DEFINING MOMENTS

Author: Shakayla

Rating: M

Summary: A story from Clarisse's POV that shares some defining moments in her life from the time right before her marriage to Rupert to a short time after Amelia is crowned Queen.

Warnings: There is violence in this story…I have made every effort to tone it down as much as possible. If you are offended by anything that even alludes to violence, please don't read. There are also appropriately toned down love scenes and intimate encounters.


Do you believe that a person has defining moments in their lives? Moments that singularly shape who they are; what they do; how they are viewed; in effect…the person they become? I believe moments such as these have made me – for better or worse – who I am today.

My name is Clarisse Renaldi and I am the reigning Queen of Genovia. I am a royal by marriage – not by birth. However, a set of circumstances and defining moments that were far outside my control have fated that I have spent the last several years as the sole ruler of this small but great country. It has been a burden which I have borne, not happily, but with a façade of strength that would not have been possible had it not been for those moments.

You may find it ironic that I choose to characterize my outward appearance as a 'façade of strength' as some have, not so lovingly, referred to me as the "Ice Queen" or other such derogatory terms. They don't know, however, what I am about to share with you. No one has known - for a woman's heart is an ocean of secrets that often times must be kept to protect those around her; or, perhaps, for her own sanity.

Why am I going to tell you this now…after so many years? Possibly because I am at a crossroads in my life and confession is good for the soul…or so I've been told. It is my hope that by removing this burden perhaps I can finally take steps to truly put my past behind me. Just a few days ago, I told the only man that I've ever…I'm not sure what the right word is. I want to say "loved"; but I'm not certain that I truly know what love is - as it has been painfully absent from my life. Don't get me wrong; I've experienced the love of my children; the love a nation feels for a kind ruler; and, most recently, the love a grandmother could have for a grandchild. I am, however, grossly uneducated in what it feels like to experience the love of a man; that is until now…

But I digress…

This first moment that I want to share with you set in motion a course of events that framed several decisions and shaped my character; and, I'm afraid, my "Ice Queen" persona. It all started shortly after my eighteenth birthday…

"Good night, Rupert. I had a wonderful time." I offered as he looked expectantly at me as we approached the door to my suite.

"As did I." He responded as he leaned in to give me a kiss.

His lips were soft as they touched mine and I pled silently with my body to respond in an appropriate manner. Please know that I had no idea, really, what an 'appropriate' response would be…I just knew that up to this point, he had not been entirely pleased with my reactions. I allowed my body to relax as he deepened the kiss. It's not that it was unpleasant; it's just that it wasn't…anything. I felt as though I were giving an uncle or other older relative a gentle kiss. Try as I might, I could not muster up any sparks.

I felt his hand slide from its position on my hip upwards until is tentatively cupped my breast. The feel of it stroking me through my gown felt wrong. I knew, though, that soon, he would have every right to touch my body here and other places even far more intimate. Negative thoughts crept unbidden into my mind and I had to suppress a shudder. In a little over a week, I would have to find a way to work through this – that was then, however, and this was now. I placed my hand over his and broke from the kiss. "Rupert, please."

I watched him contain a sigh of frustration. "Please what, Clarisse?" He asked me as his hand slid away from my body.

I tried to interject some humor in an effort to lighten the tension. "I'm saving myself for my wedding night – my husband-to-be would not be pleased that I was allowing you such liberties…no matter how handsome you are."

I was rewarded with a grin and a chuckle. He then let his eyes sweep up and down my body as if surveying what would soon be rightfully his. His eyes darkened with desire as he leaned forward and whispered in my ear, "Your husband-to-be is a very lucky man, indeed. See that he appreciates that body as I know I do."

He leaned in to kiss me one more time before turning to walk away. I breathed a sigh of relief and sagged against the wall. I had no idea how I was going to convince my mind to allow my body to do this. I opened the door to my suite and quickly decided that a nice shower would clear out some of the cobwebs so I could think. I had only a short time left to get my heart to fall in love with a man that I had, up to this point, only considered a good friend.

I let the heavy gown fall to the floor and removed the remaining garments before slipping into the short satin robe that had been given to me as a bridal shower gift from a princess from a neighboring country.

