A/N: I honestly don't know where this idea came from... But enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon a Time, any of its characters, or any of the references made on here. This story means no offence to anything or anyone, purely for comical use.


Storybrooke had always been known for its oddities. An evil queen posing as a mayor and adopting her step great grandson as her own son was just the beginning. But nothing could compare to what happened one dismal Tuesday night...

Ruby had just finished grooming herself down at the pet store, and was strolling down Grover street when a conspicuous sound came from behind.

"Who's there?" She growled, looking around veraciously. Then, out of the black night, someone appeared. Well, not just someone. The, someone.

"Oh my gosh- Oprah? Oprah Winfrey?!"

She wore a grin like she were made of money, her camera crew surrounding her like they were the FBI.

"That's me, well, last time I checked,"

"Wha- what are you doing here?" Ruby asked, noticing the microphone in her hand.

"Here to interview the mysterious fairytale peoples of Storybrooke Maine of course- what an interesting red hood you have."

Ruby blushed. "Red's kinda my thing."

"Wait, don't tell me... Cinderella, right?"

"Uhh, no.."

"Rumplestilskin?"

"No,"

"Iron Man?"

"Not even close!"

Oprah gritted her sparkly teeth and turned towards her crew. "That's what I get from learning fairy tales from you losers."

"Red Riding Hood." Ruby confirmed, catching sight of the big camera. "Are we on air?"

"Yes here with me live is red riding hood herself folks," Oprah smiled prefusiveley towards the lends, "so tell me Red- can I call you Red? How is life knowing you're a real life bitch?"

Ruby frowned. "Prefer wolf. But life got a whole lot easier once I realized I'm a furry beast at night during a full moon and a prostitute during the day. Now I can freely drink toilet water without my granny judging me.. As harshly."

Before Oprah could ask another question, someone caught their attention.
Regina Mills, non chelantly walking out of Dr. Whale's house late at night, quickly crossed the road and met up with them and the crew.

"Oprah, what on earth are you doing here?" Regina beamed as if they had been friends all their lives.

"Ugh, you again. Never thought I'd see you of all people here,"

"In a town I created?" She laughed, "you haven't aged a bit."

"How do you two know each other?" Ruby interjected, the camera still rolling.

"Long story." Oprah mumbled, "but here you have it folks, the one and only Evil Queen!"

A button was pressed from an unknown source, and an applause track was played. "Yes yes, it is I, Regina Mills, mayor of this fine town and- still single." She then jerked the microphone out of Ms. Winfrey's hands. "But in case you people haven't heard, I've changed for the good now."

"Give it back!"

"Love you Henry, I didn't murder Archie!"

"Seriously-"

"Hate you with all my heart Mother! Stay horrible!"

Ruby then proceeded to yank the microphone from their hands. Oprah then smacked Regina on the side of the head, resulting in a full on fistfight.

"Uh, sorry for that..." Ruby said awkwardly, the camera crew filling up the screen trying to break up the fight.

"Now back to Richie back at the office!"

"There's no Richie in the office." One of the crew members muttered.

"How would you like to know how to eat your boyfriend in three easy steps?"

At the Charming household, David sat slouched in his leather recliner in front of a plasma TV, eating chocolate Bon boons and wasted as heck. The house was dark except for the glow of the television; Mary Margret, Emma and Henry were all sound asleep, all snoring like a freight train.

David flipped through the guide, looking half dead, until he stopped at the OWN channel.

"Ha, ha, that looks like Regina and Ruby are talking to Oprah." He then paused, taking a look at their surroundings. "Hey, I wanna be on TV too." He muttered like whiny boy, getting up and stumbling towards the door.

Once he got there, the scene before him wasn't pretty. Regina and Oprah were still hitting each other, and Ruby was demonstrating how to do wolf to human recitation. He picked up the microphone and faced the camera with a full sized grin.

"Hi, I'm on TV..." He waved at the screen. The few remaining crew members then gathered together behind David and raised a baseball bad above his head, bringing it down hard and dragging his body out of the camera set.

