Prelude: Auditions
Set just before the first day of Survivor of the Smash, the contestants first had to audition for their spots in Smash Bros Melee, and a few were lucky enough to sneak into the opening of Brawl auditions. The rest were either brought in by popular demand, or just got lucky. Others got cut, and some just got…unlucky. These are the auditions!
[This chapter is technically optional. Feel free to read anyways!]
Captain Falcon raced in his Blue Falcon, diving out of it as it plunged off a cliff and blew up, all to look cool. Falcon looked in awe at the gigantic building above him. It was a giant warp pipe, with the Mario cap at the top resting on top of a giant Nintendo symbol. He saluted the building and shed a tear in patriotism.
Falcon: It's time this falcon flies, to renew his fallen F-Zero series! Rising to the opportunity, I have arrived at the crack of dawn! First to stand before these massive doors-
Falcon almost tripped over a tent planted right at the door, and none other than Roy poked his head from out of the tent.
Roy: Oh, another Nintendo icon! Wow! This is amazing! Me! With Falcon! Awesome!
Falcon slammed him a high five, then asked in curiosity.
Falcon: Finally someone with passion! But…how long have you been here for?
Roy: 1 week! Yeah! I'm ready! Uwaaaaah! Uwaaaaaah!* (The sound he makes during a Star KO)
Falcon: I can tell we're going to be best pals in this contest!
Next behind Falcon in line came Marth, who groaned at Roy and his over enthusiasm.
Marth: Juubun! Roy! That sound! Its ear piercing! Also, what's that smell?
Marth tried to serve as Roy's more cool headed companion, and was told by Ike to look after him during his auditions to make sure he didn't…get beaten up by anyone else.
Roy: Oh, hey Marth! I've been here for a week, living off of nothing but ramen! I couldn't risk showering, didn't wanna lose my spot!
Marth: But you got here 5 days ago!
Roy: Couldn't risk anything! I am first in line! First to win! I will be first for everything!
Roy burning eyes glared into Marth's.
Roy: Everything! Uwaaaaaaah!
Marth: *Sigh* shouldn't have taken you off your antidepressant.
It was true, for Roy was deemed "too boring" in his game in development by the practice crowd, and his fellow cohorts. So he decided to change that.
A few other faces came to the line up next. Fox and Falco came barrel rolling in on their Arwings, parking them in the parking lot next to the building.
Falco: 'Ey Fox, you're terrible at parallel parking!
Fox: You know what Falco? Personally, I prefer the ground!
They hopped out of their vehicles and gave a nod to Marth next to them in line.
Marth: Fire Emblem series, nice to meet you. My name is Marth.
They shook hands, and Game and Watch came dawdling in right after.
Falco: That's kind of neat, a 2D guy!
Game and Watch looked puzzled, and shook Fox's hand while looking at Falco and imitating a chicken.
Falco: I'm not no chicken! I'm a falcon! Let's hope this isn't a reoccurring thing.
Meta Knight and Kirby came next, battling each other with sword, almost crashing into Fox and Falco.
Kirby: Puyo! Taaah!
Meta Knight: Control. Meta Knight withdrew his sword and pointed to the crowd watching them.
Kirby raised his sword in protest, claiming Meta Knight attacked him first, but was quickly dismissed.
Marth: You two need to cool your jets!
Roy: Yeah! Like, wow! I can't! I'm here with all these big wigs! Uwaaaaaah!
Meta Knight glared, and looked at Marth.
Meta Knight: Normal?
Marth: Yep.
Kirby hopped up and shook everyone else's hands in line, offering a happy smile.
Kirby: Hiiiiii!
Falcon: Wow, he's adorable!
He waved to everyone, then gushed.
Meta Knight: Honestly.
Kirby stuck his tongue out at him, laughing knowing his cuteness would not be rivaled. And then he bumped right into Pichu and Pikachu.
Pichu: Pichu!
Pichu's eyes grew so big, Kirby was taken aback.
Pikachu: Pika Pika! Pikachu patted Pichu's shoulder proudly, and more contestants poured in. Wario came next, along with Waluigi on the handlebars, trying to park his motorbike next to the Arwings…before wiping out and trashing his bike and the Arwings.
Fox: Dude! You just wiped out our Arwings!
Wario: Wah! Better have insurance! We're so rotten!
Him and Waluigi clapped noses.
Waluigi: Yeah! Yeeeeeah! Final two right here!
Fox: Easy votes?
Falco: Easy votes.
Link and Zelda came by on Epona next. They parked Epona next to the smoldering heap of vehicles, and hopped off. Ganondorf teleported by darkness right after they arrived in line.
Zelda: Really? Just my luck!
Ganondorf sneered, and offered everyone else a cold, bone chilling stare. Waluigi scratched his nose. He pointed at Waluigi.
Ganondorf: After Zelda and Link, you're next.
Waluigi: Waaa! What did I do!?
Luigi came riding in on Yoshi next.
He tried parking Yoshi next to Epona and the smoldering mess, before Yoshi whacked him with his tongue.
Yoshi: Yoshi! [Yeah, no. I'm not a vehicle driven for your eternal slavery. I'm taking part in this dump of a contest.]
Luigi waved shyly to Link and Zelda, who acknowledged him back with a smile.
Zelda: He's kind of cute, hey Linky? Almost as cute as you a few days ago as a wee little kid. So adorable!
