Summary: Richard was declared as 'mudered' right on their wedding day. But after one year jaded thoughts and severe depression FBI reports to Beckett that he was alive. How will Kate react? Based on 7x01 'Driven'.

One year of coping with the loss of a loved one. Richard Castle.

There are times when more than one emotion seems to take hold at once, and you may feel as if you're "going crazy." It's natural to feel this way, as it's normal to experience a number of different feelings.

That's what Beckett was experiencing all year, full of flashbacks of the same scenarios replaying inside of her head. Again and again…

The moment she saw the paramedics picking up his motionless body and placing him inside bus of mourning agency, she stopped talking with people and closed herself completely. She couldn't let another person enter into her life and make her get through emotional trauma again.

Besides no one was Castle. No one could hug or touch her like him, and make everything negative and bad go away. No one could make her smile or laugh even on the worst days like him, or turn a tragedy into a cheering up joke. Everything was reminding her of him.

And that's one of the reasons she moved back into her old apartment on the corner of Varick Street and Franklin Street.

People say while you're are coping with loss, it's important to gather a support group around you for those times when you might need them. Like Family. But she stopped connecting with any people that reminded her of him. It was too painful, like pouring salt into the wound. In her situation more like lava into the cut…

Years ago she thought that solving her mother's case would make her life, so much easier and that she and the love her life will live happy and peacefully together. But it's like the destiny just wants Detective Beckett to be one miserable and pathetic cop buried alive, with no one near her.

And unfortunately that's how it was.

1st May, 2015

Taking turtle steps she slowly came back into her daily life. One of the things that helped Kate to step back on her feet was reading the book 'Its Source, Pain, and Healing', which her therapist recommended. The author taught her how to live her own life again. It wasn't that easy, but by working through overcoming the death of a loved one, she was coming to a place of accepting the death as a reality.

Kate was still pretty closed and didn't corresponded much with people if it wasn't related to work. Only people she could talk to were her colleagues and therapist.

Working was the best excuse for everything and her best distraction. Sometimes she would go for a run in the park, but most of the time she preferred yoga at her own loft.

x-x-x-x

As she was stepping out from the elevator, leading her to the morgue, Kate made sure the folder of evidences in her hands is the right one.

There was one of the closest people in her life that made sure Kate was eating properly and going on her therapy sessions all this time.

Kate and Lanie have been best friends and colleagues forever, especially since she gave Beckett advice about her relationship with Castle or what to wear on her dates. Beckett even asked her to be her maid of honor. But since the accident with Castle they haven't talked much the past year.

Which her friend understood and gave her the space and time she needed.

"Hey." Kate mumbled, making the Medical Examiner turn around, from the table.

A little smile formed on Lanie's lips when she saw her best friend, standing there with folder in her hands.

"Hey, what are you doing down here?" she asked.

"I uhm – just wanted to thank you." Kate muttered dumbly, bouncing from foot to foot.

"For what?"

"I guess for everything." Kate sighed and Lanie raised an eyebrow at her. "I mean – for making sure I am okay, all this time? And for keeping my father posted on whether I am going on therapy or not." She laughed at the end and the M.E only smirked.

"I just know that I wasn't really good at listening and I am sorry."

Kate had a lot of break downs this year and Lanie was the one who picked her up from every nasty bar, getting her back at home, sobering her up. Most of it is blur, but she knew her friend was always there.

"Seems like you could've done that over the phone." Her friend teased lightly, taking off her gloves. "Alright. Talk to me girlfriend, tell me what's on your mind."

Lanie is a very sassy, outspoken person who tends to say what she wants, sometimes with that hint of humorous sarcasm. But when it comes to something serious she is one of the few people Beckett can talk to easily and without reservations.

"I want to be like my old self." Kate spitted out, sitting on one of the chairs.

"Like your old self?" Lanie repeated dumbly.

"Yes. I want to be more socialized, to go out like a normal person and to look at Martha and Alexis or anyone related to Rick, without going into a depressive state. I want to be next them just like they were, when…-"She paused on sigh, feeling the vein on her forehead popping out. "I feel super selfish, you know?"

"Honey, they know you are having a hard time. It's not like you don't care about them."

"But that shouldn't be a reason. They are having a hard time, too and I wasn't next to them. Alexis lost her dad and I, just – I ran off like the most-"

"You were healing." Lanie spoke in calm tone.

Tears gathered into her eyes, wishing she could take a break and go back at home. But that would lead her to more bad thoughts. Work was good distraction, really exhausting distraction.

