When you believe

The wedding dress lay in a perfect ring on the floor, literally where it had fallen, where the bride had literally been cut out of the dress. The choker that had been ripped off in a hurry was lying two feet away, exactly where is had been thrown three hours previous. Both were a reminder of shattered dreams and broken fairytale endings. And not only for the bride.

Meredith Grey sat silently on the couch, wishing that she could rewind the day, rewind the months back to when she was still bright and shiny, or as close as she has ever come to actually being bright and shiny. She felt like the weight of the world was on her shoulders, and she had no way of lifting it. She couldn't. Not alone. Alone. The word echoed in her head, causing her stomach to turn over. Alone. She was all alone, and it was entirely her own fault.

Meredith was used to being alone. It was the story of her life. No matter what she did, people left her. Her Father had left when she was 5 years old, and though she wouldn't admit it to anyone, it affected her. It affected her more than she would like, and though she hadn't realized it till recently, it had started Meredith on a downward spiral from which she so wanted to recover. But she didn't know how, she didn't know if she was able, and she didn't know if there was any point even trying.

Her Mother left her too. Meredith was used to coming home to an empty, cold house, while her Mother stayed at the hospital, taking care of everyone else's families and neglecting her own. Meredith knew that her Mother had never really wanted her, that she had not only put a damper on her medical career but also her relationship with Richard Webber. Her Mother had told her, often, in her more lucid states, how much she resented having a child and what life would have been like had Meredith not been born.

I should never have had a kid.

Those words had reached into the very core of Meredith's being, and pierced her heart. While she had been aware growing up of how her Mother felt, it had never been so coldly stated as factual. And it hurt. It hurt more than she cared to acknowledge. Her Mother's Alzheimer's had taken away Meredith's chance of starting again with her Mother, and was just another example of how people left her. And then on top of all the other times her Mother had left her alone, her Mother's death had meant that she was truly alone, with no hope of fixing her relationship with Ellis Grey. And the last thing her Mother had said to her still remained, forever burned into her memory.

"You're happy? You're happy now? The Meredith I knew was a force of nature. Passionate, focused, a fighter. What happened to you? You've gone soft! Stammering about a boyfriend and saying you're waiting to be inspired. You're waiting for inspiration? Are you kidding me?! I have a disease for which there is no cure, I think that would be inspiration enough! Listen to me, Meredith. Anyone can fall in love and be blindly happy! But not everyone can pick up a scalpel and save a life. I raised you to be an extraordinary human being, so imagine my disappointment when I wake up after five years and discover that you are no more than... ordinary! What happened to you?!"

And then there was Susan. Susan had left her too. Just as Meredith had started opening up to her, she too had left her alone, alone in a world that was just too much for her to handle sometimes. Meredith thought back on how her relationship with Susan had progressed from meeting her for the first time in the hospital, to having Susan and her Father over for dinner and really making a connection. A connection as a family, something Meredith desperately wanted. Susan had represented to Meredith the kind of Mother she always wished Ellis could have been. Susan was sweet, kind, thoughtful…she bought over groceries and talked about every day normal things. She even scolded when it was warranted. Susan had been a connection to her Father. And then she died. From hiccups. It didn't seem to matter how trivial something was, it always managed to affect Meredith and those in her life, those she was closest too. Susan's death hadn't only taken away her 'fake mommy,' but it had torn Meredith away from her Father. She could still see the look on his face when she told him his wife was gone, taken away from him forever. He had looked shocked, and then angry. The look on his face still haunted Meredith. She could understand the slap to some degree. He had lost his wife, the person who meant the world to him and he had lashed out in pain. But the thing that haunted her the most was the last words her Father had said to her, when he had banned her from the funeral.

I came here to tell you, you're not wanted, Meredith.

And that was really what it came down to, all her intimacy issues, her trust issues, they all stemmed from the fear that she wasn't, and never would be, truly wanted, truly loved by someone.

But perhaps the one abandonment that had hurt her the most was Derek. When he had chosen Addison, something inside Meredith had snapped. And she was desperate to fix it. She needed to fix it because without it she was even more lost than before. Trust. Trust was what had snapped, what had broken, and if she didn't find a way to fix it she would be alone forever. But that was easier said than done. She wasn't sure if he had noticed, but since they had got back together, not once had Meredith told Derek she loved him. She did…so much…so much it physically hurt, but she was incapable of saying it, of putting herself out there again only to be rejected and end up alone. Again. The last, and only, time she had told him she loved him, he had walked away. He had chosen Addison, and while she knew that he would not be the man she loved if he hadn't given his marriage a shot, she also knew it had damaged something inside her. And now she was deathly afraid to tell him she loved him, something she knew he needed to hear because she was afraid he would walk away.

