Hello everyone!
So I actually got sent home from work today because I'm ill, which I have mixed feelings about. I've only just got back to work after two weeks off so I have lots to do but on the other hand, I was able to write this, re-watch last night's episode AND work on Lower than the Ground. On this occasion, I think I'm ok with it!
Speaking of which, last night's episode? WHAT?! So good, so sad. I honestly felt like someone had ripped my heart out and ate it in front of me. That ending... I'm still not over it. Which is why I wrote this. I needed some therapy which turned out to be Sharon and Andy sitting on the floor in her kitchen.
So for obvious reasons, if you haven't seen Return to Sender then you probably shouldn't be reading this. THERE BE SPOILERS AHEAD!
Let me know what you guys think and of course, I also want to know what you all thought about the episode. Was your heart ripped out too?
Lillibet x
Sharon stood at the doorway of Rusty's room. His belongings were already packed and gone, the bed made with clean sheets; it was as if he'd never been there. She felt empty. In some ways she embraced it; she wasn't looking forward to the feeling of failure when it finally hit her.
She pulled herself away from the spare room and moved through to her living room. There was a space under her TV where the Playstation 3 had sat since the day she had surprised him with it. He'd challenged her in a first person shooter game, tossing a plastic gun toward her and betting a weeks worth of house chores that she couldn't beat him. She smiled sadly at the memory of Rusty realising that he had bitten off more than he could chew.
She wrapped her arms around herself and moved through to the dining room. She could see him sitting at the table, pretending to do homework while he watched her prepare their lunch. She could see him eagerly piling her plate with breakfast when she returned from a crimes scene. She could see him staring at the chess pieces from the game he had going on with Dr Joe. And then her mind replayed the moment before he left. The moment he sat at her table with her and cried. He'd held onto her and made her promise it was only temporary.
It was only temporary.
She turned away and pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes. She could feel the hurt beginning in her chest. A dull throb. She leaned against the breakfast island and let her knees buckle. She slid down to the floor, hugging her legs to her chest and resting her head on her knees. She took a deep breath and slowly let it out. She took another one and kept repeating until the throbbing went away. She couldn't let herself fall apart. Not now.
She heard the door open and close but she didn't bother looking up. After the day's events she had been allocated her own protective detail. Outside her condo door stood four police officers and she knew SIS had stationed more around the perimeter of her building. If whoever had entered her home was someone she needed to worry about, they would have been taken down before they even entered her building.
"Chicken or pork?"
Sharon lifted her head slowly to see Andy crouched down in front of her, holding a takeaway box in each hand. "Andy?"
"The kid didn't want you to be on your own," he said with a slight smile. "So I picked up some Chinese on my way."
Sharon's heart filled with affection for Rusty but it immediately turned to sadness. She felt her eyes fill with tears and she looked down at the floor, her arms pulling her knees further into her chest.
"Hey," Andy put the boxes down and sat down cross legged. Sharon felt him touch her upper arms. "Apart from living off takeaways and spending too much time in front of the TV, he'll be fine at Provenza's."
Despite the way she was feeling, Sharon couldn't help but smile. She looked up at him and reached one of her hands out to rest on his chest. "You didn't have to come." She said softly. "I'm ok."
"Well..." Andy sighed, his eyes dropping to the ground for a moment before lifting to hers. "To be honest... I was worried about you too and considering what you've done for me in the past few months, what with my family and everything, I figured this is the least I could do for you." Andy was rubbing his hands up and down her arms, his eyes were soft in understanding and suddenly, Sharon found herself moving toward him.
"I don't want to lose him," she whispered as she fell into his chest. The tears she had managed to hold back began to flow freely. She bunched her fists into his shirt and cried silently. Andy's arms wrapped around her body and he held her close.
"We'll get him," Andy whispered into her ear. "We'll get the bastard, I promise you." Sharon felt him brush his fingers through her hair. "I won't let anything happen to you or to Rusty."