I started to make my way into the bathroom when I felt someone behind me. Before I could react, I inhaled a sickly sweet smell and then there was darkness…

When I awoke sometime later, my muscles felt heavy – no doubt from whatever my attacker had used to render me unconscious. I made an effort to clear my head and move my limbs. I realized with a start that my arms and legs could not cooperate as they were bound with what appeared to be silk scarves. Further surveying my surroundings, I noted a dark room lit only by a few oil lamps. There were no windows, no discernible door and the only piece of furniture was the bed to which I was now secured as an unwilling occupant.

I tested my restraints and found there was no give to them. Although they were tight on my wrists and ankles, they did not cut into my skin as another layer of silk had been wrapped around them before the restraints were applied. I supposed that I should be grateful for the hospitality; but, to be honest, the adrenalin from the fear at my circumstance made me more annoyed than frightened at the moment. I made a mental note to speak with Rupert about the lack of security at the palace that would permit me to be abducted from my own room!

It may seem odd that I was having an internal conversation at a time like this; I was, however, trying desperately not to think about the situation in which I now found myself. It was obvious that I was not going to just be left here and I didn't want to think about the alternatives.

I have no idea how long I laid there; I must have dozed off a bit. I was slowly roused from my sleep by the feel of a hand moving up my leg. I tried to keep my eyes closed to feign sleep but lost that battle when I felt the knot of my robe being loosened and the material moved away from my body. My eyes flew open and I fought to keep the rising bile down in my throat as I saw the look in the man's eyes as he allowed his gaze to sweep over my now fully exposed body.

The man was wearing a short robe and something that resembled a ski mask which prevented me from seeing any part of his face except those menacing eyes. "What do you want?" I asked, trying to sound brave.

He didn't respond, but continued to run his hands over my body. I felt a slight tremor run through my body as my mind started to accept what my body had known all along. I made one more attempt at diplomacy. "Please…stop. If you'll just tell me what you want…I may be able to secure it for you."

He continued to hold his silence as his hands moved to untie my right ankle. For a fleeting moment, I thought he might be freeing me. I quickly realized, however, that he was simply planning on securing a way to allow himself more room to maneuver. I suppose he misjudged my temperament as he released his hold on me for a brief moment. Never one to miss an opportunity, I kicked as hard as I could; my foot connecting solidly with his groin area.

I've been accused, from time to time, of being a bit impulsive; and this time, while I cannot deny the momentary pleasure I felt as my assailant doubled over in pain, it was short lived as the fury in his eyes was magnified by at least a factor of ten as he moved towards me. I cringed as I saw his hand reared back preparing to strike me. I could do nothing to deflect any blow as his left hand was holding the only limb I owned that wasn't currently tied to a corner of the bed.

I wanted to close my eyes as I waited for the impact; but found that they were fixed on the raised hand. Before it lowered to inflict pain, another hand appeared out of nowhere and grabbed it bringing the strike to a stop. I had not seen any other people in the room when I had done my earlier survey; but I felt a flood of relief that I was being rescued. They exchanged some muffled conversation before the person I thought to be my savior retreated back into the darkness. I believe I also saw a third person hiding in the shadows; but could not have sworn to that fact.

My ankle was secured once again and my fear rose to new heights as the masked man moved his face close to mine. His voice was like steel as he whispered, "You should feel very grateful, Princess, that I have strict instructions not to leave any outward marks of our time here together - very grateful."

I had a fleeting thought that this man was a half-wit as he didn't even realize that I would not be a princess for another two weeks. The thought never completed because fear overcame me as things started progressing again. I could not stop myself from pleading for him to stop or for the hidden individuals in the room to help me.

My last rational thought was that just a few hours ago, I was worried about losing my innocence to a man whom I didn't love. As I now struggled against an unwelcome weight pressing against my body, a tear slipped down my cheek as I realized my innocence was going to be lost to a man whom I didn't know, but instinctively knew I hated.

The horror of my experience finally seeped into the recesses of my mind causing it to shut down to provide a comforting blanket of numbness that blissfully surrounded me. It was not a moment too soon as I felt the unmistakable physical pain that signaled my humiliation and violation was at its heights. The tears fell unrestrained now as he moved over me again. His heavy breathing resounding in my ears…I prayed that it would end soon.

