Before the Storm

It was hard to explain the ache I felt now. It wasn't a tear in my chest this time; it was a tightness in my throat that just wouldn't go away, no matter how wonderful I felt in Edward's arms.

I wasn't whole anymore. I loved Edward desperately, exactly as I had before. And yet, he wasn't the only one in my heart now. I went through my days in a blur of breathtaking, cold kisses and Edward's gentle touch, but my nights were filled with dreams of soft dark eyes and a beautiful sunny smile.

I read Jacob's letter again and again whenever I was alone. Each time, I hated myself more and more. What kind of a monster was I, to do this to someone who had loved and taken care of me the way he had? He had kept me alive; kept me from falling apart completely, and I had abandoned him as surely as if I had died on the cliffs that day.

"It just makes it worse when I think about you too much, so don't write anymore--"

My eyes stung with bitter tears as they fell on the words that had revealed the worst of Jacob's pain. What had I done?

I only knew one thing for certain: I had to see him. I made the decision in a split second, and I knew I had only moments to act. I was out the door and running to my truck before I had a chance to talk myself out of it.

I turned the key in the ignition with shaking hands, trying not to think about what would happen if I was caught. I drove as fast as I could toward the border line, laughing a bit hysterically at the thought of being pulled over by Charlie.

I parked my truck a few blocks away from Jacob's house and walked the remaining distance, knowing that the roar of my truck could very well send Jacob tearing into the woods in the opposite direction. I felt my throat tighten all over again knowing that this was what we had come to. Could there be any way to repair the damage I had caused?

My fingernails dug painfully into my palms as I made my way to the garage where I knew he would be. What on earth was I going to say to him?

When I did see him, my throat stopped up completely. He was bent over the open hood of the Rabbit, his hands sure and steady as he effortlessly fixed whatever was wrong. Looking at him there, it felt like no time had passed. It was almost easy to convince myself that when he turned around and saw me, he would greet me with that easy smile of his, piecing me back together just like he always had.

When he did turn around, the coldness of his eyes cut me to the core. I didn't feel steady on my feet as I took in the remote look on his face. I tried to unclench my jaw as I struggled to say something, anything to break the awful silence.

"I had to see you," was all I could manage. My voice was so hoarse I barely recognized it. I saw his hand tighten around the wrench he was holding.

"Why, Bells?" he replied in a softer tone than I had been expecting. "I thought you had everything you wanted now." He punctuated this with a bitter laugh that I felt like a rip across my flesh.

"You know that's not true, Jake," I whispered. "How can I be happy when I know you're hurting?"

"Well, you seem to have been getting along just fine without me," he spat. "I don't need a pity visit, Bella."

"Jacob, stop it!" I found myself yelling. "That's not what this is. I hate being without you. Why can't we go back to the way things were?"

He was in my face before I could blink. I found myself shocked all over again at how fast he could move.

"Because they can't, Bella! You're with the enemy now! You've turned your back on all of us, not just me. You can't possibly expect for things to be like they were before those leeches came back. Nothing can ever be the same."

I felt tears sting my eyes again at the pain I could see hidden behind the anger. I somehow knew that the only way I could fix this was to tell the whole truth.

"Jake, I'm not whole when you're not with me," I said, my voice breaking. In some way, those words felt more real than anything I'd ever said. As soon as they left my mouth, the fury fell away from Jacob's face, leaving it more beautifully raw than I had ever seen it. The feeling I saw in his eyes sent a shiver down my spine.

Before I knew what I was doing, I had closed the distance between us and I was kissing him, hungrily, frantically, as if I'd been starving for it this whole time. It was only a second before I felt his hands slide up my back, around my waist, holding me against him as if he'd found something precious.

One of his hands slid into my hair, those warm fingers caressing my temple with such tenderness that I felt like weeping. Then suddenly in this almost painful rush of sensation, I realized exactly what I was doing. I tore myself away from his mouth with a gasp, clutching at the collar of my shirt as the full weight of it hit me. I did the only thing I could do: I turned and ran.