Chapter 1 Whirlwind of emotions
I knew he was there at my chamber doors. What took him so much time to come over is not necessarily a mystery, but not one I would like to solve at this time. Perhaps he was hesitating, and I wouldn't blame him. Still, he came, bowed respectfully and stood beside me. I graced him with a smile and a nod. A fake and forced smile; I would have wanted to give him the greeting he deserved, but my spirit was at the depths of some dwarven mines. The long silence that was shared between us was welcome, but still it had to be broken or we would both be here until the next morn.
"What…" I started, but did not know what to ask, "…can I do for you?" I sounded very unconvincing.
I sighed, and chuckled at my own helplessness.
"I do not know if I should laugh with you given the situation, my prince. I could laugh and find humour in how very unfortunate the recent events have been, but somehow I do not find the heart for it. I could also look very grim because I know how deeply wounded all of this have left you, but I do not think that would help."
I shook my head slowly resting my forehead in my right hand.
"Laugh or cry, both I cannot do, so I content myself with giggling and sighing. How desperate I have become these last few days."
"You know I would tell no one."
I turned over to glance at Nadron. He was looking at me with compassionate eyes.
"Right, but I do not necessarily want to break down in front of you and start wailing like a newborn babe."
I winced at the thought and at my capacity to joke in such a state.
I signaled him to the spot next to me on the stone veranda, where I was sat cross-legged. Nadron never liked the places I chose to sit on: window sills, parapets, trees and anywhere near edges. According to him, I should not let myself be carried by my elven side and that we should only sit on places meant to be sat on: chairs. Still, tonight, he climbed up the stone veranda and sat next to me without complaining.
He waited patiently for me to speak. I breathed in and then out.
"My father has lived a good and fulfilling life and has given up on it willingly. I am sad, but I am not agonizing over his death. But then, my lady never told me of her illness because she saw how broken I was when the healers informed me that my father wouldn't have long left to live. When I finally knew, she was already on her dying bed."
I looked up towards the night sky and stared at the stars long enough to prevent tears from falling. I took in a deep breath so I could continue speaking.
"After he died, I refused to let anyone care for me, thinking my grief was too personal to be shared and that it should burden no one but me. I pushed everyone away, and I pushed her away. I knew I hurt her, but I thought I had the right to be left alone. Being as foolish as I was, I acted like a child and the sadness that I caused her was her final blow. I always told her that I loved her and she agreed to marry me even when she knew nobles would look down on her."
I sighed heavily for the umpteenth time today, and tears that earlier threatened to fall now did fall.
"How could I have been so blind to all the sacrifices she made for me?"
"You were grieving. There are things we cannot see when blinding by sadness."
"Still, I should not have pushed you all away. My father was your king as much as he was mine."
"You are human, well, you are a being of middle-earth, and like any others, you make mistakes. What is important is that you learn from them and never repeat them again."
"But Nadron, the price for my mistakes is too great. If the people saw what a failure of a prince I have been, never would they want me to be their king."
"That is nonsense! Your failures pale in comparison to your achievements."
"My friend, I am a mess. My mind is a wreck right now and even when I know that I must face my duties, I have no idea from where I should draw my strength."
"You are doing it again my prince. You should not make the same mistakes again."
I looked at my mentor and furrowed my brows as to show my confusion.
"You are not alone in this and you never have been even though that is what you have believed so far. You have always been watching our backs as our leader, and we have always been watching yours."
"This and that are different."
"Why does it have to be? It is the same, simply a different battlefield with different rules. When you are weak, seek help from the people you know you can trust, and when you are strong, add your strength to theirs so together you may climb the highest mountains."
"My father's advisors are still alive. I know them, and I also know that some do not support me and who knows what they will do when they see that I am an unstable ruler."
"You are, or soon will be King, and they are advisors. The King chooses who to listen to."
"It is not that simple. They have power even if they are called advisors. They are ministers and generals."
"Have you friends amongst ministers and generals?"
"I do. Some. You know that, you are one of them, why do you ask?"
"It is like a battlefield my prince. You have always fought outnumbered and have succeeded many times. You only have to do it again, and not without us by your side."
"Everything you say makes sense, and it is a lecture I have tried telling myself, but it is simply hard to do now. I will think about it, but I still need time to overcome my grief."
"Indeed you do. No matter how you look at it, you have lost two loved ones in the length time of one week. So please, do take time to overcome your sadness. We will cover you for as long as you need, but do not tarry. Do remember that you still have people who love you who are still alive and also need your attention."
