Morgain: Ok, so this is a story I've been writing on for ages and I never seemed to be able to finish it. (worried look)
Lance: And I can tell you, if Morain is like that it drives you crazy, I should know. (looks tired)
Morgain: Hey, no fair... Oh, whatever. Anyway, this is a HP fic, and well, it's kind of strange...
Jon: Just face it, your stories just aren't normal...
Morgain: You've got a point there.

Disclaimer: Morgain doesn't, nor will she ever, own Harry Potter or anything else JK Rowling thought up. Rowena isn't a origianal HP character and made up by Morgain. She is pure fiction, any resemblance with an existing person is coincidence.

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During the time Sirius's in Azkaban, Remus has only one person to turn to: Rowena, who has been his and Sirius's closest friend, since their last year at school. She always knows what to do, or does she? Sometimes, even she doesn't know the answers to all Remus' questions. Yet she always tries to help whenever she can. After writing a lot of letters, Remus finally decides to tell her some of his deepest and darkest secrets.

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Dear Rowena,

Perhaps I should have written this story down years and years ago. I really don't know about that but I do know that, right now, it is the only thing I can do, to cope with the recent advances. As I'm sitting here, at the kitchen table, trying to write down my memories to give you a better view inside my mind, tears keep running down my cheeks, dropping onto the page and leaving wet spots. I do not bother them. After all that has happened, I think I have a good right to cry.

The first memory that bursts into my mind is the memory of that small time when Sirius en I lived like we were strangers for each other. I won't forget that terrible time ever again in my whole life. Knowing the person you love is near to you, but acts as if you aren't there is something no one should ever life to see. I know that you'll understand.

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"Remus." Sirius' voice was coming from far away. "Hey, wake up man. The sun's almost up." Slowly Remus opened his eyes, feeling his muscles scream with every movement he tried to make. Sirius was looking down at him on the cold floor of the shrieking shack. Slowly views of the previous night came back into Remus' mind. There had been a strange smell, the smell of a human, and the wolf had tried to attack it. The pictures in his mind were out of focus and Remus wasn't sure about what had happened but he was quite sure about who the human had been. Snape's look of horror was the clearest picture of the whole night. "What happened?" Remus finally managed to say. "Snape was here, how did he found out were to go?" Suddenly tears felt Sirius's eyes. "I'm sorry Remus!" He turned round and ran away, leaving Remus with his confused thoughts. What did Sirius mean by that? Did this mean Sirius had told Snape how to get into the shack? As his thoughts were getting more and more confused, slowly his eyelids got heavy again, and as he was trying to unwind his thoughts he fell asleep.

When he opened his eyes again he was in the hospital wing. Clearly madam Pomfrey had cured his bruises because they didn't hurt any more. But she couldn't cure the pain in his heart. It seemed as if someone had stepped a knife into his chest and was turning it around. What had happened? Why had Sirius, of all people in the world, Sirius, betrayed his trust? He could have bared it from almost everyone, even from Peter or James, but Sirius was the person most dear to him.

It came to Remus in a rush, he had to talk to Sirius, he had to find out why Sirius had done this to him. Remus still didn't understand why the wolf hadn't attacked Snape but, right now, he was more concerned about the fact Sirius had betrayed him. He jumped out of bed and ran to the door. Madam Pomfrey came hurrying out of her office and tried to stop him. But he kept running. He stopped in front of the fat lady's portrait. He was completely out of breath. He knew he shouldn't have run away, even now he could feel the weakness that always came to him after the full moon. He snapped the password, as the fat lady started to ask him question, like why he had been running, and entered the common room. There was nobody there, all the other students were off to their classes. He went up to the dormitory and tried to find his books for his next class, transfiguration, perhaps he would be able to talk to Sirius there. At least I'll see him.

Mc Gonnagal was surprised to see him. She raised her eyebrows but didn't say anything. Remus thanked her for that, because his fellow students were very curious about where he'd been the previous hour, especially the Slytherings. Remus walked over to his table and sat down. His thoughts were running wild. Maybe Sirius hadn't done anything. Maybe he, Remus, had dreamt Sirius had been in the shack this morning. Sirius would walk in any moment now, sit next to him and tell him Snape had all himself figured out how to get into the shack.

