"Want to put my tender heart in a blinder, watch it spin around to a beautiful oblivion." – Eve 6 – Inside Out
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The Doctor was done.
The moment he closed the door to the TARDIS, soaking wet from rain, he moved to the consol and flipped a few switches in unsettling silence. The TARDIS wheezed as it dematerialized before silencing.
He then collapsed to his knees and screamed. He screamed for everything he had lost, for everything he had seen, for everyone who had died. But mostly, he screamed for Donna.
He didn't know why he kept doing this, why he kept taking on companion only to have them rip his heart out. Of course, they didn't mean to, often he put them in the situation, but still. Why did he even allow himself to get close to them? It only hurt in the end.
His chest constricted painfully as his breath caught in his throat, momentarily choking him. He felt as if he were drowning in this giant sea. For a while, he had been alright. He had Donna, who was just what he needed. A friend. A best friend. She was what he needed to pull himself from his depression that ate away at his mind till he felt like ripping his hair from his skull, till he felt like screaming at the world. But now she was gone, and it was as if he was drowning all over again.
He wanted to die, but he knew he couldn't. He was the last of the Time Lords. He was the only person willing to heal time. He was the only person capable of healing time, of protecting the earth. He couldn't let these civilizations fall.
In all honesty he loved Donna, not like he had loved Rose, but like a sister. His favorite sister. The sister who knew exactly what to say at exactly the right time. The sister that made him do the right thing, even if it went against the rules. The sister that made him better. The sister that died because of him. Everyone always died because of him.
He let out another gut-reaching scream, tearing at his hair and allowing himself to completely break down. He couldn't stand it, this silence, this emptiness that was eating away at his soul. His whole body ached, and he wanted to curse the world. The way Donna pleaded with him to stop when he began to wipe her memories chilled him to the bone. She didn't want to go back to her old self, her old selfish self. She had changed so much, become such a better person, and now she was…
He didn't finish that thought, but he didn't have to. the tears came harder as he pressed his forehead against the cool metal grating of the TARDIS floors.
And Rose...why didn't he take her back? Because he wanted her to be happy. He knew what would happen to Donna, even then, but he let Rose have her own human Doctor and her own family.
Just once, he wished that he could be selfish. Just once.
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This…was really hard to write. Not in the sense of 'wow, I don't know what to write next' but more like 'I don't know if I can do this without breaking down'. I sued a lot of personal experience and memories to get his reaction. And it's kind of scattered because I think, when you're so distraught, you don't have linear thoughts. They're all a big mess and full of tangents.
Please review.
B.E.N.
