The Ambiguous Sexuality of Sasuke & Other Odd Tales
As Narrated by Jonathon Shale
An Introduction
If you are looking for a love story, you need to head back to bar, down a few beers, and then try again. Now, if you are looking for a written love story, oh please, you can simply waltz back over to the search button. I'm just saying. On the other hand, if you not entirely looking for a tale of a perfect-hah-love with plenty of steel abs and improbable sex acts, but you would enjoy to see a mildly interesting group of people stumble around blindly, flailing their arms, and hoping that they hit that one special person, discovering that there's more than one of those, and wondering what in the world everyone else is thinking, you have reached your destination.
Now that you have made it to the second paragraph, you will be introduced to our Cast of Varying Degrees of Sympathy, CVDS- that is pronounced cah-veds -for short. Note that there is a very high chance that you will not like some of these characters. I dislike a fair few myself. I do hope you will give them a chance beyond this brief introduction, however. It's only fair.
I believe that you are all aware with the source material, a ridiculously long running manga series by the name of Naruto, correct? It is with this titular character that I will begin the introductions with. Naruto Uzumaki is a blonde, blue-eyed boy who is one of the few characters in the series who looks as if he has ever stood in the sun for more than five minutes. He doesn't know when to shut up, and he rarely has any inkling of knowledge as to the romantic events swirling around him. He is very well aware of the lack action occurring in his ninja village, however. Oh, and his parents are dead and stuff. I didn't really want to mention it, since it's become a rather humongous cliché, but hey, a guy's got to do what a guy's got to do, right?
Naruto's best friend and rival is Sasuke Uchiha. A few years ago, they got into a bit of a fight, and Sasuke left to sort out his priorities for a while. Those priorities were somewhat skewed, though, but since his genocide plans didn't pan out like he wanted them to, he took a trip to a ninja hospital to again, figure out his shit. A few months later, he returned to Konoha as a mostly recovered mental patient. He still retains his antisocial tendencies, and he is not held in such high regard as he used to be. This is a side effect of going bat-shit crazy on his hometown. On a side note, he really should see someone about his hair. I don't think I could live with hair that unnaturally angles itself to one side and never looks like anything but a bad case of bed head. I guess I am in the minority here, since many male members of the CVDS are stricken with this epidemic. Oh right. His parents got killed, too. This screwed him up a little more than Naruto, though, if you haven't noticed.
Sakura Haruno can never make up her mind, and when she does, her choice is generally the one that will cause the most grief. Whether she does this on purpose is unknown. It might have something to do with her pink hair or her remarkably large forehead. This may cause the bouts of violence she gets sometimes, too. She has been torn between the same two guys for three years, which I think is completely and totally ridiculous, but your mileage may vary on that one. I feel like it's necessary to add that she is a large tea drinker, too, and she enjoys talking to her friends about her problems in the local teashop.
Unfortunately, Ino Yamanaka often finds herself caught in some of the same situations as Sakura. With her habit of explaining her feelings in a vague, roundabout way and being a siren of mixed signals, it is no wonder that she leaves most people in a whirlwind of confusion. It doesn't help that she enjoys wearing the minimum amount of clothing required in the ninja guidebook. Since there has been a general deficit of mass murderers lately, she can be found working her parents' florist boutique when she isn't spending time with her good friends and teammates, Shikamaru and Choji.
Choji Akimichi is, to put it frankly, fat. He insists on being called "big boned," but I will not be taking him up on that offer. Narrators get special privileges, after all. Choji is extremely loyal to his best friend, Shikamaru, and the type of soul who will take a lost puppy home just for the sheer goodness of it. He is never seen without some sort of snack, mostly the ones grocers try especially hard to sell because the shelf life lasts forever, and no one wants to stare at that gross stuff forever. Seriously, once I bought this Twinkie, and it did not age a bit for the eight years that it sat under my bed. I threw it away when I found it.