Sirius appeared in the doorway. He was looking pale and his eyes were going quickly around the room. Their eyes made contact. Please Sirius, tell me everything is all right. But Sirius didn't. He turned on his heels and walked out of the classroom. Remus felt the knife turn over, again and again. He wanted to scream, but instead he took out his quill and wrote a little note to James, who had taken his seat next to Remus. 'What happened last night? I need to know!'

"I don't know Remus, really, I don't." James sighed. "I wish I could tell you what happened last night and I can tell you some things, but I don't know why Sirius told Snape." To hear James say it, again, was painful, even though it was clear by now that Sirius indeed had told Snape how to get to the shack. James went on talking. Clearly he didn't know how much pain it caused Remus to hear what the person he loved and trusted had done. "I never have seen Sirius in such a state, not even when that letter from his parents arrived last year, remember?"

Remus did remember. Sirius had been very angry about that letter and had refused to tell them what it was about. So Remus nodded. Sure he remembered. "He was just as angry," James continued, "but he was almost in tears now as well. He told us, he had told Snape to go to the shack and then he ran out of the room. I haven't seen him, ever since. I went looking for Snape, but he had already found you, so I had to pull him away."

So that was why the wolf hadn't attacked Snape, but what if James had failed to get him away from there. It would have been a double murder. He didn't want to think about it. But the thought came up in his mind again and again. "And Sirius?" He asked James, who shook his head. "I told you. I haven't seen him since. I didn't have the same class the firs hour, so I don't know if he attended there. You know about the rest of the day yourself." James finished. "I suppose so." Remus replied.

He looked round the common room as if he hoped to see Sirius. But he knew Sirius wasn't there. Sirius hadn't been in any of the lessons that day and hadn't been in the great hall during lunch or dinner. In fact, nobody had seen him. He wasn't in the hospital wing and James and Peter had helped Remus checking the hidden pass ways. They had checked most of the empty classrooms. By the time it was getting late, Remus just had to accept that Sirius didn't want to be found. He felt like crying, only one day without Sirius had past and already, he felt like dieing. He muttered something about getting sleepy and made his way across the room, toward the stairs. He tried to hide his face, 'cause the tears were streaming down his cheeks by now.

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Suddenly, he was back in the shack. Someone was looking down on him, but it wasn't Sirius this time. In fact, he didn't know who it was at all. For the person was wearing a black cloke and hood. Slowly very slowly, the person took a knife out of its pocket. Remus was staring at it, he couldn't move an inch. "Die, creature of the dark." The person hadn't spoken very loud, but the words were ringing in Remus' ears. "Go back to the dark place you come from." Slowly the person moved the knife closer. "Stop. Please!" His voice was shaking. A sharp laugh without any warmth left the persons lips. "You want to die. I can see it in your eyes. You're betrayed by the one you love. He hates you and you can't live without him. You want to die!" "No!" Remus wanted to move away, but his body wouldn't obey him. The knife was inches away from Remus' neck. He felt something push against his side and he screamed.

The scream was so loud, it woke him. Next to him, a huge black dog was pushing its head against him. Sirius, the dog, had tried to wake him, when he heard his confused pleads, knowing Remus had one of those nightmares he always had after the full moon. Remus almost started to cry again. He was right, Sirius didn't hate him, even now he was trying to pick him up when he was down. He wanted to thank Sirius, but the dog turned, jumped back on his own bed and closed the curtains, leaving Remus even lonelier than before.

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The next morning Sirius began to attend classes again. He sat down beside Peter, at the other end of the classroom end didn't look at Remus the for whole day. Remus was sitting between James and Lily, who tried to keep him doing the thinks he usually did in class, but they failed to succeed. Remus kept looking at Sirius, and if he didn't look at him he remembered his dream, last night. Lunch came and went without Sirius sitting next to him and making jokes and slowly Remus got the feeling he was sinking into a swamp. The afternoon lessons where even worse than the morning ones, since Sirius started to flirt with any girl who was sitting close to him. James and Lily tried to keep Remus occupied so he wouldn't see, but he knew perfectly well what was going on at the opposite of the room. By the time dinner arrived Remus was as down as he had never been all of his life.

When Remus returned to the common room he came past an empty corridor. He heart a soft sound coming out of it and looked around the corner. In the middle of the corridor Sirius was locked into a tight embrace with Rowena a bright Ravenclaw girl. Before his angriness got the better of him, Remus remembered that she was about the only girl in Ravenclaw Sirius hadn't gone out with. That thought made him even angrier. He stepped out of the shadows and into the corridor. Rowena saw him first en slowly let go of Sirius and turned him around. Sirius looked at Remus and ran passed him, as quick as he could, trying not to touch him. He was just one second out of sight when Remus started screaming at Rowena. She didn't do anything until Remus started to accuse her and Sirius of being kissing to hurt his, Remus', feelings.

