I know there are about a gazillion of these out there, but I couldn't help myself. My writing impulses are too difficult to resist.
Disclaimer: I don't own Gakuen Alice. And if I wasn't the person I am then I wouldn't want to own this piece of ohGodhelpusall either.
NOTE: This was made for the sole purpose of comedy. Please, PLEASE don't take anything in here seriously because chances are you will make a VERY terrible story and get flamed to hell. Which I don't want to be responsible for because all of this crappy advice is a joke.
The Guide To Fic Writing
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New to FFN? Having problems coming up with ideas? Just can't get your story to flow right? Is the end result just not to your liking? Or do you just want tips on how to make your stories a million times better? Whatever your motives for reading this are, this guide will definitely help you improve your writing and turn you into one of the best GAFFN writers on this site! Just follow these fifteen simple steps and before you know it, you'll be a pro.
I. Give your fic a really stupid title. Bonus if it has absolutely nothing to do with the plot.
"Eating Crab Paste"
II. Crappy summaries arouse curiosity. Make one.
Mikan wants to go to Central Town to buy Howalon. Oh wait no, she wants sex from everyone lol. omg whatever just read it asdfjkl;
III. Start your fic by having a long, drawn out and idiotic conversation between you and the characters. Then "forget" your disclaimer.
OMG haiiii!11!1! I'm Author-chan desu ne~! Thanks for clicking on my fic and I hope you enjoy it ne? x3
Tono: EY. WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS PIECE OF CRAP.
Author-chan: Ohmigosh it's Tono-sempai! HAIII TONO-SEMPAI! I LOVE YOU.
Natsume: Ew. Old man.
Author-chan: Nooo Natsume-kun! Don't be mean to Tono-sempai! T^T
Hotaru: Who the hell is this moron...
Author-chan: Ehmagawd Hotaru-chan! I love yew too~
Mikan: WHAT? YOU DON'T LOVE ME HOTARU?
Hotaru: I never said I loved this retard anyways.
Author-chan: Wahhh, Hotaru-chan you're so cold and heartless!1!11
Ruka: ...Uh, can we just get on with this?
Natsume: Yeah, all this dimwit talk is making me sick.
Author-chan desu: OMG are you gunna barf? I've got a barf bag...in my shirt, tee-hee~
Everyone except Author-chan: ...
Ruka: Just start the story please.
Author-chan: Okay I will Ruka-kun! Hee-hee~
Mikan: ...But Author-chan, you forgot the disclai—
Author-chan: SHUT IT. No one cares about disclaimers anyways, they won't notice if this one is missing.
Hotaru: Shut up and write. Now.
IV. Take a million years (apiece, if you wish) to describe what everyone's wearing/what they're doing/where they're going.
So Misaki and Tsubasa were going on their 1000th anniversary date which was celebrated on the 6th of each month because that's the day they got together so yeah. It's kewl to celebrate that day in each month rather than that one day every year because old people do that. So they decided to go to this one restaurant in Central Town and Misaki was looking sooooo pretty. Her hair was up in a ponytail with some loose strands hanging down over her face and she had on a dark blue denim jacket with a little glittery star charm on the zipper and a striped black and white tank top underneath. To complete the already supermegaawesome look she had on a white miniskirt with a lacy fringe at the bottom and lavendar platform sandals. It was so freaking hot.
Of course Tsubasa was completing her look nicely by standing by her side in a loose black T-shirt with an awesome design on it that consisted of chains, skulls and every color of the freaking rainbow. He had on dark jeans that were slightly faded with a couple of tears in them, but on him it looked really really sexy and cool. His hair was, as usual, slightly messy under his usual black cap. Soooo freaking awesome and hot.
They walked into the restaurant and had a really nice anniversary dinner. LOL the end.
V. Put all of the attention on your two main characters and only make someone else talk once in awhile.
"You almost hit me with your car," Natsume deadpanned.
