Pam stood behind the building and was sneaking a cigarette. She had a pack she bought last year hid in her desk draw. She had smoked a little back in high school but lately it she every once in a while whenever she felt super stressed. Today was one of those days.

She remembered after breaking off her engagement to Roy she had smoked a whole pack and almost wanted to puke. This was her first cigarette in almost two years. Enjoying the warm spring weather, she leaned against the building and had to smirk. Not even Jim knew she did this, but today she needed it.

She hated whenever the two of them argued. She saw that lately it was becoming a little out of hand and people and beginning to notice. She hated mostly whenever they did it in front of Jim. She just wished that he would have never come back. She could have killed Michael for hiring him again. Now every time she saw him she was reminded of the past.

She hated his little insights, pretending he was so cultured, pretending he was above it all while the truth was he had messed up his life so badly he was stuck and more than likely wouldn't get out. She knew he was jealous of what Jim and her now had, she knew he hated seeing them together or with the baby. She knew it was only a matter of time before things boiled over...

How could she have been so stupid?

Just then she heard his voice and her heart jumped into her throat.

"Got another one of those?"

Pam looked over and saw him walking towards her. His sleeves were pushed up, wearing his vest and tie. She saw he had his hands shoved in his slack pockets, and seemed just as on edge as her. Pam right away felt annoyed. The one moment she wanted to be alone of course he had to come over and bother her.

Pam stared at him before reaching into her purse and taking one out and handing it to him.

"Thanks..."

She took out her lighter and he cupped his hand and lit it before handing it back. Taking a long drag he leaned up against the building with her, staring at the fence and bushes.

"Getting sorta crazy in there huh?"

Pam looked at him, she hated that he was trying to use small talk. Shrugging, she stared straight ahead.

"I guess..."

Inside had turned into a madhouse as they scrambled and tried to find a new manager. Finally Pam had enough and stepped out, she knew Jim hadn't even noticed. He was beyond stressed and trying to solve this nagging problem. Pam had hoped to just step out for a little while and collect her thoughts. It was almost five, and she had to pick the baby up from daycare soon.

"Listen Pam...I'm sorry about earlier I just lost my temper and..."

Pam shook her head before flicking her smoke down.

"It's all right, I was acting like a bitch...we just need to stop the bickering. We're making a scene and you know how people like to talk in there. We agreed we could work under the same roof if we tried to move on you know?"

Ryan nodded, throwing his smoke down as well.

"I'm sorry...it's just after everything that happened I really don't have a place to go."

Pam nodded.

"Tell me about it."

Ryan smirked and Pam noticed how blue his eyes looked at that exact moment. Sighing, Ryan shook his head.

"I just think we need a little space, I'll try to keep my mouth shut."

Pam nodded.

"I'll try the same...I mean we're dealing with an awkward thing you know...us seeing each other every day."

Ryan nodded.

"It's been hard, I'm not going to lie. I'm still trying to look into that job down in Florida with my brother but things are taking forever to pan out."

"It's okay...we just need to be adults, we promised each other."

"Yeah..."

"I better get back..."

"Sure..."

Pam caught his eyes and saw nothing but sadness in them.

"I don't know why I'm still with Kelly..."

Pam was taken aback by this comment, raising an eyebrow she stared at him.

"Then break up with her..."

"I've tried, I treat her like dirt and I don't love her but she takes all my bullshit. It isn't fair the way I treat her but sometimes I think since I'm still here...I use her as sorta as a front you know?"

Pam nodded, deep down inside as much as she didn't want to admit it she felt the same way.

"I'm sure you'll figure things out, you always do Ryan."

"I hope so..."

They stared at each other before Ryan dropped his eyes and cleared his throat.

"How's the baby?"

Pam knew this was hard for him to ask, in fact he often ignored everything whenever Pam or Jim brought her in or showed off the latest photos. She had to hand it to him, he had been the better person coming to the wedding, and then the baby's christening. She knew if that had been her, she wouldn't be able to face it. Here he was watching the life he could have had with her...

"Good, she's getting real big. Starting to talk a whole lot, crawling everywhere..."

"Nice..."

hey stared at each other before Ryan sighed and looked at her.

"Pam?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you...ever think about him?"

Pam sighed.

"Everyday."

Nodding, Ryan kept looking down before turning.

"Thanks for the smoke Pam..."

He hurried away, and Pam knew why...he was holding back tears.

Sighing she fixed the strap of her purse and decided to wait until going back in. Standing there she thought of why exactly her and Ryan's relationship was rocky and on the verge of shattering. Something everyone in the office knew about and had avoided to talk about as the years went on. Something Pam very much knew people whispered about when she wasn't around.

Something Jim had learned to deal with but still seemed so uneasy about.

It was that back when Jim had left Dunder Mifflin for that brief time at Stanford, Ryan and Pam had briefly dated.

Pam had gotten pregnant...and had lost the baby.

A boy...a little boy.

Thinking about this, Pam held back tears of her own.