Author's Note: Hello friends, I fell into this idea a few days ago and then it wouldn't leave me alone so I had to start writing it. Totally AU and featuring trans Remus, this is just going to be a fun little story I'm using as a break from On a Clear Night, which is so much more angsty. As always, any feedback is appreciated! You know I own nothing, I know I own nothing, let's get on with the story.


- AWESOME PRIVATE POOL HOUSE FOR RENT TO TOP NOTCH PERSON - QUEERS PREFERRED (SILVER LAKE)

THE ROOM: Okay it's more like a fucking palace. You get a GIGANTIC room with HUGE WINDOWS that look out onto our BADASS POOL where you might be able to catch eye candy like my roommate and I enjoying some rays or floating around on our doughnut shaped floaties. There are fucking hardwood floors, there is CENTRAL AIR but you legit won't need it cause we get breezy up on the hill here. There's a bathroom, it's got a toilet and other bathroom stuff. Nice tub (big enough for two ;D) and tons of storage. You'd use the kitchen in the main house which is boss and we never really use so it's basically like your own fucking kitchen. The backyard has a FIRE PIT and BAR and you'll want to live here forever because it is the best damn room on C-list. I checked okay? Trust me. Check those rad photos.

$450/mo, you pay your third of the utilities (including internet) which is like $120 more. Available literally right this fucking second.

US: James is my roommate he has this radio show on NPR that he thinks is fucking cool and he's going to expect you to be really impressed by it but in reality he's a total dbag loser. He's like pretty good looking if you're into weirdly lanky hisptery-looking dudes with stupid glasses. He probably going to be playing some stupid shit like WOW until the middle of the damn night and this is why he's constantly moaning about not having a girlfriend.

I'm basically the hottest piece of ass you've ever seen. I own the damn house and I work at a sick record store called Cosmic Vinyl on Sunset. Queer AF, great hair, if those things bother you then you can fuck on off out of here. I've got a badass dog who rules the house, you will need to be approved by this dog or it's a no-go.

YOU: Chill, willing to roll with the punches, laughs at our amazing jokes, have a job and shit like that. Don't steal stuff (like our last roommate), don't eat our food (like our last roommate), don't bother James when he's working or me when I'm sleeping. Just generally don't be a dick.

Looking for someone without pets who's queer-friendly, willing to hang out with their awesome roommates, decently clean (like you shower and shit) and no hard drugs (we don't do that crap anymore). Bonus points if you're sexy as hell regardless of gender.


"I don't know it really sounds like a scam."

"Okay," Lily said, sighing, "it definitely could be a scam because it's SO cheap and those pictures do not even look real. They might be secret serial killers but this is why you HAVE to go see it. Can you IMAGINE living in a place like that with a pool? I wish I didn't have 6 months left on my lease."

"They sound like complete spanners Lily."

"Remus, literally look around you right now. What do you see?"

"A crappy motel room."

"Do you want to live there forever?"

"Okay, point taken, I also can't afford to live here much longer or I'll have no money for a deposit."

"Look I sort of already emailed them about you."

"Lily!"

"I knew that you'd be hesitant because they sound like complete prats so I emailed them about you. So now all we have to do is wait."

"What did you tell them?"

"Nothing that isn't true! Just that you're a grad student and that you're international and have an adorable accent And you like attractive men."

"Oh my fucking god."

"Well you do! And anyway I got you an appointment with them so if you don't show up you'll look like a jerk."

I put my head on the cheap laminated desk. How did I become friends with this girl? I groaned dramatically. How is it that she already knew me well enough to know that the mere idea of breaking this appointment (that I didn't even make) was giving me anxiety?

"Can't I just live on your couch forever?"

"No. You're allergic to cats weirdo. This is why you're in the motel. Stop whining and just go meet them. How bad could it be?"

"Didn't you just say they could be serial killers?"

"Okay but serial killers that only want $450 per month for a back house in Silver Lake."

"So it's worth death?"

"Remus you've seen the prices for rooms in LA, yes it's worth death it's right near the bus!"

I groaned again. There was nothing for it, I knew she was right. I was going to have to meet these outrageous bros who might be serial killers.