Mikan glared at him. "I did not 'almost' hit you with my car. I was driving and you simply didn't make it to the other side of the street fast enough. Luckily I have some degree of selflessness."
"So what are you trying to hint at now?"
"Oh, nothing. Definitely not a certain time when you almost got me killed by the elementary kids' school bus because you decided to pick a fight right in the middle of the street, then walk away when you knew the bus was coming—"
"If you were smarter and more attentive, you would have seen it coming."
"And if you were considerate, you would have warned me!"
"It wasn't the right time because we were arguing."
"Does it matter? Are you trying to say you wanted me to get hit—"
"You guys, there are other people in this scene you know..." Ruka sweatdropped.
"Shut up, Ruka," they both said in unison. Then they continued to argue.
VI. Have an epic fail plot, and right at the best part of the fic make an even more epic fail plot twist.
The AAO infiltrated the school one day because they were bored and couldn't come up with any new schemes for other things they could be destroying. They kidnapped half of the student body and were just about to make their escape when the ESP set off the various bombs he had placed around the school just in case something like this happened. Unfortunately no one could make it out in time so they all died and met each other in heaven. Well, not EVERYONE, seeing as SOME PEOPLE *cough* went to hell. Then they all continued on with their regular lives except it was much easier because, come on. It's heaven.
VII. Lots of swearing just shows how OOC you can make everyone and still have an awesome fic. Speaking of which, make everyone OOC too. It's kewl.
"OH MY FUCKING GOD I'M PREGNANT!" Takahashi screeched. Everyone panicked until they stopped and actually thought about how fucking ILLOGICAL that sounded.
"Takahashi, how the hell can you get pregnant if you're a damn metallic, rock-solid, ugly piece of shit?" Nonoko asked. "You couldn't even find another robot who'd even wanna fucking touch you!"
"Yeah well that's the thing," Takahashi admitted. "I was actually built to be a sex robot but whoever was building me messed up and just decided to abandon me here and I didn't find out till now—and who're you calling a piece of shit? You damn brat!" Takahashi chased Nonoko around the entire school until they both got hit by that retarded ass bus that looks like a giant dog.
VIII. An author's note for every two sentences does not mean you're obnoxious and/or stupid. Neither does mixing Japanese and English.
Ruka was sitting on the rooftop with his eagle on his shoulder, reminiscing on his time at Gakuen Alice. He realized just how messed up the Gakuen really was, and how he couldn't wait to get away. (A/N: OMG, isn't Ruka sexyyy? Especially on a rooftop, LOL. Yum-yum. Shotacons ftw.) He especially didn't like how all of his friends suffered. Ruka hoped that one day, they all could just leave and live freely. (A/N: See, isn't Ruka KEWL? His dreams are so awesome. Only bakas hate him. Mmm one day his sexy bootay will belong to this hentai.)
IX. Write a sex scene that will mind-rape all of the poor virgins reading it, but somehow still sucks.
[Unfortunately the real author of this is incapable of such a thing because she lacks the willpower and/or guts, therefore she apologizes to all of the lemon fans that could possibly be reading this. Let's just pretend Koko and Sumire are totally getting it on.]
X. Then, for the lemon fans, ruin it. Horribly.
All of a sudden Sumire's hair fell off except it actually wasn't her hair. It was a wig and it turned out that Koko had actually been screwing Aoi the whole time. Koko was horrified because he stole Aoi's virginity and knew he was totally dead meat and ran away to go hang himself from the monkey bars at the playground except it turned out that Natsume didn't really care and Aoi wasn't a virgin anyways because she did it with Ruka's pet rabbit. LOL SURPRISE!
XI. Use text-talk, bad grammar and random flashbacks. It's hilarious.
"OMG guys, did u no that Hotaru lieks Ruka?" Mikan announced to her class on this one day of da week.
Hotaru shot Mikan with her totally aweschum Baka Gun ver. 100000000000000.1. "WTF, u weren't supposed 2 tell any1!" she growled. Mikan flew into the wall and broke it. Then Hotaru sat down and ate crab paste and blackmailed Ruka.
