"I love you Misto." It was something I'd never said before and meant. I only ever used it to get what I wanted...
"You don't have to be cute with me Tuggerbear, I'm already sleeping with you aren't I?" My love responded as he rolled around in the sun-warmed grass. He picked a dandelion and bit the head off of it. He chewed for a second before making a face and spitting it out. I waited for Misto to add that he loved me too, but he stayed quiet, watching a tiny spider climb a blade of grass.
"You gonna eat it?" I asked when the silence became a nuisance Misto reluctantly gave me his attention instead of the spider.
"Gosh Tugger...now? Can't you wait?" he asked, smirking at me. I sighed.
"I meant the spider."
"Oh!" taken aback, he pulled the blade of grass from the ground and handed it to me, the spider dangling from it. "You can have it." I shook my head.
"It's yours." I said before falling back into the grass, perpendicular to my boyfriend. He rolled over and lay stretched over my chest, his tail flicking contently. His tail kept "accidentally" flicking across my crotch. Every time it did, Misto would smile at me like a horny teenager. Why was I suddenly unwilling to fulfill his need? Probably because he had yet to fill mine. It wasn't fair. He was acting like such a child, despite the fact that we were almost adults. The two year difference between us felt like ten years. He was fucking with my emotions and probably didn't even know. I was disrupted from my thoughts by a kiss on the nose from my Misto. He smiled and looked me straight in the eyes. I looked at his mouth. I'm so bad at looking people in the eye. Misto giggled at me.
"You're so cute." he whispered. I attacked his mouth with my own, enveloping him in a kiss. I loved him, and I wanted so desperately for him to love me too. This had never happened to me before, and it scared me to death. But I knew that if Misto loved me too, I could do this. Misto's hands wandered my lower half; he wasn't going to wait any longer. I broke the kiss and finally looked him in the eyes. That only made things harder...no pun intended. I took a deep breath and spoke.
"I...I love you Misto." I said. It took more effort to say than I thought it would, but it felt better than expected too. Misto looked at my kiss-swollen lips for a moment in silence before diving back at them. He couldn't look me in the eye. I pushed him up by his shoulders. "Don't you have something to say to me?" I asked.
"You're hot." he whispered breathlessly.
"I love you Misto," I was litterally almost having to fight him off of me. "and that's all you can say? Why won't you love me?" There was a hint of pleading in my voice that I regretted instantly. Was I that desperate?
"Oh I'll LOVE you all damn day at this point but you've got to let me at you." he grunted, pushing against my hands. I gave up out of sheer shock that he really was that thick, (again, no pun intended) and he collapsed on my chest. I was surprised when he didn't continue his assault. He stayed flopped on my chest, staring at me as I looked hopefully at the sky. "What's wrong Tuggerbear?" he asked in that sweet little kitten voice he puts on every time he thinks I'm mad at him.
"I'm not Mad at you Misto...just confused."
"About you?" he asked. My eyes found his. "About me?" he asked, worried now. I took a deep breath.
"About us."
And it was over. Misto was an addict for physically attention just as much as I was. It hurt now, to love him still. To love someone who you thought loved you...but to find out he used me for my body hurt like hell. I'd never felt this lonely before. It felt like I could never love anyone again, and if I didn't love them, then what was the point in being with them at all? I attempted to take an evening nap hiding inside of the junkyard tire, but my eyes wouldn't stay closed. There were a few young queens playing a (very loud) made up game nearby. I sat up and peeked my head over the rim of the tire to watch them. I saw Jemima, Victoria, Electra, and Etcetera. I pondered what I knew about each of them: Victoria wasn't young, but not the oldest of the four. Jemima and Electra were two of the eldest kittens of the tribe. They were sweet, but Electra had a lot of fire in her belly. Jemima was Grizabella's daughter, but she was accepted by the tribe, and was popular among us. Etcetera was pretty. She was the eldest kitten, to the point where you really almost couldn't call her a kitten anymore. I sort of noticed her watching the game instead of playing it. She gave me a quick glance, and did a double take when she noticed me watching her. She smiled at me before looking away before curling up nervously and batting at her ear. I thought it was cute. I wanted to talk to her, but I was worried that it wouldn't be much of a conversation with the way she always flirts with me. But a voice in my head other than my own sounded really good right about then, so the next time she looked at me I beckoned her over. She looked both ways to make sure I wasn't looking at someone else before walking over to me. I waved her in and she curled up on the opposite side of the tire from me and just stared at me. I stretched out on my back and turned my head to face her.
