Sun beginning to set; slight breeze drifting in my direction, blowing my silver bangs away from my brow as I gaze towards the ocean, watching the waves crash along the golden shore and my eyes grow distant, recalling a far off memory in my conscious.
"Hey, Killua! Let's go swimming!"
"I didn't bring my swim trunks."
"Awwwww, come on Killua! Let's just go in our clothes!"
"Oi, Gon! Put me down!"
SPLASH!
"Haha, Killua! You're wet."
"No shit, moron! You threw me in the water!"
A saddened look crosses my features then and I turn away, my bangs falling down over my face again, obscuring my eyes as I continued to trudge on to the place I called home. A small apartment by aforementioned ocean. It wasn't too expensive despite the location, but I was a Hunter, so nothing was considered expensive really in my case.
I practically scoff as this notion crosses my mind. Money can't buy happiness Killua.
Though I'm sure my brother Illumi would love to share his insight on that.
"Happiness is a waste of energy dwelling about. You should be more conservative with your time, Killu. Like how to be a proper heir to the family business."
A growl practically escapes me as I run his words through my mind. He's honestly so pompous these days, it's infuriating. I can barely stand to talk to him on the phone now, let alone, be in his presence. I'm pretty sure his fiancé, Hisoka, has something to do with his behavior. I never thought my brother would be swayed by that deranged clown. But I suppose they suit each other well. One was pompous, the other perverted, yet they are both equally psychotic.
It's a match made in heaven I'd say.
Which is more then I can say for myself. How my manipulative brother got a significant other before I did, I will never know. But I suppose it's because I'm intimidating and don't really play well with others.
Except one.
My brows furrow as a certain someone crosses my thoughts then.
Gon.
My best friend.
Were we still best friends? We did promise we would be, no matter where we were. But it's been four years since we've last seen each other.
Four years...
Has it really been that long? I was eighteen now, meaning I was fourteen when we had last seen each other. I wonder how he looked now...
Not that it mattered. He was still my best friend, but...
Something clenches at my heart. I realize it's my hand that came up to grasp at my chest, nails digging into my skin through the fabric of my shirt, but I hardly felt it. I was becoming numb. Why did this have to happen again, at a time like this? It was as if thoughts of Gon were poison to my heart.
For the past year, Gon frequented my conscious. He always had, but it grew more intense this past year and I can't explain it. But then, I suddenly remember why and palpitations begin to wrack my body as I recalled another memory from that beach.
"Killua...have you ever been in love before?"
"Why are you asking me that, idiot? You should know I haven't. I've been with you ever since I quit being an assassin."
"Well, because I wondered if you knew what it felt like..."
"What are you going on about?"
"...I love you, Killua."
"...What?"
"I said I love you. I'm in love with you. I have been for awhile now, since Yorknew..."
My body seethes with anger and shame as I recall running away from him then, without hardly another word. The next day, he had acted as if none of it had happened and had his usual bright smile on his face which always complimented his shining caramel brown eyes. But that was the day we separated so he could spend time with his father, Ging. We promised to always be friends, but...I had seen the heartbreak and sadness lurking behind that smile. I broke him that day and I still haven't forgiven myself for that.
I hardly realized I was at my front door until I looked up, listlessly, and stared. Right, I should probably head inside now before I freak out the neighbors.
As if they weren't already freaked out having a Zoldyck living in the building. Even after six years of not being an assassin, everyone associated my name as such. I almost wished I could change it.
Pushing the minuscule thought from my head, I unlock my door and head inside, kicking off my shoes at the threshold as I shut the door behind me. The only thing on my mind now was Ramen and some tv. I hardly indulged myself like that, but tonight, I needed it, badly, and since drinking wasn't my thing, this was my only option. Basically.
Ramen and cartoons. Really living the high life now eh, Killua?
But first, to the shower.
After stripping off my clothes, I step under the warm stream of water as it crashes down onto me and I rest a palm flat on the shower wall with my head down. I attempted to clear my thoughts of everything, though I wasn't sure how well it was working out as Gon's bright, shining face suddenly appeared in my mind's eye.
Shit. Persistent, aren't you?
I bang my head against the wall, once, twice, due to my frustration. I guess this is what I get for choosing to live close to the beach we would always go to.
You weren't so smart now were you, Killua?
Hissing, I shut the water off and step out, wrapping a towel around my waist. Seems I couldn't even take a shower in peace. Hoping a movie would help relax me, I quickly dry myself off and slip on some boxers before making my way to the couch and flopping down on it after switching on the tv, and began to scroll through the movies, choosing an action flick. Gunfire and crazy action scenes should help clear my overly active mind.
Or so I thought. There was this one scene where the hero of the movie gets pissed and challenges the bad guy to a one on one fight, ordering his partners to not interfere. It was like a slap to my face, as I recalled a similar scene that happened four years ago, during the Chimera Ants mission. I swallowed and it caught in my throat and I finally opted to turn off the tv. It seemed I wouldn't get a piece of mind tonight, nor any sleep, so I stayed on the couch, turning over onto my back, one arm behind my head as I stared up at the ceiling and at my fan spinning lazily above me.