OoOoOo

I opened my eyes as I felt the movement stop. I silently breathed a sigh of relief as he quickly withdrew from me. I only caught a brief glimpse, but I could have sworn that he had not…shall we say…finished. I was no expert on the subject; but I was certain that something was not right about all of this. I had no further time to contemplate this, though; as he returned only a moment later with a handkerchief that he placed over my nose and mouth. Once again there was nothing but darkness…

I awoke with a start some undetermined time later. I quickly realized that I was back in my suite. The events of the past few hours rushed to the forefront of my mind and I bolted to the bathroom in an effort to purge the nausea and horror that consumed me. I had no idea what happened after I blacked out the second time. That uncertainty caused me even further distress. Fear of the unknown was always greater than fighting a recognizable opponent. I have no idea how long I sat on the floor of the shower trying to wash away the feel of his skin against mine. After a long shower, I finally cried myself into a restless sleep.

OoOoOo

The next days passed by in a blur. I spent a great deal of time alone in the palace gardens seeking solace among the beautiful roses. Their scent and delicate beauty had a calming affect on me which helped to ease my troubled mind. I spent the days going through the motions of preparing for my impending wedding and my nights trying to process what had happened to me and why. I think I was trying to compartmentalize the pain so it could be tucked away – far, far away in my mind – never to surface again. Because of my fragile state, Rupert believed me to be ill or having a severe case of cold feet, so he gave me some much needed space in the final days before our vows were to be exchanged.

The wedding day bustled with activity and I had no time to think of anything. It wasn't until that night when a quiet peace settled over the palace, that my nerves found time and space to reassert themselves. I stood in my dressing room trying to decide on the right piece of lingerie to wear for my new husband. I couldn't wear white – I just couldn't. I settled for a deep purple gown that fell just above my knees. The embroidered bodice had a v-neck cut with spaghetti straps. I turned slowly in front of the mirror knowing Rupert would be pleased. He had been so kind to me the past few days; I could only hope that I would be able to love him and let him love me as he deserved. I took a deep cleansing breath and made one last mental shove of my nightmares to the back of my mind and walked out to meet my husband.

As I walked into the room, I felt his gaze on me; his eyes emanating a heat that made my body flush under the intense scrutiny.

"Beautiful" was the one word he spoke, almost in a reverent whisper. My body relaxed and I felt a rush of affection for the man who was now my husband. I did not love him…of that I was sure…I did hold out hope, though, that someday we would find that feeling that for now escaped us.

He rose to meet me in the middle of the room. His hands gently clasping my waist as his lips lightly touched mine. We began to move together slowly to an unheard melody. The scent and faint light given off by the candles situated around the room added to the ambience and to my willingness to try to please Rupert as he expected tonight. He turned me in his embrace so that my back was pressed up against his chest. One hand rested on my abdomen, the other moved upwards to graze the underside of my breast through the satin material. A quick flash of another man's hands caressing me there flickered into my conscious mind. I blinked hard to push it to the back of my mind where it belonged.

I felt Rupert's lips begin to work their way down my neck and to my shoulder, the thin strap of my gown being slowly lowered as his mouth continued to move. As his hands caressed, I sensed the memories starting to surface again. I needed to feel like an active participant. I needed to…have something to keep my mind occupied. I surprised Rupert by turning quickly in his embrace and pulling his mouth to mine for a passionate kiss. Again, my impulsiveness was not thought through as what had started as a slow, gentle session quickly turned heated with my advances.

I felt his hands everywhere, both over and under my gown as he deepened the kiss. I tried to keep up with him; but the emotions were becoming too much for me. I finally broke the kiss and in a breathless voice said, "Rupert, please – we must slow down."

Seeing the frustration tinge his features, I continued. "I know I heated things up a bit; but I just wanted to feel like I was a part of this too. I want this to be about both of us." I have no idea where I came up with that…it was the first thing that came out of my mouth. Years later, the ability to find the right thing to say at just the right time would prove very useful in negotiations with foreign leaders. For the moment, however, it bought me some respite and Rupert slowed things down a bit.

