You say I am Frozen

Disclaimer: I own nothing. (Not even the word Jangsty that's the property of ZheDoctursMinion115 I am just spreading it around)

Pairing: James/Logan

Rating: M

Warnings: Smut, language, jangsty, drama

A/N: I need to start this story with a warning. The only thing I can promise you is that it will not end with a suicide and that's it. This story basically is angst by the gallons. It will be a lot shorter than "My infuriating shallow jerk" because it sort of has a time schedule. Its future show verse and I will be using the rest of the Btr cast for the first time. Some may be out of character of course but that's expected with my writing and it can get confusing that's also a problem with me. Anyway there will be a couple of O.C here and there. The title is derived from the Within Temptation song "Frozen". If you deem me worthy of your time please review.

P.S: Btrcutie step away from this story! NOW!

Logan was washing the dishes, his hands were filled with soap and the smell relaxed him somewhat, something he needed with the body wreaking roller coaster he called a life. Being a pop star was much easier than being a surgeon, being a teen was much easier than being an adult and being with him was much easier than...He heard his cell phone ring but it was left on the kitchen table and his hands were too wet and the pile of dirty dishes too big. He gave a frustrated growl out and turned his head to the direction of the bedroom.

"Honey! Can you get that for me! I'm busy." She walked in pacing hurriedly, their three year old sleepy son wrapped around her arms. She seemed flustered but not annoyed; she gave him a smile and tried to balance the phone between her ear and her shoulder.

"If it's the hospital tell them I am not doing any more extra shifts this week." Logan turned his attention back to the dishes as he stretched his ears to listen to the conversation.

"Hello who is this? Kendall! Hi Kendall! Baby its Kendall! How are you? Yeah, Logan's here, he's doing some chores, it'll be a moment. Can you... Kendall you sound upset is something wrong?" Logan turned his head to face her, she seemed worried now, their son who was content at sucking his thumb and pulling her hair felt the anxiety and started to fidget violently to break free, Logan closed the running water and took a towel to dry his hands, he gave her a sign to pass the phone over and she did while she rocked the baby boy gently trying to calm him down.

"It's Kendall, something happened..." He took the phone hands shaking feeling his heart beating in anxiety.

"Kendall are you alright? Mama Knight...Katie?" He asked trying to find the reason behind his oldest friend's heavy patted breathing.

"I'm fine, we're all fine Logan, it's not us. Relax..." Logan's mind immediately formed the worst most long shot scenarios, maybe Carlos had a car accident, or Gustavo had a heart attack or something fell on Kelly crushing, her breaking her every bone, it wasn't his fault really he was trapped in the E.R since his internship started and that was two years ago, he had seen too much random cruelty be distributed to good people for no reason at all.

"It's James Logan...Brooke died yesterday..." And it had to be James, and it had to be something world shattering, something to wake Logan's mind and drown him in the memories.

"How...when..." The last thing Kendall intended was to break the news like this, hastily and with a choked tone but he was tired and he had other people to inform, Logan was the most important and the most special of them all in a way, and the hardest one too.

"Yesterday…she slipped coming out of the bath tub...James found her." Logan fell silent, he turned away from his wife and paced body shaking to their bedroom, he knew that would just make her fear elevate but it was that or falling apart in front of her and their son, he gently closed the door, and bit his lip, eyes desperately fighting the tears away.

"How's James..." Kendall knew from the pained whisper that Logan could talk a little more freely now, but that didn't make things easier.

"A mess. He called me at daybreak and he sounded so broken, I've never heard him like this..." Although that was a lie Kendall told out of kindness for Logan, because he had heard James cry frantically with a choked voice, breathing desperately once before, the day it was over, the day Logan left.

"God..." Logan fell on his bed, one hand on his forehead trying to wipe the newly formed sweat away.

"Logan the funeral's the day after tomorrow, back in Minnesota. I know this is hard for you but..."

"No. It'll make things worse for him. You can't ask me to come." Kendall wanted to snap at him but he had to keep his wits if he wanted to succeed.

"Everybody's flying in to give their support. You can't be the only one missing. It'll devastate him."

"He'll be more devastated if I show up Kendall! I haven't talked to him in six fucking years for crying out loud! He hates me, and for good reason too!" He wanted to shout but he couldn't, not with the two people in the other room so he whispered angrily instead.

"Dude I've told you before, he doesn't hate you! He...Come on Logan you know how he feels!" Kendall had a thousand arguments none of them appropriate since they could easily make Logan implode in anger and give his secret away.

"No I don't, and even if you're right then it'll be better if we never see each other again, not to mention in his mother's funeral. He won't be able to handle it and neither will I!" Kendall didn't want to resort to guilt, he had seen the events unfold first hand between them, and he even felt responsible in a way. He hated losing, but he knew when to step down.