Gon.
Why couldn't I stop thinking about him? My hands curl into fists. Was this my punishment? Was I forever cursed for what I did to him? Of course, I deserved it. I broke him, wrecked him, made him a little less brighter. I deserved all this and then some. At least, that's what I told myself. I was such a coward, I hadn't even thought to try to reach him. Even if I didn't know his current whereabouts or what he was doing, I could always send a letter to Whale Island. His Aunt Mito would for sure pass it on to him if he ever visited home. Knowing him, he would, because he was nothing like his father, Ging.
Then a strange feeling stabbed me square in the chest as I come to a realization. I had no clue where he was or what he was doing and it gave me an empty feeling. Of course, I hadn't known for over a year or so, but the sudden reminder of it was painful.
Dammit Gon. You sure are making yourself cozy inside my head, aren't you?
Giving up on sleep and relaxation entirely, I get up from the couch and decided a late night walk in the fresh air might actually help me this time, so long as I stayed away from the beach. Slipping on some clothes and my sneakers at the threshold, I open the door to a now darkened sky, a cool breeze hitting my skin as I step out and shut the door behind me. I jog down to the sidewalk, exiting my apartment complex and head in the opposite direction, away from the beach.
Okay, Gon, it's time to leave my thoughts.
As much as I loved thinking of my best friend, it only caused me pain now. Will I ever see him again? I hoped to, someday, and ask for his forgiveness. By then, I hoped my own feelings will be sorted.
"Assassins don't waste time on tedious things like love and other emotions."
Again, my brother's words flow through my conscious and I'm almost ready to rip my hair out. If it wasn't Gon consuming my mind, it was Illumi and his bullshit.
I can never catch a break, can I?
My body stirs with exhaustion and it wasn't from my jogging. I was barley breaking a sweat. No, it was my overactive mind that was making me feel a lack of energy. I stop jogging and lean over, hands on my slightly bent knees as I took a deep breathe. That helps relax you, doesn't it?
When I straighten up, I realize my legs had brought me to the beach on their own accord and I curse a string of curse words under my breathe.
Though I had to admit, the moon looked rather beautiful, the way it shone down on the still and calm water of the ocean. It almost took my breathe away and nostalgia hits me once again.
"Killua, you know what you remind me of?"
"No, what?"
"The moon."
"Erm, why?"
"Cause the moon reflects darkness, but it's still beautiful."
"...so what are you implying here?"
"That you're full of darkness, but despite that, you're still beautiful. You hold beauty within yourself and it shines at the most unexpected moments."
"Tch! You're so embarrassing, you know that?!"
"But I'm saying the truth! Besides, you're blushing so much right now, it's really cute you know."
"I'm blushing cause you're an embarrassing moron! And no, I'm not! Cut that out!"
Well, if I'm the moon, Gon, then you're for sure the sun. You always shine so brightly, it's like the sun made it's home on your face. It blinds me and I found myself looking away from you on several occasions, but, I still found myself wanting to be at your side.
Hands clench at my sides. But here I was, the moon, away from the sun, for four years now. My moonlight has been dim ever sense. I wonder how your sunlight is doing?
I wince at the thought of it being as dim as I was. I couldn't imagine Gon ever being that way.
But on second thought, it's been four years. What if he got over it? What if I was the only one dwelling on the past? What if he found someone new to fill the void in his heart that I left him?
My heart practically shatters as I ponder that thought. That didn't happen...right? But the more I thought about it, the more it seemed likely and I found myself trembling. With fear or emotion, I wasn't sure.
So what if he did? I tried telling myself, but it didn't work. The mere thought of someone else taking my place, making Gon happy, utterly shattered my very being.
Feet kicking up sand as I ventured onto the beach, sneakers now in hand, I made my way towards the water, the quiet of the night consuming me whole. I was hardly aware of what I was doing. My thoughts took me to a dark place and made me listless. I no longer cared what happened to me then. Just when I thought I could drown myself and wash away, I heard a voice. A voice I hadn't heard in so long, yet still recognized it as soon as it hit my ears. A voice I longed to hear again for far too long now.
"Killua?"
I turn slowly, hardly daring to believe my ears, but the minute my blue eyes laid upon him, I knew it wasn't all in my head.
"Killua? Is that you?"
A step is taken towards me and there he was. Gon. Standing beneath the moonlight.
"Killua. Answer me. What are you doing?"
I willed myself to speak, but the words wouldn't come. My mouth opened, then closed, then opened again, leaving me standing there looking like an idiot with my mouth agape.
"It's been awhile, hasn't it, Killua?" His brown eyes held so much emotion; his voice strained, as he spoke again and I had to force myself not to look away from that gaze. It was the same one he had worn when we parted ways.
What are you doing? Speak, you idiot! My conscious practically screamed at me and I closed my mouth to swallow, before opening it again to speak.
"Yeah..." I croaked out, my voice hoarse as I gazed longingly at the male in front of me, the one I had missed with every part of me, as much as I had tried denying it. "It sure has been.."