Link sighed, glad he played his ocarina of time a few days prior and aged from Young Link. Luigi blushed madly. Yoshi offered a nod to Ganondorf.
Yoshi: Yoshi. [Sup.]
Sonic, Mega Man, and Snake came in next hitching a ride on Sonic's plane borrowed from Tails, which he parked in the parking lot...unsuccessfully as they barreled out just in time. Epona galloped away in horror before the collision. It blew up and joined the flames of the rest of the vehicles.
Sonic: Woah! Tails is going to be piiiiiiiissed bros!
Mega Man: Thanks for the ride man!
Snake looked at the wreckage in front of him.
Snake: Can't anyone park around here?
Fox: Me and Falco did! Blame that fat yellow guy and his lanky friend!
Wario and Waluigi waved ahead.
Wario: Hi, how's it going? Hahaha!
Yoshi looked at the trio in disgust.
Yoshi: Yoshi Yoshi Yoshi! [Great. Filthy 3rd parties.]
While Kirby and Pichu were trying to out cute each other [Pichu was rolling on the ground, playing with a ball. Kirby was dancing]. Mewtwo, and DK Junior came in that order to the line. Mewtwo looked around, analyzing everyone, sizing them up.
Mewtwo: Mewtwo. Mewtwo Mewtwo.
Yoshi: Yoshhhh. [Wonderful, a stupid one word Pokemon too! Can the crowd get any better?]
Mewtwo, who could read Yoshi's language, sent a telepathic message to Yoshi.
Mewtwo: Ahh, the Yoshi's species. Living in the terrain on Yoshi's Island. Ideal for beheading followed by a roasting for optimal flavor. Remove the tongue first after chocking him with it. In short, this is a cover. If you say a word, I'll act on my cooking techniques.
Yoshi gulped.
Yoshi: Yoshi! [Can't you take a joke! Yeeeesh!]
DK Junior stood at the back of the line next to Mewtwo, holding a letter saying " I came instead of Dk. He was lazy." He looked clueless. He was always clueless. Why was he even here? Finally, Zero Suit Samus came in with her spacecraft, parking it successfully on the rest of the broken down vehicles. It's massive size was certainly intimidating, casting a shadow on everyone else. It made Pichu cry.
Roy: I can't wait to meet whoever is in there! They must be so cool! Like everyone else here! I can't believe it, me, Roy, with all these All Stars! So amazing! Guwahaha! Uahahwaha!
Falcon groaned and held his helmet in irritation.
Falcon: Dude. Take a chill pill!
Marth: See? He gets to you. He gets to everyone.
Out from the spacecraft stepped Zero Suit Samus, who had everyone's eyes fixated on her.
ZSS: Haven't you seen a skin tight suit on a curvy lady before?
ZSS looked at the crowd drooling over her. Well, except Ganondorf. Zelda didn't look impressed either.
ZSS: Ok then…
ZSS sat at the back of the line, and Stanley the Bug man flung open the doors to the building, slamming Roy in the face.
Roy: Ow! My nose! I'm bleeding! Aaahhhhhh!
Stanley looked at the smelly mess below him.
Stanley: Don't stand so close then!
Stanley cleared his throat, and talked to the characters eager to audition.
Stanley: Welcome to your chance to participate in Survivor of the Smash Nintendo! One of you can become the mascot of Nintendo? Sounds thrilling huh? Ok so step on in!
Roy blasted into the building on auto pilot, trampling Stanley.
Stanley: Ow! Dammit! Falcon sped right after Roy, trampling Stanley again.
Stanley: Ok, let me get up! Marth helped Stanley up, brushing himself off.
Stanley: At least some of the girls here had some class.
Marth: Thank you- what?!
Marth grumbled and walked in, followed by Fox, Falco, Game and Watch, and the order continued until he got to Pikachu and Pichu.
Stanley: Nope, sorry. Only need one electric rat here! I'll take…the smaller one. Will be better for ratings.
Pichu hopped in the air in glee as Pikachu walked away in sorrow. Pichu was so very happy!
Mewtwo: Mewtwo. Mewtwo. (Oh, I have this rock in my pocket after my archaeology work. I don't need it.]
Mewtwo threw the Thunderstone over to the ground. It landed next to Pichu, This caused him to evolve to Pikachu!
Stanley: Well then…that was completely pointless then. Just get in already.
Everyone else walked in with no problems, but Stanley glared at DK Junior as he walked in.
Stanley: Daddy couldn't show today eh? Ha! Too lazy I bet!
DK Junior handed him the letter, with those exact words from DK.
Stanley: Oh. You're no fun! Wait, it says he's just arrived in the building too? For crying out loud…
Stanley grumbled and almost shut the door, not before Bowser came crashing in on his Koopa Clown car into the pile of vehicles (also blowing up ZSS's ship) and diving into the door.
Bowser: Dammit! I was just trying to be fashionably late!
Jigglypuff, who slept in for auditions, came flying in also came flying in, just making it through the door.
Stanley: Honestly? Don't you people know about Game and Watches? To tell time? Is there anyone else I should be waiting for?
At that moment, both Ness and the Ice Climbers came rushing in. The Ice Climbers flew in on their pterodactyl while Ness came by taxi. Ness hopped up and down, apologizing to Stanley.