"Fine you wore me down. When's the appointment? You're driving me though and coming inside with me in case they try to kill me."

"Brilliant."


The next day was beautiful. Perfectly sunny with a breeze lazily shaking the tops of the palm trees and keeping the heat from settling into your skin. It was the kind of day where you needed sunglasses and a cold drink, needed to drive with the windows down, to play your music loud and laugh just a little bit louder. It was the waning breath of summer. I threw on my sunglasses (a new purchase that I realized were necessary here in a way they never had been in Dublin) and a button down short sleeve shirt. I stood in front of the mirror trying not to stress too much. You look fine. No one is going to notice. I took a few steadying breaths and smoothed down the front of my shirt, turning sideways one way and then the other. This is as good as it's going to get right now. My phone pinged.

Lily E: I'm outside. Come on, time to go!

Me: I look like an idiot.

Lily E: Shut up and please get your arse in my car. I'll buy you coffee.

Those were the magic words. In any case it wasn't like I was going to let Lily drive all the way to my motel and then lose my nerve. I punched out a quick reply, Coming.

Outside the motel Lily was waiting in her ten year old black Prius, which I'd heard her call, on several occasions, a "massive dump of a car".

"You ready for this?"

"God, no."

"Good thing I bribed you with coffee."

"It was mostly fear of your anger."

"Awww Remus, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me!"

We drove to my new favorite coffee place and had just enough time to make it to the house before the appointment. As we pulled up to the house, Lily let out a long whistle, "You've got to be kidding me, this cannot be the house." I checked my phone again, and yes, Google was insisting that we had arrived. "I'm pretty sure it is. At least as long as they gave us the right address."

She pulled the Craigslist post up on her phone again and nodded, "I guess I just didn't think it could look as good as it does in the pictures. They usually make it look so much better with trick photography or something."

The driveway sloped down from the street and was made up of thick concrete slabs with grass running between them, grass that was so green, you'd think California had never been in a massive drought. Huge shady Eucalyptus trees flanked the house, which featured several gigantic floor to ceiling windows on each level in the front. It was mostly off-white, with natural wood paneling surrounding the wide, black front door. I'd never seen a house like this. Back at home I was used to row houses and brick, buildings that were older than the trees on this property, older than the Silver Lake reservoir itself. This modern behemoth, all hard lines and smoothly mixed materials, looked more like something out of a movie or a magazine than a real house.

"Holy shite." I almost couldn't get out of the car, "Do you think they meant the rent was $4,500 and they forgot the extra zero?"

"I don't even care to be honest, now I just have to see the inside of it."

We got out of the car and walked up the steps, me compulsively flattening my shirt and stressing about making a good first impression. You have to leave it to me, only I could both simultaneously be grossed out and annoyed by the brospeak in the ad I was answering and incredibly anxious about making a good impression on the very people who wrote that same ad. Calm down Remus, nothin to get scundered about it's just some California kids with too much money. It'll be fine.

"Stop that Remus, you look handsome. They're going to love you."

I rang the doorbell without answering and somewhere from within the house there was the sound of booming barks that echoed off the walls. This, I figured, was the dog I would supposedly have to impress in order to live here. I hoped it wasn't going to bite my head off.

"JAMES," a voice screamed from inside the house, "HE'S HERE."

"I know you fucking idiot I'm getting the door." the second voice, presumably James, came from much closer.

The door opened to reveal a tall, think man with hair that looked like he had just taken his hand out of it. He had a long face with a square jaw which was sporting just the right amount of stubble. He was grinning slightly crookedly and his glasses which, as advertised, were very hipster, had slid halfway down his nose. Next to me, there was a sharp intake of breath from Lily. I couldn't blame her. Overall, the picture was certainly not bad.

"Hey! You're ummm, Remus? Is that how you say it?" James stook out a hand jauntily, and I shook it

"Yeah, you got it."

"I'm James Potter. Who is your unbelievably gorgeous friend?"

"Nice to meet you, erm...this is my mate Lily. She's here for moral support."

But James wasn't looking at me, he had his eyes glued on Lily. Lily in turn was blushing and shaking his hand. Jesus Christ with the breeders. Focus Lily.

"Come on in come check out the place."

