I do not own Naruto, all copyright belongs to Kishimoto.
I only own this inane random thing I came up with in a sudden burst of bizarre-ness. All reviews welcome. Rated T for language and Sakura's violent descriptions of dismemberment.
Was initially a oneshot, but well, now I am considering adding more chapters, haha. I dug up the bottom portion which I had forgotten, so that's why it's being reposted.
Summary: "You know, I really hate you." Sakura and Naruto pen letters to their wayward teammate during the two and a half years they are separated.
Bastard, how are you doing?
I, on the other hand, feel like shit thanks to your stupid chidori you decided would be a good idea to thrust through my lung. Unfortunately for you, perhaps, I survived. Which means I'll still be around to drag your ass back to the Hidden Leaf, by hook or by crook.
Things have been more or less normal, and I hope it would make you feel worse to know that Chouji, Neji and Kiba got seriously injured in their attempt to get you back from Sound, though that probably wouldn't work since you're such a heartless bastard.
I'm going on a three-year training trip with my new sensei, ero-sennin. Just you wait, Sasu-CHAN, I'll be back to kick your ass.
P.S Tell Orochimaru screw him, from me and obaa-chan. And ero-sennin. With love.
--Naruto (In the hospital)
Idiot, how did you get this letter to me to begin with?!
That aside, I am feeling fine, thank you very much. You are still alive, eh? I wonder how you could have regenerated your lung like that, really. Pff. Don't delude yourself. You didn't survive. I only spared you ON MY WHIM! Got that?!
No, I quite frankly wouldn't care if anyone died trying to drag me back to the Leaf. The only thing I care about is my revenge. That's the only thing I live for. My dream died on that day, when HE took everything away. That's all I live for.
Who is this ero-sennin? Don't be delusional, dobe. First of all, you'll NEVER beat me, dead last. Further more, I'm being taught by one of the Legendary Sannin. He is more than a match for your ero-sennin, whatever obscure ninja you managed to get to teach a dead last like you.
Orochimaru sends his love to his two teammates, whoever they are.
--Sasuke (In some undisclosed location you have no need to concern yourself with)
Heh, Sasu-chan. My sensei is hardly what you'll call an "obscure" ninja, thank you. Well, he IS a pervert, but he's an experienced ninja.
Who is this ero-sennin? He is indeed a match for your crazy madman of a sensei Orochimaru. I'm being taught by Jiraiya, eat that, Sasu-chan! Unlike me, I'm sure you didn't fall asleep during the Academy classes so you would know who he is. Ero-sennin told me Orochimaru was his teammate, and they were all together on one team, with Tsunade-obaa-chan.
Wow, that sounds really sad, you know, Sasuke? And I mean sad also in the pathetic kind of way. How about enjoying good food like ramen? You don't even live for that? I sure would hate to be you. You really are a heartless bastard you know that? I'm sure your parents are ashamed of you, Sasuke. Becoming a monster like him.
Anyway, on a lighter note, Sasuke, you'll be having your ass dragged back to the Leaf by Sakura-chan and I in the very near future.
--Naruto (In an undisclosed location YOU have no need to concern youself with)
Are you kidding me, dobe?
You're being taught by a SANNIN? You'll always be a dead last, anyway.
You shut up about my parents, you don't know anything. I'm not a piece of shit like Itachi, that low-down asshole who killed and severely injured members of his own clan and other leaf nin, abandoned the village and joined some organization of missing-nins- wait- NEVERMIND.
Sakura? Don't make me laugh. That pathetic excuse of a female ninja can't amount to anything. She wasted all her time fawning over me and her shallow fantasies, as she probably is now, waiting for me to come marching back through the gates of the Hidden Leaf, which will NEVER happen. Sakura? That weak girl? Tch, good one, dobe.
--Sasuke
P.S NARUTO I AM NOT COMING BACK DAMMIT! STOP SENDING ME LETTERS!
UCHIHA SASUKE,
WHEN I SEE YOU AGAIN, I AM GOING TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR SHITTY HEAD AND TEAR YOU FROM LIMB TO LIMB.
YOU FILTHY BASTARD, HOW DARE YOU CALL ME WEAK?!
