Enough - A House Fanfic
A/N: A Little Afterthought of "Finding Judas". I absolutely hated the way House was treating everyone especially Cuddy and I think he should have apologized. (Obviously we know he didn't because he's an established jerk but seriously I don't wanna accept the fact that even on TV someone could be that cruel and NOT apologize so this is my little fixer upper for that)
Cuddy rose from the chair she was curled up in and hugged Wilson before he left her office. It felt good to get all those things off her chest, all the things she was keeping held in. House knew she was looking for a sperm donor but he didn't know the first two implants never took. She was so excited when she thought she actually was pregnant too, she went out and bought a pregnancy test, sure it would be positive. House had been teasing her for days about being pregnant, telling her that her boobs looked like they were starting a dairy business, that her ass was rapidly expanding (in a good way) and that she had a ridiculous glow. She told herself not to get excited until she had hard factual proof of a pregnancy, but House's encouragement kept getting to her. Cuddy thought for sure it finally happened.
When she went to her next IVF appointment they asked if she had taken a pregnancy test to which she replied yes, telling them it had been negative. They checked her out and told her by the slight scarring they could tell she had actually been pregnant but she had lost the baby. They told her not to worry, that happens sometimes. Cuddy was surprised to hear this. She thought miscarriages were painful but then she rationalized to herself that with just an embryo at it's very basic stage there would be nothing to feel anyway. Cuddy cried every night for a week after she found that out, mostly because of House's teasings during the day about all her pregnancy "symptoms".
She had even considered asking him to be a sperm donor. She considered asking Wilson too she reminded herself. Wilson was always the better choice. Cuddy tried to tell herself that but she didn't really believe it, not until today anyway. Today was the first time House had ever hit her where it truly hurt. Sure he had insulted her clothes, her hair, her ability to do her job, her ability to control him, all things she was secure in and knew she was doing well. She knew he only said those things to get a reaction out of her, to get his way, or to just create a little drama for his own amusement. Those comments were always followed by a funny face, a less sarcastic but more inappropriate comment about her ass or a little gleam in his eye. Today there was none of that to be found. The only thing registering on his face was complete and utter disgust for her. He told her it was a good thing she hasn't been able to get pregnant because she would be an awful mother.
Cuddy knows she doesn't have what it takes to be a mom, at least not right off the bat. It comes so easy to other people. They understand the garbled language their children speak, they understand the hand motions they make and what they want when they throw hissy fits. They know how to calm them down, stop their tears and protect them. Cuddy doesn't know how to do this, she's never had to know how but she wants to so very badly. Motherhood is the one aspect of her life Cuddy is not sure she would have under control. There was a reason she hadn't told anyone she was thinking of getting a sperm donor. She wasn't even going to tell House until he went snooping around in her trash. She didn't was people questioning her because she would be a single mother. She didn't want the disapproving and pitying looks from people who didn't agree with her decision. She didn't want anyone to know because she was afraid that the IVF wasn't going to work. She was just afraid of letting anyone in to see how much she wanted this and how crushed she would be if it failed.
Cuddy scolded herself as she packed up and headed home. How could she have told House what was going on? Sure he diagnosed her just like one of his patients. He and Wilson even tested her for cancer for heaven sakes (while she was touched they cared enough to do so it was still an invasion of privacy)! She still could have lied, said it was a skin rash or whatever but no… she gave in and told him just like always. She even went as far as to ask for his help with her shots. That was a big mistake right there, giving him a free pass to look at her ass twice a day and touch it. Cuddy felt herself starting to smile at the memory of him disinfecting the injection site then stopped herself. Cuddy didn't want to admit even in her own head that she enjoyed that attention he gave her. Of course he did it because he wanted a peek up her skirt and he wanted to make highly inappropriate comments about what was going on, but he still did it and was gentle and dare she say caring when he "did the deed". Cuddy chuckled as she got on the elevator at her poor choice of words.
By the time she made it home Cuddy was thoroughly exhausted. They saved the little girl's life but House had nearly maimed her by cutting off her left arm and leg because he made a wrong diagnosis. Chase was able to convince House he was wrong and get the surgery stopped. Cuddy couldn't help but feel responsible for everything that happened today. She became the girl's medical proxy only because her parents couldn't agree what was best for her. Even Cuddy wasn't sure what was best for her with House detoxing and acting like a bigger moron than usual. He got a diagnosis wrong, which never happens. Cuddy kept flashing back to the moment in the shower when she felt so self loathing and just wanted to make the little girl feel better. She had caused that fever and felt terrible about it. Then House burst in and went right for the throat. Cuddy had never felt lower than she had in that moment.