James stood back to let us into the entrance to the house, which was, if possible, even more magnificent inside. It had been recently refurbished if it wasn't newly built. The walls were painted the palest gray and the wood floors were ashy toned but gleaming. We entered into a short walkway which opened onto a huge staircase, a vintage mid century chandelier hung above it.

"You can come through here, I'm sorry I think Sirius might be still fucking primping but he's gonna want to give you the tour himself. It's his house after all."

We were led into a living room with deep comfortable modern couches and a huge flat screen mounted over a fireplace.. The room backed up to the garden beyond which could be seen through more floor to ceiling windows. There was a green lawn, a variety of succulent planters and-

"Oh my god there's the pool Rem look!"

"Nice. I could get used to that."

James grinned if possible even wider, "Make yourselves at home, I'd offer you drinks but it looks like you're set. Let me see if I can grab Sirius."

He walked out of the room, Lily watched him go and as soon as he was out of earshot rounded on me.

"Oh my fucking god. He is so fit."

"Okay but he really is."

"Remus I think this might be a dream, we might be dreaming!"

"Together? That's unlikely, I have a feeling my dreams feature slightly different content than yours."

She punched me in the arm playfully, "Oh shut the fuck up. If the back house is as nice as the front house you literally need to sign something today."

"Yeah he doesn't seem too bad right?"

She let out a frustrated sigh, "I want to live here!"

"All you have to do is seduc-"

But she shushed me because at that moment there was a loud bang and some laughing and James reappeared followed by a shorter man with long black hair thrown casually back into a bun. My first thought was that he walked like the kind of guy who was used to being noticed as soon as he entered a room. He had high cheekbones and beautiful olive skin, bright wide eyes and tattoos covering the visible portions of his strong arms. He's wearing a Sex Pistols t-shirt and black jeans that were so tight, I wondered if he took so long coming downstairs because he couldn't get into the jeans. Behind him padded a large black German Shepherd, who looked nervous enough to use him as a bit of a shield.

"Sirius, this is Remus and his friend Lily who I guess is the one that emailed you."

Sirius shook our hands, "God I love meeting beautiful fucking people."

I must have blushed because my face was hot, and Sirius, the cheeky fuck, looked straight at me and winked. I have no idea how anyone could be fit enough that they can wink and still not look completely ridiculous. Actually, strike that, he did look the stook, but something about those prominent grinning canines and the twitch in his raised eyebrow was charming instead of stupid.

"Nice to meet you too." I choked out, trying not to stare at his biceps.

"Fuck James have you heard this accent?"

James laughed. "Yeah obviously, do you want to show them the house first or…?"

Sirius shrugged. "Let's talk a bit first."

We sat on one of the couches and instantly there was a wet nose pushing against my left hand. The German Shepherd had decided that my hand would be better used scratching behind his ears so I did just that. He was silky-furred and smelled good, and he leaned against my leg as I stroked him. I've always been a huge fan of dogs, but never grew up with one, our garden back home was just too small to have a dog.

"What's his name?"

Sirius smiled, "Padfoot. That's weird he's normally a huge dork and is afraid of new people. This is a good sign for you Lupin."

"He's really sweet."

James looked at Sirius, "Are you going to ask him the questions?"

"Right, right, I'm getting to that you dickhead...okay uh...so we have some questions for potential roommates that we worked on together," Sirius pulled a piece of paper from his pocket with some difficulty, "It's a foolproof system to see if you're cool."

Lily laughed, "Wow yeah that sounds totally sane and scientific."

I rolled my eyes a bit, "I can already guarantee that I'm not cool."

Sirius' eyes narrowed comically, "We'll be the judge of that. Okay question one: what is your middle name? And also I'll add to that what the fuck kind of name is Remus?"

Great, I thought, we're talking about naming already. Cis people tend not to understand how personal naming is, because they've never had to do it before unless they have kids, and even then that's not your identity, it's someone else's. But it isn't like this was the first time I'd faced the question, Remus isn't exactly a run of the mill name. Then again, I hadn't had a normal name before either.

"Erm okay, my middle name is John, sorry not too exciting, my dad picked it. My mum teaches classics at Trinity so she's sort of a Greek and Roman history buff and that's where the Remus comes from - from the less successful of the twins that founded Rome."

