The Mysteries of Life with Feimao, Vjl and the Pevensies

Disclaimer: We owneth not anything here except the rubbish. The rest belongs to CS Lewis, the lucky bugger.

Authors' Note: Rated M for sexual innuendo and very very very mild neo-paedophilia. (I mean, it's just border-line, and there isn't all that emphasis on sexuality anyway! That makes it pretty much incongruous with the standard dictionary definition! I do not, repeat, DO NOT, want to get into a 12-year-old boy's pants, even if he IS Edmund Pevensie ok?- Feimao) Beware of "character quirks" aka OOCness. (At least there aren't any Mary/Marty-Sues. That's a plus anytime in my book... -Feimao) Authors will not be held liable for any loss of sanity, deaths resulting from choking on own spit, any form of emotional or psychological trauma etc. Reader discretion advised. View at your own risk.

Chapter 1: In Which We Discover What Comes Of Jumping Into Manholes

Vjl: Ooh, look. A manhole.

Feimao: Let's look for fur coats in it.

Vjl: Yeah, we're so cheap. XD

Feimao: Why're we cheap? What's so cheap about looking for fur coats down a manhole?

Vjl: I mean, who's so desperate to save money on fur coats that they'd look for some down a manhole?

Feimao: If you skin enough rats, I bet they'll make a pretty decent fur coat. Surface area-wise.

Vjl: I suppose we can trick some rich taitai into thinking it's mink. (note: a taitai is another term for what we politely refer to as a female "socialite".)

Feimao: Send it for dry-cleaning.

Vjl: And then dye it and fluff it up a bit. Yeah, I think we can pull it off.

Feimao: Ok, let's do something stupid.

Vjl: Yo, wanna try throwing down a torch in like Ed and Ling did in FMA? I've always wanted to do that.

Feimao: Throw a TORCH down a SEWER... Sure, that's stupid enough.

Vjl: (grabs flaming torch from nearby angry mob and throws it down the manhole)

Feimao: (peers down) Now that's hot.

Vjl: ... There's. No. Echo.

Feimao: I see a tunnel. There's something white at the end.

Vjl: OMG, this is so cool.

Feimao: Can we do something even more stupid and jump in? Just for kicks.

Vjl: Yeah, ok, let's jump in.

Feimao: ONWARD HO! (dives in)

Vjl: (hops in)

(falling falling falling... )

Vjl:... Wow, some fall. I'm still in midair.

Feimao: I say, are we falling DOWN or UP? We've been at it so long, I can't tell.

Vjl: Try looking which way your hair's blowing.

(WHUMP! Both land in a pile of snow.)

Feimao: Damn. Too late.

Vjl: Ow.

Feimao: What "ow"? Landing was so soft... Oh, sorry. (gets off vjl)

Vjl: That's better. (rubs ribs) I think I cracked something.

Feimao: (picks up remains of torch) Aww, it got extinguished.

Vjl: Did you gain weight?

Feimao: No, you just have brittle ribs. We don't have the light! Oh nooo!

Vjl: Too bad. It's quite bright anyway... Hey, it's bright. Weird.

Feimao: Hey, it's a lamppost.

Vjl: Hey, it's an antique lamppost.

Feimao: Let's nick it and sell it on ebay.

Vjl: D'you reckon it runs on electricity?

Feimao: Nah, it's got little flames in it.

Vjl: Oh, let's smash it.

Feimao: Eh, there're people there. If you're going to smash it, smash it quick!

Vjl: Well, it'll be nice if we can get our hands on some fur coats.

Feimao: Maybe those people have fur coats.

Vjl: Oh really?

Feimao: (shouts to people) HELLO? WE COME IN PEACE?

Vjl: (does alien hand-sign thing) TAKE US TO YOUR LEADERRR.

(the Pevensies jump in shock and look around.)

Feimao: I've always wanted to say that.

Vjl: Haha, those people have crowns on them.

Feimao: ... Can we nick those and sell them on ebay too?

Lucy: Peter? What are they?

Vjl: Ooo, they talk. Wonder if we can take pictures with them. Hello, o royal strangelings!

Peter: I say, Lu, I think they're humans too!

Feimao: WHAT HUMANS LAH! I'M ALIEN. ALIEN, GOT IT?

Edmund: Extremely LOUD humans.

Vjl: Aw, look, this one's so cute.

Feimao: (freezes)

Vjl: Quick, pat him on the head!

Peter: Very... strange... humans...

Susan: Omg, they're coming closer. What should we do, Ed?

Edmund: Nah, I think they're harmless.

Feimao: (to susan) Back off, lady. This one's mine. (hurls snowball at her)

Vjl: Lol.

Susan: OW! (gets knocked out)

Lucy: SUSAN!

Edmund:... Alright, so maybe they're a bit shy...

Peter: A bit? A BIT?

Vjl: Do not be distressed! I am a qualified first-aider!

Feimao: (tackles Edmund)

Vjl: Quick! Hand me a pair of forceps!

Feimao: WAHOO!

Edmund: OW! ASSAULT! I'm being attacked by a paedophile!

Vjl: Deal with it.

Peter: (whimpers and hides behind a tree)

Edmund: Deal with it? DEAL WITH IT? HOW THE BLOODY HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH IT WHEN IT'S CLINGING TO MY MIDRIFF? I can't even MOVE!

Feimao: I am NOT paedo dammit!

Vjl: Then what are you doing with him?

Feimao:... I'm hugging him? (innocence)

Edmund: Hello? I'm a kid. You're an adolescent. Is that paedo or what?

Vjl: Anyway, SUSAN! I AM HERE TO SAVE THEE! Or thou, whatever.

Edmund: Who cares about Susan? Save ME! (struggles to get away)

Feimao: (to Edmund) Aww, so adorable!

Vjl: (pokes susan in the eye)

Susan: OW!

Feimao:... IT'S ALIIIVE!

Vjl: (to susan) Be quiet, I'm trying to revive you.

Susan: This is not revivi-

Vjl: (slaps susan)

Susan: OW! WHAT'RE YOU DOING?

Vjl: (slaps again)

Susan: (conveniently passes out)

Peter:... Is it safe to come out yet?

Vjl: Good. Now, dear Peter.

Peter:... Mother...

Feimao: TURKISH DELIGHT! JELLIED CONFECTIONERY OF THE WORLD, UNITE! XD

Edmund: Wait a minute, you have Turkish Delight?

Feimao: If it makes you happy, yeah.

Edmund:... Ok, you are a nice person. You are not paedo.

Feimao: Aww, thank you. You're so sweet.

Edmund: Therefore in return, I justly deserve some Turkish Delight.

Feimao: I left it at home though.

Edmund:... GET OFF ME, PAEDO PERSON.

Vjl: How shall we best deal with Peter?

Feimao: Oh, I'm fine with anything, as long as I have Ed here.

Lucy: Oh, I can't watch! (covers eyes)

Vjl: Don't worry, only despicable males will get it from me.

Feimao:... Susan is a despicable male?

Edmund: Uh...

Vjl: Uh, no. But she's pretty irritating, so I make an exception.

Feimao: Oh, ok.