(Andys Pov)
Ever been in a situation where life couldn't get any better yet all you can do is ive been stuck like this for a few years see im in a world famous band known as black veil brides and it honestly doesn't get any better than this ,on tour with my closest friends Jake,Jinxx,CC and of course Ashley , i couldn't do this without them , if only they saw the pain behind my smile , im in love and theres nothing i can do about it,this person will never feel the same way, and some may ask why not , im a rockstar , who wouldn't jump at a chance to be with me , well its different this time ,im in love with a man , im not gay but ive never felt this way towards someone before , maybe i am gay ,But i Andrew Biersack am in love , a forbidden love
"hey biersack what you writing" Ashley poked my side as i quickly closed my note book , hiding the contents "oh you know , nothing much , song lyrics and stuff" i nervously laughed as i placed the batman book into my pocket "oh come on andy that was no way song lyrics, i going to ask you once more before i force it out of you"
Ashley has an evil glint in his eyes, oh man im so screwed, but i loved moments like this ,its one of the rare occasions when i smile and it isn't fake.
Just for the fun of it i flipped Ashley off and began running when i heard him say "oh thats it" luckily enough my gazelle legs give me an advantage over him , allowing me to run much faster. I couldn't run any more, i had made it of the tour bus down a few roads and stopped in a ally way catching my breath , well at least he wont catch me,i laughed as i turned around not quite making it before im flat on the ground as someone pounced on me "Ashley!" i growled as he started tickling me "admit defeat and i will stop"
Ashley tickeled me even more as i wiggled beneath him trying to escape , Damn, it was no use i couldn't get outta this one , well done biersack you screwed up again
"ok , ok i give up now get the fuck of me dude,im in serious need of a cigarette "
He started laughing again as he got of me and held a hand out to me " yer yer , you should quit you know its a disgusting habit , now about that note book " his brown eyes lit up slightly as he smiled at me , damn what am i meant to say, the truth? , i had written my undying love to a man who will never accept me , i could never do that it would ruin the band if Ashley knew the truth , non of them would accept me
I started coughing as i looked away " well erm , its kinda my diary " Ashley looked at me with those brown eyes again that held curiosity and i couldn't help but sigh
"if you say so Andy , now come on its almost 3am you should be getting some sleep"
What did Ashley mean by that , he said i should be getting some sleep , what about him ? i could tell he hasn't been sleeping much recently , his eyes don't gleam as much and hold much excitement anymore , bags has started to form underneath his eyes , damnit Ashley why wont you let me help , i sighed again as i wondered to my bed
Ashley had sat on the sofa and frowned to himself slightly almost as though he was distracted by his thoughts
"night purdy boy" he looked up at me and smiled slightly before mumbling goodnight
I climbed into my bunk and laid there quietly , i wondered what Ashley was thinking about , tomorrow , tomorrow i will find out
(Ashleys Pov)
I saw alone on the sofa for hours paying no attention to what was on tv , to caught up with my own thoughts to even care , what else was Andy hiding in that book , it has to be more then just a diary , ive never known andy to get so defensive over anything
I walked towards the bunks before knowing what i was doing and pulled back andys curtain , he was sound asleep just like the others , minutes seemed to pass as i watched him silently and then just as i was about to leave i saw his notebook, i couldn't stop myself
I picked it up and read the most recent what Andy was gay , no not gay he was in love with a guy , thats why he hasn't been the same , oh andy if only you knew the truth , knew that we were both in the same boat except i am in love with you. Since last year when i realised my feelings forAndy i slept with many different girls to convince myself i was wrong , but it never worked and each time i ended up in pain so i slept with more and then more , just to ease the pain of not having him in my arms, everytime i saw him with a girl i felt jealous , each time they hurt and used him and who was there to pick up the pieces, me!
Andy was my life , i smiled down at him , still sleeping as a tear fell from my eyes , "if only you knew andy , if only you knew " i kissed his forehead gently and walked away , putting on my leather jacket and boots , i have to clear my head and i cant do that around here , i walked off the tour bus , slamming the door as i left , why , why me , i didn't ask for this , i didn't want to be this thing ive become , i just want him , but that will never happen , i walked up and kicked and punched a wall hard , letting my anger out , screaming as loud as i could .
I slumped against the wall sighing as i looked at my hands , they were covered in blood , ah so much for keeping this a secret , the sun started to rise as i began walking back to the bus , im going to need alot of coffee and energy to make it through today i sighed once more as i climbed onto the bus , jumping out of my skin when i saw andy say on the sofa with tears in him eyes
I saw him look at my hands before reaching my eyes , his perfect blue eyes staring into mine , i saw pain within his as i felt my heart break a little more, "Ashley what did you do " he whispered silently
"i eased my pain "
"your pain , why are you in pain Ashley"
"because ...because i can never truly be happy"and with that i turned around leaving him stood there alone , damnit andy why do you have to be so perfect , i laid in my bunk , turning on my ipod searching for Nevershoutnever , christofer drew always understood by problems , i felt a tear drip down my cheek as i listened to i love you more than you'll ever know , i don't care how soppy people may think it is but i can relate to the lyrics
I started singing along to the song , not caring who heard me anymore
Oh, I've got my car and my guitar Star oh star, you shine so bright
A couple pills
A couple scars
But I made a wish on a lonesome star
Won't you grant me one small wish tonight?
That I won't die
On this destructive path of mine.
I sighed once more , Will andy ever be mine ?
