Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, or the song Hero, or the song Because You Loved Me, but I borrow them to write good fics. ^_^
A/N: This fic does contain heavy angst and death so don't read it if you don't like that. I was inspired to write it whilst listening to the album Fallen by Evanescence, and following reading The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood, (again I own neither) but ideas, style and themes, may be reflected in the fic. It's written from Quatre's point of view following his receiving news that Heero is thought to be dead. Hope you all enjoy.
For Nakiko.
Fade
I'm coming home to you now, my love, my feet crunching on the gravel path, the birds twittering in the trees nearby. I'm coming home to you now, my key turning in the lock.
As I open the door I can smell the dinner cooking, the rich aroma making my mouth water. I can hear your music playing softly. I smile as I see the lights are on and you're sat in your chair, reading. I'm home for you now, my darling. You're waiting there, fresh back from your latest mission. You stand as I come in, happiness clear in your eyes. You wait for me to come to you, and I do. I set my briefcase down in its place beside the door, slipping off my shoes. And then I'm running to you, and you're picking me up, twirling me round and kissing me so tenderly, so lovingly I think my heart might break. Your strong fingers threading through my hair, your tongue brushing against my lips…
No. That's a lie. That's not what happens. Not anymore.
I'm coming home to you now, my love, my feet crunching on the gravel path, the birds twittering in the trees nearby. I'm coming home to you now, my key turning in the lock.
As I open the door I notice the silence, I call to you softly. There's no answer, so I set my briefcase down in its place beside the door, slipping off my shoes, and move further into our home. I call you again but you don't answer. I begin to worry; perhaps you aren't home yet. But there you are, in the kitchen, I can only see your back right now but it's enough to make me smile. Reaching out, I touch your shoulder, welcoming you, telling you how much I miss you. But you grab me; throw me down, my back crashing against the kitchen unit. Now, your hand about my wrist, bruising, pulling me up again, your breath pure alcohol…
No. That isn't true either. I almost wish it were. It would be easier.
I'm coming home now, but not to you, my love, my feet crunching on the gravel path, the birds twittering in the trees nearby. I'm coming home now, but not to you, my key turning in the lock.
As I open the door silence greets me. I step inside and put my briefcase down in its place beside the door, slipping off my shoes. I walk over to the sofa. It's so quiet, so dark, no smell of cooking to greet me. There hasn't been for so long now.
My fingers brush rough material, startling a gasp from me. Your green tank top, did you leave it for me, my love? I raise it to my face, breathing you in, your essence. I know you so well.
Do you remember the times we lay together darling? Do you recall the caress of lips on skin? You used to get so impatient… All I ever wanted was to kiss you, to touch every inch of your skin, to memorise you… Then we'd come together, two become one. That was a song lyric wasn't it? We'd move together, you and I, together we reached another place, our bodies slick with sweat and melded into each other. We were one person, never ending, never beginning.
Then I'd slowly float down from that high place, to be captured in your arms. Are you with me darling? Do you remember the times I pressed my nose against your throat or shoulder? Every time I'd breathe you in. Your top smells like that now. Did you leave it for me?
Reverently I place it down and look about for you, you must be hiding here waiting for me. I wonder where you could be…
I tiptoe, I don't want you to hear me coming. I don't want to scare you, make you vanish.
Then I see you; you're smiling at me. I'm the only one who gets to see those smiles. Quatre's smile, that's what Trowa called it. Quatre's smile on Heero's face. Heero…
I can be your hero baby. I can kiss away the pain. I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away. Do you remember when you sang that to me? I'd organised a get together at my house. It was when we still lived apart, when no one but you and I knew of us. There was karaoke, just for Duo. But you said you wanted a go, said you had a special someone to sing to. I could see the love in your eyes when you looked my way. Relena was bouncing; she thought you meant her. She never understood about us. And so you took the stage, laughter in your eyes as you sang how you could be my hero. My Heero. And you kissed me. Right in front of them all; I think I was crying; I do that a lot. I'm doing it now in fact.
