A/N: My rather lame attempt at humor. I took idea for the thing below the title (the fake Latin) from the Road Runner cartoon, by the way.
Summary: Team Seven, sick of each other's behavior; decide to get a councilor at the suggestion of Kakashi.
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Therapy: Sasuke
(AKA: Emotron Homosexuales)
I know what you're thinking. "What in the world is the great Sasuke Uchiha doing in therapy?" Well, you see, it's all because of my stupid teammates that this is happening, really. My crazy perverted sensei, Kakashi, decided that we all have relationship problems so he signed us up for counseling.
What exactly is wrong with my teammates, you ask? We'll start with Naruto.
He's annoying, and doesn't deserve to be around my oh-so-awesome presence, not to mention he's weak. Okay, maybe not the last one, but still! I mean, who does he think he is, walking around with that stupid blonde hair and blue eyes, thinking he's soooo much cooler than me. Well you know what, Naruto? I have fangirls, so in your face!
Me? Unreasonable? What are you talking about, doc? What do you mean I'm disguising my true feelings of friendship behind crude remarks and insults? I'm not gay! Oh, you meant platonic love. I knew that. But still, I do not love Naruto!
It's impossible!
Not gonna happen.
Never in a million years.
Okay, maybe a little.
He's my teammate, being around him has that affect on you. He just kind of grows on you. Like fungus, or a deadly virus of some sort… No I am not depressed! I'm angry! What do you mean why am I angry? My brother murdered my clan, is that not reason enough to be angry for ten years?
What do you mean it's not?
My relationship with my brother? I want him to die a million painful, slow, gruesome deaths by my hands. So… you're saying that's not normal? Anger management? Nah, I killed my last therapist.
Hey, where are you going, doc? Hello? HELLO?
Oh, the bathroom, okay. I can wait five minutes.
…
Took you long enough! Patience is for sissies, now shut up and listen to me complain! My other teammate? Oh, you mean Sakura. Well, don't even get me started about her. That's true; I am here to talk about my teammates… Fine, fine, you win this one, doc.
She's so annoying! She acts like she loves me all the time… I mean, she's just another fangirl, right?
Proof? Well, she stalks me, asks me out on dates, and bitch slaps any other girl that gets near me. In fact, one time Naruto did his "Sexy Jutsu" near me and Sakura-
What? What do you mean you don't want to hear that story? Fine! Maybe I don't want to tell it to you anymore! Huh? I'm not bratty! Shut up!
How do I know she's not telling the truth when she says she loves me? Well… um… I don't know.
Proof that she's telling the truth? Well… um… She did save my life from this creepy psychotic freak named Gaara and almost died for me. And she might have begged me not to betray the village and even said that if I did go that she would betray the village and go with me just to be near me. Well, yeah, I've thought about it. But there's still so much I want to do in life before I settle down, like kill my brother, Itachi. What do you mean that's not a realistic goal? What do you mean Itachi is more powerful than I'll ever be? Who the hell are you anyway?
Orochimaru? I knew that long, silky black hair and those pretty snake eyes looked familiar!
Oh, you were just kidding. No, for the last time, I'm not gay. And what do you mean going on a date with Sakura isn't the same as settling down? Commitment problems? Of course I don't have commitment problems!
Nope.
I don't.
I'm perfectly fine.
Marriage does not scare me.
Okay, maybe just a little.
Okay, it scares the bejeezus out of me.
Why are you looking so smug? You know, for a therapist trying to make me feel better you sure don't do a very good job. What do you mean you're not here to make me feel better? Solve my team dynamics problem? Oh, why didn't you say so? You did? Whoops.
Anyway, I think my little problem goes back to my brother. What? Of course every bad thing that happens in the world is my brother's fault! Why do I hate my brother so much? I'll tell you: he's evil! One time, I bought this ice-cream cone from the store just as it was about to close and my brother said he wanted one, but the store was already closed, see? So he takes mine! It was my ice cream! And then I said I wanted it back, and what does he do? He licks it! Of course I'm not going to want it back after that, it has his germs all over it! And it was my frickin ice cream!
And then, this one time when I was four my mom was looking for some Oregano, and I was all like, "I saw some in Itachi's room!" Because I did you see, and then she goes up to his room and starts screaming at him and then he gets mad at me! I was four, how was I supposed to know it wasn't Oregano?
Oh, and he killed my entire family. That too.
What do you mean I'm sick for saying the first two and not just the last one? I'll kill you! Hey, where are you going? Bathroom again? Oh, okay, I'll wait.
…
…
…
Hmm… It appears he's not coming back. Oh well, I think I'll go have a smack down with Naruto and then go home to bed. No goddamnit! And for the last time, I am not gay!
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A/N: There's gonna be a Naruto and Sakura chapter too. I got the Oregano idea from "Twirlygigs and Gizzards" by Kalliope Starmist, by the way. So um… yeah… review if you want.