"I'm sorry, Clarisse. You have no idea, really, what you do to me - do you?" He asked as he let the palm of his hand slide down my cheek and onto my now bare shoulder.

I had no answer for him. I wasn't sure, outside of the obvious physical affect, what it was that I did 'do' to him. With no words to offer, I simply placed my hand over his and stepped back into his embrace. This time my kiss was gentler, less intense. He got the message and resumed the slow exploration he had started earlier.

Things progressed nicely over the next several minutes. The earlier frenzied activity had caused my heart to race…in a good way…and I was truly trying to make this a pleasant evening for both of us. We had slowly made our way over to the bed and were now sitting as we continued to slowly explore each other through taste and touch. I felt myself being lowered to the bed and his hand slip between my slightly parted thighs. I willed myself to relax, but the similarities between his actions and that of my attacker served as a catalyst to make the flashbacks start anew.

I wanted to sit up, but his upper body covering most of mine made it impossible to do so without risking the potential for his frustration to surface again. When his hand moved higher, I broke from the kiss with a gasp…which he mistook as a sign of pleasure. His hand moved forward to deepen his touch. The panic surged through my body as I imagined myself back in that room, tied to the bed, unable to stop the violation of my body. But I wasn't tied this time and I placed my hands on his chest and pushed against him as a scream tore from my throat. I cried out, "Rupert! Stop!"

I suppose it was an instinctive reaction on his part when his hand moved quickly to cover my mouth to stop my yelling. My eyes registered fear and I struggled against his weight holding me down. He spoke in a harsh whisper, "Clarisse! Be quiet! Do you want the guards to hear? Do you want them to think I'm hurting you? What the hell is wrong with you?"

I pushed against him again, my eyes pleading with him to let me up. He complied and I sat up, my breath coming in gasps as I tried to calm my racing heart. He must have sensed my distress as being beyond that of a nervous bride as he asked, much gentler this time, "Clarisse, darling…please tell me what's wrong?"

"I…I…" I exhaled slowly…I couldn't tell him what had happened. What would he think of me? Would he even still want to be married to me, knowing that he was not my first…that I had been taken forcibly? "I'm just not ready, Rupert. I'm sorry." My shame was evident on my face – in my eyes. I couldn't even look at him.

He placed a finger under my chin and brought my gaze up to meet his. "Clarisse, please tell me what's wrong. Whatever it is…you must tell me."

I wanted to tell him – I did…but I just couldn't. My frustration level was growing. I knew that he had every right to demand that I give myself to him tonight; but I also knew that I couldn't tell him the truth. He certainly was not letting me off the hook with my lame excuse…but I didn't know what else to do. The frustration led to a slight hint of anger, which was evidenced in my voice as I responded. "I don't know what else to tell you. I just can't do this tonight."

He stood up abruptly, the anger flashing in his eyes. "Let's get one thing straight, I am under no illusion that you love me. At the present moment, I don't love you either. But do you find my physical appearance or my treatment of you so hideous that you can't fathom sharing my bed?"

My temper flared in response. "And are you so driven to fulfill your needs that you can't understand that sometimes a woman needs more time?"

"We do not HAVE time, Clarisse. Don't you understand? You have a duty – we have a duty…to our country."

I scoffed at his statement. "My country expects me to have sex with you TONIGHT?"

He smiled a bit at my rebuttal and my tone, but then shook his head sadly. "Our country expects us to begin the duty of creating an heir to the throne of Genovia tonight. You've been told these things, Clarisse. It is your duty – what your personal needs or wants are, unfortunately, fall second to those of your duty to your country."

The tears were intermittently falling down my cheeks now. "What of your duty to me, Rupert? Have you no thought or obligation to me? I know you are not in love with me, but surely you hold some affection for me."

His eyes held a resolve that was borne of years of service to a duty which had been drilled in him since birth. I did note, with some relief, that they were tinged with sadness. That sadness, however, did not stop him from what he said next. "Sadly, Clarisse, no matter how much fondness I feel for you…my duty to you…will always come second to the duty I have to my country. I'm sorry – I thought you understood that."

Our eyes met and spoke volumes. He was not going to back down and he was asking me to let him make this an enjoyable obligation that we had to fulfill. I sighed as I finally conceded, "I understand that you must do what you feel is your duty; but I cannot promise that I will go quietly into the dark night." I offered, quoting a line from my favorite Robert Frost poem.