Ness: Sowwy Mester Stanwley ser! Eye hid trublez feyending dah playce!
Stanley looked at him oddly as he rushed by in haste.
Stanley: Well, he's kind of pleasant. Looks like an earnest kid. The Ice Climbers, on the other hand…
Nana: Hun, couldn't you have left the glacier sooner?
Popo: Oh, I'm sorry one of us isn't strong enough to make it to the top!
Nana: What? I dragged you half way up! I told you we had to make these auditions today you blue hooded jerk!
Popo: Now we're playing the color card eh? You think you're sooooo much better!
The two continued to bicker violently as Stanley just backed off in silence, before finally closing the door.
Stanley: Yeesh. They need some serious therapy.
Now, at the top of the Nintendo building (After a very long elevator ride, with Roy annoying everyone on the way), the competitors stood before the judges, who would choose who and who wouldn't make it into the competition. Mario and Peach were the judges, speaking now to the eager crowd. Donkey Kong also chose to judge instead of participate, because he was too lazy.
Mario: What a diverse crowd of participates! Wouldn't you a say honey?
Peach: Yes Mario, my love. I can't wait to meet them all!
DK: Then, can we go to Banana land?!
Mario sighed, slapping his head.
Mario: There is no a Banana land! We go over this every a day!
DK blinked for a moment.
DK: …So tomorrow is good?
DK was, for lack of a better term, very stupid.
But loveable! Mario then stood up from his Mushroom shaped desk, and address the crowd.
Mario: Welcome, to the a Survivor-
Mario heard a creak as he fell through the boards below him a bit.
He put on quite a bit of weight from Peach's cooking and retirement. His weight rivaled Wario's.
Mario: Mama Mia! Again with the a breaking board!
Peach: I have the butter…oh dear.
Marth: That's just disgusting.
Roy: It's amazing! Wow! The Mario! He fell through the floorboards right before my eyes! It's amazing! Uwaaaaaaah!
Ganondorf grabbed Roy by the scruff of his neck.
Ganondorf: Shut up. Before I kill you. Right here. Now.
Roy: Omg! Ganondorf is threatening me! The Ganondorf! Wow! Excitement star struck overload! Uww-
Ganondorf started to choke him, before Mario popped out of the floorboards and chucked a fireball at Ganondorf's hand, dropping him.
Mario: No a killing contestants!
Mario mumbled under his breath.
Mario: (Whatever happens in game though is not under my legal jurisdiction…)
Mario cleared his throat, and spoke loudly again.
Mario: Welcome to Survivor of the Smash: Nintendo! You will all be auditioning for spots to participate in this contest! We are looking for about 25 contestants, more or less.
DK: 25? That's only one more than 24, the highest number I can count to!
DK Junior waved to his dad in front, who looked at him awkwardly.
DK: Who's that guy?
Mario: Fortunately, some of you won't have to audition due to your high celebrity status. The following are automatically participating: Kirby…
Kirby performed his victory dance on the spot, making Meta Knight's eyes glow red.
Meta Knight: Composure.
Mario: Next, Fox!
Fox: Yeah!
Mario: Link.
Link held his sword up in victory. Zelda clung to his arm lovingly, Ganondorf sneered.
Mario: Yoshi.
Yoshi: Yoshi! (About time you ingrates recognized I'm better than you all)
Mario: Pikachu!
Pikachu let out a burst of electricity in victory. Things were just going his way today!
Mario: Captain Falcon.
Falcon: Awesome! I've only had about 3 games…but awesome!
Mario: Jigglypuff, Ness
Ness nodded his head in satisfaction. Jigglypuff was, big shock, sleeping.
Mario: Aaaaand…I guess ZSS fills the requirements. Kind of. She's hot, I'll let it a slide.
Peach: Did I just hear that correctly Mario? You are sleeping on the couch tonight!
Bowser hollered from the crowd.
Bowser: Ha! Enjoy the doghouse tonight you fat Italian!
Mario: Goombas! Anyways, you might noticed all of these characters were on the original Super Smash Bros roster! So, as veterans they got some free passes. Hope you all understand!
Sonic whispered to Mega Man.
Sonic: What a jerk.
Mario: You're on thin ice as it is 3rd party!
Snake shot a glare at Mario.
Mario: Anyways, the rest of you have to audition for your places, so we'll go according to the line up. First-
Luigi: Mario! You missed me! What about me! I'm on the original roster!
Mario: You are? Oh…uh. Yeah, of course I a knew that. Don't worry, I would never let my little bro get excluded from the opportunity of a lifetime!
Luigi: Aww thanks big bro, I-
Mario: I do have a 10 coin bet with Peach saying you're out before day 2 after all. So you kind of have to participate since you a turned down host position prior.
Luigi: You think I'll be a out first?! Oh. Such a loving brother…
Mario: Yes, now a hush! We'll a go down the line for auditions. You must get 2 out of a 3 judges to say yes! Everyone else, go sit in the waiting room!
The rest of the contestants sat in the round Smash Bros symbol circular room, while names were called on the intercom.
Mario: First, that guy with the red hair. Uh…
Roy threw himself in front of Mario, starting to do spastic, stylish moves. Peach: What is your name and game origin hun?
Roy: Roy! Roy! Rooooooooy! Fire Emblem sir! Uwaaaaaah! I am taking to THE Mario! THE Peach! THE Donkey Kong!