Sharon allowed herself to be held for a moment. She allowed herself to cry until the tears stopped flowing. She allowed Andy to stroke her hair and rock her gently. She snuggled into his warmth and took comfort in his arms. She didn't want to move but she couldn't allow herself to wallow like this for the rest of the night. It wasn't going to help her or Rusty. She took a deep breath, catching the faint scent of Andy's aftershave that still lingered and pulled back. She quickly wiped at her face, trying not to give too much thought to how she must look.
"Come here," Andy said softly. He reached into a paper bag that was behind him and pulled out a red napkin that Sharon assumed he'd picked up when he ordered their food. His hand tilted her chin up slightly and he gently wiped away any trace of her tears. Sharon watched his face as he focused on what he was doing. There was kindness in his features, care in his touch. She felt herself welling up again and Andy caught the tears as they fell. He eventually looked into her eyes and cupped her cheek. "I've got you." He smiled and leaned toward her. Sharon felt his lips brush her forehead and she leaned into him again, allowing her eyes to close slowly.
"I'm so tired," she whispered, rubbing her temple against his jaw.
"You should go to bed," he said, pressing his lips against her forehead again.
"I'm not sure I could go to sleep," she pulled back from him and resumed the position he had found her in; back pressed against the breakfast island, knees pulled in tightly against her chest. She let her head fall back and she looked up at the ceiling. "I'm sorry Andy. I'm sorry you have to see me like this..."
"This is what friends are for," he said with a grin. Sharon looked at him and returned his smile.
"What did you bring?" She asked, nodding toward the forgotten takeaway boxes next to him. Andy picked them up and opened each of them so she could see.
"I wasn't sure what you liked so I got a pork noodle thing and a chicken rice thing," he pushed the boxes toward her.
"Noodle thing and rice thing... are those the authentic names for the dishes?" She smirked when Andy rolled his eyes at her.
"Not only did I bring you food but I'm sitting with you on the floor, do you know what this is doing to my knees? And I'm that considerate that I got plastic forks so that you don't have to wash up after eating," he said in his usual what more do you want from me? tone. "You're really gonna sit there and be all smart ass with me? Pick the one you want."
Sharon chuckled and picked up the rice. She eyed Andy as he watched her, a smile creeping onto his face. "For future use, my favourite dish is boiled rice with chicken and broccoli in oyster sauce." She spooned a mouth full of rice into her mouth.
"Oh, so I guess that means you don't want this then," he put the noodles down and reached for the box she was holding. She slapped his hand away.
"We can swap in a minute," she said, moving the box out of his reach.
"Don't you want to move somewhere more comfortable," he asked as he shuffled around on the hard floor. Sharon watched him with a grin, resting her carton of food on her knees. "I'm not going to be able to walk for weeks."
"Would you like a pillow?" She asked after a moment. Andy shot her a look that only made her giggle. "Would you feel better if I let you have some of this rice?"
"Yes," he said, somewhat petulantly. Sharon offered him the box and he swapped it for the pork noodles. She picked at the vegetables in the noodles for a moment. Her mind was quickly working its way back to Rusty. She suddenly didn't feel so hungry anymore.
"What if they send him away?" She asked suddenly. Andy stopped eating and looked up at her. "The only reason I was allowed to keep him here was because my building was secure and I could protect him. Now that someone has easily bypassed all our security measures and I went against all my instincts and allowed him to take part in this..." she shook her head and took a breath. She could feel herself getting angry, and although she was angry at herself, she knew she could end up taking it out on the man sitting in front of her. She forced herself to calm down. "It shows lack of judgment and care on my part and we've proved that we can't adequately ensure his safety any more. There's nothing keeping him from being taken away."
"You know," Andy started, putting down their food and edging his way toward her. "You know that none of us would let that happen."
