The Beginning of the End

Most people hate endings. I don't mind them so much; the closure is nice. What I really hate is beginnings. Beginnings are terrifying, there's so much uncertainty and anxiety, whereas with endings, you already know what has happened, and you are entirely off the hook, because as they say 'what's done is done' and you can't change what's done. My Mum says that I really do hate endings, and I'm just confused about what makes me anxious. She says a lot of things like that. I think she enjoys pretending to be deep while I half listen and attempt to use the manners she instilled in me during my childhood. As I look into the beginning of the rest of my life, I am terrified of what happens next. I'm not nervous to be done school, I've been at it my whole life, and frankly, I've had enough of it too. I am afraid of what comes after school, because school is basically all I've ever known, all I've ever done, and all I've ever been good at. I'm not good at sports, so professional Quidditch is out, I swoon at the sight of blood, so Healer is out, and I'm not terribly interested in working for the Ministry for Magic, or becoming an Auror, so in all seriousness, the end of my academic career is only a source of anxiety because I have absolutely no idea what to do next.

I am extremely excited at the prospect of my relationship with Potter being over. Not that it's much of a relationship; I don't think you can call his helpless pining over me, and my annoyed rejection of him much of a relationship, but it's been going on for the past two years at least, which is much longer than any of the romantic relationships I've had, so I suppose in a way, James Potter is my 'guy'. I hate him, but I don't have any other true prospects. I'm not afraid of what comes next for me romantically. I've basically resigned myself to the fact that there aren't any fish in the Hogwarts lake that I'm interested in hooking, so I'm excited to go forth into the so called 'real world' and never return to the grimy, immature, pool of fish that is the male student population of Hogwarts. I was never really interested in the boys in Muggle School either. My Mum doesn't understand why I'm not interested in James. The girls at school don't understand why I'm not interested in James. James and his friends don't get it either. I suppose the only person who understands is my best friend Dirk. Thank Merlin for him; I swear I wouldn't have made it past Fifth Year if it hadn't been for him.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my heart was broken in Fifth Year by none other than Severus Snape. We weren't together, but we were thick, and he was my best mate until he got in with the wrong crowd. Dirk was there for me through that entire period, poor lad didn't get any credit for it either, up until Fifth Year no one would have thought we were friends. I'm a year above him in school, and he's really bright, being a Ravenclaw and all, but a major pessimist. I can't blame him; not everyone can take being called a Mudblood all the live long day like I've become accustomed to. Dirk and I really do have a lot more in common than I have with anyone else I know. I can't believe that—Christ, is that the time?

"Mum!" I cry, "We have to be at Kings Cross FIVE MINUTES AGO!"

"Oh Lily, stop your belly aching," I hear her reply from downstairs in an annoyingly sweet sing-song voice.

"I'm going to be late—"

"And your trunk is already packed and by the door…"

"Potter won't let me live this down—"

"James sounds like a sweet boy, dear, he won't mind if you're a little late."

"The train is going to leave without me!"

My Mum sighs, she says I have a flair for dramatics, and that my obsessive qualities tend to make things worse, and in this moment, she's right. I spent all morning packing up my last few essentials, and then laying in my bed day dreaming about lord knows what, when I should have been eating breakfast and making sure everything was absolutely ready to go. I can't wait to be back at school… Hogwarts is hands down my favorite place on Earth. I love everything about it! From the eerie edge of the Forbidden Forest to the groundskeeper, the Lake, the Quidditch Pitch, even though I don't care for playing, the grounds, the halls, the changing staircases—all of it. I might be the tiniest bit sad to be leaving at the end of this year, but I'm not afraid of it. I am afraid of being out of school. I am afraid of not knowing what to do next.

I can feel that my face is hot still, halfway through our introductory meeting. I've been on the train for over an hour and my heart rate still hasn't returned to normal. Stressed out doesn't even begin to cover it. I made it to the train in time, thank Merlin; got to say hello to the few friends I keep company with, and within fifteen minutes, Potter, the arrogant toerag, and his insufferable mate, Sirius Black, had cornered me in a compartment, apparently not noticing my discomfort or annoyance. They badgered me about my summer, Sirius attempting to play matchmaker for his best mate, and Potter pretending to take an interest in what I'm saying. AS IF! I couldn't believe he thought I'd be stupid enough to fall for his false interest and encouraging words. Thankfully it only lasted about 20 minutes because we had to change into our robes and start the Prefects meeting, so he wasn't able to embarrass me as much. At least not so severely.

"Lily… lily… EVANS"

Typical; if it wasn't bad enough that I almost missed the train, now I'm being singled out for daydreaming through a meeting that I'M supposed to be leading. Act cool. Act cool…. I think.

"Yes, James?" I say in my best civil voice.

"A Prefect asked about the rounds schedule. You have it, don't you?"

"Don't you remember it? You are Head Boy." I glance at the Prefects who are starting to snicker. Thank goodness, I've embarrassed him back, the heat is off me.

"No, I've forgotten it. D'You mind?"

I grin, enjoying the upper hand for once. "James and I will do rounds on Sundays, 7th year Prefects are on Mondays and Thursdays, 6th year Prefects on Tuesdays and Fridays, 5th year Prefects on Wednesdays and Saturdays." I clear my throat. "Please schedule yourselves accordingly, and make sure you get us your schedules as soon as possible so we know who to contact if something happens during the day. We use the quick-owl system, so don't be surprised if you wake up to an owl on your bedpost."

Everyone nods, the 5th years look entirely overwhelmed. Too bad, I mentally smirk. Lily Evans runs a tight ship. Someone's got to. I honestly have resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to have to 'pull teeth' to get Potter to participate in anything, and that I'm going to be doing a lot of his fair share of the work. James Potter, more often than not, is a modern day Houdini. Always disappearing without warning and popping up unexpectedly.

The rest of the meeting goes off without a hitch, it's mostly just people asking questions and sharing stories about their summer breaks, too bad I'm not interested. It's all I can do to keep from nodding off while a snobby 7th year Slytherin Prefect tells us all about how her parents bought her another pony but it's not as nice as her other ponies, so she's trying to have them buy her another one to make up for it. Or some such nonsense, I have to admit; I'm not really listening.

I'm sure that I should be listening better to Dumbledore's speech as well, but I tune most of it out, there's the normal things like 'keep out of the forest' and 'don't go here' and 'don't do this'. There are a few things that are new he mentions, like Professor Slughorn was honored over the summer with some new award that I wish Dumbledore wouldn't have gone into detail about, since I'll have to listen to it again at the Slug Club meeting. He also mentions a new Herbology Professor by the name of Sprout, she receives lots of applause from the male students; I suppose if I had to comment, I'd say she's pretty, for as old as she probably is.

All in all, the students of Hogwarts are adjusting normally to their new year. I sit near the empty end of the table with Potter so we can introduce ourselves to our newest members, as Head Boy and Girl, on top of both being Gryffindors. I am thankful that I don't have to leave the Gryffindor table and sit alone with James just because we're in a position together. Eugh, I sigh, I loathe the dirty thoughts that Potter, and his friends have put into my head. Any position with Potter, is something that I am excited to be done with. Too bad that even though he's Head Boy, I WANTED to be Head Girl. He's actually, quite honestly ruining the experience for me so far. I was so excited when I got my letter over the summer with my supplies list. It was uplifting and devastating all at the same time. I was absolutely shocked that he was even qualified to become Head Boy. I wanted to believe that it was all because he was popular, but I'm not popular, and I know Professor Dumbledore is way smarter than that, so I have determined that it will be my task this year to find out exactly what Dumbledore sees in him that I do not. It can't be his shaggy raven hair, can it?