FOR THE RECORD, I'D ADMIT I WASTED MY TIME FAWNING OVER AN OVERLY-ANGSTY BOY WHO HAD A STICK SHOVED UP HIS ASS 90 PERCENT OF THE TIME.
YOU MUST BE SERIOUSLY RETARDED (WHICH YOU MOST LIKELY ARE) IF YOU EXPECTED ME TO BE WAITING, DOE-EYED, FOR MY BELOVED SASUKE-KUN TO COME STRIDING THROUGH THE GATES OF THE LEAF. DID YOU ACTUALLY THINK I WOULD WASTE ALL MY TIME DOING THAT, YOU SCOUNDREL?!
I MAY HAVE BEEN A DITZY FANGIRL BUT EVEN I HAVE MY TOLERANCE, YOU UTTER SHITHEAD!
TSUNADE-SHISHOU SAYS HI TO YOUR BASTARD OF A SENSEI.
P.S Hell yes, YOU ARE COMING BACK, if only so I can sock you a good one for the trouble you've caused.
--the pathetic excuse of a female ninja, Sakura (Hospital)
Dear me, Sakura, what did you do to get yourself laid up in the hospital? Another of your pathetic attempts at jutsu backfired? Your empty threats are most amusing.
I'm sorry, I was under the impression you wouldn't know any better.
Why, with your overly amorous advances towards me back when I was in the Leaf, I could hardly tell that, dear Saku-chan. Even if you're training under that busty bitch who was my sensei's teammate, you'll always be weak.
By the way, what's with all the capitals? You looked liked you practically murdered the piece of paper. Is it that time of the month for you? And how the hell did you get that letter?! I'm sure that messenger bird thing I got from Orochimaru had instructions to fly to Naruto in Konoha!
--Sasuke
Oh, Naruto sent it to me. He's not even in Konoha anymore. He knows I would give you an earful, that's why. Plus you told him to stop sending you letters, no?
What have I done to get myself laid up in the hospital?
I'm a medical ninja, you idiot.
You need to be punched, seriously, you cold bastard. I once thought you might ACTUALLY have a heart under all that ice, but it seems you've proven me wrong. And yes, for a while, your somewhat good looks helped cover up your hideous personality, and I got fooled by that. Stop calling Naruto a dead last, at least HE had the sense not to go to some pedophile for power.
Think what you want, shithead. I'm not looking for your approval anymore.
It's all in capitals because I. HATE. YOU. Get that?
--Sakura
Orochimaru, you twit, you still have my medical scrolls, don't you? I know you gave them to that rascal Kabuto. You are being a complete ass once more, I see. I will take pleasure in decimating you the next time we meet.
--Tsunade.
Dear Sakura,
A medic-nin, eh? Like Kabuto, I guess. Still, you're going to be weak and unable to defend yourself in combat once more, I suppose. Really, with people like you and the dead last, that's why I left the Hidden Leaf. I'm never going to be able to get stronger with such weak teammates who only drag me down.
I'd like to see your pitiful attempts to try and carry out your threats, that is, if you don't accidentally get picked off during an escort mission before we encounter each other again- I am sure it will prove to be highly amusing.
A heart? I never had one, Sakura, not since THAT DAY, doggonit! I did not "go to a pedophile" for power, you annoying girl, Orochimaru just saw fit not be constrained by stupid ethics to become stronger.
Whatever. Do I look like I would care if you hated me? In fact, all the better. I'd had enough of your shrieking and stalking back when I was in Konoha.
--Sasuke
Kukuku, took you that long? Finally discovered it after spending more then twenty years in a drunken daze? I filched it when we were on that mission to Iwa with Jiraiya just before that whelp of your brother got himself killed more then two decades ago.
I am wondering, despite your apprentice's furious words, you yourself don't seem very concerned with the defection of the Leaf's remaining Uchiha, the pride of his village. I wonder why that is so.
I look forward to our next meeting, hime.
--Orochimaru
Dear Sasuke,
I really hate you, you know that?
Good, then you'll have a very unpleasant surprise the next time we meet. You're pathetic, with your whole incessant "you're weak" complex. The number of times you've said it in your letters makes me think in reality you aren't all that assured about your strength or self-esteem, so whenever you put me down, it's just a PATHETIC attempt to reassure your LOW SELF-ESTEEM and INFERIORITY COMPLEX, HA.
