the end of the beginnings
The first time Sam dies, it's a devastating moment. He slips away slowly into the darkness of the rain while Dean mutters promises he can't keep and pleads for what Sam can no longer give. But that is only the first time.
SPN
The first time Dean dies, it's a terrifying moment. He screams all the way down to Hell while Sam sobs in a bloody room over a bloody brother that he couldn't save. And Sam can't hear it, but Dean is crying his name too.
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It's funny, Sam thinks sometimes, how watching your brother die never gets any easier. Death never becomes normal, no matter how many times it happens and re-happens.
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The first time Sam comes back to life, he doesn't even know he was dead. He is confused and in pain but whole, and the first clue he has that something has changed is when his brother crosses the room with hard steps and grips him tightly as if he hasn't breathed in a long time. After that, Sam asks questions.
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The first time Dean comes back to life, Sam doesn't even believe it's really him. But they run the tests and Dean passes and Sam's relief is squeezed strongly against Dean's neck as his heart accepts the truth of it. And they are both confused, but together they ask the questions and together they search for the answers.
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It's funny, Dean thinks sometimes, how many times they've died and come back again. Maybe all of life is really just a sick joke on them, like a never-ending Mystery Spot where they never stop watching each other die.
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The first time Sam dies is not the last time, and by the time he turns thirty he is beginning to think that he has seen death in every possible form. He's been shot, knifed, stabbed, poisoned, and even died before he was ever born. He's walked a living death without his soul, and chosen an eternal death in Hell as a sacrifice for the many. So when he thinks it is the end, the one thing he asks of Death is that it be permanent. He asks for a promise that this death will be the last death, that there will be no more resurrections and responsibilities stealing away his life bit by slow bit. He asks for that promise and he is given it and yet on the very brink of his final death he is called back to life yet again. And he goes. So the first time was not the last time and the last time was not the last time and Sam is beginning to wonder if it ever ends. But who could blame him?
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The first time Dean dies is not the last time, and by the time they stop the second ending of the world he is beginning to think he has seen death in every form. He's been shot, mauled, electrified, impaled, and even died in the future. He's faced a living death in Purgatory, and chosen an eternal death in Hell as a sacrifice for his brother. So when he thinks it is the end, he tells himself that he's seen death enough times already and he consents to pay any price as long as death does not win. He asks for a promise that it will work, that he will not be forced into a living death of a world without his brother where the weight of the lives depending on him crushes him bit by slow bit. He asks for that promise but it cannot be given to him and yet he chooses to fight for it anyway, as he always does. And he wins. So the first time was not the last time and he's hoping there never is a last time unless they get to face their last time together because he won't accept it any other way. But who could blame him?
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It's funny, Dean thinks sometimes, how important one person can be. And he doesn't know it, but sometimes Sam thinks that too.
