Nobody's Perfect
They say I am the perfect soldier. This I am not. Soldiers are human, and I am not that either. Humans feel, they have emotions and expressions, I have neither of these, if I do they have been repressed for so long I can't tell one from another, or if they are even there. Humans know happiness, excitement, fear, love... I know none of these. Duo once told me to stop pretending that I was human, perhaps I should. Humans are not empty, but I am, in the depths of my soul there is a void, occasionally filled with hatred and anger. I am merely a mindless drone serving the colonies in a capacity they don't want. I am merely a burden to all who know me, and that's something they don't need. That maybe why I want to leave.
I know I make others think that I value my missions above my life, and that is why I try to self-distruct. They think I am willing to die for my cause, in a way, I suppose I am, for in reality I am just willing to die. That's not perfect. I'm not a soldier and I'm far from perfect, maybe that means I'm misunderstood, but I don't care if I am. I care for nothing.
So why do I fight so hard, you must be wondering, if I don't care. Something must give me a purpose. Duo lightens everyone's mood, Trowa has people around him, Catherine, a sister, for instance, who won't let go, Quatre is the only heir, he has something he must be later in life, Wufei strives for justice, as Relena strives for peace, and Noin and Zechs each have something they truly believe in, so where does that leave me? That's something I never knew, so I fight. I am the 'perfect soldier' but at the same time not.
As much as Duo thinks it is him, if anyone is death personified, it's me. I am a killer, an assassin, I crave my own death, but that I may not have, so I take the lives of others with a thought. At least, I used to.
But now, I see those around me, those who for some reason, like Duo, who want to see me smile, those who for some reason, like Relena, who love me, those who for some reason, like Trowa, help me out and neither want nor expect something in return, those who will not give up on me, who see something in me worth seeing.
And now I know, I don't want to do this anymore.
Oh, well, nobody's perfect.
Disclaimers: I don't own Heero Yuy or anything that has anything to do with him, so just leave me alone all ready!! *Runs away crying from the people who want to sue her.*
