Disclaimer: No fruitcakes were harmed in the making of this Fanfiction.
One day, Lord Voldemort decided to pay a visit to the Potters.
Now, the Potters weren't particularly good friends with Voldemort. Far from it, in fact. You see, the Potters had actually been quite rude to Voldemort, and on three different occasions as well. Regardless, Voldemort was quite willing to put that all behind them in the spirit of forgiveness.
Today, Voldemort was visiting the Potters because he had just heard about their new son, Harry. You see, although Voldemort very much loved children, one of his dark rituals had made him infertile, so he could never have children of his own. But this didn't stop Voldemort from expressing his love. As a result, Voldemort spent quite a bit of his time taking care of other's children for them. Today, he was going to see the Potters to ask about exactly that.
Voldemort knocked at the door to the Potter home, but found the door unlocked, so he let himself in. He was admiring the fine tapestry when James Potter, the boy's father, ran out into the hall and started to yell at Voldemort. Voldemort thought this quite rude, so he cast a spell on James to stop him from yelling. With that dealt with, Voldemort wandered about the house looking for Lily, to see if perhaps she would be somewhat less rude.
He found Lily standing in the kitchen, with the baby Harry at her side. Voldemort called a friendly greeting to Lily, but evidently she had picked up some of her husband's rudeness, so she began to yell at Voldemort as well.
Voldemort was quite disappointed in Lily, but decided to see if he could ask her to stop yelling without using a spell, like his friend Snape had suggested. Voldemort asked Lily if she could perhaps please stop being rude, as the noise was hurting her head.
Lily civilly, though still quite loudly, informed him that Voldemort couldn't have Harry, and neither could he have her fruitcake either. The fruitcake, she said, had been ripening for three months now, and it would be quite a waste to destroy it. Instead, she asked that Voldemort merely quiet her, but leave the baby and the fruitcake be.
Now, Voldemort, being the clever fellow that he was, knew that once she was quieted, Lily could no longer hold him to his promise. So, crossing his fingers behind his back, he agreed to her terms and cast the quieting spell on Lily. Giggling at his trickery, Voldemort stepped forwards to the baby Harry. The baby made some noises, but wasn't particularly rude, unlike his parents. Still, Voldemort knew that he would have to keep Harry quiet while he took care of him.
He was just raising his wand when he noticed Lily's fruitcake sitting on the counter. He grinned as he thought of another mischief he could perform, and so he decided to explode the fruitcake as well. Giggling, he pointed his wand at the fruitcake, and cast a spell to make it explode.
Then the spell bounced back and blew him up instead.
Albus Dumbledore walked solemnly through the ashes of the Potter home, averting his eyes as he passed by the corpses of James and Lily Potter. He stepped into the kitchen, where the current Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Amelia Bones, was overseeing a group of forensics wizards. The entire group was standing clustered around a glistening fruitcake on the kitchen counter, with a large lightning bolt shaped crack running through it.
Amelia looked up as Albus entered the room. "Out timestamping confirmed it," she said. "The fruitcake was created, by both Lily and James Potter, on the eve of July 31st."
Albus groaned as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. "born to those who have thrice defied him, both as the seventh month dies..." He sighed deeply. "Do we have any idea how he was killed?"
Amelia shook her head. "All we've been able to pick up from the spell signatures is that he cast a spell to destroy the fruitcake, and somehow the spell bounced back."
Nodding, Albus filed this information away. He wasn't sure how this would fit in with his Love hypothesis, but he knew that something, at least, had happened here. Albus decided to shift the conversation to a more rational subject. "How is the boy?"
Amelia's visage lightened a bit at this. "He's doing quite well, considering. We've found no signs of any damage on the boy, so he should be perfectly fine." She chuckled. "Kind of funny, isn't it. The guy came here trying to kill the kid, and yet he's the one that ends up dead."
Albus nodded in agreement, and the two of them stood in silence as they let the cost of this victory go unsaid between them.
Amelia was the first to break the silence. "So what's going to happen to the kid?" she asked.
Albus considered this. "His parents named Sirius Black his godfather, but considering the circumstances, I wouldn't say giving him the boy that his master died whilst trying to kill is a good idea." He considered this further. "James doesn't have any living relatives, and Lily's only relatives are a pair of magic hating Muggles. I would hate to see Harry raised by them, though I suppose they'll have to do if there are no other options. Hmm." He lowered his head in thought.
Suddenly Amelia had a thought. "Why don't I take him?" she said. "My brother has a child about his age, so they'll likely enter Hogwarts together. After all, he's just a normal child, and I've been thinking about having a child anyways."
Albus thought over this suggestion, but found nothing wrong with it. "Very well, Amelia. I suppose that James and Lily would have been quite happy with this decision. I trust you can manage the paperwork?" Amelia nodded.
"Alright then," said Albus. "Now that that's settled, all that's left is figuring out what to do with that fruitcake."
The two of them turned to the Fruitcake-Who-Lived, and sighed.
A/N: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M DOING
This is what happens when I try to write fanfiction after eating large quantities of ice cream.