When Remus came at that point Rowena actually exploded and Remus shut up in shock. "REMUS, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK SIRIUS WOULD DO THAT?! IF YOU HAD PAID ANY ATTENTION AT ALL, YOU WOULD HAVE SEEN HE WAS CRYING, IN THE FIRST PLACE!" At this point she took a deep breath and continued at a more normal tone. "Now, Sirius has been talking to me about you for some time now. He tried to go out with me one day and we ended up in the three broomsticks talking about his feelings for you and decided that he and I where far from a perfect couple. He explained me that he loved you and he told me some very interesting things, maybe we should sit and talk about it. Remus nodded and followed her through the portrait whole.

Remus and Rowena sat down near the fire and Rowena stared to tell him what Sirius had told her. Slowly Remus understood what she meant when she said Sirius was dating all those other people because he didn't know what to do. She easily waved away Remus' complains by asking him what he would have done. He replied that she shouldn't ask him that question because he was very different from Sirius. She laughed and said. "Well then, now you've admitted that Sirius would have done exactly what he did." In shock, Remus realised that she was right. Sirius was dating all those girls because he had tried to deny that he loved Remus. Remus had other ways of denying he loved Sirius (like reading) but he had tried to deny it for some time too. Fact was that Sirius had always been true to him after they had become a couple, the idea of Sirius kissing Rowena seemed absurd now. She smiled when she saw he came to that conclusion. She rose from her chair, patted Remus' head and simply walked out of the room, heading for her dormitory. At the door she turned around. "Go talk to him, Remus." She said, before leaving.

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Remus looked down at the scroll of parchment before him and realised that it was full. This story was clearly going to take time. Part of him was glad that finally this story came out. The other part of him was scared of what would happen when he stopped writing. The parchment was tearstained. All of a sudden he remembered something Sirius had said when Remus had asked him if he was crying in second year. The boy had blinked his eyes and said. 'Boys don't cry, Remus.' But his eyes had been swimming and there had been tracks of tears on his face. As he remembered tears came running out of Remus' eyes and he was unable to stop them, he turned back to his writing and noticed that, slowly, he got calm again.

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"Sirius, Sirius!" Remus ran up at the boy who was walking in front of him and grabbed his arm. Sirius didn't try to break free, nor did he acknowledge Remus' presence. "We need to talk Sirius, this can't go on." Sirius nodded, and suddenly grabbed Remus' hand. Then he started running, running as if he had to reach the end of the world within an hour.

Finally they stood opposite each other at the side of the lake. "Why?" It was all Remus could ask. Sirius' eyes were filled with tears, and this time, he didn't seem to bother. "I don't know Remus, I have no excuse, I just got angry I suppose, I…" Remus pushed his finger against Sirius' lips. "No, not that… Why did you avoid me? That's all I want to know, I missed you, and it hurt, even more than what you did." "You must hate me. I ruined to many things. I thought it would be better to leave you alone." Remus shook his head. "I thought I'd hate you, in the beginning. But then, I realised, that whatever you'd do. Even if you left me, killed me, whatever, I'd always love you. Once I realised that, I knew I could forgive you for this."

Sirius was crying by now and Remus just had to hug him. Sirius hid his face in Remus' neck and whispered. "I'm so sorry Rem, I really am." "I know." "Just don't let go, hold me, don't let me go." "Never, I promise."

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The pain's back now, only it's here to stay. I can forgive him, even for this, but I'll never see him again. What am I to do? I bet you can't get us out of this one. I'll have to learn and live with this emptiness, but I feel like I can't. I'm going to stop writing, or you won't be able to read this, because the ink's getting messy because of my tears.

With love,

Remus

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Remus stared at the finished letter. Back then, things had been simple, but that time was long ago. Rowena would understand, she always understood everything, but this was something even she could not solve. The emptiness would stay with him, for always.

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Morgain: Well, it doesn't feel like finished for me, so I'm going to write a 2nd chapter, it should be up a.s.a.p.
Jon: Reviews are appreciated, they will keep Morgain happy...
Lance: See you, (waves)