Cuddy took a quick shower and changed into sweatpants and a sweatshirt. She didn't want to go to bed but she didn't want to do anything else. She just wanted to cry, so she did. She cried for a good half an hour before she heard a small knock on her door. Thinking it could be Wilson coming to check on her, Cuddy went and opened the door without checking the peep hole. When she swung the door back she was more than a little surprised to see House standing there leaning heavily on his cane, eyes downcast. They stood there for a moment not speaking until House lifted his head. "Hi" he spoke tentatively. "Hi" Cuddy answered back still gripping the door and trying to decide if slamming it in his face was a good idea or not. Unlike a normal person House didn't ask before stepping into her foyer and heading for the living room. Cuddy slammed the door shut fully intending to lay into him for what he said. House cut her off before she could talk by simply saying "I'm an ass".
Cuddy couldn't help but start to laugh. "Yes House that is EXACTLY what you are." He shook his head "No I'm serious I'm a complete and total ass." He took a few steps towards her so that he could almost whisper to her. "I didn't mean what I said. I'm in detox. That girl wasn't getting better and I said some things I shouldn't have." Cuddy had never heard House apologize for anything in his life. She still didn't believe him. "Wilson put you up to this didn't he?" She asked him, sure that the answer was yes. "No." He looked sincere but Cuddy knew better. "You say it yourself House, everybody lies. Including you." He looked her straight in the eye and said "Wilson did not put me up to this."
"Oh so Wilson didn't tell you how the first two IFV treatments didn't work and how I actually lost a baby on the third try? He didn't tell you I honestly don't have any idea how to be a mother because I must have somehow missed the instruction manual? He didn't tell you how completely petrified I am that this is never going to happen and how you only confirmed my suspicions earlier today? He didn't tell you any of that?" Cuddy finally looked up at House to see his reaction, he looked like he had been punched in the gut. He almost looked sorry for what he had done. House took a very deep breath and looked back up at Cuddy. He reached out and put a hand on her shoulder and said "I'm sorry". Those were words Lisa Cuddy thought would never come out of the mouth of Gregory House. Hearing them was enough to make her start crying again.
She hated feeling this weak and vulnerable in front of someone, especially House who will use it against her at a most inopportune time. For right now it didn't seem like he had any intention of doing that. He actually pulled her into him, albeit awkwardly, for a hug. He was warm and smelled faintly of laundry detergent and leather. Cuddy felt bad for getting tears all over his T-shirt but as far as she could tell he didn't care (at least not as much as he normally would). She looked up at him surprised to find he was staring right back at her and leaning down towards her. Before she could even react he was capturing her lips with his own. The kiss was gentle but it felt as though he was holding back. So Cuddy did something she really shouldn't have, she deepened the kiss.
Minutes later they were kicking open Cuddy's bedroom door as she pushed his leather jacket to the floor and he lifted off her sweatshirt to reveal a light blue tank top. As soon as the chill hit Cuddy's arms it was as if her brain woke up from the haze she had been in and she swatted House's hands away from the bottom of her tank top. "What?" he questioned her. "A minute ago you were like all for this." Cuddy started to get angry again. "Did you honestly come here to apologize because you think you could get me to have sex with you because I'm vulnerable right now?" House looked dumbstruck and that was all the more answer she needed. "Get out House, you're completely right, you are an ass." Cuddy grabbed her sweatshirt from his hands and backed up to sit on her bed. She refused to look at him but knew he hadn't left yet. She slowly felt the bed dip as he sat down on it and felt his hand on her knee. "I didn't come here for sex, I came here to apologize. Sex was just going to be a bonus prize because I thought you wanted it, I didn't even bring protection. I figured even if we did do anything tonight you wouldn't mind. You did sort of offer the other day that we could since you were ovulating."
She looked up at him and couldn't help but crack a smile. "It's a bad idea House." She said simply hoping he would understand. "Maybe it is, but it's a bad idea you want right now." She smiled again "No matter how much I want it or don't want it, it's still a bad idea and I'm still mad a you. There was a reason I never asked you to be a sperm donor. It's not something you'd really be interested in. Long term that is. You'd say you didn't want to be involved until the kid is born then you'll want to be involved but won't want to tell anyone so you'll just be all mean and distant with everyone. I'm not sure how that's different than everything right now though…" House just looked at her before cracking a small smile of his own. "What better way to prove to you I was wrong about what I said than to let you be the mother of my child." This got a true laugh out of Cuddy. "Sorry House still no sex tonight". House gave her his best disappointed look. "Dr. Cuddy it's rude to start something you have no intention of finishing." Cuddy laughed again. "No sex but would you be interested in a beer and a movie?" Sighing and rolling his eyes House answered "Why not".
