DISCLAIMER: I do not own Merlin or any of the characters appearing in my story.
Lost and Found
1. The Aftermath
Merlin had been sitting motionless against an old gnarly tree at the banks of the Lake of Avalon for hours. He was staring intently at it as if he was counting every ripple of water the slight breeze concocted on its surface. He felt totally numb. He had not thought that the feeling of utter despair and hopelessness he had felt in the Crystal Cave a few days earlier when he had lost his magic could have been superseded by anything.
'With all your magic – you cannot save me'. The words hollowed in his head all over again. Arthur had not realized that there might have been a way – if only he had been able to get him to Avalon earlier. A short flash of anger and frustration went through Merlin. What was the point of having all that magic if you could not save the very person you were destined to protect? Why had he been chosen to suffer the knowledge of a prophecy if there was nothing, nothing at all, that could be done to avert it?
Merlin closed his eyes reliving the previous day with all its pain for the hundredth time. 'I know now all that you have done for me and Camelot'. How much Merlin would have liked to tell Arthur of the many times when he had helped him and even saved him by using magic.
Indeed, there had been a time here at the Lake of Avalon, when Sophie, a daughter of the Sidhe, had almost succeeded in drowning Arthur and he had managed to save the prince just in the last minute by dragging him ashore. Merlin's lips almost twitched into a smile when he remembered Arthur's indignant astonishment when he, covering up for his use of magic, told him that he knocked him out in the woods. How long ago that seemed now! How different his life had been then! Looking back, it seemed so much easier in these early days to make sure that Arthur was all right.
Those were the days before he was told about the prophecy, before the fear of the inevitable started eating at him, before he realized that whatever he might have done in good faith to change the future would only lead to the unthinkable. A slight groan escaped Merlin's mouth. His emotional pain virtually paralyzed his body. 'Thank you' Arthur had thanked him. A lonely tear – all he could muster after releasing all his anguish throughout the dark hours of the previous night - started rolling down Merlin's face. 'Arthur, I wish you could have thanked me for saving your life', he muttered quietly to himself.
Merlin woke up realizing that he must have finally slept a few hours. Heavy clouds cluttered the sky and turned the waters of the lake into dark shades of grey. Arthur, Freya, Balinor, Lancelot, Will….Merlin's heart was filled with so much pain thinking of all those he had loved so much and he had lost – Gaius was right – this was too much for one man to bear. How could he go on living? What purpose had he now that the endgame had been played and he had lost everything?
2. Another day
Rain drops softly falling on his cheeks and eyelashes woke Merlin again a few hours later. It was the early hours of the morning and everything around him was serene and peaceful. All he could hear was the rain drops hitting the leaves of the tree above him and a slight wind rustling through the bushes. The water of the lake gently lapped against the stony shore.
Merlin wiped his face and slowly got up. He suddenly realized that his clothes were drenched and that he felt frozen to the bone. Within minutes he had made a fire and warmed his hands on it.
Overwhelming loneliness engulfed him. Campfires… they always had such heartfelt conversations round campfires. With a sharp stab to his heart he remembered the worst eight words he had ever had to say to Arthur: 'There can be no place for magic in Camelot!' He had been so wrong denying himself then. Would Arthur have been saved if he had told him the truth at that moment?
He felt the presence of another being before he saw or heard it. 'Show yourself', he demanded in a commanding voice. A slight movement behind him made him turn round …..'Gwaine!...But….' Merlin's eyes widened slowly when he realized that this was Gwaine, but then it was not.
Gwaine's ghost smiled sadly at Merlin: 'Morgana', he explained.
'So you gave everything for nobility in the end, my friend', Merlin whispered, his heart bleeding even more.
'It is my fault Morgana found out where you were heading'. Gwaine could hardly find the will to say the words.
'Is this why you had to find me?' Merlin enquired.
'I had to see…..'
'Morgana can do no more harm, Gwaine', Merlin said quietly. 'You have not disgraced yourself, nor betrayed your king.'
'Arthur?' Gwaine winced with pain, expecting Merlin's answer.
'Destiny was stronger than anything I could do', Merlin stated it flatly, Anything else would have been too painful.
Gwaine's eyes searched Merlin's face. He noticed the dark circles around his red eyes and saw the grief stricken look that plagued them. 'I am sure, that nobody could have done more for Arthur than you, Merlin'.
'You do not really know me and what I should have done, Gwaine….'
'You are a sorcerer, Merlin, if that is what you mean.'
