suddenly opened and Ron, Hermione, and Ginny walked in. Harry and Draco immediately drew their lips apart.
"Harry, why are you and Draco sitting together?" Ginny asked.
Harry blushed furiously and began to fidget in his seat. "Er… No reason! No reason at all!"
"Oh, good. At first I was afraid that you two were lovers or something. Now I can relax…" Ginny gazed at Draco and fluttered her eyelashes seductively. It was then that Harry and Draco noticed that she was different. Ginny had dyed her hair a lovely shade of blonde, her freckles had magically disappeared, and her face was coated in perfectly applied makeup.
Draco suddenly leapt up from his seat like a possessed ferret. "Ginny, I never realized it before, but I desperately love you!"
Ginny blushed attractively. "Really? Me too!" She grabbed Draco and the two of them went off to find an empty compartment.
Harry was once more filled with tragic angst and his eyes filled up with tears of anguish. "How could Draco possibly leave me? I'm too sexy and heartrendingly angsty to be ditched!" He cast his tragic, tear-filled gaze upon Ron and Hermione and gasped in surprise. Everyone else in the entire train looked at Hermione and also gasped.
"Her-Hermione?" sputtered Harry. "What happened to you?"
Hermione blushed. Her hair was straighter than a line drawn with a ruler, she had somehow acquired a fashion model's body, and she was wearing a bikini top with a ludicrously short skirt. "I was sent to a summer school program at Boobatons Sue Academy," she explained. Harry and Ron's jaws were positively dropping.
"Hermione, I never realized it before, but I desperately love you!" Harry moaned like a depressed Boy-Who-Lived.
Hermione stuck her already conspicuous chest out further and smiled widely. "Oh, Harry! I love you too!" She threw her arms around him and passionately kissed his angsty cheek.
Ron shot Harry a death glare. "No, Hermione! I have loved you since the day I first met you! My love is truer!"
Hermione took her lips off of Harry's face and gazed at Ron. "You have? Oh, Ron! I have always loved you too! I was just too afraid to show it!" She threw her arms around him.
"Hermione?" Harry moaned weakly. "Ron, how could you?"
"I'm sorry, Harry," said Ron, "but I must take what is rightfully mine. You never loved Hermione until five seconds ago anyway. My love is so much more sincere! I even got a tattoo of Hermione's face on my shoulder! See?"
"I can't see," said Harry. "Hermione's breasts are in the way."
"Oh, sorry." Hermione backed up so Harry could see properly.
"Well, my dear Hermione," Ron purred like a suave weasel. "Let us go find an empty compartment and consummate our new-found love!"
The two of them ran off and Harry was left gaping like a fish at their retreating backs. "I-I-I've been di-ditched twice in less than ten minutes! Why must I be stuck with the most miserable life of all time?" Harry was feeling just as horrible and depressed as he had felt during the summer before Draco arrived to rescue him. An owl suddenly flew in through the window and dropped a package in his lap. "Another homemade sweater from the Dursleys. I wonder why they're so nice to me all of a sudden."
Suddenly, without warning, Sirius popped up in the compartment!
Harry gaped in surprise. "S-Sirius?" he gasped.
"Indeed!" Sirius replied cheerfully. "Somehow, in a completely unrealistic way, I managed to unrealistically come out from behind the veil and unrealistically come back to life and unrealistically Apparate into this train compartment unrealistically!"
"Unbelievable!"
Sirius nodded and smiled at Harry. "Actually, it turns out that I never really died at all. It was all just a big hoax!"
Harry gasped. "It was?"
"Yes! Behind that veil was actually a nice little cottage where I sat on a comfy plush chair and drank tea and ate cookies! Harry, I thought you were smart. I mean, come on. It was obvious that I was alive the whole time!"
The door suddenly burst open and Remus Lupin came running in. "SIRIUS!" he cried, jumping onto Sirius' lap. "Oh Sirius, the love of my sad pathetic life, I've missed you so much! I could barely go on after you died! How did you manage to come back?"
"Silly Remus!" said Sirius. "I didn't even die in the first place! Everyone just thought that I had died, but some people out there knew in their hearts that I was alive. And so I have returned. I don't know why it took me so long to make myself known, but that doesn't matter and doesn't make sense anyway."
"Wow, what a plot hole!" said Remus. "But I don't care!"
"Let's go find an empty compartment," said Sirius. "I don't want Harry seeing us making out and then becoming jealous." He and Remus grabbed hands and skipped off together.
Harry stared after them with his eyes widened in shock. "Why didn't Sirius ever tell me that he and Remus were together? And why wasn't I ever able to guess? Nothing ever makes sense in this world!" He sighed, then curled up in his seat and fell fast asleep.