If Shikamaru Nara could lie on rooftops all day, he would do it if his spiky ponytail didn't stab the back of his head. Shikamaru is incredibly intelligent and incredibly lazy. For a few years, he learned to shoulder responsibility, but in this lapse of nefarious activity, he has fallen back into his old ways. He usually can be seen being troubled with social activity-as it such a drag-and the complications it ensues, or discovering shapes in clouds.
Sai is a painter who defines the phrase "socially awkward." If you thought that Hinata, Sasuke, and Lee were bad, just wait until you meet this guy. He's not entirely original in his insults-who makes penis jokes besides eleven year old boys?-but he gradually has begun to discover that he can be a douche. His brutal honesty can be a gift, though, but it generally works against him.
Hinata Hyuuga is the byproduct of bad communication and worse luck. After confessing her unrequited love to Naruto, she was ignored for a couple of months and became very depressed and not a little reclusive. He remembered her with a few jabs from Shikamaru, however, and they dated briefly. Only two months of bliss were Hinata's until Sasuke slipped back to town and Naruto slipped out of her fingers. Three months later, she is still dangerously in love with him, but has been afflicted with an even more crippling shyness.
Kiba Inuzuka, Hinata's teammate, has snapped a tree in half with his teeth when he has gotten angry. Which happens a lot. Nearly anything will irritate him, particularly anything involving Naruto Uzumaki. He cares deeply for his dog, Akamaru, his vintage parka, and his fellow teammates. Impulse is the reason behind most of his actions, but oddly enough, he rarely regrets them.
I do believe that Shino Aburame qualifies as the most mysterious of our entire cast. Even I don't know much about him. Really, all I can tell you is that he doesn't talk much, doesn't feel much, and has a terrifying way with bugs.
Rock Lee wears a green body suit, legwarmers, and a fanny pack, all while sporting a bowl cut of ludicrously shiny black hair. If it turns out that he didn't fall out of an 80s exercise video, I promise that I will become your average third person omniscient narrator and leave you alone. Really. Anyway, Lee is remarkably good at what ninjas call "tai jutsu" but we call it kung fu. He has an odd sense of humor and is very forward about his feelings. He admires his sensei, Guy, greatly, but he currently is focused on a very different goal.
TenTen only has a first name, which is an obvious reminder from the author of the original work that she is not important. I feel a bit sorry for her, so I will try to make her a little more of a real character, but only if it's okay with you, of course. She used to be attracted to pretty boys until she had a particularly memorable epiphany in which she realized that she is not a main character, therefore no one who is mildly attractive in the eyes of the general public will fall for her. Therefore, she has lowered her physical standards and found herself a target that is not out of her reach.
It's odd how in all of our CVDS, it is Neji Hyuuga that wins the prize for best hair. It is longer than any of the girls, and somehow he doesn't have to put any work into it. Neji spent most of his youth playing the whole you-can't-change-fate-unless-you're-me-and-sneaky-about-it game, but then Naruto called him on it, and so he came out of his philosophical closet. Neji tends to be a bit smug and has what could qualify as an inflated ego. He truly wishes the best for his friends and encourages their relationships, though.
Ayame works at the local ramen shop. She always has the best of intentions, but when she deals with long days and her boss constantly sending her creepy at best letters, she has a temper almost as short as Kiba's. This girl doesn't really believe in love. She can't help but feel an inexplicable attraction to a boy who passes by her shop every day, despite her conclusions on the whole messy feeling.
Kakashi Hatake has become a father figure of sorts to the young ninja. He also functions as therapist, mentor, and occasionally a stand in for whoever is unavailable at the time. A sigh always escapes him whenever one of the teenagers begins to babble at him about their problems. He would much rather read his porn book, but to be honest, who wouldn't? He tends to put up with the young people, though, as he is acutely aware of his days as a hormone addled teenager.
With that mountain of exposition out of the way, I believe that it's time for their stories to begin.
Author's Notes: I am having way too much fun writing this. It's very different from what usually write, and I hope that it is enjoyable for you, too. Any concrit would be appreciated. Thank you so much for reading!
