Laura Craps: Revenge of the Salamander King

There once was a woman named Laura Croftewops. She was a grave robber or something. One fine Malaysian day, she ventured outside and spoke aloud with her rough, gritty, full British accent:

"I do say, my mother's tubes are infected! I shall have to find the golden Olmec head in order to remedy this!"

With a glorious laugh and spin around, she groped a nearby waiter with her large, unseemly hands. Boy, if this were on telly it'd have to be on after the watershed!

Now bored, Luura trod upon the ground towards where the ancient Olmec head was thought to be. The temple she arrived at was large and old, and filled to the brim with spiders and creepy-crawlies. Laro pulled her flamethrower out from her pouch and squirted flaming promethium over them. A Russian baddy suddenly appeared.

"Lora," he said. His voice sounded like it'd been stamped on and had grit shovelled into it for a thousand years whilst being set on fire with the blood of angry Germans. "It is time you stopped. Hahaha!"

Loara got out her pistol and shot him in the foots.

"Ouch!" Shouted the evil Russian nazi. "My foot bone! No!"

Loora smashed her way to the Olmec head, nicked it and gave it to her Mum's tubes.

"That was FUN." she stated, and did some geology.

The government of America planted a flag on top of the head, and ululated strongly. The man in the suit then sidled up to Loura. His voice sounded like it'd been born yesterday then burnt.

"Huurh," he breathed. Loaro knew him to be evil, but she was in no position for decisions...