My finger traces your image, Quatre's smile on Heero's face. Never stop smiling my darling. I know you're listening. I can feel your smile now; you're standing right behind me. But I know you'll vanish if I turn, so I stay still. I want to feel you touch me again my love.
One caress and I'm caught. You always did do that to me. Do you remember the times we'd be walking along? We'd walk along and your arm would brush against mine. I'd gasp. You'd never fail to look at me, amused? Affectionate? What was it back then? Irritated? I'd always blush and look away. You drove me mad with desire.
Now I'm yours. But where are you to take me? You haven't touched me really. That's a lie. You touched me in the past, and set me on fire, just not now, not anymore. I turn and you're gone. Or were you never there?
I set you down. Quatre's smile on Heero's face. It's an image I'll never forget.
There are other images I'll never forget. Where to go? Nightmares and tears, tears and nightmares; that was your life once. That's my life now. I remember when it was your life, too keenly. I remember waking to your thrashing. I'd never seen you cry before my love; forgive me my shock? I kissed your tears away, salty on my tongue. You said I washed the sadness from you. I asked if anything else needed a tongue bath? Then I saw you laugh for the first time too. You're beautiful when you laugh my darling. As when you smile. Quatre's smile on Heero's face.
There were nights when you screamed, nights when I screamed too, not in ecstasy but in pain. We've killed so many. My love, is that why I can't see you? Why you torment me with your fleeting presence. Is this our eternal penance? I think maybe I shall never redeem myself. I've tasted heaven in you my love, now I shall be content in hell. Will you greet me there? We always did find paradise in flames… Though passion and fire vary, as much as both are heated.
I stand now in the doorway to our bedroom, but you know that. I feel your eyes upon me. Have you been watching long? Yes you have. Come with me.
You're sitting at the kitchen table. We're staying in a safe house, just us two. I make the breakfast humming softly, I can feel your gaze and I shiver. The scrape of a chair. You've risen, coming closer. The familiar tug in my chest, the heat of your body, so close and yet so far. You tell me I'm not stirring the eggs right. Your arms come about me and suddenly it's too hot, you aren't even holding me. I watch transfixed as you stir them, the proper way. I don't realise I'm leaning against you until you whisper in my ear. No, not whisper, you saved your whispers for later darling, just your usual quiet tone, asking if I'm ok. I nod; I don't trust my voice.
Weeks later you said I'd done the eggs perfectly; you only wanted to be close to me. Oh my love, come close to me again… but no, it fades. The bedroom again; more memories. Where next my darling?
I'm standing on the ladder. White t-shirt and shorts. Blue paint stains everywhere. You even have it on your cheek darling. Old jeans and a grey t-shirt. I remember it; you looked sexy in anything my love. You're smiling, coming closer. Playfully I bash the tip of your nose with the roller. You looked so startled love, so utterly adorable for a moment. Then you pounced. I shrieked. It was good we hadn't got the carpet yet. It took a week to get the paint from my hair. You thought it brought out the blue in my eyes. Does it still?
It's cold without you love; the world seems empty now, you were my sun. Now you've set and the world has become eternal night. No stars shine, bring me the stars my love. You have before. Do you see?
I couldn't. You had me wear a blindfold, guided my footsteps precisely. You liked to be precise love. Until I made you lose control, I liked that. But no, I'm off course. I was blindfolded. We climbed gradually, carefully, a ladder beneath my fingers. Your hand at the small of my back to steady me, make me shiver. We clear something, later I realise the roof edge, cold wind against my skin. The blindfold is removed. Your arms come about me, warming me and I relax against you. You've given me the stars.
How could you leave me darling? You were my strength when I was weak, you were my voice when I couldn't speak, you were my eyes when I couldn't see, you saw the best there was in me. Who sees the best now darling? The tears fall more heavily now, spattering from my chin. Kiss them away like you always did.