Donkey Kong: I'm talking to THE Roy! Wow!
Mario turned his head to the overgrown ape.
Mario: Do you ever a know this guy?
Donkey Kong: No.
Mario: Anyways, your game hasn't even been released yet according to our a records. You don't technically exist. So I don't a know…
Roy threw himself at Mario's feet, kissing his shoes.
Roy: Please please pleeeeeeease! I will be the greatest mascot ever! Bleh your shoes taste like Goombas!
Peach: He has heart Mario, let's give him a chance!
DK: I mean, he's a celebrity!
Mario: Fine, you're a in the contest. Just a tip though…
Mario pulled a pill out of his pocket.
Mario: Take a chill pill. People don't care for over excitement.
Roy smacked the pill away and squeezed Mario in a hug.
Roy: Thank you thank you! Uwaaaaaah!
Mario: Now, head to the room ahead, help yourself to Peach's cake and Falcon Punch!
Roy joined the original 12, who gave him high fives all around.
Roy: This will be the best! Me, here with THE Falcon! THE Jigglypuff!
Luigi: Also THE Luigi?!
Roy: Yeah, Luigi.
Luigi's mustache drooped.
Mario: Next, Marth!
Marth elegantly walked into the room, brushing his hair back.
DK: She's hot! Expand D-
Mario: No. This is Nintendo, don't even a go there!
Marth: My name is Marth.
DK: This is awkward.
Mario: The original Fire Emblem protagonist, nice credentials! But do we really need another Roy?
Marth: What? I'm nothing like Roy! I'm actually somewhat composed until that maniac!
Mario: I'm just a kidding, you check out as a solid, viable candidate for host. You got a my vote!
Peach: Mine too, love your hair!
DK: J-Just go!
Marth cheered and joined the rest of the accepted contestants. He watched as Kirby was busy devouring all the food.
Marth: Is he going to share some of that?
Kirby happily devoured morsel after morsel, until Marth tried plucking a fried Cheep Cheep chip, almost losing his hand to the pink puffball.
Kirby: Mine! Puyo!
Marth: Yikes! He's cute when he's not gorging himself.
Mario: Next, Falco! Falco walked into the room, kicking his blaster like a hacky sack.
Mario: A 2nd rate clone to Fox. Hmm…
Falco: Why does everyone have to call me that? I don't do everything Fox does! I have my own ambitions, my own goals!
Peach: Aww, he has goals Mario. Let the guy in.
DK: He also looks like a chicken. And chickens are pretty funny!
Falco: I'm a Falcon! Damn it! Watch me, for the first time I won't coattail onto Fox. I'll make it far.
Mario: Ok, you got our votes, head on through.
Falco went on through to the ACCEPTANCE room, where the rest greeted him.
Fox: Hey Falco, try this cake! Falco glared at him, right in the eye.
Falco: Personally, I prefer the punch! Falco took a sip, satisfied at his independence.
Mario: Next, Mr. Game and Watch!
Game and Watch dawdled in, poking a bug crawling across the ground before presenting himself in front of the judges.
Peach: He seems a little…unmotivated.
Mario: Hmm…hold the phone. This character is the oldest Nintendo character in history!
Game and Watch gave him a thumbs up.
Mario: I got to respect someone around longer than a me. You're in.
Peach: I think he'll be fun to watch, yes!
DK: He looks like a banana, sure!
Mario turned his head to DK.
Mario: Everything looks like a banana to you, damn dirty ape!
Game and Watch joined the rest, and Mario called in Meta Knight next.
Meta Knight: Here.
Mario: Uh…hi?
Meta Knight: Hi.
Mario: He's the silent type. Maybe someone can relate to him for views. I don't know about him…
Peach: He seems too dark for a Nintendo company. I'm going to have to say no sorry!
Meta Knight saw Kirby snickering over in the ACCEPTANCE room.
Meta Knight: Grr…
Mario: Ok, I think we can use a darker edge. He'll probably get voted out soon anyways due to his lack of social skills.
Meta Knight: What?
It was all up to DK now.
DK: Hm…your sword and eyes are yellow, like a banana. I'll say yes.
Meta Knight: Really?
Mario: He's kind of a stupid. Lucky you! If your eyes or sword were orange, he would have probably said no.
Meta Knight bowed and joined the others, hoping to avoid more close calls. Kirby snickered at him again.
Meta Knight: Kirby!
Mario: Next, Wario!
Wario: I got this!
Wario threw the door aside holding the rest of the contestants in, and walked on in.
Mario: Dammit Wario, that door was part of the a company for 25 years!
Wario: Aren't I rotten?
Mario: To think I've become as fat as a you…
Mario looked at himself in despair.
Mario: Oh Arceus! I've become so damn fat! Whyyyy!?
Mario began stuffing himself with a cake that Peach baked for him as she rubbed his back.
Peach: It's ok Mario, I like men large and in charge!
Wario: Uh…so how about me?
Peach: No! Just go into the accepted room, you've upset my husband enough!
DK: Rock on man, you wear yellow.
Wario shrugged and waddled forward, next was Waluigi.
Wario: I've softened them up for ya! Wahaha!
Waluigi: Everyone's been getting accepted, I have no doubts! Wahahaha!
Waluigi busted in munching on an eggplant, and Mario snapped back to attention before lurching back in fear.