He nodded his understanding as he led me back to the bed. He tried once again to be gentle and to soften my apprehension a bit before he moved forward. I tried not to flinch at his touch and, to his credit; he was gentle but moved quickly. I sensed he wanted this night to end as much as I did…but perhaps for different reasons. When I once again felt myself pressed into the mattress, my body involuntarily struggled. He was ready this time, though, and held my hands over my head as his mouth covered mine…effectively quieting any voice of protest that I might emit.

Moments later…for the second time in my brief experience, my body was taken against my will. I made no effort to stop the tears this time as I relived my nightmare in excruciating detail – the only difference I could see this time was that I knew who was doing this to me and it was flesh and duty that held me captive rather than silk restraints.

When he had finished and rolled away from my now still form, I immediately made my way to the bathroom where any remnants of my dinner were purged from my system. I repeated my actions from a few weeks ago when I showered for an undetermined amount of time. I resurfaced to find Rupert lying quietly in the bed. He was not asleep and moved the covers back to ease my entrance. The lights were dimmed and he reached over and took my hand. He spoke quietly as he offered, "I am sorry, Clarisse."

A tear fell down my cheek again as I countered just as quietly, "As am I, Rupert. As am I."

As I lay there in the still of the night waiting patiently for sleep to overtake me, I made a decision. A decision that became a defining moment in my life: I decided that while some man may possess my body, no longer would he claim my soul. That was the night the so-called "Ice Queen" was born. I worked diligently from that moment on to consistently suppress my emotions and distance myself from them so I could endure the demands that duty had placed upon me. When one does not feel…one does not hurt.

OoOoOo

As the next few months transpired, I retreated further and further from my emotions. I continued to carry on a "normal" life during the day; and at night, I became accomplished at shutting down in order to do my duty. Rupert seemed to accept my behavior as that of a woman who believed that she could not enjoy sex with a man she didn't love. I think he was just grateful that I no longer seemed to be in emotional distress or physical pain during our time together.

At the end of our third month as a married couple, the entire country was delighted to learn that I was expecting. I, too, was excited as it meant that my "duty" was done for awhile as an heir was, indeed, being produced. The next several months passed by quickly and I felt somewhat at peace as I realized that sometimes good did come from bad things that happened to us. I couldn't help but have a small sense of joy as I felt the baby's first kick…knowing that meant there was a thriving, growing life inside of me.

It wasn't until close to the end of my eighth month that I woke one night in a panic. The sheets were damp from my sweat and my heart was racing. Fortunately, Rupert was away on business for the night. My sweet dreams had been invaded by those dark, menacing eyes – the ones I had thought sufficiently buried in my memory. Why was I seeing them again? Why now? A wave of nausea overtook me as the realization dawned on me that this baby might not be Rupert's. Oh God…no…please…it has to be Rupert's…it just has to be…

OoOoOo

"Push!" was the mantra that kept being repeated over and over to me. I was tired – every muscle in my body ached in a way that they never had before – and, frankly, I didn't need them to tell me to push. I wanted nothing more than to expel the sole source of my discomfort from my body. Their noisy interruptions were serving no purpose but to break my focus and concentration. I think people feel compelled to say something during this time as they have neither control over nor really any part of what is happening. Of course, neither did I really at this point. Nature was taking its course and this baby would be born…regardless of the amount of "cheering" going on around me. I closed my eyes and with one last forceful push, the next heir to the throne of Genovia emerged into the world.

I fell back against the pillows to rest for a few moments before I felt him being placed in my arms. I did a quick survey and noted with relief that he at least looked like Rupert. The hair color, the eyes – they matched that of Rupert's. DNA tests were unheard of in this day and time so I would have to rely on physical attributes to assure myself of my son's parentage. Besides, even if there had been such tests, how would I explain the need for it? No, as long as no one questioned…and why would they…my word and belief would have to be good enough. Of course, my conscious nagged at me: other than the eyes and body type of my attacker; I had no idea really what he looked like. I quietly told my conscious to shut up and marveled at the new life resting quietly against my chest.

tbc