Chapter 1: Roses

Out in the hall I find Paylor waiting for me.

"Did you find what you were looking for?" she asks.

There is something in her look, in her tone. Something that tells me she knows very well what I found. That she wanted me to find it.

But I don't know what to make of it, or of what just happened. So I just hold up the flower in answer and somehow manage to walk away. I have barely made 3 steps as she adds "Let's hope you find your voice back soon, the Mockingjay has yet one song to sing".

The fog I have been lost into since the explosion starts to rise, replaced first by incredulity. Then plain horror, as I figure out that the impossible, unbearable suggestion makes sense.

As always, anger brings me clarity, and fuels my broken body as it rouses my brain.

I need to talk to someone about it. Make sure this conclusion I am coming to is not one last scheme from Snow, specially designed to target my shattered mind. To what end? He must know that no matter what I do, it would never result in his liberty or even his survival.

But everyone I could trust is dead.

I could not talk to my mother, not when Prim's death might have been caused by the people who took her in.

Not to Gale, who might have engineered these bombs, and who lately displayed a very low regard for human life, in pursuit of his cause. I remember the mine, in four, how ready he was to seal hundreds of people in this mountain tomb, discarded as war casualties.

I guess Haymitch would take me seriously, but the last time I saw him he was well on his way to passing out.

Anyway, I realize that there is only one person I could talk to. Only one person would really think it through and not assume I'm finally going crazy or discard the unthinkable as necessary evil.

Peeta. My feet are taking me to him before I am even conscious I reached a decision. Haymitch showed me his room once, hoping I would stop by.

I need the old Peeta, with his clever and gentle mind. But is he still there? Back with the team I had glimpses of his old self. And he was trying hard to recover.

I learned that he managed to make his way to the inner city, and was just behind me when the bomb went off. He was not burned, but when he reached the site and guessed I was in this slaughter, he lost it. Only this time he did not go murderous, but catatonic. Since then he is back in the care of his head doctor.

I never visited him. He never visited me. I guess it was my step to take. And it is not lost on me that I am about to take that step just because I need him. I feel a deep pang of guilt, recalling my conversation with Haymitch. He was absolutely right to say that I have let Peeta down. Were our positions reversed, he would have been by my side no matter what.

After that conversation, my feeble attempts at helping Peeta back to his former self were quickly forgotten. Too busy contemplating my own despair. I will never stop failing him.

When I open his door he is sitting on his bed, facing the window. His gaze seems so shallow that I fear he might be in one of his episodes, and take a quick step back toward the hall. The movement startles him, and as he turns I can briefly see joy as he recognizes me, replaced by pain when he understands I am afraid of him.

My heart clenches, and I resolve to convince him of the contrary. So I come and sit next to him, if not as close as I would have once.

"Don't worry, at the moment I am fairly sure you are human" he greets me, trying to appear sarcastic, but only coming out hurt.

I don't even realize it, but for the first time since the explosion, I talk.

"I am sorry I didn't come sooner. But I was…"

"I know. Haymitch told me about Prim. I am so sorry Katniss." He reaches forward as if to take my hand, but stops just short of it.

Thinking of my pain when he is still trying to get out of his inner, torture-induced hell.

This makes me override the wave of grief menacing to choke me at the mention of my sister.

"And I am sorry for your family. I guess I should have told you before, but I handled the whole hijacking situation in the typical Katniss way. Self-centered and destructive."

"Well, I did try to strangle you."

"Let's not pretend. If you have any memory of me, you know I'm just stating the obvious." I cut him, somewhat sharply.

"By the way, how are you? I mean, are your memories sorting out?" I try to get the conversation away from my failures before losing my temper with myself.

"I am making some progress. I seem to process the present normally. But sometimes there are still confusing memories, or fake ones, and I get confused. Nights are bad tough" he says, avoiding my eyes. Probably reminding our nights on the train, when we kept each other's nightmares at bay.

I would like to tell him that from now on I will help him, somehow lift the weight I feel on his shoulder. But I can't. I am no good with words, and I don't want to make another promise I cannot keep.

After a brief embarrassing silence, Peeta notices the rose still in my hand, and attempts to change the mood.

"I now you missed me, but there was no need to bring me flowers", with a ghost of his former teasing smile.

I glance back at it. For one moment, I almost forgot the horrible reason I came to see him.

"I just visited Snow in his greenhouse jail."

"You killed him?" His half-resigned half-worried assumption would have vexed me in other circumstances.

"No. But he told me something. I am sorry, I know I should not bother you, but you are the only one I can talk to."

Hearing the urgency in my voice, he straightens up, and I see him prepare for whatever is coming next.

"I'm listening".

"Snow told me it was Coin who dropped the bomb on the children."

Before he can say how mad it sounds, I rush into more details.

"He told me he was about to surrender, so that the whole thing was unnecessary. Think about it.

The plane was not shot, when the rebels were armed and so closed. They had a complete fleet ready to take down any Capitol hovercraft. But the Capitol did not have any. Or they would have used it sooner. And why would Snow destroy his own human shield only to try and kill a few rebel medics?"

I hesitate a little.

"When he came to my house, before the Victor Tour, we agreed not to lie to each other, and he reminded me of that. I think he could be telling the truth."

Hearing my words, Peeta's face crumbled. Then I see him process it, until he reaches the horror phase.

"This is awful. But Katniss, we must be sure. We cannot go and accuse the new president of mass murder without any evidence."

"Well, I don't think we can find any. If it is true, only a few people know about it. And I don't see Coin or Plutarch discussing it with their Mockingjay pawn any day soon". Again, I can feel anger rising in my chest.

I consider carefully. But I have to tell him the whole thing if I want his opinion. However, I can still keep Gale out of it.

"I only ever heard of this kind of bomb once. In thirteen. People discussing the use of human emotions to create a trap. Here the rebels rushed to help the hurt children, and that's when the second bomb exploded. It was a pity bomb."

He considers it carefully.

"What do you make of Coin? You must have seen her plenty of times when I was… here."

"I never really talked to her. At first I was not very keen on playing her Mockinjay game. She seemed cold. Determined. You have seen how strict thirteen is. They had my prep team chained for stealing bread." I still feel infuriated at this memory.

"She had me sent here hoping I would kill you so I would not put this kind of trick beneath her", he adds in a bitter voice.

And then the old Peeta, survivor of 2 hunger games, is back before me, with his intense blue gaze, organizing our survival.

"We cannot speak about it to anyone else until we figure out how to act upon it without having yet another government planning our death. Promise me you won't do anything harsh."

"I won't until I see a way to end her, and get all of Panem to know why at the same time. Before they can silence me.

But I have to do something. Otherwise we just end up back at the beginning and they all died for nothing."

"Yes. We must do something. We owe them. Not to mention that triggering not only a bloody, but also a useless revolution to see a new and unimproved government slaughter its share of children might be just the thing to definitely break us. "

As true and depressing as it all sounds, I still feel a strange relief when I hear "us".