Mario: What in the world is that?!
DK: Kill it with fire!
Waluigi: It's Waluigi time! Too bad!
Mario instantly pulled up Waluigi's information online, and shook his head.
Mario: You have NO main games under your belt, and you exist as a clone of a clone. Err…I don't want you in.
Peach: Sorry hun, you don't look very friendly for children.
Waluigi: Waaaa? But you let Wario and Meta Knight in!
Mario: But they have actual experience in real video games. You don't a technically exist!
DK: Sorry man, but you're just not that original.
Waluigi's mustache drooped, and started to turn away. Wario called from the accepted room and yelled out.
Wario: Waluigi!
Waluigi turned, and Wario grabbed him in a giant bear hug, squishing the lanky purple man. They looked at each other teary eyed.
Wario: I'll win this for us. Then, we will get a game together, and sell billions! It'll be called the Wario and Waluigi series, and it'll be just rotten!
Mario and Luigi: Uhh…
Waluigi wiped his nose, and sniffed.
Waluigi: You can do it brother!
They high fived, and Ganondorf laughed as the purple man was the 2nd rejection of the day [After Pikachu #1]. Waluigi looked outside the building, and stared at the plane. He then snapped.
Waluigi: Vote me out that easily eh? Well, I'm back now, by…fan demand! I will win! I will become the mascot of this smelly company! Wa ha ha! Wa ha ha!
Waluigi flew into the back of the unattended plane (the Toads were on coffee break), and looked around.
Waluigi: I know the perfect hiding spot!
Waluigi sat right in the front row, kicked up a seat, and turned on an in flight movie, "There will be Brawl". With the volume full blast.
Waluigi: No one will ever notice me! Not even the flight attendants noticed Waluigi sitting in plane sight, who were Krystal, Fawful, and Samurai Goroh.
Krystal: Something smells like rotten eggplants.
Fawful: It's more delicious than a carrot boiling in the desert covered in mustard!
Goroh groaned as he cleaned another chair.
Goroh: I can't wait until my shift is over.
Mario: Yikes, we can't expect someone without a single game under their belt to run this company. Honestly! Next is…Zelda!
Before Zelda went out of the holding room, she brushed her hair, batted her eyelashes, and then…stuffed her bra with some tissues in the corner.
Ganondorf: Try all you want, you won't make it in.
Zelda: Just shut up you overgrown brute!
Mega Man: Man! Woman! Can't we all just get along?
Ganondorf: Mind your business, third party.
Mega Man: Oh…that hurts man.
Snake stepped on his cigar and growled at Ganondorf.
Snake: Say that one more time, bud.
As the squabble was about to escalate, they were drown out by the arguing of the Ice Climbers.
Nana: Why don't you listen Popo?! If we got here earlier, we wouldn't have had to wait this whole time!
Popo: It's always complaining with you isn't it? It's a little hard getting here early when we're always climbing up bloody ice mountains all day, and then wait for a damn orange bird for hours on end because the stupid thing gets lost in the snow storm!
Nana: I thought you liked ice climbing though…it's our romantic activity!
Popo snorted in disgust.
Popo: Not every damn day! It's all people know us for, "Oh look it's the Ice Climbers climbing that ice as usual ha ha ha!" I have a PHD dammit and all we do and climb bloody ice! I'm sick of it!
Nana's lip quivered.
Nana: But we need to climb mountains, or else we'll lose our jobs and end up in total obscurity!
Popo: Maybe if you had some other talents, we could branch into something else!
Nana began to cry.
Popo: Oh here comes the waterworks!
Sonic tapped Popo on the shoulder.
Sonic: Uh, dude? Could you ease up a little on the word battering skillet?
Popo: Oh, look. Another one of your boyfriends now?!
Nana: You jerk! I never cheated on you!
Popo: And it begins!
Nana: Maybe I should just find my own game!
Popo scoffed.
Popo: You're nothing without me! Nothing! As a matter of fact, you'd just disappear! Remember Melee? Yeah, that's what I thought. That's what I thought!
Ganondorf and Snake then turned to the bickering Ice Climbers.
Ganondorf and Snake: Shut up!
The Ice Climbers promptly gulped and slumped back into the corner. Snake then turned his back to Ganondorf, tired of arguing.
Snake: …You win this battle, but not the war.
Ganondorf: Whatever. Like I'm going to take advice from a 3rd party.
Meanwhile, Zelda was just finishing up her audition.
Zelda: So, Mario c-…..cutie.
She struggled to say this, given Mario's recent massive weight gain.
Zelda: Give me a spot in the competition? I do have top billing for the series, after all.
Mario: I like her, I like her a lot! In!
Peach: Mario, You're sleeping on the floor if you keep this up!
DK: Ooooooh, do I get the bed then?!
Peach sighed.
Peach: I don't like her…but she does play a substantial part in the Legend of Zelda. You're in.
Ganondorf was called in next, shoving Megaman aside who was leaning on the door.
Megaman: Once I defeat Toast Man, you're toast…man!
Ganondorf stood there, tapping his foot impatient.
Mario: The main villain of the Zelda series. An impressive status! But no playable appearances prior…hmm…
DK: He's almost as pointless as that nemesis of mine, King K Rool! Woo, has he been living in the dumps-
Ganondorf swooped over and picked up DK by the neck with his dark choke.