"At least let me pass him your condolences or better yet call him or text him even, I'll give you his number." Logan felt his heartbeat slow down to a stop; this was too much of a gamble, communication with James. One wrong word and his entire life could go out in flames, he could lose everything but still the thought of James feeling any sort of relief by Logan's sympathy was sort of worth it too.

"Fine, I'll try calling him later, send me his number. I'm not giving you any promises though."

"Yeah of course, I know its risky Logan. James could flip and say anything to you and if she overhears it or sees a wrong message...But I have faith in him and you both, even now, I know you'll do what's best for you." If Kendall was trying to be supportive and encouraging he was failing miserably at it, but still it was too late for Logan to back down, that part of him that would always belong to James no matter what, had woken from its slumber and it was screaming in rage inside of him wrestling for control.

After the phone call ended Logan didn't leave the room, he waited for Kendall to send him the number, he waited for his body and mind to settle before going back, unfortunately for him she couldn't fight her own worries much longer and she came into the bedroom.

"Is everything alright? What happened?"

"The Knights are fine, Brooke Diamond died yesterday." It took her a few seconds to recognize then name, her worry subsided but some still remained and now there was something else, she looked at Logan with eyes full of sadness, he felt his guilt explode.

"James's mother? The one that had you change your name?" Logan nodded and she sat beside him, she stared at the open door and across the living room where their son was playing with some toy cars, he stared at the floor not wanting to face her, one hand holding his phone with all the strength he had.

"Logan how long has it been since you talked to James?" He gave a sigh out.

"Since the band broke up, right before I left for college..."

"I never got that, I've seen how close you are with Carlos and Kendall, I've seen photos at your parents' with you and James from when you were the happiest kids in the world, every one person you've ever introduced me from your singing days talks about him like he's the gentlest , kindest man on the planet, but not you. I know you're guilty but..." Logan shot up from the bed and looked at her in terror.

"What do you mean guilty?" He mumbled under sthenic breath.

"Come on sweetie, I know you blame yourself that the band broke up...And didn't James take it the hardest from you all? That's why you haven't spoken with each other all these years right?" In a way she was right but the vital pieces were of course missing, the real reason Logan left Los Angeles and never looked back had nothing to do with his dreams of being a doctor and had everything to do that he couldn't bare hurting James anymore.

"Yeah, he's never forgiven me for that..."

"Neither have you. I know you miss him and you regret not having him in your life dear, maybe you can be there for him now, go to the funeral show him you still care." This was too much, his oblivious wife trying to make him face his sinful past, Logan couldn't take it, he started to make excuses in order to escape.

"I can't do that, he won't want me there and it's held in Minnesota the day after tomorrow anyways. I can't just leave my job and you alone with the baby for three days." She shook her head and got up from the bed herself. She had some anger in her eyes now.

"That's a load of crap and you know it. My mom takes care of him while we're at work and will have no problem staying a couple of extra hours to help out. And you have more unused leave days that anyone at the hospital, Dr Stein will give you a year off if you call him even now. You can have Kendall call James and ask him if you can go, or better yet call him yourself." Fate was fickle and cruel Logan thought, this was just too surreal.

"If he was half the friend to you like Carlos or Kendall still are you owe him Logan. You have to at least try." He fought the urge to scream at her, for being naive and stupid, he wanted to tell her right in her face that James wasn't a friend, he was his entire world once and the real reason he didn't want to go was that he was too scared of never coming back to them again.

"I need to think about it." He mumbled and left to go back to the kitchen sink, he didn't see her eyes go wild with something that was neither love nor anger.

Half an hour later he received James's phone number, he was sitting by the table with his laptop checking the flight schedules to his hometown, but the browser was set on small just in case she threw a glance at the screen but she was too busy watching a cartoon before tucking the laughing boy in her arms in bed.

His hands were shaking uncontrollably as he picked the phone up, he shut the laptop down and went as nonchalantly in the bathroom as he could fake he grabbed a towel and his pajamas on the way, he locked the door quietly, he was too much of a coward to call and went to the text menu instead.

"I know I am bothering you at a time like this but I heard about your mom. I am so sorry James." He signed it with his name and pressed send, he opened the shower in full throttle as a decoy trying to decide how much time he could wait without raising suspicions. He felt the buzzing in his hand almost a minute later; he blinked confounded at the light up screen.

"Thank you." He let a breath of relief out; he could easily drop the subject there. He started to undress to take a real shower when another text shook his core.

"Can you come to the funeral? It's the day after tomorrow, back home. I know it's too much to ask but I need you there Logan." He felt his mouth dry and he blinked his eyelids like he was having an epileptic shock, Kendall was one thing, she was another, but James asking for his support was what tore the dam down.

