A/N: After staying up until twelve, watching the Degrassi marathon for the past couple weekends, I have become addicted and also very sleep deprived. The idea for this drabble came to mind late at night and I could not help but type it up. It is a bit ramble-y and possibly a bit OOC but it is my first time writing fanfiction in a whiiiiiiiiile. Anyway, reviews are much appreciated.
Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.
He had destroyed innocence.
It was the only thought going through Jay's mind after he had pushed Emma out of his car, leaving her in the Ravine, a world that she did not belong in. A world that he had pulled her into. Emma Nelson was not the type of girl who would spend time in the Ravine, especially time around him. Somewhere deep, deep down, good, kind-hearted Jay who had been silenced and ignored so many times before, was yelling 'I knew this was a bad idea.'.
But, like always, he squelched all thoughts of regret like he always did. It was so much easier than actually facing what he had done. He was Jay Hogart and Jay Hogart did not do regret. Instead he ignored regret and moved on to do something even more thoughtless and dangerous. He did not care about those who were hurt along the way. He did not think of what he destroyed.
So, why were his thoughts lingering on this one little thing?
Could it be that Jay Hogart had finally grown a conscience?
Hell no.
He was not the type of person who had a conscience. He laughed at people who had a conscience. He had nightmares of him having a consciences. But, of course, this was no nightmare. This was real life. And, right now in real life, he was actually regretting something.
Suddenly, he felt the urge to jump out of his car and run after Emma and pull her back into his car and drive her home, in the hope that the awfulness of the Ravine had not totally destroyed her innocence. But, that would mean that Jay Hogart had done something good, something that did not benefit him in some way. That was just another thing that he did not do; doing unselfish things. That meant he had to have a conscience and Jay had decided long ago that consciences were no fun.
Jay could not stop replaying the moments that he and Emma had spent together over and over again in his head. The things he said to her, the things he did, the very not innocent thoughts he had about her. I am not getting out of this car. Jay told himself gripping the stirring wheel so tightly that his knuckles turned white.
His mind was filled with thoughts of what would happen if he went after Emma. Maybe he could somehow save her. Maybe he had not destroyed her innocence. Maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay and he would have no regrets to have to ignore and no Emma to think of.
He almost reached for the door. Jay Hogart almost reached for the door of his car so he could go after Emma Nelson. As soon as his fingers barely brushed the cool metal of the door handle, he pulled them back as if he had touched a hot stove. He could not go after her. It would not be the Jay thing to do. The Jay thing to do would be to let her go and not waste another thought on little Emma Nelson. And, somehow, the Jay thing seemed so much harder to do than the Not-Jay thing.
But, he would not give in. He would never give in.
If he gave in, it would mean he would have to change. And though there were many things that he was good at that other people had such difficulty doing, changing who he was, even the slightest change, was oh-so-very difficult and oh-so-very frightening.
So, rather than giving into that urge to go after the little, or maybe not so little anymore, he slipped that car key into the keyhole, started up the engine, and drove away. Drove away from more than just Emma Nelson; driving away from having to admit to himself that he actually had a conscience.