Ganondorf: Don't you ever compare me to that worthless obese crocodile, got it?!
Ganondorf dropped the ape on the ground, leaving him gasping as he walked into the ACCEPTANCE room anyways, leaving no judgement from the judges.
Peach: He can't just do that! Go stop him Mario!
Mario stuffed a cupcake in his mouth and talked through his puffy cheeks.
Mario: Do I look in a shape to stop that guy!?
Peach turned to DK, who merely squeaked in protest.
DK: Err…I'm stupid!Yeah, that's a good lie!
Peach sighed, and Mario called in the next auditions.
Mario: The 3rd parties! Hurry a up!
Snake: Oh you got to be kidding me.
Sonic: Speed may be my game, but that generalization is lame!
Bowser laughed and nudged Mewtwo on the shoulder.
Bowser: Bwahaha! 3rd parties, who needs them?!
Mewtwo: Mewtwo. Mewtwo Mewtwo.
Mewtwo secretly thought to himself how much of an imbecile Bowser was, and turned his back to him.
Mewtwo: (Fascinating how the typical archetype of slow witted and big stature applies to this brute. Will note for future endeavours.)
Mega Man, Snake, and Sonic walked through to the room and stood in front of the judges.
Mario: If it isn't my arch rival Sonic! Now looks who's at the a top!
Sonic: Yeah yeah, at least I can still run dude!
Mario: Well I have your a faith in my hands! Snake, you're too violent to be here. Sonic, your a games aren't what they used to be. Megaman…I got nothing against ya. You got my vote.
Snake: But I can teach people patriotism, to be proud for their accomplishments. To fight for their rights. A true soldier sees the odds stacked, and overcomes them. They trek on, to the last breath. They call to the night, when the day is no longer there to guide them. They-
DK: They go to Banana land!?
Snake: What? No! You ruined the speech!
Peach: Sorry Snake, he has an IQ for 45. Anyways, I thought that was a nice speech. How about you Mario?
Mario: Yeah, fine. Don't make me a regret this!
Snake proudly walked into the ACCEPTANCE room, and Sonic and Megaman stood.
Mario: I changed a my mind. No. I don't want any a more a third parties here!
Peach: But Mario hun, they have a lot to offer!
Megaman: Come on man, we're both washed up! Capcom's been giving me the boot for ages!
Sonic: And I haven't had a quality game in ages dawg!
Peach: Awww, poor guys!
DK: They have it worse than my one son who is auditioning today! Err…what was his name?
Peach: Err…Diddy Kong?
DK :That's it!
In reality, it was DK Junior.
DK: You get a yes for me guys!
Peach: Me too, welcome and I hope you find opportunity in this contest guys!
Mario snorted like a pig, while Megaman and Sonic clapped hands.
Mario: Next, Mew-
Bowser busted in instead, sick of waiting.
Mario: Do the a villains have to be so abrasive?
Bowser: It's my turn, Super Lardio!
DK couldn't help but snicker a bit.
Peach: Oh no, he's going to abduct me again! Kidnapping me so much, it became a second life for me! What will I do!?
Mewtwo rolled his eyes from behind the wall, now that the door was replaced by helper Toads. Although the room was soundproof, his telekinetic powers let him hear right through.
Mewtwo: [That women is in truth, afflicted with Stockholm syndrome.]
Bowser: You know you liked it babe! That cage now has air conditioning in it, and cable!
Peach: Ooooh, and that tea set I requested for next kidnapping? I mean, don't let him in Mario, he's a monster!
Mario: Hmm…truth be told, he won't have a time to kidnap Peach in this contest. Saves me lots of moving. Ok, you're in.
DK: I have to respect someone who is a villain too, like myself at one point. Gooood times.
Bowser grunted and walked into the ACCEPTANCE room. He glared at Kirby, pointing at the cake on the table.
Bowser: Give me that, you've had enough!
Meta Knight: Oh no.
Kirby's sweet smile turned into a frightening face, showing a hidden set of razor sharp teeth as he started to attack Bowser.
Bowser: Dammit, ow! You can have the damn cake!
Mario: Almost done…then lunch. Best part of the day.
Peach: What about our cuddling time?!
Mario sweated nervously.
Mario: Ok, Mewtwo now!
Mewtwo floated in, crossing his arms. He then sent a message to the judges via his telepathy.
Mewtwo: [I am Mewtwo, pokemon 151. I am the alpha and the omega. I will utterly obliterate with my mental prowess. I also yearn to analyze everyone, and add their info to my Pokedex.]
Mewtwo whipped out his Pokedex, only it has an extensive amount of information on anyone's mind he scans.
DK: This guy is OP!
Mario: No no, we need someone who can be a big threat in the contest to spice things up. You're a in!
Peach: Also, I love kitties, you look like a big overgrown cat!
Mewtwo: [I am not a cat!]
DK: It's ok, people often think I'm an ape. Really, I'm a rhino!
Mario: No, Rambi is a rhino, you're an ape!
DK: Rambi is the ape! Learn your geography, duh!
Everyone facepalmed.
Mewtwo: [I swear I just got stupider from reading your thoughts DK]
Nonetheless, Mewtwo floated into the ACCEPTANCE room.
Marth: So, things went well?
Mewtwo: Mewtwo.
Wario: Ahh, he's stupid, no threat here!