Sharon nodded and lowered her eyes to the floor. She knew the team would fight just as hard as she would to keep Rusty but even that thought wasn't comforting. At this stage, if the DA's Office wanted to put Rusty in Witness Protection they'd have a strong case for doing so. Sharon knew that if this was presented in front of a judge, she would have nothing to fight with. She'd lose him.
"I think I'll go to bed," she said after a moment. Andy looked surprised but shuffled backwards so that she could stand up.
"I'll put this food in the fridge in case you get hungry," he offered, standing up as well.
"You can eat it," she patted his arm as she passed him.
"Sharon?" She turned to face him. "If you need anything, anything at all, no matter the time, you'll call me?" He gave her a long stare and Sharon frowned.
"You're leaving?" She asked, her hands fidgeting by her sides.
"You said you were going to bed," he said with his own frown. Sharon opened her mouth to speak then paused. She looked toward the direction of the bedrooms and turned back to him. She stuffed her hands into her jacket pocket.
"I have... I have a free bedroom." There was a pause between them and Sharon wondered if she should have just let Andy leave. "Unless you need to leave."
"No," he said quickly. Sharon smiled slightly at the look on Andy's face; he seemed embarrassed at how quickly he had responded. "I mean... if it's ok with you. I don't want to..."
"I wouldn't have offered if I didn't want you here," she said with a kind smile. Andy smiled too and gave a nervous nod.
"Ok," he said, putting his hands in his own pockets. "Erm... I don't suppose you have anything I could sleep in do you?"
"My son keeps some things in the bottom draw in there. They should fit you." She began to walk toward her bedroom, Andy's footsteps light behind her as he followed her. She stopped in her doorway and looked up at him. "Thank you Andy, for being here for me."
"Anytime," he smiled and touched her shoulder. "I'll always be here for you, if you'll let me."
"Andy..." she moved toward him, her hands coming up to rest on his chest. She welcomed his as they circled her waist. "I've been alone for a long time. With Jack always..." she sighed and decided to skip over her issues with Jack. "I've only ever been able to rely on myself but... I like knowing that you're here. I can't say that I'll always be so..."
"Accommodating?" He smirked and Sharon laughed gently.
"I tend to push people away sometimes," she admitted. "Sometimes I fold in on myself when I'm dealing with difficult situations. It might take me some time... to come to you and I can't promise that I always will but... I hope..." she felt tears sting her eyes and she looked down between them, taking a breath until her tears subsided. When she finally looked up into his eyes she found warmth and affection. "Don't give up on me." She pleaded in a small voice, summing up everything she'd been trying to say in one simple sentence.
"Never." He leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on her cheek. He touched her chin and made her look into his eyes. "I'll always be here."
Sharon nodded and touched his chest one last time before stepping into her bedroom. But before she closed her door she peeked out to see Andy turning the corner into Rusty's room. She felt better knowing that Andy was so close but seeing him walk into Rusty's room made her foster son's absence all the more profound. She had to remind herself that it was only for one night. That Andy wouldn't be there the night's following.
Rusty's room would always be Rusty's room...
Her chest began to ache again and she turned to her bed. In the darkness, and without undressing, she crawled under the covers and picked up her phone from the nightstand where it had been charging. She opened her phone and began typing a text, her heart breaking with each letter she typed. She sent it quickly without allowing herself to think better of it and fell heavily into her pillow. She picked up the other pillow from behind her and hugged it to her chest, trying to make the pain and guilt ease away. It didn't help. She let her tears fall into the pillow freely.
Her phone suddenly lit up and she snatched it off the bedside table. She opened her phone again and clicked into her messages. She smiled around a sob and held her phone to her chest as she finally allowed sleep to bleed into her body. But she replayed the message over and over in her mind until she could hear his voice saying it.
I love you too Sharon. Always. Rusty x
I just want everything to be ok and everyone to be happy – is that too much to ask? Seriously? Although, it would make a pretty boring show wouldn't it? Hahah. Hope you liked, even though it turned out sadder than I set out... now I'm ill AND depressed... sigh!
Night all xxx