"I need him, Lanie. I can't do this without him. Every night it's so quiet in my loft without his presence. Whenever I wake up in the middle of night I am extending my arm sideways to check if he is there, but – he isn't."

Hot tears were streaming down on her cheeks, quickly wiping them, while Lanie was trying to keep herself from embracing Kate in a tight hug.

"If I could turn back time I will do everything possible to protect him or even sacrifice myself for him. But I can't. And life without him is meaningless. It's – It's I don't even know if there is a word describing all of this. I can't even go to his grave, I can't look at photos of him…-"

"Kate you-"

"I betrayed him." She shrugged, shaking her head. "If I was dead, he would never do this. He would go on my grave and put some flowers, talk to me. He would tell me about his day, about how Gina is yelling at him to write more chapters."

"Rick would never betray me like I did."

x-x-x-x

17th May, 2015

Therapy offers you a safe, confidential place to talk about your life and anything that may be confusing, painful or uncomfortable. It allows you to talk with someone who is trained to listen attentively and to help you improve things.

This someone was .

"Which thing reminds you the most of him?"

"Everything." She answered in husky voice. Honestly, even when she ate fruits they were reminding her of him. Apples was his safe word.

"But mostly things like the chair in the precinct, or the engagement ring on my hand." Kate lifted up her left hand to show the sparkling diamond at her therapist.

"Does it makes you feel better when you wear it?" His deep voice spoke calmingly.

"It is part of me, just like my mom's ring. But this one is different."

"How, so?"

"When I wear my mother's ring, it's like I keep her with me. Like she is somewhere around me and I don't feel alone. But with Rick's ring, it reminds me of all the bad things and sometimes I want to throw it away, but I can't – because then It would feel like I betrayed him."

Her therapist bobbed his head up and down slowly, forming his sentence. "It's clear that the ring doesn't make you feel any better."

Kate nodded, biting unconsciously on her bottom lip.

"And is dead, you can't betray him. You have to learn to live with that the same way you did with your mother. Otherwise if you keep it that way it may cause you another PTSD triggers and lead to strong and inevitable depression." Her heart shattered at 'dead'.

"It's not that easy." She growled, shaking her head.

"That's why we'll go step by step and reach the point where you'll accept everything that happened that day." He wrote something down in his notebook, pausing and then adverting his eyes up back to her.

"First thing I'll suggest you is to try taking off the ring and putting it somewhere safe, knowing no one will touch it. In that way you'll feel better and you're going to keep him close."

Egh.

Being on therapy was exhausting and soothing at the same time. Sometimes it is necessary to talk about painful feelings or difficult decisions, so you may go through a period of feeling worse than when you started. However, therapy should enable you to feel better in the long-run.

Entering her loft she met with silence.

After putting her coat on the hanger, she threw her keys on the mini coffee table and propped herself down on the soft coach.

Oh, yes. It was pretty quiet as always.

Kate's trouble was not always in being alone; it was being lonely in the presence of others. She felt lonely even in the midst of a crowd. Because Rick wasn't here.

She extended her right hand up to look at the beautiful engagement ring on her finger, thinking about what suggested her. With heavy sigh she stood up making her way towards the bedroom to search a place for the ring, but that's when her cell phone rang.

"Really?" Kate rolled her eyes, tiredly.

Glancing down at the screen she saw the number which was calling her was hidden. Odd. The only people she was communicating with were her father and people from the precinct. And it scared her that it could be someone she didn't want to talk to.

Finally deciding on what to do she swiped her finger to answer, placing the phone at her ear waiting for the person on the other line to speak first.

"Detective Beckett?" Female voice spoke through the speaker.

It could be something related to work.

"This is she." Kate tried to keep her voice steady and sound more confident.

"I am Special Agent Alaska , calling from the FBI to inform you that we were finally ordered to tell you classified information about Richard Castle's disappearance, which was strongly hidden away from people till now."

Hearing these words nearly made Kate drop the phone on the floor, but she brought herself to sit down on the bed feeling the anxiety building up her body. Did she heard correctly the Agent saying 'disappearance' instead of 'murder'?

"Mrs. Beckett are you still there?" the woman on the other end of the line spoke.

Clearing her throat she nodded dumbly even thought, the woman couldn't see her.

"Yes." She breathed into the microphone.

What the hell was going on?

"Considering, It's classified we can't reveal this information to you on the phone, so we must meet in person. Would you like to tell us from where we can pick you up?"

This wasn't happening, right? It must be some kind of a joke or a dream.

She was about to learn who did this to her fiancé and among other things, that were hidden away from her.

Why now?

….To Be Continued….

Please tell me we whether I should continue this story or not.