The pair trudged back into Cuddy's living room where House picked a movie (Batman Returns) and Cuddy made herself some tea and got him a beer. They sat on her couch and watched the movie. Cuddy only made it a half hour tops and she started drifting off to sleep. In the sleep induced haze her head slowly started to droop which did not go unnoticed by House. To prevent her from almost falling off the couch and waking up, House slid her body so she was resting up against him and her head was on his shoulder. House finished his beer and the movie and decided Cuddy should probably head to bed and he should leave. He wanted to wake her up and tell her he was leaving but she just looked so content. House decided very much against his better judgement that he wasn't going to wake her up, but he was going to get her to bed.
House ever so slowly lifted her head and replaced his shoulder with a pillow. He stood up hobbling a bit without his cane, testing the weight on his leg. Feeling pretty confident he slowly bent down to pick Cuddy up bridal style and carry her to bed. Picking her up wasn't the problem, House had a lot of upper body strength, walking with her in his arms was the problem. House made it halfway to her bedroom and his leg started to give out. He stopped immediately and leaned back against the wall with Cuddy still in his arms. He had to sit down and he had to do it now. He tried to gracefully drop to the floor but was unsuccessful. He landed on his butt with a loud thump and the noise along with the rattle of the fall woke Cuddy up.
She was panicked from being startled awake and was nervously looking around trying to figure out where she was, but she stopped fidgeting when she looked up and saw him. "House what the hell is going on?" Cuddy asked sitting up, thankfully putting her weight on his left thigh. "Well you fell asleep during the movie and I was trying to take you to your bedroom but my leg gave out halfway there. Your ginormous ass was too much for my leg to handle." Cuddy was puzzled as to why he didn't just wake her up or leave her on the couch so she asked him. "Why didn't you just wake me up or leave me on the couch?" House hesitated a minute, probably trying to come up with a sarcastic quip. "You looked too comfortable to be woken up, and no offense but your couch sucks. If you slept on that all night you'd wake up with a terrible back ache tomorrow morning." Cuddy was smiling at his small gesture. She stood up and reached a hand out to help him up. "That was very nice of you, want a hand getting up?" House scowled at her but in the end took her hand and got to his feet. He was in a serious amount of pain and had no Vicodin, damn rehab and detox.
"I should get going. My boss is a real jerk, likes me at work by 9, what a bitch." He said smiling a little trying to lighten the mood. Cuddy smiled a little too but started shaking her head. "You can't go out driving your motorcycle with your leg like that. What if it cramps up while you're driving or something? I can't let you drive like this. House frowned at her. Than what exactly did she expect him to do? Did they not just establish her couch was not really fit for any human being to sleep on? "Come into the bedroom with me. I'll give you a leg massage and we'll see how it feels after that and see if you're good enough to drive, okay?" The way she looked up at him with those grey eyes he couldn't really argue. If only she knew how to do that at work, he'd probably give in more often.
House tried to hobble into Cuddy's bedroom but silently cursed himself for leaving his cane out in the living room. Cuddy could tell he was having trouble walking but she didn't want to offer him any help, knowing how pissy he gets. He almost fell again but this time Cuddy reached out and grabbed his hand. He was able to steady himself and Cuddy proceeded to put his arm around her shoulders. Then he could use her body for support whether he wanted to or not. They made it to the bedroom and House climbed in on the left side of the bed (after being instructed that the right side was Cuddy's side) and immediately sunk back into the pillows and the fluffy duvet. This bed was literally like laying on a cloud. Everything Cuddy's couch lacked in comfort this bed made up for. Cuddy had went into the bathroom a few minutes ago and returned with a heating pad and what looked like ibuprofen. Cuddy set the small cup of water and the pills on the nightstand and placed the heating pad on House's leg.