Meredith gave a little sigh, and got up from the couch, walking silently across the living room, and into Cristina's bedroom. She walked over to the bed, and leaned over her best-friend to see if she was still sleeping. Cristina looked like a shadow of her former self, the tear-stained cheeks so out of character for the hardass surgeon. Although it may not have seemed like it, Cristina had wanted to marry Burke. But she was having difficulty because while she had wanted to marry him, she had not wanted to have to change for him, and that is what had slowly been happening. Cristina had been shaving off bits of her personality to appease Burke, something he had finally realized on their wedding day. And he had walked away. He had literally packed up the things he treasured most and left town. No-one had heard or seen him since he had left the church. Cristina's words played in Meredith's mind, over and over again.

"I'm free. Damn it!"

When Burke had come out of the church to confront Cristina, and had, in effect, set her free, a little light of hope had died within Meredith. She had never witnessed a happy, successful relationship, and it had become extremely important for her to see that it was possible to have a happy ending. She had needed Cristina to get married in order to prove to herself that one day she could have it all. But when the wedding had failed to take place, Meredith was crushed beneath the weight of fear and doubt. Fear and doubt which just might have ruined the relationship with the person she loved the most.

Meredith backed out of the room, grabbing the blanket from the foot of the bed on her way out. She sank back onto the sofa, memories of Derek flooding into her mind. Derek, who loved her, and wanted her to be happy. Derek, who had saved her from drowning, Derek, who had never expected her to change for him. Derek, who loved her enough to walk away, and to let her try to be happy with Finn, if that is what she wanted.

"I wanted to come over here this morning to tell you... But now all I want to tell you is that I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you forever. And now you have a choice to make. I want you to take all the time you need, I don't want to rush you, but I love you. Just take your time. Because when I had to make a choice... I chose wrong."

"You deserve to be with somebody who makes you happy. Somebody who doesn't complicate your life. Somebody who won't hurt you. He's the better guy. Finn's the better guy. I'm walking away."

"I'm just a guy, and we started this thing. We started this thing. You didn't know anything about me. The good, the bad, the wife. You didn't even know my name. You didn't know me. I want you to know me. I want to start over from the beginning. So, hi, I'm Derek Shepherd."

"From now on, you can expect that I'm gonna show up. Even if I yell. Even if you yell. I'm always gonna show up. Okay?"

"I am your knight in shining whatever."

"Meredith, I do love you. Don't you see? Don't you understand? You're the love of my life. I can't leave you. But you're constantly leaving me. You walk away when you want, you come back when you want. Not everyone, not your friends, but you leave me. So, I'm asking you, if you don't see a future with us. Please... please just end it because I'm in it. Put me out of my misery."

Tears slowly ran down her cheeks and dripped off her chin. She was in it, she saw a future for them and it had scared her because she didn't know if he saw a future for them. But before the wedding he had said that he did, that he wanted more, that she was the love of his life. He was her knight in shining…whatever. He made her happy, content. Despite what her mother had thought, loving Derek didn't make her ordinary. Loving Derek was what made her extraordinary. He had given her back her life; he gave her something to smile about, to be happy about. She wanted to learn to let him in, to give him a place in her life the way she had with Cristina. But Cristina had never left her. Cristina had stayed and picked up the pieces after Derek had left the last time. But now…now it seemed as if he was in it for good. 'I can't leave you, but you are constantly leaving me.' Oh God, what had she done? Meredith pulled the blanket up around her chin, and sobbed quietly into the pillow.

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Derek Shepherd loosened his tie, his head falling forward into his palms, the emotion of the day finally taking hold. He had come to the one place he could think, to try and digest all that had happened. He had walked into the gallery and sat down, feelings rushing through him, rendering him effectively useless. He had returned to the hospital after the wedding had been cancelled, after Meredith had walked up the aisle to inform everyone that the wedding was over, and with that statement, she had broken his heart. Her words kept coming back to him.