Mewtwo decided to keep up his charade, for now, to not look like a threat.
Mario: Finally, just the Ice Climber's left!
Peach tapped his shoulder, looking at the list.
Peach: You forgot DK Junior.
DK: Who's DK Junior? Must be a typo!
Peach: Oh my…
Mario: Ok, DK Junior, whoever you are, next!
DK Junior curiously walked into the room, staring at the judges blankly.
Mario: He's kind of a boring.
DK: That's my son!
Peach: But you didn't even know him 5 seconds ago!
DK and DK Junior scratched their heads in unison.
DK: That's my son!
Mario: Well if he's as stupid as his dad, he should be good comic relief, right?
DK Junior picked a bug off his shoulder.
Peach: I hope you're right…I'll say yes, for potential purposes.
DK: He's my son, of course he'll be interesting! Guy's a real talker at home, trust me!
Mario: Fine fine, the boring 2nd rate DK is in!
DK Junior blinked, then walked on in with the rest of the cast.
DK: Seriously, why did we let that random 2nd rate version of me in anyways?
Mario: Are you serious!? Just send in the Ice Climbers, I'm done a judging!
Ice Climbers finally came in, and offered a sweet smile to the judges.
Nana: Hi Mr. Mario and Ms. Peach. Also Mr. DK.
Popo: We are auditioning for a spot in your competition. We are a bit retro, but with age comes wisdom, right?
Peach: Aww, these kids are cute!
Popo blushed under his parka.
Popo: Thank you ma'am, coming from a cute women like yourself!
Nana snorted under her breath. Popo's smile turned to a frown.
Popo: Ok, what now?!
Nana: You would like it if other women called you cute. Then you do it back!
Popo: Well geez, it's called strategy by buttering up people! We need to use strategy during this game. Look it up sometime!
Nana: I have more strategy in my left pinky then you do your entire oversized head!
Popo: Reality check, we basically look the same!
Peach: We're in the middle of an audition here-
Nana: So you're saying I'm just a copy of you? I've never been so insulted!
Popo: Maybe I did! Who cares!?
Nana began to bawl.
Nana: I thought I was different! Now I just feel like I have no identity! Why Popo why!?
Popo: Then do something about it, grow your hair out or something!
Nana: Why should I have to change you oaf?!
Mario, Peach, and DK slowly got up, and walked into the ACCEPTANCE room, before shutting the door shut. The Ice Climbers never even noticed.
Mario: 24 a contestants. That should work. I wanted 25, but I'm not letting those a mental Ice Climbers in!
Everyone nodded their head in agreeance.
Peach: Most of you guys made it in, congrats! Mingle for a bit everyone, we will be leaving shortly!
Stanley the bug man also walked in, announcing to the crowd.
Stanley: I will also be your host! What do you all think of that?!
A few murmurs were heard, but not much of a reaction at all.
Stanley: Grr…well, at least I recognize you, DK Junior. Yep, me and your father go way back, he caused me quite the trouble!
DK Junior nudged his father on the shoulder in confusion.
DK: I don't know who he is either.
Stanley: Seriously? Gaaah! I'll be in the plane!
Stanley stormed off into the plane, while Mario stuffed his face at the buffet, much to Peach's dismay.
Mario: Move over Kirby, its lunchtime!
Kirby: Puyo!
Meanwhile, everyone else conversed a bit.
Falcon: Do you like challenges Roy?!
Roy: I love challenges so much I'm exploding from hype! Me, in Survivor of the Smash! With Falcon! Uwaaaaaah! Uwaaaaaaaaaah!
Marth: You're making that noise again Roy, stop it!
Falcon: Yeeeeeah, think I'm going to go talk to someone else now.
Falcon ran off, and Marth tapped Roy's shoulder
Marth: See, not off to a good start. Don't want to be out first, right?
Roy: First?! I can make fire! Woooooooo!
Meanwhile, Ness twiddled his fingers nervously, until Fox came up to him.
Fox: What seems to be eating at you partner?
When Ness spoke, he had a bit of a speech impediment.
Ness: Eye donut no eff peopill whill leike mei!
Fox: Uh…run that by me one more time.
Ness: Eye am ay litill sheye!
Fox just nodded his head, pretending to understand Ness. Link then started err…talking to Game and Watch.
Link: Hai!
Game and Watch: Beep!
Link: …Hut!
Game and Watch: …Beep!
Link: Say-ah!
Game and Watch started to drift off, staring at a bug on the way. He had a very short attention span.
Link: Ahhhh!
Ganondorf laughed from the background while leaning on the wall alone at Link's dismay.
Zelda: Shut up Ganondorf, he's more of a man than you are!
Ganondorf: Yet he has the language skills of a 4 year old. Ha!
Zelda growled, as Meta Knight also strayed from the rest of the contestants.
Meta Knight: Pointless.
Meta Knight in truth was more or less dragged to auditions by Kirby's constant pestering to socialize more. He didn't want to really be here. Meanwhile, Snake was chatting it up with ZSS.
Snake: So, where's your armor?
ZSS: I forgot it on the ship, unfortunately.
Snake: I see I see. Snake went and lit up a cigar, to ZSS' disgust.
ZSS: Come on, that's gross and bad for your health.
Snake: I'm still holding up fin- Snake then went into a violent coughing spree, disgusting ZSS.
Snake: …I'll think about quitting.