I climbed down the veranda.
"Thank you, Nadron, you are a cherished friend."
He did the same.
"I am happy to be of help, and I also wish to deliver a message from your personal guards and knights before I am to be dismissed."
"What is it?"
"They wish to see you down at the dining hall. I believe they wish to lighten your mood. Please, if you will see them even if only for a short moment for they have been very concerned for your well-being, sire."
"I will, Nadron. I will go and meet my friends and reassure them that I will be fine. I just need a moment to myself."
"Thank you, sire. I will now take my leave."
I nodded. He turned around and left swiftly.
After he left, I took a good moment to breathe in the fresh scent of midnight air one last time. I seemed to be breathing a lot these days, strange when there was just no room for air. I exited the balcony and closed the glass doors behind me, then pulled the curtains.
I crossed the room towards the exit, but stopped half way in front of the mirror. Nearly twenty seven years have gone by and there was still not a single trace of a beard: I looked so much like my mother, my skin was too fair, and most would have thought me an elf if I did not have round shaped ears. I might not be able to remember my father's face at this rate. I have his black hair and grey eyes, but they are also my mother's black hair and grey eyes.
I never liked the way I looked, but Ellen did. She told me often that she saw me as an unworldly being sent to her by the Valars. In the end, I was unworthy of her love: not an unworldly being, but a foolish child.
I am left behind with nothing but memories and I do not believe I have the strength to remember them until I am myself sent to the halls of Mendos.
No longer staring at my reflection, but the ground, it took me a while to realize that I was shaking and tears were flowing freely down my face onto the carpeted floor.
I needed to be strong, or at least I needed to look strong. There is no way I could show this pathetic side of myself to my men. They would feel betrayed because all this time they thought I was strong.
I wiped my tears and cleaned my face with the water bowl. I pulled on a light coat and made my way outside of the room and down the hallway on the left. I descended two stairways and stopped right behind the closed doors to the dining hall.
"Are you sure he will be coming down tonight?"
"Nadron said he would, so he will."
"But it has been a while now."
"He'll come, I'm sure of it. The prince has always kept his words and Nadron doesn't lie. Well, not for this he wouldn't."
"I hope he comes soon because I'm hungry and kind of sleepy."
"Right. For some reason, I feel like getting wasted as soon as possible."
A loud yawn echoed behind closed doors. Someone smashed hard on the wooden table.
"I don't want to hear any of you complain anymore. If you don't want to wait, just get out of this room and do what you will elsewhere."
My lips slightly twirled upwards at the captain's words. He was always defending me so obstinately.
"I will not tolerate anyone doubting his highness's words. He doesn't need that from his most trusted subjects when his father the king and princess-consort Ellen have both just passed away almost at the same time, and all the idiotic nobles now flooding the castle trying to not very subtly gain power."
Captain Keran of the royal guards has always been a very close friend. He was simple minded and that was his forte at times like these. He spoke his mind and acted honorably. His only fault is that he does not swear allegiance to Gondor. He swore his allegiance to a child, and that sometime scares me. Even knowing so, I could never order him to do something that goes against his morals, which he has a lot. I do not doubt he would still abide to my orders, but he would be a broken man. Henceforth, he has only been responsible for keeping me alive. My knights deal with the missions.
"Yeah. And all the things about the coronation and the new duties; at least King Elessar felt his end coming and trained the prince beforehand at being king."
"Yes. And his mother."
I gasped.
"What about her majesty the queen?"
"What? Queen Arwen can't be dying too. She's an elf!"
"That's enough everybody, please."
"But she gave her immortality up for the King."
My mother, what is it about my mother?
"That's not what I said you twits! She's alive and healthy, she's just…"
"Enough!"
I barged into the room at the same time as everybody was silenced by Keran. He was standing at the long table his back to me. Everyone else turned their attention to me.
"Your highness."
"What is it about my mother?"
Keran turned and bowed quickly.
"Gelen. I heard you say something about my mother. Would you please tell me what it is about?"
I took a few steps forward closer to them.
"Uh. It truly is nothing of importance."
"Is she ill?"
"Not at all, she is very healthy in fact, and she has never been ill her entire life and will not be for at least two thousand and four hundred more years."
I raised an eyebrow at the precise number.
"You know much, what else have you heard?"
Gelen was sweating and seemed extremely nervous.
"That her majesty the queen is grieving deeply for her late husband, and something about her fea not being able to endure the pain if she stayed here any longer. And. Yeah."