"It's over. You can all go home. It's so over."

His mind kept flashing back to their conversation in the locker room.

"Meredith, I do love you. Don't you see? Don't you understand? You're the love of my life. I can't leave you. But you're constantly leaving me. You walk away when you want, you come back when you want. Not everyone, not your friends, but you leave me. So, I'm asking you, if you don't see a future with us. Please... please just end it because I'm in it. Put me out of my misery."

"I... I can't. Christina's getting married. I have to go... to make sure she's getting married," she has stammered.

"Meredith?" he had said, incredulously.

"I really need to make sure she gets down that aisle," she had replied, her voice desperate.

She had once again chosen her friends over him, and the pain that caused nearly crippled him. He loved her more than life itself but he didn't seem to be enough for her. He couldn't make her stay with him, but he couldn't imagine his life without her. So he sat, silent, looking down into the OR, memories of her filling his head.

He remembered when they had first met, when he had just been a guy in a bar and she had just been a girl. A girl who had caught his attention the minute he laid eyes on her. She had looked almost regal, despite the fact she was sitting at a bar mainlining tequila. Her dirty blonde hair fell in soft waves down her back, settling around her shoulders, framing her face. Her black dress, with slits up the sides and the strappy sandals woven around her delicate ankles made him think perhaps she had been on a date, or at least somewhere fancy. She had literally taken his breath away, and it wasn't just her appearance. There had been something about her, something he couldn't put his finger on, but it had captured his attention, it had drawn him in like an invisible line tying him to her. She had been 'just a girl', but she was so much more than that. So much more.

"Double scotch, single malt please," he said, turning to look at the woman next to him. "So, is this a good place to hang out?"


"I wouldn't know, never been here before," she replied.


"You know what? I haven't either. First time here. I'm new in town. Never been to Seattle. Ah, you're ignoring me."


"Trying to," she answered, a little amusement tainting her words.

"You shouldn't ignore me!"

"Why not?" she replies, curiously.

"Because I'm the kind of guy you need to get to know to love," he replied.


"So you're saying if I get to know you, I'll love you?"


"That's right."

He flashed back to the only time she had ever said 'I love you,' when he had made the worst mistake of his life in trying to repair his marriage, a marriage that was broken long before he met Meredith. He remembered her words, and her begging him not to leave him.

"Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

But he had. He had left. He had left her to pick up the pieces; he had gone back to Addison more out of duty than anything else. He loved Addie, but he wasn't in love with her, and if he was honest he hadn't been for years. If he was honest, he had left Meredith because he was scared…scared of what she made him feel, terrified of the power she had over him and how often she was on his mind.

He thought about their bright and shiny moment, the one that had not even lasted a day, before they had decided to be dull and lifeless together.

"We can take it slow. We can take it incredibly slow," he had murmured into her hair.


"We're taking it slower than that! We're starting fresh!" she had replied.


"And starting fresh means no sex, because..." he had asked, the question lingering in the air.


"Because we started with sex last time, and that didn't go so well. Plus the waiting is fun, and we need fun. From now on I want to be bright and shiny."

He thought back to the one thing she had said that had given him hope that she was in it as much as he was.

"When I drowned, it was different for you than it was for me. Something happened to me, and I really don't know how to explain it without sounding like... I just feel different - I want to be better at everything, and I want to let you in. I swear. Just, now is not the time to give up on me, okay? That's what I'm saying."

He knew she had said that she wanted to let him in, and the look on her face when she said it had made him believe that she meant it. She had been trying not to break down. So to diffuse the situation, and give her a much needed breather, he had asked her if she had practiced her speech. And she had laughed; that gorgeous laugh that still, no matter how many times he heard it, wrapped around him and made him smile, that made him feel warm all over. When she had laughed, he had thought, 'mission accomplished.' But that was the last time he had heard her laugh. After her informing him that she wanted to let him in, so much had happened to her that he wondered if she would be able to dig her way out of the crap that had literally tumbled down on her. He knew her life was difficult at the moment, and he was honestly amazed that she was still upright. And he knew that he had promised her he would always show up, but that was a promise that was getting more and more difficult to keep. She constantly chose her friends over him, and continually wanted to struggle through an experience on her own. His biggest fear was that he wasn't enough for her and that she would leave him. And it seemed to be coming true.

