TITLE: The Vegemite Chronicles (1/?)

AUTHOR: AussieBullDog

RATING: PG-13 (no worse than the show)

FEEDBACK: See, it's thing where you read someone else's fic, then you tell the writer what you thought of it. The writer gets enough good feedback, they keep writing. Everybody wins.

DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon? Yes. Me? No. Enough said.

DISTRIBUTION: You want it? You can have it. Just let me know where to see it.

SUMMARY: In an AU Sunnydale, Vegemite is more valuable than blood.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is the first instalment of what will probably become a long-running but silly series, written in script form. Each instalment will incorporate ten quotes from a BtVS/Angel episode. The rest is just me having fun. Hope that makes sense. Enjoy. Thanks must go to the people at the Psyche transcripts site, without whom this fic would never have happened.

DEDICATION: To Christopher Marlowe, for inspiring me to turn this silly little idea of mine into a fic. Blame her if you don't like it. Shower her with overwhelming praise and affection if you do. And to Vegemite lovers all around the world - our mummy says we're growing stronger every single week.

***

THE EPISODE: Welcome To The Hellmouth

The quotes:

DARLA: I heard a noise.

XANDER: See, I wanna change.

BUFFY: Trendy, but tasty.

WILLOW: Oh, it has that effect on most kids.

GILES: You really have no idea what's going on, do you?

ANGEL: Don't worry. I don't bite.

BUFFY: I really didn't like him!

CORDELIA: God! What is your childhood trauma?

LUKE: I've sent your servants to bring you some food.

DARLA: He was young and stupid!

***

CHAPTER 1 - Welcome To The Vegemite

***

An underground lair, somewhere below the town of Sunnydale. Three vampires are gathered around a small fire, their heads lowered, their eyes shut. They are the Master, Luke, and Darla.

THE MASTER: We have arrived. The Order of Aurelius are poised to reign supreme over the human pestilence.

LUKE: The mystical energy of the Hellmouth will be our beacon.

DARLA: This town will see us receive our greatest weapon, and we will smother those above us into oblivion.

THE MASTER: All we need is to discover their greatest weakness, and exploit it. Then it will all be ours.

Darla's head shoots up, and her eyes open.

DARLA: I heard a noise.

Luke and the Master open their eyes to look at her.

LUKE: What is it?

Darla gazes upwards towards the roof of the lair.

DARLA: I don't know. Something above us.

Suddenly, an object falls from above, striking Darla in the center of the forehead. She slumps to the ground, unconscious. Luke bends down, and picks up the object.

THE MASTER: What is it?

LUKE: It's a jar of something. There's writing on the front of it.

THE MASTER: What does it say?

LUKE: It says ... Vegemite.

THE MASTER: Vegemite? Let me see that.

Luke hands the jar over to the Master. The Master opens the jar, and dips a finger into it.

THE MASTER: I've heard of this, but I've never tasted it.

He holds his Vegemite-coated finger up in front of his face, and looks at it for a moment. Then he puts his finger into his mouth, and tastes the Vegemite. When he removes his finger, the Vegemite is gone.

THE MASTER: Excellent! Luke, round up some of the minions. We need more of this Vegemite. I think we've found the key.

***

The Sunnydale High School library. Willow and Buffy are seated at the table, doing some studying. The doors open, and they look up to see Xander walking in. He is holding a Vegemite jar in one hand, and digging his fingers into it.

XANDER: This stuff is amazing!

WILLOW: (delighted) Xander! You tried the Vegemite!

XANDER: See? I wanna change. Where did you get this stuff?

WILLOW: I have distant relatives in Australia who send some to me every year. (to Buffy) I've been trying to get him to eat Vegemite since we were seven.

BUFFY: I used to eat Vegemite all the time in L.A.

WILLOW: Did you like it?

BUFFY: Trendy, but tasty.

Xander sits down at the table, his fingers coated in Vegemite.

WILLOW: I've got lots more back home. Do you want a jar?

BUFFY: Sure!

XANDER: Oh, man!

WILLOW: What is it?

XANDER: I feel weird. All of a sudden I've got this maddening urge to start singing Midnight Oil songs.

WILLOW: Oh, it has that effect on most kids. You should have seen the looks on my parents' faces when I tried my first Vegemite when I was seven and started singing "Beds Are Burning".

BUFFY: Did they freak?

WILLOW: (thoughtful) I don't know. They went really quiet.

Giles comes out from the librarian's office, holding a textbook open in both hands.

GILES: Not surprising, really. People who have never eaten Vegemite tend to think of those who eat it and love it as, well, rather strange. But we have more important things to concern ourselves with right now.