Merlin looked up in astonishment. 'You knew?'
'Remember, when we saved Gaius from the caves a few years ago? That guard that attacked me was just about to deal me a fatal blow. But he suddenly slipped and fell on his sword. Odd, I thought then. Unnatural, how that happened….
'You never mentioned it…'
'I was not sure enough, but then you insisted on going to that cave a few days ago, not telling what it was you were looking for…it is not like you, Merlin. I knew it must have been something important, too important to give away…. and when I saw you on that hill at the battle, everything became clear in a flash…'
'You recognized me?'
'By putting two and two together, yes', ….Gwaine paused for a moment 'You are ….very powerful, Merlin:'
'And yet, all my magic could not save HIM' Merlin felt a flood of guilt washing over him, now that he had spoken the words he had dreaded to hear aloud. Guilt and despair.
Gwaine slowly looked at Merlin. 'You have been at Arthur's side all these years, Merlin. You have been the most loyal of all of us. We all could see that. If you were not able to help Arthur, then there was nothing that could be done. I know that, by my honour as a knight.'
'Merlin swallowed hard, a tiny sigh escaped him, before a barely audible 'Thank you, Gwaine' left his lips.
'No, thank you, Merlin. You have always been a good friend.'
'And you'
'I have to go now. ….to wherever this will lead me…' Gwaine gave a brave cheeky smile.
'Well, there might be a tavern somewhere on the way'. Merlin tried to joke, but felt more tears welling up in his eyes.
'Camelot still needs you, Merlin' Gwaine made sure Merlin took the meaning of his last words in, before he turned towards the lake and slowly vanished into the air
3. Acceptance
Merlin had hardly recovered from his meeting with Gwaine when he heard branches broken on the floor in the woodland behind him giving away someone approaching.
'Merlin, it is you ….. I hoped the fire would be yours!' Percival stepped out of the wood and embraced Merlin in relief. 'I have been looking for you all over.'
The short pleasure of seeing his friend again soon gave way to sorrow when Merlin sat down and told Percival what had happened.
'So he is out there now'. Percival's look gazed over the waters of Avalon.
'Yes' said Merlin, swallowing, but not being able to share what Kilgarrah had told him.
'Merlin!' Percival startled Merlin out of his thoughts. 'We must get back to Camelot. The Queen needs to know.'
'I do not think, I am ready yet' Merlin answered slowly. 'You go ahead. I will return soon, but there are things I need to do.'
Percival look at his friends inquiringly, but was wise enough not to ask any further questions. 'We will see you, then?' It was more a question than a statement.
'I will be there, …. I think'. Merlin was lost in thought again and hardly noticed Percival leaving to bring the devastating news to Guinevere.
Kilgarrah had tried to give him hope by imparting his knowledge about the future. His father had told him never to lose himself, never to give up. At the thought of Balinor Merlin suddenly felt warmth wrapping round his heart like a woollen blanket.
His guidance in the Crystal Cave had made him believe again. 'Your journey has just begun.' Remembering Balinor's words felt like balm on his wounds.
'Trust in what you are. Trust in what will be!' He would never forget the serenity and honesty of that moment. Merlin whispered: 'But it is so hard to believe in something that has not come to pass, father. Arthur is gone…..'
'There are no good byes, Emrys'. Merlin could hear his father's words clearly again, uplifting him as they had done before.
'But Arthur?' Merlin's desperation took hold for a short instance. But then Kilgarrah's voice joined Balinor's: 'Young warlock, Arthur is not just a king. He is the Once and Future King. Take heart, for when Albion's need is greatest, Arthur will rise again.'
Kilgarrah's and Balinor's words felt strong and true and hope starting filling Merlin's heart
Suddenly Merlin could sense that his years with Arthur had been only the beginning of what was to be his destiny. The beginning of something even bigger, something that he could not comprehend yet.
'You are more than the son of your father. You are a son of the earth, the sea, the sky. Magic is the fabric of this world and you are born of this magic. You are magic itself.' Balinor's words reverberated in his mind all over again.
Arthur would be there, when the time came. It was written in the prophecy and prophecies did come true….
But until then, there was a destiny waiting for him to fulfil. A destiny, that would touch many people of his time and the times ahead. People who were waiting and hoping for his help, his wisdom and yes, his magic.
'You wield a power you cannot yet conceive' Merlin held onto that thought for a moment – ' And I promise, father, that I will use this power for the good of all:'
'As for now I have to get back to Camelot. Gwen needs me and Gaius will be worried...'