When he had pulled her tiny, frozen body out of Elliot Bay, he had spent the scariest hours of his life praying for her to breathe, praying for her to come back to him. He had been forced to stand by and watch as the woman he loved struggled for her life and there wasn't anything he could do. And while he had waited for her to breathe, for her heart to start beating once more, all he could think was that he had failed her. He had known something was off, he had known what her Mother had said, he had known how badly it had affected her, had broken her, yet he hadn't made her talk. He should have, he should have pushed her, forced her to open up. But he hadn't. He had failed her. He was not enough for her to want to keep living. He had been living with that fear ever since, and it just wouldn't leave him. She was the air he breathed, and he wondered if he could continue to exist in a world where she didn't. At night he dreamed of her wet, lifeless body, of her beautiful, porcelain face blue from cold and lack of oxygen. He hadn't had a good night sleep in weeks, and it wasn't getting better. If anything, it was getting worse.

As Derek sat, his head in his hands, he blocked out all the sound around him, and never noticed the woman come into the room, heels clicking on the floor, and sit down next to him.

"Derek. Derek!" Addison demanded. "What are you doing?"

Derek pulled his hands away from his face, and turned his head to look at his ex-wife.

"I'm sitting here, where it was once peaceful and quiet," he replied, frowning at her.

"Oh, don't give me that. That's not what I meant, and you know it. What are you doing, Derek?

Derek sighed, knowing she was far too stubborn to let it go. "I honestly don't know, Addison."

"Derek, when she said it was over, did she mean…?" Addison asked cautiously.

"It would seem so," he replied wearily.

"And you are sitting her because….?" She asked, staring at him, trying to gauge where he was at.

"I'm not in the mood for this Addison. You lost the right to nag me when our divorce papers were signed," he snapped.

"Derek, I know she loves you. It is written all over her face, just like it is written all over yours! You never felt about me the way you feel about her, and yet you seem to have fought harder for our marriage than you are for the woman who makes you light up just by smiling at you! What the hell is wrong with you? Why won't you fight for what you want? For what you obviously need?" Addison demanded to know.

"Because……because I don't know who she is anymore, Addison. She shuts me out of her life every chance she gets. She will let everyone in but me. I….I just don't know her anymore," Derek whispered.

Addison felt her frustration reach boiling point. This was the final straw. The men in this hospital had her wanting to rip her hair out in giant clumps. She took a deep breath, before saying, "Derek, you have always known who she is. She is the woman who bought back that twinkle in your eye, who makes you feel alive, who loves you more than life itself. She is the woman who has been going through more in the last little while than anyone should ever have to go through. She has lost her mother, her step-mother and for all wants and purposes, her father, all in the space of a few months. She is probably confused, scared and feeling incredibly unsure. She is a little lost right now, but underneath she is still the woman you know and love. And you know it."

Derek turned away from Addison, stood up and walked over to the glass separation, looking down into the OR. His shoulders slumped, and he let out a sigh.

"I know I love her, that is what I know. But as for her loving me? She has said it once, Addison, once, and she had never said it again. So don't tell me I know that she loves me, because I don't even think she knows anymore. I don't think she wants it as much as I do. I'm not enough for her….I wasn't enough for her when she…." He broke off, not wanting Addison to know he was the guy who dreamed of his dead girlfriend. Because she had been dead. She had left him, and he knew now what it would feel like to lose her forever, and that feeling would not go away, it crippled him.

Addison looked at the broken man sitting before her, and wished he could have cared for her even a tenth as much as he did for Meredith. He looked awful, dark rings under his eyes, eyes swimming with unshed tears.

"Derek, you need to…." She was interrupted by the incessant beep of her pager. She picked it up, looked at it, sighed, and then slowly got to her feet.

"Just talk to her, alright?" She advised, before walking out of the room, the clicking heels indicating her departure, as they faded away.

Derek gave a half-hearted nod, and closed his eyes, pressing his head against the glass. The coolness seemed to sooth his mind, but not his worries. He loved her, he knew that, and he needed her, but he needed her to need him, to want to be with him, to feel for him the way he felt for her. Talk to her. That was easier said than done. Talking to Meredith at the moment was more often than not a very one sided conversation. Yet he had so much to say, so much fear, that it was overwhelming him. So he sat in the darkness, alone, her words still running through his head. "It's over. You can all go home. It's so over."