BUFFY: Like what?

GILES: (looking up from the textbook) Oh, uh, well, I've been researching the Order of Aurelius, and I've found references to a ritual that opens the Hellmouth. These vampires intend to perform this ritual. And it appears that Vegemite is vital to their plans.

XANDER: (confused) How's that?

GILES: I'm not sure.

WILLOW: Giles, I've got thirty jars of Vegemite at my house right now!

BUFFY: And it's probably the only Vegemite in the whole town. You can't buy it here.

XANDER: So what's the big deal? We ditch school, go to Will's place, get the Vegemite before the vamps show up, and hide it somewhere. Like my place!

GILES: You really have no idea what's going on, do you? As long as there's Vegemite in this town, none of us is safe. We have to dispose of it as quickly and efficiently as possible. The Order of Aurelius are not to be taken lightly. They'll go to any necessary lengths to retrieve all the Vegemite they can find.

XANDER: So the vampires are gonna be coming for Willow's Vegemite?

ANGEL: Don't worry. I don't bite.

They look up to see Angel standing just inside the library doors.

ANGEL: In two hundred and fifty years, I've never liked Vegemite. I could stand in a locked room for days surrounded by Vegemite and not be tempted.

XANDER: I wasn't talking about you, Deadboy. You're not even a real vampire anymore.

Angel looks at Xander silently for a few moments.

XANDER: What?

ANGEL: There's Vegemite on your top lip.

XANDER: Oh.

Xander wipes his mouth, embarrassed.

GILES: Angel, I'm glad you're here. The Order of Aurelius are planning something. We're not sure what exactly, but we know that Vegemite is involved.

ANGEL: The Master.

GILES: The vampire king?

ANGEL: From what I've been hearing, the Master got his first taste of Vegemite this morning, and now he's addicted to the stuff. He's got his lackeys out looking for Vegemite anywhere they can find it.

BUFFY: We have to get to Willow's. Now!

XANDER: Second that.

GILES: Yes, we best get moving.

BUFFY: (to Angel) You coming?

ANGEL: I can't. The sunlight.

XANDER: Awww, too bad. Bye now.

Buffy, Xander, Willow and Giles exit. Angel remains behind in the library.

***

Willow's street. The gang is moving quickly along the sidewalk.

BUFFY: I really didn't like him!

WILLOW: Who, Angel?

BUFFY: Duh! Did you hear what he said earlier about Vegemite? I couldn't believe he'd say something like that!

XANDER: Appalling, isn't it?

GILES: Are we almost there, Willow?

WILLOW: Just a few more houses.

***

The library. Angel hears the doors opening behind him. He spins around, only to bump into Cordelia, who has just entered. The force of the collision sends Cordy reeling back a few steps.

CORDELIA: God! What is your childhood trauma?

She recognizes Angel in front of her, and relaxes.

CORDELIA: Oh, it's you. Where's Buffy?

ANGEL: She had to step out.

Cordy lets out an angry sigh.

ANGEL: Is something wrong?

CORDELIA: My Vegemite!

ANGEL: (instantly concerned) What?

CORDELIA: I had a jar of Vegemite in my locker, and now it's gone! Who could have taken it? Nobody knew I had Vegemite in there!

ANGEL: They're here.

CORDELIA: Who's here?

***

Underground, in the Master's lair.

LUKE: I've sent your servants to bring you some food.

THE MASTER: Vegemite?

LUKE: As much Vegemite as they can get their hands on.

THE MASTER: (smiling widely) Good.

Beside them, Darla is slowly getting back to her feet. She's still a little groggy.

DARLA: This Vegemite better be worth it. I've got a splitting headache.

A thought strikes the Master, and he turns to Darla.

THE MASTER: Angelus. Did he ever eat Vegemite?

DARLA: (frowning) No. I used to eat it all the time back in Europe. But Angelus never tried it. Then he ate the man who used to make it for me. He was young and stupid!

THE MASTER: That explains a lot. I can feel the Vegemite inside me, giving me strength. Perhaps if Angelus had eaten Vegemite, he wouldn't have gotten so careless and let those gypsies restore his humanity.

Suddenly, Angel's voice rings out from behind them.

ANGEL: If I'd have eaten Vegemite, I'd probably suffer some kind of adverse allergic reaction to it and end up looking a lot like you. Good thing I never tried it.

DARLA: What the hell are you doing here?

ANGEL: Sorry, honey. You're not getting away with this. That Vegemite will never be yours. I'll make sure of that if it's the last thing I do.

THE MASTER: Then it shall be the last thing you do. Luke, kill him!

Luke launches himself at Angel.

T.B.C.