So. I'm stuck home today, sick as a dementor in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. And since me being sick means I can't write taut, dramatic prose worth a hoot, I've decided to write a random oneshot! Just for the heck of it!


The Daily Prophet
July 14, 1994

Teenage Boys Arrested, Teacher Furious
by Rita Skeeter

Two teenage boys were arrested today after a brief visit to the Ministry of Magic ended in tears of fury- and quite nearly blood.

Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle, both 14, were taken into custody by a team of Aurors, led by Kingsley Shacklebolt, that happened to be passing by at the crucial moment. However, many at the Ministry said they would not have hesitated to do what Shaklebolt and his team did.

"It's disgusting," said Arthur Weasley, head of the Muggle Artifacts Office. "What those boys did today was inexcusable."

"I'm still in shock," Mafalda Hopkirk, of the Improper Use of Magic Office, said, shaking her head. "Why they would do such a thing is beyond my understanding."

Crabbe and Goyle were taken downstairs to the Ministry holding cells immediately following the incident. Whether or not they will face time in Azkaban remains unclear.

"A little quality time with the dementors would do them some good, I think," said Lucius Malfoy. Malfoy, a former member of the Hogwarts Governing Board and current consultant for the Department for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures, has long associated with the parents of the boys in question. "Not long, mind you, but a few days couldn't hurt."

"I think it's hilarious," his son Draco, 14, said when questioned on the incident. "I just wish I'd had a camera."

The boys' parents were unavailable for comment.

Crabbe and Goyle, for their part, seemed puzzled when arrested, and kept repeating "What'd we do? What'd we do?" according to witnesses.

Shacklebolt reportedly answered their question with customary tact: "You flashed a statue, that's what you did!"

Despite being caught in the act, both boys maintained their innocence. A few minutes of questioning produced a name and potential scapegoat: Minerva McGonagall.

McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress and Transfiguration teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was far from amused by the situation. When asked for her part in the incident, she too claimed innocence. "When I told them to expose themselves to art, this isn't what I had in mind!"

Crabbe and Goyle remain in Ministry custody. A hearing is set for next week, in one of the minor courtrooms. The choice of room was quite important, Shacklebolt explained: "A few courtrooms have art in them."