"No, you don't understand. I'm not applying for a lordship, I want to change my name."

"Name?"

"Lord Voldemort."

"We have no record of such a family."

"No, no, Voldemort is my new name."

"We need to know your old name first."

"I've sworn never to speak of it again, and to kill any who dares—"

"Well, how do you expect us to register the change if you won't tell us who you are?"

"Can't you just do a magic blood test or something?"

"No. Who do you take us for?"

"But I want to change my name."

"If you refuse to tell us the old one, there's really nothing we can do for you."

". . ."

"What would your first name be, anyway? If you go by 'Lord Voldemort,' does that mean Voldemort is your surname? Or do you not have a surname? Or is Lord your first name? If you actually became nobility, would that make you Lord Lord Voldemort?"

"I am Lord Voldemort. That's all you need to know!"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Lord Voldemort, but we really can't arrange for a name change without knowing the name we're changing. If you won't change your mind, then we literally cannot do anything for you."

"Well, fine. It's not like I was planning to have a family anyway. An immortal Lord need not submit to the whims of magical record-keepers. All will know me as Lord Voldemort, my old name is as good as dead. I don't need your help for that."

"Have a good day, Mr. Lord Voldemort."

"Oh, I shall. You've mocked me for the last time. Farewell, interfering little fool. Avada Kedavra!"