"Hotaru is liek so mean, desu!" Mikan whined loudly. "But I still luv her so whut?"
FLASHBACK
"Mom it's totally okai, I have a bunch of real nice memories so thx," Hotaru told her weeping mother. "You can just stop running away & send me 2 these mofos at whateva this Academy is so I can go thar and kick ass. Yeah."
END OF FLASHBACK
XII. Stupid (emphasis on the stupid, because some are actually cool) OCs are not annoying and do not prove to be self-inserts to pair you up with the people you like, so it's okay to make some up.
"Hi, my name is Lucinda Popouragati Xolital To El Renearbolarhea Un Superbaka Valentyne," the new student said. "I have every single Alice in the world and I'm wanted all over the country because of it. I have an IQ of 100000000 and was a super famous model until I came here. Please take care of me." Everyone totally loved the new student because she was kewl. A few years later she became every guy's girlfriend and befriended all the girls and made Alice stones for everyone in her class. All of the people who strived to be like Lucinda failed miserably.
XIII. Have your characters do average, everyday things. In fact, you can make the whole fic based on your life. Or just a paragraph, whatever.
Kitsuneme woke up on the floor with bruises because he frequently falls off the bed. He told his mom he would be up in five minutes but she forced him to get up and take a shower. Then he went downstairs and ate chitlins for breakfast, then sat on the computer for an hour IMing everyone before he met Koko outside to walk to school. They met up with the rest of the gang there and made fun of teachers all day and eventually went home early because it was too hot to be in school. Except a huge food fight broke out in the lunchroom and everyone got suspended for joining in.
After that they went to McDonald's to crown Natsume as Prince Hanikami and kill Ronald McDonald. Then they crashed an Alaskan wedding.
XIV. Insert a cliffhanger. Say it's the only chapter you're making. Either that or tell everyone you're going to update and then never do it.
"OMFG, who are you?" Mikan screamed at the dark figure in front of her, scrambling away in her totally awesome Converses with the cute comic designs on the sides and rainbow laces, her favorite denim skirt with the embroidered flower lifting slightly to reveal her panties, much to the delight of every single lolicon reading this. The figure paused, then stepped out of the shadows to reveal...
TO BE CONTINUED
A/N: Haha, wasn't that awesome? I know it was. Too bad I'm not making another chapter. Lalalala. jk I actually am. LOL. *100 years pass*
XV. End your fic with another long conversation and then kiss ass for reviews.
Hotaru: That was the worst fic ever.
Author-chan: Ne, Hotaru-chama! You're so meanie-mean!
Mikan: I liked your story Author-chan! ^.^
Author-chan: Aweh, thanks Mikan-chama! ;3
Ruka: She's saying that because you made her.
Natsume: And stop saying "chama". It's fucking annoying. (Especially when it's obvious that you have no idea what it means.)
Author-dumbo: GASP! Meanie Natsume-kun-chama just swore at Author-chan! T-T
Ruka: Your story had swearing all in it though... *sweatdrop*
Author-n00b: But no one was swearing at Author-chan in the story! They were swearing at each other.
Hotaru: You're a dimwit. Quit talking in third-person.
Author-dimwit: WHATEVER I'M THE WRITER. I'LL JUST KILL YOU ALL. *kills* Now review you luverly peoples! :3 Pweasy-pwease! I love you all! I'll give cookies to everyone who reviews! And I'll update that fic that I said I would update 100 years ago! And write a bunch of new fics! So pwease reviewww! :3
Natsume: Just because you write something in between asterisks doesn't mean it's true.
Author-totallygotslayed: STFU
That doesn't seem so hard, does it? Now get out there and make the GAFFN fandom proud!
...Made ya look :"D
(Conscience: *crying* Oh my God ;_; That was so horrible my brain is coming out of my ears. Someone save me. Please.)
~Ariisha-chan