Yeah, your brother too, violated "stupid ethics" to kill your entire clan. Gosh darn, WHO needs ethics?!
Why am I even bothering to reply to you? I ought to spend my time writing a letter to Naruto, he's certainly nicer then you are.
--Sakura
Yeah, YOU certainly did not help with your smart ass comments when I was at the morgue to see the bodies! Dammit Orochimaru, you make the worst type of consoler at a funeral, you know? I didn't need to know how much the enemy nin had disfigured his body till it was unrecognizable. That's part of the reason I ended up leaving- you made everything so much more traumatic.
Uchiha? Hmph. If only you knew, dear Orochimaru. That brat is only going to be a security threat WITHIN the Leaf after that stunt you pulled, anyway.
It's troublesome, but you can keep him for now.
--Tsunade
Hey Bastard,
What's up now? I hope you got a literary earful from Sakura for your asshollerish behavior.
How has your new sensei molested you so far? My sensei may be a pervert but at least he's not after little boys, Sasu-chan. but then again, you do look quite effeminate.
You know, I have wondered these past few months about the kind of relationship we had in Team 7. Just when you looked like you were beginning to pull that stick out of your ass, Orochimaru has to go and give you that hickey. And then you decided to get all envious and shit at the audacity of my ACTUALLY improving till I'm on par with you. Because I'm the friggin' dead last, so I'm supposed to be a dead last forever? Nice, but no thanks.
What sort of strange logic do you possess? Even that "mysterious" power I know you're jealous of has had a very, very hefty price tag on it that I had to pay. And if I could get rid of it, I'd gladly do that.
--Naruto
Naruto,
Yes, that annoying girl certainly got quite worked up just because I stated a fact.
What sort of word is "asshollerish"?
Dead last, get your mind out of the gutter. No one is being molested. AND I AM NOT EFFEMINATE OKAY! DO NOT QUESTION MY MASCULINITY!
You were just a convenient tool. A TOOL. Nothing more! Nothing else! I wasn't beginning to warm up anyway, I just THOUGHT for a moment that you MIGHT be strong but you and that annoying Sakura went back to being your weak, pathetic, sad selves.
Don't delude yourself. I. AM. NOT. JEALOUS. I have NOTHING to be jealous about your weak, pathetic and sad self!
There is no "mysterious" power that I was jealous about. It was just a fluke.
--Sasuke
P.S AND STOP CALLING ME SASU-CHAN JUST BECAUSE I LET YOU GET AWAY WITH IT EARLIER DOES NOT MEAN I DON'T MIND!!!
Sasu-CHAN!
Man, just chill, will you? You're having so many outbursts of capital letters just because I poked some fun at your masculinity. Unless, of course, your uber male-ness actually isn't all that solid, naturally you'll be quite defensive. You seem very emotional, like what I'd expect Sakura when she's having her time of the month. Oh well, nevermind, that's not important.
Oh, asshollerish? I made a new word. It fits you just nice, doesn't it?
Yeah right, you're not jealous. Look at how worked up you got over it in your previous letter. You seem like you're trying to reassure yourself more then you are me. Are you sure? How about that time you stood behind the water tower I blew open with my Rasengan while your stupid Chidori only made a few cracks? You had your mouth hanging open for five minutes. I saw that, you know.
Your inferiority complex is transparent to all, bastard, don't delude yourself. Now stop throwing that hissy fit. You are getting more and more delirious with every subsequent letter.
--Naruto (whose weak, pathetic and sad self is enjoying miso ramen instead of wallowing in an angsty bitch fit like you)
Dear Annoying,
You ARE weak. Your weak, pathetic and sad self is still clinging to your deluded hallucinations and romantic notions that I will come running into your arms which is why still are replying with your weak, pathetic and sad letters.
By the way, I just killed over 100! (ONE FREAKING HUNDRED DOGGONIT!) other ninja in a training exercise. Heh, I'd like to see you top that, Annoying.
HA HA HA!
HAH!!!!!
--Sasuke
Why Tsunade, really? What is it that I do not know?
Nevertheless, my lovely Sasuke awaits and I do not have time to pen inconsequential scribbles under my apprentice's letter to you. See you around, dear hime! Send my evil love to Jiraiya too, will you?
--Orochimaru