"Why weren't you playing with your friends?" I asked. She shrugged.
"Dunno. It was stupid. I'm too old for stupid stuff. Not old enough to talk with the grown queens. What am I supposed to do?"
"Come talk to me?" I suggested casually. She smiled.
"Don't you have queens just lining up to "talk" to you?" she asked slyly. I rolled my eyes. Everyone just KNOWS I'm that shallow.
"What's the point?" I asked. She looked confused. I sat up. "Why are you sitting so far away?" she shrugged. "No, I want to know. Do I scare you?" she shook her head. "Am I strange?"
"No..." she whispered.
"Then what then?" I pleaded. "What's wrong with me?" She considered me for a moment before getting up.
"Did something happen today?" she asked. I stayed quiet. "Tugger? I think someone hurt you today." I nodded. "Oh Tugger..." she hugged me. There's a huge difference between contact from a male and contact from a female. I was definetly beginning to like female contact much better. I was cold, despite the warm evening, but Etci warmed me. I slid an arm around her to return her embrace, and let my body slouch down against the inside of the tire. "Can I ask what happened?" she asked quietly. I sighed and thought of an answer. I didn't want anyone to know about Misto, especially not Etci. She felt like my only friend, the only one who wanted to understand me.
"I
um...I got...well...I got used...for my body." I chocked out.
Wow, its hard to say a lot of things today. Her hold on me grew
tighter and I rested my head on her shoulder. She raised herself up
and gave me a sympathetic kiss on the nose. I shut my eyes and
shuddered as she pulled Misto's signature move without even
realizing. I lost all control except my ability to keep myself from
crying. I think she noticed.
"Tugger...It's okay...it's...are
you okay?" she asked. She put a paw on my chin and made me face
her, so she could see me. There was a really comforting look of
concern on her face, and she kept her eyes trained on mine, waiting
for any change. I'm sure the change that she got wasn't the one she
was expecting; it wasn't what I expected either, but I did it. I
kissed her. A lot. She didn't falter for a second. I don't think she
knew what she was doing, but she covered up for it well. I felt like
I was getting Misto out of my head. Whether he stayed out, or if he'd
be back by the morning, I really didn't know. But I didn't care. I
took the queen I was entangled in for all that she was worth. I
didn't feel guilty. I didn't feel wrong. I didn't feel like I was
using her.
If the fact that it happened wasn't bad enough, the fact that the next morning we were found together...by Jellylorum of all cats. She raised all hell and woke every cat in the junkyard. No one blamed Etci. They all thought she was the victim. They thought I'd made her do it. I got in so much trouble. No one would talk to me for the longest time. It took my own brother weeks to talk to me again. I don't know what Misto thought about the whole ordeal, because he was apparently avoiding me. I didn't even catch a glance of his shiny black coat for almost a month. When he finally reappeared, every time I saw him there was a dull thud in my stomach, like I'd just walked into a wall every time I saw him. Etci didn't mind. She saw it as her ticket in. She was popular amongst the kittens out of their sheer jealousy, but frowned upon by some of the younger queens. Bombalurina and Cassandra would glare at her whenever she would pass by. She didn't mind. She flirted with me like never before. I was friendly to her, but careful not to be overly so, and give her the idea that what happened that night could ever happen again.
But things have changed.
That was a long time ago.