He obviously held more knowledge than that, but now he was starting to twitch in his chair.
"You will not be punished for eavesdropping on her majesty if you will tell me the rest of the things you have heard."
The knights and the guards remained silent seeming to be dreading the news as well. I was standing at their table right in front of Gelen. Keran even tried to intervene, but I gestured him to sit down.
Gelen was now looking miserable with his eyes cast downwards. I sighed, pulled a chair over and sat down next to him.
"No more formalities, let's get this over with while my mood already."
What do they say in westron? Well, it does not matter.
"While my mood already smells like orch shit?"
I hear Joyes snicker in the background. I roll my eyes, annoyed. It has been since I've come to live in Gondor that people have started making fun of my speech. I spent most of my childhood with my grandfather and my great grandfather and I mostly spoke sindarin. It wasn't my fault that things were not said the same way in westron!
"She plans to leave the capital. Something about going north, that is all I know."
I lay back in my chair sighing.
"Do my sisters know?"
"I think one of them knows. The queen was talking to lady Aria."
My eldest sister, Gwathel Aria.
I sat up and placed my elbows on the wooden table. I looked at my men, some expressionless as always, some with sympathetic looks and a few with concerned stares. As I said, my mood smelt like orc shit and I seemed to be transmitting the smell to them. I graced them with an apologetic smile and broke the silence.
"So, gwenyr nin, where's the ale?"
Some of their heads shot up, surprised by my words.
"Did you not call me here for this?"
"We did! Gelen, give the prince a mug!"
An hour later and we were still drinking. Few were drunk, and I was still completely sober. I was now playing with the ring on my right index finger while Gelen was telling a senseless tale about a short human who lived with the dwarves.
"You are not alone, ernil nin."
Coming up behind me, he whispered those words to me and placed a hand on my shoulder.
"Le hannon, mellon nin."
"What brings you here, Lord Miluyr, please have a seat."
"I can't say the wind brought me here, so I will say the noise and the ale did."
Miluyr is my caretaker from Imladris. He is now a councillor even though he still "takes care" of me in a way.
A mug was placed in front of him.
"Thank you."
"Man siniath tognin?" What news do you bring me? I asked.
"Caul namarie." A heavy farewell.
"Im naer." I am sad.
"Gerich veleth naneth. You have your mother's love. Do not doubt her."
"U-Agoren. I'm not. I am hurt, that is all."
"Penneth, she leaves thee only so your heart has not to bear the pain of another burial."
'Because I have not done enough to keep her happy' is what I would have wanted to say, but I know it is not fair. I drank from my tenth mug, filled it again, and drank my eleventh.
"You sure can hold your drink, Eldarion."
I shook my head smiling a bit. The truth is that I can't hold my drink at all. Now I just have to take off my grandfather's ring and I would probably black out this very instant.
"Aha! That's true, unlike Thenin over there!" exclaimed Alryn suddenly from the other side of the table.
Alryn was the 'funny' royal guard. The man was twenty nine of age and loved attention.
All the guards exploded in a loud laughter.
"What? Why?" Thenin looked confused.
The man was a thirty six year old guard and very serious most of the time. Nonetheless, he was very kind and caring towards children and the young recruits he has under his wing. Unfortunatly, he had the tendency to become extremely affectionate when drunk.
"Don't tell me you don't remember! We were just recruits then, but the prince found you one pretty morning naked in bed with three partners! Naked too!"
The laughter roared even louder with the knights now joining in.
"I've never heard this one before," said Sir Kreus, "that's hilarious, I never thought Thenin was a women's man!"
Ai Erubereth! Thenin was not going to live it through tonight.
"Well you are not entirely wrong about that, Kreus, because one of those partners was in fact," all the knights held their breath waiting for their curiosity to be sated, "a man!"
Thenin's face was now as bright as a Narya. Keran sighed and put a hand up on his forehead, looking desperate. Miluyr remained calm and seemingly unshaken if not for the way his lips were trying not to curl upwards. The others were laughing out loud, but some stared at Thenin in shock with their mouth agape.
"It's not over yet, it's not over yet!"
I was too taken in my muse that I did not anticipate my own doom.
"Eldarion was totally freaked out! He ran all over the castle screaming like a little girl!"
I blinked and gaped; totally abashed by the way he described me.
"I was not screaming like a little girl."
It was my turn to become the red gemstone, and a very red one thanks to my elven heritage.