"James are you sure?" That was all his trembling fingers could manage to write.

"I need to see you. You can come with your family if you want, I won't do anything stupid, please Logan. One last time. I won't bother you ever again, I won't even talk to you, just let me see your face." Logan cried, he felt so confused, how could James still care for him after all these years, after all that had been said and done between them. But before Logan could decide another message came.

"Forget about it. I overstepped the line; it's too much to ask. I don't even know why I did it. Sorry Logan. Goodnight." Logan frantically pulled the number out and called, all his sense crumbled, he was more scared that James wouldn't pick up than his dreaded secret being blown to smithereens. With every passing tone that James didn't answer Logan felt his lungs crushing in tighter and then he heard a voice he hadn't heard for an eternity, he was suddenly filled with a wave of confidence, he was certain he wanted do this more than anything else in his entire life.

"Logan…" Pain, broken, lifeless, but still it was James's voice that called his name out, and Logan felt like he was complete once more.

"I'll be there for you I promise."

"Really…"

"Yeah, I'll fly tomorrow, I'll come alone."

"Are you sure? I don't want to cause you…"

"I don't care…You need me, I just don't want to hurt you again."

"You won't…" They both kept the last sentence that sprung in their minds boxed in, they didn't even say goodbye they just hung up. James first and then Logan, he erased every text and hit the shower letting the running cold water mingle with his tears.


As she had said when she tried to persuade him there was no actual problem making preparations, the hospital chief gave him a week's leave, his mother-in-law was more than happy to help out, his parents were out of town for a trip but he had keys to their place, the hardest thing Logan had to do when he left the following morning was to explain to his son why daddy had to be out of the house for a longer time than he usually was.

"I'll be back in three days sport, don't cry." The toddler that had inherited Logan's hair and most of his face looked at his father with angry tears hugging him for dear life.

"Three…" He held two tiny fingers out at him.

"Yeah three, just like how old you are." He lifted another finger and fell on his father's chest and then cried some more, because he hated it when his daddy didn't read him a story by his bedside at night to hunt the nightmares away. Logan's job had scarred the boy already by demanding too much of his time. She made him his suitcase and encouraged him to try and talk to James if the situation allowed it. He said nothing but that he loved her and kissed her in the mouth softly when he left, promising to call her once he touched ground. She spend most of her morning staring at the door he closed behind.

The flight was long but Logan had a life full of tours under his belt, so he managed to get some sleep even if his mind and heart were bursting with emotions, when he got out of the Minnesota central airport he started searching for Kendall's car at the parking lot, he was already home hours before Logan, living a few miles drive away from their hometown. He didn't expect to find the old Btr mobile waiting for him and definitely not Katie of all people sitting impatient behind the driver's wheel. His instincts told him to run for it.

"You're late." First thing she told him when he got in the car and it was evident from her tone that she wasn't talking about the flight. Every time Logan visited Minnesota to see his own family, he went to the Knights' house as well, Katie had to remain civilized for the sake of Logan's ruse, she held her opinion on the subject of the break up for six long years just because her mother and Kendall asked her to, and there was a baby involved Katie was far smarter to shoot her mouth in front of Logan's wife so he held her silence even if it went against her very nature. But now after tricking Kendall to let her pick Logan up she had decided to go for the kill.

"Hi Katie."

"Oh, don't Hi Katie me douche bag!" With that she started the car and with a violent turn took off for the road.

"Katie don't, please! You can chew my head off at Thanksgiving. I promise you, just the two of us someplace far away from witnesses!"

"No, you're free to jump off If you want" She hit the freeway and the speed pedal, going a little higher than the allowed speed limit, and if a cop tried to pull her up she was prepared to have Logan pay for the ticket.

"You're being ridiculous!" Logan was holding on his seat face twisted with panic sweating like a pig.

"No you are. And you are also insensitive, selfish and plain cruel! Who the hell do you think you are Mitchell! You left James all broken and now you come with the intention of doing it all over again."

"First of all slow down I have a kid waiting for me back home! And second of all James asked me to come okay!" She snorted but she did reduce her speed, just because she didn't want to get to her destination before having emerged victorious from the conversation.

"Oh please, James's a sucker when it comes to you! I thought you were the smarter one of the gang though. Well, obviously I was wrong." She shrugged her shoulders in disappointment.

"Well, it was Kendall's idea that I talk to him in the first place." She rolled her eyes with that.

"Don't bring my brother into this. You know he thinks that he failed both you and James somehow because you didn't work it out. He'd give an arm and a leg to get you in the same room."

"Kendall blames himself but you blame me don't you?" He was just as angry with her now as she was with him.