No response. More tears. I wonder if you are watching me. It's dark in here now; time passes so slowly, and so suddenly. Come back to me love, I beg you. There's no sight of you from my window. A disturbance of air behind me. I call your name… A silent echo my only reply.
I close the curtain, rings rattling on the pole. That sound, so familiar; so strange without you.
You're sitting on the bed, music playing softly. Always softly for you. I stand before you. I feel naked. I soon will be. Your eyes rake my form; I blush, moving to the music. It's your birthday. My shirt slips off my shoulders, slides down my arms, falls to the floor. I promised you. Undo the button, the zip. You lick your lips. I feel hot, attractive; no one else makes me feel that way. Over my hips, undulating, down my thighs, I writhe, past my knees, I step out. You're hungry now darling, I can tell. Hook my fingers into the waistband. You sit up a little. Slowly peel them down, baring myself to you. As they fall to the floor, I step towards you. You can't wait and now I'm in your arms, crushed to you, feeling how warm and alive you are.
I fall to my knees. You aren't tangible if you're there. You can't catch me. I can't feel you. One more lie. My heart, I think it's breaking love. Tears burn trails down my cheeks. Darling I miss you, come back.
I shiver; my clothes are gone. I stripped for you again my darling… Should I be scared I got so lost in my past with you? It's my only way to live now. Is that so wrong? I know you'd understand; I know you do. You're here. I have to be talking to someone.
I find my feet. It's difficult. My legs defy me, I shake, tremble. This is all I am without you love. For a while I'm silent, breathing in still air. I long to see you before me my love. Rising, unsteady, I walk. One step before the other. I remember this, before you. Soldiering on it was. One foot before the other. The bathroom door. Through I go, grope blindly for the cord. Ding, and there's light. A memory assaults me.
The gentle lapping of water. Sponge on skin. Soft murmurs. Your lips pressed to the nape of my neck. A flicker of tongue and I melt for you darling. We were fresh back from a mission, together, when I still belonged. Mud splashed skin; you cleaned me slowly. You knew what I'd seen. You knew I'd quit the next day love. Soft touches, warm water, melting; you saved me that night, every night.
Who will save me tonight darling?
A flash of silver. The tiles chill my feet. Dare I? So alone without you, darling. I reach out, clutch my escape. Love forgive me, I'm nothing without you. My face upturned, harsh light; I close my eyes. The tears flow, heavy and salty. Down my cheeks, roll along my throat, slide over my chest. Touch me, save me.
One quick movement. Fire in my veins, darling how it burns. I condemn myself to hell; meet me there? Spattering, hot and salty, not my tears. Another stroke to seal my fate. Darling, just wait.
I'm coming home to you now my love.
I open my eyes. Look down. I'm sorry darling. The blood, it stains; I never thought of that. Fingers uncurl and my destruction drops with a clatter. I turn, weakened already. You're on the bed. I can stagger that far my love, to be with you.
Flames lance along my forearms, burning and delicious. You told me how to do it properly once. It was just an interesting fact to you love. Did I get it right? I lay down beside you; the pain recedes. You vanish, no darling, come back. We'll be together soon. I'm coming home to you now my love. Forgive my weakness, but you're my only strength. I'm coming home to you now.
I lay in silence, the clock ticking. Tick. My vision swims. Tock. Sounds distort. Tick. The world fades before me. Tock. I can see you now my love. Leaning over me. Why are you crying darling? I'm coming home to you now.
Tick.
No! You're fading, darling come back; don't fade too. I'm screaming for you, can't you hear me? Don't fade. I'm coming home to you now.
Tock.
I feel your fingers against my cheek, you feel so good. I taste your tears on your fingertips. Barely see you now darling, where have you gone?
Tick.
Perhaps it was only I who died all along…
Tock…
To be continued…
Questions should be answered in the sequel/second chapter.