"Aye, I remember that one, I was cleaning the floor with Alryn when suddenly I heard someone scream, and then when I looked up I saw you dashing through the hall." Said Etel.
The knights looked at me trying to hold back their laughter.
"No, no, please don't hold back on my behalf."
And that's how the hysterical laughter pursued.
"There goes my reputation."
I sighed and shook my head.
"Aye, don't worry about it my prince, you were just a little boy and you just came back from Lorien. You were like a wild little thing always climbing trees. In fact, we found you hiding in a desperately high tree in the royal gardens."
"Ah, I remember that time, it was like yesterday. You didn't speak to anyone, but your parents, sisters and the two lords who accompanied you here, and you spoke 'elf' all the time! I even thought you didn't understand us because you were so shy."
"Oh yes, and it didn't help that you were terrified by Keran!"
"Ahaha! I think that was the funniest thing ever!"
"True, true; Keran was the youngest appointed royal guard then and King Elessar decided to appoint him as the prince's personal guard."
"Or more like the prince's personal babysitter!"
"That title had always been Lord Miluyr's."
"Yes, and Lord Talas was the prince's personal playmate."
"What was Keran then? He was always running after the prince like a mad man."
"That helped the prince build some pretty good stamina! Because then he was always running away from Keran."
I smiled and let out an exasperated sigh.
"But why were you afraid of Keran, sire?" Sir Prael asked.
"Uh." My eyes widened a bit at the unexpected question.
Keran looked at me from the corner of his eye. I shrugged.
"I guess it was because he was the biggest living being I had ever seen back then, and that our first meeting didn't leave a so good impression on me."
"Oh, what happened? Don't tell me it was another foursome?"
Everyone burst out laughing, and I was surprised that I joined them this time.
"You're an idiot." Keran glared at Gelen.
"No, well, I was exploring the castle and found myself in the barracks when Keran came back from hunting with a very big prize on his shoulders."
Young knights and guards who did know of the custom of the elves eyed me waiting for the rest of the story, but that was all there was to it.
"What happened after that?"
"Nothing. I probably screamed like a 'little girl'", I said smirking at Alryn, "and that was it."
"Uh."
Miluyr spoke up.
"Eldarion left Gondor at the age of five and spent eight years only feeding on vegetables. I am from Imladris , but I am certain those laegrims from Lorien taught him to…merge with the woods or something. "
"Pe-channas! Miluyr!" Idiot.
And without further notice Talas appeared at the ledge of the dinning hall's balcony. He swiftly jumped down, his waist long silvery gold hair cascading down his back as he landed.
"Mae govannen, mellon nin. Tolo, govano ven." Come, join us.
"No ale for me. The stench is horrible. I come only to rectify your words."
"Oh, but am I not right about what I said?"
"Wrong! Always wrong!"
"Ah, please, mellon nin, let us make a truce for until the grieving for the loss of our precious ones have lessened."
Talas eyed me with concern before regaining his ever audacious usual expression. He walked over to Miluyr who whispered something only he could hear.
"Far, an ngell nin. Havo dad." Enough, please. Sit down.
There was only one chair left at the table. And somehow that chair was being used as a foot step for both Thenin and Gelen with Kreus sitting in between them. Talas looked at them and quirked an eyebrow and then his eyes were trailing away, searching for poor Alryn.
Talas had one of those glares. Rumours say he was taught directly by Lady Galadriel before she left for Valinor at the beginning of the fourth age. Most people just looked away, but Alryn has always been spooked out by it.
And so to escape suffering under Talas's unbearable gaze, Alryn had politely offered him his seat and picked up the chair behind Kreus to use for himself. The young knight Arel then picked up his chair and went to sit down right beside the elf who glared at him. Arel returned a genuinely happy smile. Talas was Arel's best friend, but the other way around wasn't always obvious.
Talas had been like my brother ever since I was a boy. We met in Imladris. He came as a messenger for Lord Celeborn and had just come of age. In Imladris I was a scholar to the teachings of the elves. I was a good student and I liked to read and learn, but still Talas was the only young and spirited friend for mischief that I had. Sometimes, even Lord Elrond had a headache and called me a 'true son of Estel'. Talas and I left for Lorien at the same time. There, we spent four years together, him teaching me the ways of the Silvan rangers as much in mind as in body. That is where I first learned to wield weapons: bow and daggers. After that, I came back to Gondor to be taught the ways of men. Talas came with me.