"Damn straight I do! You broke up with him, left the band and got your college rebound girl knocked up, while James had to put his pieces back together. And just when he's finally moving on after six years, his solo career hits its peek he gets awards and platinum records one after another, then his mom dies and you think that you can waltz into his life again."

"No I don't! You are right, this is a terrible awful idea but I can't stay away knowing that he needs me!"

"What's the difference! You did it back then and you are going to do it again the moment the funeral's over!"

"I DON'T KNOW ALLRIGHT! I JUST WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN! I MISS HIM!" She didn't say a word, not about his shouting or the unchecked tears that came out of his welling eyes, running down his cheeks, she just turned at the first exit and found a quiet place to park. She let him wipe the tears away and catch his breath; she untied her seatbelt slouching back at her seat and looked at him her fury tempered.

"Talk to me." And Logan saw the ten year old girl bright beyond her years, more kind than she allowed strangers to know she was, the little sister that travelled with them chasing their dreams of stardom, the young woman she had become couldn't take that away from her no matter how many years passed by.

"Of course I miss him Katie. What did you think, I'm heartless? Its James we're talking about, I grew up with him, he was a brother to me for as far back as I can remember, and when we finally allowed it, he became more, he was the love of my life. He'll always be the love of my life." She had a few choice words to say to him about that but she wanted to hear him out first.

"When I left, I thought I was doing what's best for us. You were too young back then, you only saw me dumping him. Well, you're wrong Katie, this story has two sides, yes I did hurt James immensely but he hurt me too. He suffocated me." She let a sarcastic grunt out and Logan looked at her mad with rage.

"You're telling me you left because James wanted to come out in the open about you two?"

"No! Because that wasn't just it! He wanted the world to know while I hadn't even told my parents yet. He got me an engagement ring while we were barely twenty and two months away from our one year anniversary! I tried to talk some sense to him but he didn't listen! He was going too fast and I couldn't follow! I needed some space and he didn't even leave me room to breathe. So I left before he could swallow me whole." She laughed, hard, and it took Logan a second to realize why but when he did he started laughing with her.

"No pun intended of course…"

"Of course. But Logan, I get it, you had problems but couldn't you have tried to work them out? Did you have to be so final about it?"

"Well, I could blame it on my youth, but that would be a lie. I wanted out because I didn't feel safe anymore, respected, and I had to go as far away as I possibly could before the situation with James became a rerun of the one with Camille. On and off again until we couldn't bear to look each other in the eyes." His tone was low and sad, he was reminiscing on his mistakes and made his own heart heavy with unbearable sin, James wasn't the only victim, everyone had suffered by his string of wrong choices, the first girl he loved, his brotherhood friends, his surrogate mother and his little sister who now stood beside him looking at him quietly making her judgment

"You should have told me all this back then. I could have helped. And don't you dare tell me I was too young or it was none of my business because I'll force feed you the condoms I keep in the glove compartment." She opened it and threw one at him hitting him squarely on the chest.

"Way too much information! And no Katie, I didn't tell anyone back then that was my biggest mistake, I told Kendall most of my problems with James the day I broke up with him. And I told Carlos when he started speaking to me again after I begged him to be my best man. Your mother knew everything though, I still don't know how."

"She was James's confidant back then she swapped places with Camille after we moved from L.A, you got to love the irony. God, I wish I could see your face when their publicists announced they were dating." Katie boomed suddenly making him laugh again.

"On my freaking birthday too! I fell from the couch laughing like a mad man actually. Didn't buy it for a second. They can both be as juvenile as Carlos pretends he is."

"What about the rumor? The one with Camille and Jett going at it at that club?" Logan's laughter immediately died out.

"Now that was just creepy…"

"Well, you can ask her if you have the guts. She'll be in town tonight; she's coming with Gustavo and Kelly." She started the car up and took immense satisfaction on his pale horrid face.

"Drive me back to the airport. I changed my mind; I can't handle both James and Camille at the same time." She smiled evilly and shook her head.

"Oh, I'm sorry, no backing down now. And if you run I'm e-mailing her your home address. Or better yet I'll get her and James in a plane and have them drop kick your door down. Hell! I'll even invite old man Bitters and eat snacks with him while we watch the show for old time's sake."

"You'll never change will you?" He stroked her hair the same way he did with his son, she looked at him sighing.

"Somebody has to remain the same since all four of you dorks decided to grow up without my permission." They kept the conversation light the rest of the way, talking about her first year of college and Logan's medical practice, Logan felt calm until they reached the Knight residence, and then he saw an expensive car parked in the drive in, the plates had the word Diamond written boldly on them. Logan tried to remember his knowledge and the percentage of people that died of stroke at the age of twenty six.