The desperate wails of her father woke up Emma Swan from her lovely dream about a troll names Francis and had her soon walking the cold halls of the house. She got to Mary Margret's room and shook her violently.

"Wake up!" She hissed, throwing off her covers. When there was no response from her, Emma tried again. "Oprah's in Storybrooke!"

Snow White then awoke with a start, wiping the drool off the side of her face.

"Did you say Oprah?"

"Yes, now get up!"

She then followed Emma out the bedroom door, wearing a bright orange onesie. Before they could get out the door, though, a ten year old boy stopped them.

"I wanna meet Oprah too!" Henry said in a perky voice. "I loved her interview with Lance Armstromg the other day."

"Get back to bed-"

"Wait... How to you know about Lance Armstrong?" Emma questioned eerily.

"No time, we gotta get over there!" Henry said, grabbing her hand. They took off down the middle of the street.

By the time they got to the camera site, they were all out of breath and breathing like they were being chased by rabid monkeys.

"Archie, how'd you get here before us?" Mary Margret gasped, seeing him talking to the screen about different therapy techniques.

"I just hopped over." He said, once he finished.

"What's up with Regina over there?"

He shrugged. "Don't know. They were chewing each other's hair when I got there."

"And why is my husband crying?"
"I... Don't know."

Henry darted over to Oprah, who was about to pick up a metal pole, and waved.
"You're my biggest fan! Can I get your autograph?"

"After- I teach- your mother- a lesson-" she grunted, viciously swinging the pole at Regina. He shrugged his small shoulders and walked away and towards the camera, putting on an adorable pouty face. "Will you please help me? My two mothers won't get along with each other. Donate to the number on your screen now. Operators are waiting for your call. Make me a happy boy?"

"Henry, what did I say about soliciting?" Emma scolded, hands on her hips. She softened when she turned towards the camera.

"On the other hand, I'm a single mother and the savior of this town, trying to raise this poor boy and rip him from his adopted mother's custody-"

"Hey, I was talking," Archie protested, "where were we? Lying is a profession, so George Bush, there is still hope for you!" He then shoved Emma off the screen and sent her sprawled on the hard, wet ground.

"Come down over to Mr. Gold's pawn shop at your next stay in Storybrooke!" Came the voice of Rumplestiltskin, accompanied by Belle, who was holding a giant sign with the store's name in big, bold letters.

"Get your own TV network!" Mary Margret yelled, taking the advertisement and tearing it down the middle. The three of them began their own fight, sending up the noise levels through the roof.

"Turn it off!" Oprah screamed towards the crew, but no one was left. She wrenched herself out from Regina's death grip, got up, and ran as fast as she could towards the camera, switching it off. Her clothes were ripped and torn, and she was only wearing one shoe.

"You people are INSANE!" She shouted as she took off towards the town line.
Emma picked herself up, whipping her butt and looking around. Standing right in front of the hoard of rouge fairytale characters was Cora, wearing a 'I 3 Winfrey' t-shirt and looking crestfallen.

"What did you do to all the crew members?"

"Just collected my jar of hearts," she shrugged. "...and may have killed them."

"What did I say about murdering innocent bystanders?"

Cora signed. "That it's wrong and rude..."

"Good. Now where's Hook?"

"Getting his eyebrows waxed,"

Everything around them was a complete wreck. It was like a tornado swept through the town. Regina stood up and held her head in her hands.

"What- happened?"

"I'll tell you what happened; you got beat up by a billionaire." Belle smirked.

"Hey, everyone, how about we get some Chinese food?" Henry shouted, making everyone around here go silent.

"Henry, it's almost midnight." Ruby contradicted.

Emma shrugged. "I could use some Chinese food,"

Everyone else have a collective nod, and with that, they all set off down the road, hand in hand, the new celebrities of America.


A/N: Hopefully this didn't suck too badly. My apologies of I offended even a single soul by writing this. Really, I mean no harm. :)