"Take the pills, it's just ibuprofen, not the hard drugs you're used to. Leave the heating pad on your leg for a little bit and then I'll try to rub some of the kinks out." She told him before settling back onto her side of the bed. Cuddy switched on the small beside table lamp and picked up a copy of some book she was reading. House flicked his eyes towards the cover and caught the title. Did that say 'Naked Heat'? "You're actually trying to kill me aren't you? With a red hardback book you're trying to kill me." The corners of Cuddy's mouth upturned a little. "House it's a mystery novel. There's nothing naked about it and stop picturing the inappropriate things you're undoubtably picturing right now. "
House leaned back and really did try to suppress the less than PG rated thoughts of Cuddy floating through his mind right now and trying to ignore the shooting pains in his leg. A few minutes later Cuddy walked over to where he was laying and started to massage his leg. It felt GOOD. It made his leg feel almost normal, even better than it had in months, before he even tried to kick the Vicodin habit. Without being plagued by constant severe leg pain House drifted off to sleep on the cloud that was Cuddy's bed. When Cuddy noticed he had finally fallen asleep and was snoring softly she smiled to herself. He finally just looked relaxed, which was Cuddy's goal from the massage. Obviously she wasn't going to wake him up to have him drive home, she just let him sleep. She put the heating pad back on his leg and went back to her side of the bed, crawled under the covers and fell asleep.
A few hours later House woke up. There was a dull ache in his leg but nothing serious, he had felt worse. House didn't know where he was and didn't really feel like opening his eyes. It smelled familiar wherever he was though. Something like berries and…. Coconut? House slowly opened his eyes to see Cuddy lying there, curled into his side, his arm around her waist. House couldn't stop himself from smiling when he saw that. After his initial happy thought House did two things. First he checked to see if they had clothes on… and unfortunately for House, they did. Second his flight response started to kick in. House figured he should get out of there before morning. He didn't want Cuddy waking up to find him in her bed, whether she put him there or not, because that could lead to some major yelling. Plus House was not a sentimental guy. He didn't just cuddle with women for fun, especially without sex. Heck he didn't even cuddle with women after he got sex. But this was Cuddy, she looked so relaxed and happy lying there and she even had a small smile playing on her face.
House tried to pull his arm out from under her and make a quick exit but as soon as he tried to pull his arm out from under her she snuggled in closer and threw her arm around his midsection. So much for making a quick and quiet exit. House laid back against the pillows and thought about how completely "relationship"-y this whole situation seemed. Relationships scare the hell out of House, but every time he looked down at Cuddy and saw the small smile playing on her face it made him happy. Of course she wasn't awake and probably has no idea she's clinging onto him the way she is. Even so House lets his mind wander. He let's himself think what it would be like to do this every night, lie here next to Cuddy and hold her like he is right now. He thinks about what it would be like to not always constantly hide his pain from her, he'd of course still hide it from everyone else, but he could tell her when it was hurting and get another one of those mind blowing massages.
House allows himself to think about what could happen if they dated for real. He'd have to take her out places and buy her presents. He was caught somewhere between wanting that so much and not wanting that because it's a change. House doesn't do well with change. Jumping into a relationship with Cuddy would be a whole mess of change. Deep down, House knew he could never be what she wanted and would never be good enough for her. House knew Lisa Cuddy would be the only woman (aside from Stacy) that he could ever be in a relationship with. She was the only woman who would tolerate him and she was the only woman that mattered enough to him to want to make changes in himself.
House even dared let his mind wander to marriage and children. House never wanted to get married, too much hassle. You would never be free to do anything on your own accord ever again. You would always have someone telling you that your ideas were stupid, unreasonable. Cuddy pretty much told him that every day at the hospital anyway, so it wouldn't be a stretch for her to do it at home too. Kids however were a different story. House swore to himself he'd never be a father. He couldn't turn into what his father was. He knew he would be just as awful. All he would do was corrupt a kid. He didn't know how to love or be kind or caring or nurturing. Cuddy surely did though. When House thought of that he felt a pain of guilt in his chest. How could he tell her she would be an awful mother? Out of all the women House knows if he someday would ever want a kid, he'd want Cuddy to be it's mother. She's strong, smart, funny, and has an amazing ass (which had nothing to do with their children but that thought always accompanies Cuddy's name in his mind). Trying to turn off the thoughts in his brain House started naming symptoms for different diseases in his mind. Slowly he started to drift off to sleep. He knew he should leave, he knew Cuddy wouldn't want to see him in the morning but as far as he was concerned that didn't matter right now. Eventually House fell back asleep while holding Cuddy, he'd deal with the fallout in the morning. Right now all that mattered was that Gregory House and Lisa Cuddy were together, happy and House had been forgiven for what he had done, and for now that was enough.
A/N: Well… that didn't necessarily go where I thought it would when I started. I think I like it though. Reviews? This is an intended oneshot but I might continue if the reviews point in that direction. Thanks for reading!