James furrowed his brow and laughed, "Isn't he the one that was murdered? Your mom must have a fucked up sense of humor."

I sighed, "Yeah, my mum's always been a fan of the underdog. Anyway what the fuck kind of name is Sirius?"

Sirius laughed and spread his arms wide as if it were the silliest question in the world, "I'm a star, obviously."

Lily looked over at James, "Is he for real?"

"Unfortunately," Jame sighed, "he is fucking for real."

"Question two," Sirius talked right over them, pointedly making eye contact with me, "current favorite TV show?"

"Probably Westworld, or no wait, actually yeah Westworld. Although it has some pretty questionable gender politics at points? But I study a lot of TV so I've got a new favorite every week. Mr. Robot is a favorite too."

"Question three: are you an extrovert or an introvert?"

"I dunno, I like to study a lot so people would say that I'm an introvert because of that but I also like to party and I've been known to break a few rules. So maybe I'll say I'm a part-time extrovert."

"Question four: What's your drink of choice?"

"Whiskey. Neat. I'm Irish, come on give me a hard question."

Sirius put down the list of questions and looked me in the eye, "Tits or ass?"

"Well, I mean I'm queer so ass."

"Johnny Cash or The Clash?"

"The Clash"

"Facebook or Instagram?"

"Tumblr."

"Ohhhh nice," Sirius nodded, "Okay morning or night?"

"Night."

"Briefs or Boxers?"

"On me or someone else?"

"On you."

"Boxer briefs."

"Coffee or tea?"

"Both."

"Sex or food?"

"Both."

"No way, not this time, answer the question sex or food?"

"Sex."

"James or me?"

"You." I answered so quickly I didn't even have time to think about it, and as soon as the word left my mouth I flushed. Lily started to snicker behind her hand. She wouldn't make eye contact with me when I tried to give her an angry stare, so I settled for looking at my hands.

"Well, Remus, it seems like you make a lot of good decisions." Sirius was looking pleased with himself, so I supposed at least I made him happy with my last answer.

We took a tour of the house then, which was as beautiful as the entry and living room had been. James asked me a few more questions, most of them practical things like how I was employed, what my habits were like, what my tolerance for noise was like ("as you might imagine, it gets noisy here sometimes, especially when Sirius is working on his bike"). The kitchen was awesome, I love to cook and the idea of having a range with eight burners was making me itch to get in there and whip up a feast. James and Sirius, on the other hand, seemed pleased by the idea that they might be able to share in some food that didn't come from GrubHub.

"So the ad said that you own this house, Sirius?" Lily asked as Sirius as he opened the back door and they walked out to the edge of the pool, "Sorry but how is that possible? Are you some crazy entrepreneur or something?"

"Nope," Sirius said shrugging, "honestly I work at the record store and that's it. This is my gay uncle's place, or used to be, before he died. I was lucky he left it to me. He was the best guy," Sirius looked down and kicked a stray bit of grass, "he worked in movie production and took me in when I was in high school with this idiot here."

James grinned, "You guys would have liked him, he was as weird as Sirius but like, actually funny."

"Suck a dick James."

"Nah I'll leave that to you Sirius."

Something about the way Sirius talked about his uncle made sense to me. Was he a total braggart and a bit of a spoiled brat? Of course he was. But he had a heart in there somewhere. And James clearly cared a lot about him, you could tell they were like brothers, they looked out for one another.

The pool house, oh god, the pool house was way bigger than it looked in the pictures. It was actually two rooms rather than one ("I forgot that" said Sirius as we walked in, "I never came in here while Peter was renting it"). One room could be used as either a really huge storage space/closet or small living room or office, the bedroom in the front was full of light, and the bathroom had both a nice shower and a tub big enough to soak in.

"And, you really want $450 for this?" I asked, waiting for the other shoe to drop. There had to be a catch right?

Sirius shared a look with James, "Yeah, that's not too much is it?"