The talking and telling of tales and jokes went on as usual, the knights and guards enjoying themselves. Keran and Miluyr enjoyed each other's silent company, as always. Talas still acted very elven after all these years. Some didn't like his attitude, but they didn't dislike him because they knew that no matter how obnoxious he made them believe he was, Talas was a very loyal and sentimental brother-in-arms. So they just blew it off as 'just some elf manners.'
Talas often joined the knights on their orc-slaying missions and there was this time when the young Arel was thrown off a cliff by an orc and Talas dived after him. We found them three days later in a very deep underground cavern. That was something to be unnerved about because laegrims wood elves had a deep fear of caves.
Sir Avol was leading the rescue squad. The knights found the man and the elf because the latter had been singing.
Talas had forced Arel into a deep slumber to save what was left of the young knight's energy. We know that because Miluyr had to use his powers to wake the knight.
Being an elf, Talas was only slightly physically wounded, and three days without water or food was the norm for him. What took a toll on him was spending three days in the depths of darkness without any trees, or grass.
When they found the two, Avol said that the elf was in a sort of trance and did not see nor hear them. He was afraid of his rescuers and tried to kill one of them for trying to lift Arel off of the ground. When they brought them back, Talas had stayed in that state for a few more days, refusing to have people near him except for Arel. He slept outside the whole time on top of trees in the garden. Arel often joined him, but always remained at the roots of the trees.
After normalcy came back to him, we asked him if he knew he was going to be able to save Arel by diving after him. He never answered our question.
"Do you hear me, Eldarion?"
I then realized that all this ale had started a while ago to get to my head. Keran had asked me something and I had no idea.
"Forgive me, I was not listening."
"No harm done sire. I only wanted to know if something was on your mind since you have not been speaking for a while."
I frowned. Suddenly, the truth started to sink back in. My father and my wife are gone. My mother is going to leave me soon as well. I have nobles bringing troubles to my doors, and I am to be crowned King in a few days.
It was devastatingly obvious that I should have something on my mind, but I should know Keran better by now. What he probably wanted to know was if I wanted to talk about something.
I downed another mug and had it refilled. All this alcohol was making me all warm and fuzzy and it seemed to make all my troubles seem. Unimportant.
"Um."
I took another sip.
"I was just thinking about the people in this hall. How we all came to be here."
I blinked a few times to try to chase the light dizziness away.
"I see."
I snickered at his boring response.
"And you brother, is there anything on your mind that you wish to speak of?"
"I have been thinking of ways to lighten your mood, my prince."
"You are so kind. You have always been kind and I fear I have never thanked you properly."
"No, you would have done the same for me so there is no need for you to thank me."
"This idea was great. To be honest, I actually forgot for a moment that I was supposed to be depressed."
I sighed and brushed my hair away. I placed a hand on Keran's shoulder and looked at him. He had so many heads.
"By Erubereth! Have you twin brothers?"
I think Miluyr was looking at me and wondering what I was about to do, but I was not too sure because my sight was unfocused and trying to see Keran's face was hard enough. But it was probably Miluyr because he was the only one annoyed by Erubereth, a mix between Illuvatar's westron name and Elbereth I had created when I was younger.
I tapped Keran's shoulder.
"Anyhow, I wish to thank you and everyone properly for being here. What do you think I should do?"
"Lord Eldarion, I think you have drunk too much. I will help you get back to your room."
I moved away from Keran and frowned.
"I am not going back to my room tonight."
"Why not sire?"
I heard the confusion in Keran's voice.
"Because I would be going back to an empty room," I whispered to myself.
I crossed my arms on the table and laid my head down on them. I heard someone in the back telling Keran to take the ale mug away from me. I didn't like that idea very much, but I also thought that I had had enough for tonight. I felt terribly chilly suddenly.
"She was always warm like, just like a bonfire in the cold of night. Her hands were flames that didn't burn me, but once melted my heart."
I probably sounded like a hopeless romantic, but I was only whispering. Hopefully not too many heard my useless confession to the dead.
"I should have wedded her."
"We could have had children, and those nobles would have left their daughters home."
"Miluyr, ho sogannen!" He is drunk.
"I would have something to remember you with besides this emptiness, memories, and remorses."
"Le isto." I know. "Keran, can you please take him back to his chambers."
"Melinyel. " I love you.
"Melinyel."
I have not been seen crying since the age of fifteen, when men are at age to go to war. That is why I did not understand what the watery trail that I felt on my cheek was.