ZSS then decided to back away, and Pikachu hopped into her arms.
ZSS: Aww, he's so cute!
Pikachu: Pika pika! Pikachu nuzzled himself into her body and fell asleep.
Snake: Suck up!
Pikachu grinned behind ZSS' shoulder at Snake, sticking his tongue out. Kirby meanwhile, finally full from eating, decided to talk to Ness, who was sitting alone outside on the patio after closing the door behind him.
Kirby: Hiiiiii!
Ness: Oh! Ay fyend! Naimes Ness! Eye ahm jast ah bet shi becauz off meye anxietee!
Ness shook his hand, and Kirby smiled back. Jigglypuff then decided to walk up to them. She started to inhale deeply.
Jigglypuff: Jiggly?
Kirby blushed by her presence.
Ness: Hai derr! Wut do yu wint toh sai?
Jigglypuff then began to sing.
Jigglypuff: Jiiiiiig jigglypuff, jiggly, jigglypuff!
Within those moments, both Kirby and Ness were fast asleep, snoring as Jigglypuff looked upset and walked away. Mario shouted to the others as he was outside in the plane.
Mario: Ok, time to go everyone, single file!
Everyone began to rush out of the building, eager to get the best seats on the plane. The last person to exit though was Ganondorf, who looked behind him and saw Ness and Kirby asleep on the balcony outside. Smirking, he grabbed a chair and stuffed it against the door, and then shut the blinds.
Ganondorf: Have a good sleep. Muwahaha.
Ganondorf laughed as he walked out of the building, just as Ness and Kirby began to wake up [With Kirby drooling on Ness' shoulder.]
Kirby: Waaaaah!
Ness: Halp! Whee arr suock!
Everyone else boarded the plane as DK did a headcount on his checklist while Mario ate a mushroom.
DK: We got Zelda, Mewtwo, the 3rd parties…
Sonic: Yo! Stop calling us that dawg! That's discrimination!
DK: Sorry, bad habit from Mario!
Mario then finished his food and turned to DK.
Mario: Ok, how much contestants are on the plane now? That everyone?
DK: Yep! That's 24! Derp!
Mario: I'm trusting you on this, are you sure?
DK: Relax Mario, even I can count up to 24!
Mario looked uneasy, but trusted him anyways. He gave a thumbs up to Stanley, and then he waved goodbye along with Peach as the plane took off. DK then turned to Mario and grabbed a barrel.
Mario: What are you a doing?
DK: Come on, for good old times!
Mario sighed and groaned.
Mario: Fine, I'll hop over it!
DK flung the barrel over his head, only for Mario to stand in place as the barrel bounce off his gigantic stomach, making Mario wheeze.
Mario: Ok, I'll lose a some weight.
There were 3 flight attendants on board to cater to the contestants needs, Samurai Goroh, Krystal, and Fawful.
Falco: Krystal?! You work as a flight attendant?
Krystal: Well…yeah. I don't get enough work under the Star Fox genre, I needed a 2nd job.
Fox meanwhile, starting drooling over Krystal.
Fox: Krystallllllllllll.
Krystal: Hello to you to Fox.
Samurai Goroh meanwhile slammed a drink into Falcon's coaster. He was like Falcon, very competitive, expect he was rather angry compared to Falcon's upbeat attitude.
Samurai Goroh: Falconnnnnn!
Falcon: Gorooooooooh!
Roy: Maaaaaarth!
Marth turned to Roy in confusion.
Roy: I just wanted a rival like all the other cool guys!
Goroh sneered as he also, was out of work in the F-Zero series.
Goroh: At least you have Smash Bros to help keep you on your feet. I had to take up this job to make ends meet!
Falcon: The day we beat Mario Kart is the day we see work again, I swear it!
Finally, Fawful poured a green bean drink for Luigi, as Luigi kicked back his feet.
Luigi: You just had a game not long ago as a main villain. Why are you a here?
Fawful: Because I was promised more beans than a cactus saving millions from heat exhaustion!
Luigi: Oh yeah, I forgot you were an oddball.
Fawful: Odd? I'm as normal as a Nabbit during a high jump competition!
Fawful was to be blunt, insane.
Stanley, who was now in charge, looked at the copy clipboard and noticed two names missing.
Stanley: Oh you got to be kidding me, we're missing Kirby and Ness! The ape must have counted wrong! We can't do this with 22 contestants!
Stanley began to panic and sweat, before he clicked his fingers as he looked at the three attendants.
Stanley: Hey, washout attendants! You are now competitors in Survivor of the Smash, got it?
Goroh pumped his fist in victory, Fawful cackled maniacally. Fox squealed louder in excitement than Krystal.
Stanley: We're almost here everyone! Get ready to begin!
Bowser: Time to dominate the competition!Well, as soon as I can get rid of this back pain.
Bowser stood up and stretched his back, only to find Waluigi stuck on his shell.
Bowser: Gross, mold!
Bowser opened up the window and flung the scrawny purple man out of the window, as Waluigi plummeted into the forest of the island below.
Stanley: Welcome everyone, to Survivor of the Smash! Let the games begin! Who will win this competition?
Roy: Meeeeeeeeee!
Stanley: Quiet I'm speaking! Anyways, who will win? Tune in to find out!
Cuts: Original Pikachu
Waluigi
Ice Climbers
Ness
Kirby