I had seen a ton of apartments in Los Angeles already. They were usually three to four times as much as this for a studio with carpet that had been there since the 1960s, walls cracked from the heat and a complete lack of amenities. Here I had access to a chef's kitchen, there was a pool, there was my own private (detached!) space, there was a washer and dryer for my clothes. This was the promised land of rentals, and these two dopes had no idea what they had. They could have rented it for a ton more money. Lily was right, a property like this was worth whatever annoyance these two idiots could throw at me. They didn't seem like they were drug dealers or murderers, just some spoiled kids who were coasting a bit through their twenties.

"So, any chance I can take the place today or are you looking at more candidates?"

James and Sirius shared another meaningful look, and I had a feeling I would be seeing a lot of these types of looks if I did indeed get the place. It was clear that they spoke their own language and it was going to take me a while to learn to translate it.

James clapped me on the back, "It's all yours nerd. When do you want to move in?"


Lily drove me back to the motel and the whole way back we chatted about the two fit guys and how amazing the house was. She threatened several times to move into the tiny second room, but there was no way that was going to happen. I was going to have an office! Together we googled Sirius' uncle and found out that he was indeed a famous and eccentric movie producer, known for throwing huge parties in the 1970s and 1980s in the very house that I would be moving into. He had bought into Silver Lake back in the 70s when the neighborhood had lost its appeal from its early days as the home of Disney. But this turned out to be a smart move. Now Sirius and James were set up with a house that was definitely worth more than they even knew, in a neighborhood that was one of the most desirable in Los Angeles. This was unreal, it was like something out of a fairy tale.

The next day I moved into the pool house with just three boxes and two suitcases, everything that I had brought over with me from Dublin. Sirius opened the door at one in the afternoon, yawning, still in his sweatpants and looking like he just got out of bed. I tried to ignore the way his pajama pants just skimmed his hipbones, revealed by his slightly-too-short t-shirt and instead shoved a box into his arms.

It took ten minutes to move everything from the Uber into the pool house and another ten minutes for me to realize that I couldn't really unpack much other than the clothes (which went in the built-in storage near the bathroom) because I didn't actually yet own any furniture. So I went into the main house and plopped down on the couch next to Sirius and Padfoot, who were watching Cartoon Network. Sirius looked up from his bowl of cereal (he really must have just woken up).

"Yo wolfboy. You want some Lucky Charms?"

"Is that an Irish joke?"

"No I'm literally eating Lucky Charms."

"Oh, right. No I'm good I had breakfast like," I checked my watch, "six hours ago. Hey can you give me the wifi password?"

"Yeah, the network is 'the marauders' and the password is 'mischief managed' all one word."

"Okay and the name comes from...?"

"James and I had this band back in our first year of college, we were total idiots. Well, he was, I'm a musical genius. Anyway that was the band name, The Marauders."

"Why am I not surprised that the two of you had a band?"

"Because we seem like natural rock stars?" As he said this, he spilled a little milk from his spoon onto his chest. Padfoot scooted closer and started to lick it off his shirt. Not much about this screamed rock star to me but then again I'd never lived with a rock star before.

"So first day in the new place huh? What are you doing? You don't like have work for another two weeks right?"

"Yeah I have to order furniture today."

"Oh shit you don't have any furniture?"

"No, didn't make sense to move it from Ireland."

"So you're going out then?"

"I thought, honestly I'd just order stuff from Ikea online and have it delivered. Then I can put it together the next day or something."

"Put it together? Wait you're going to build your own furniture? That sounds super manly of you. How did you learn to do that?!"

I looked at him and I honestly couldn't tell at first if he was kidding or not. I gave a weak chuckle but he merely looked confused at me and continued to shovel cereal into his mouth at a somewhat alarming pace.

"You're kidding right? Have you never been to Ikea?"

"No. I mean that's the Swedish one right? Isn't it in Burbank?"

"Oh my god I can't believe it, where do you usually buy furniture?"

"After my uncle died I switched out a lot of the furniture but I just called his interior designer and she figured it out."

I leaned back deeper into the couch and looked at Sirius. God he was beautiful, but Christ he was a prince.

"You don't have work today do you?"

"Nope, it's my day off."

"Okay. I'm taking you to Ikea. You can't be a twenty-something and go around telling people that you've never had to buy a futon before, they will actually hate you."

"Oh sick. Alright it'll be a roomie adventure!" Sirius slopped a bit more milk down his front.

"You might want to take a shower first though."