I lean on him, burying my face into his shoulder, taking in his warm scent. My best friend sits next to me, smiling manically. She knows. I adjust my position on the grass, taking his hand into mine; smiling at him. He smiles back. His friends sit around us, talking loudly and kicking the football over our heads, but it's like we're in our own world. The football game goes on in front of us, his team versus mine. We tease and joke about which team is better, smiling like weirdos. I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't a dream; it's real. He leaves me for a little while; only for a few minutes, but it feels like forever. I'm okay with that though, because when he comes back, he holds me in his arms and doesn't let go. It's the best day of my life.
But that was yesterday. Now I sit alone with nothing to do, nobody to talk to. I try calling my friends, but none of them are home. I eye my guitar in the corner, but I don't feel like playing it right now. I don't feel like doing anything, really. All I want to do is go back in time, be with him, there on the grass. I want to go to that moment, freeze it, and live in it forever. But I can't. I know I'll see him tomorrow, but will it be the same? That magical moment is gone; all that's left is vivid memories that drive me crazy. I overthink every word, every sentence, his voice playing over and over inside my head like a broken record. I tried to sleep last night, but it eluded me, leaving me in a haze of dreams and memories, tossing and turning in the darkness. I feel like laughing and crying at the same time; I'm so confused. I need to talk to him again; I need to be with him.
I sit at my desk, typing to nobody in particular, but certain people at the same time. I want them to know how I felt, to know what it was like, but I could never put that feeling into words. He's driving me crazy, but I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I wear the same hoodie I wore yesterday, because it smells like him. Every time I close my eyes I remember lying with my head on his shoulder, feeling him laugh at his younger brother. Time is passing so slowly today, and I know I won't be able to sleep tonight. I don't know what to do. I don't want to eat. I don't want to drink. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to tell any of my other friends about it, but at the same time I want to scream it to the world.
The only thing that's keeping me sane right now is the memory of his warm embrace; the way he didn't want to let me go. I question whether that was real or not, whether he really feels that way about me. But when I think of it logically, he must. He made the first move, he's the one who held me tightly when I had to go, he's the one that made me late. Unfortunately, love isn't logical.
