So… I'm going to post chapter one now, just like that. I finished four chapters so far, but it took me quite a long time to write them and I don't have much time at the moment, so I can't really tell you when chapter five will be up- at least I can promise that you will get the first four updates daily.
About this story: it's not much, and it will earn its rating in the LATER chapters, so don't get impatient :D… or scared. But this story will be rated VERY M, so if you don't like that, better not start.
I still think that, sadly, season six will be the last. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's what I believe. And: I think Heller breaks the whole team up in the second half of the season to break the whole team up, which makes sense: Wayne and Grace want to get married and can't do that inside the CBI. Cho has been more than capable to lead his own team for a while, Jane will need time to heal and was never really into this cop-thing anyway, and even for Lisbon, it might just be over- that was hinted at when she had lunch with Haffner and he described what the job would be like without Jane… we all could see that this is not what she wants. And: Lisbon isn't really "the law" any more after all the years, she has betrayed her principles more than once for Jane, so I think she's not 100% behind it any longer. I think she will leave CBI with Jane… and that's what this story is about.
In this fic, Jane has killed Red John… I somehow still hope he won't, but I wanted to play around with it. I would prefer if someone else would shoot him- maybe Lisbon, but the best would be Cho, in my opinion. But, as I said- here, it was Jane.
I just hope I'll be able to write a little over the next few weeks- I'm awfully busy. But: I will do anything I can to finish this before the new season starts, promise!
Now- enjoy. I hope it's any good.
Disclaimer: I don't own "The Mentalist", and I don't make money from fan fiction.
Soul Searchers
Chapter 1
Emptiness. All that remained was a vast emptiness, covering every aspect of her life.
Teresa Lisbon prodded the cream-colored carpet with the tip of her shoe, staring down in glum despair. The fabric was worn in places, and for every little spot, she could tell exactly why.
Ten years of life. Of tears, of laughter, of grief. Of hopes and fears. Of endless loneliness. Of secretly being in love. Ten years of Patrick Jane. Gone.
The rooms were empty now, she had effectively cleared them, purging her past along with furniture and clutter.
It was time to go.
Time to leave all of this behind her. Time to start a new life.
She closed her eyes on a soundless whimper, swallowing the next round of tears. Fact was, she didn't want this life any longer, but she had never been a coward, so chickening out now wasn't an option. She would just take it as a social experiment. Grieving female, middle-aged. How very fascinating.
Jane had smiled all the time, ever since he had announced he would leave CBI for good. A hurt, begging smile, she would never forget it. He had tried to make it easier for her, had been a model consultant, not causing a fuss, after she had covered his traces. His mind had already been on the future. And then, he had been gone.
After that, Bertram had waited exactly two days before he had fired her, and she had well seen it coming. And the things she had done to catch Red John were a joke against what Bertram didn't even know- she could be glad that the agency hadn't pressed charges against her. Without Jane, their golden boy, Bertram had seen no reason to keep her. And she probably wouldn't have stayed anyway.
A sense of deep sorrow whispered inside her heart.
She had no idea if there was someone in Jane's life, and thinking about it hurt so much she wasn't willing to do that to herself again. He was gone. She hoped he was happy, coming to terms with what had happened. Nothing else mattered, and she had stopped mattering much, too.
For the last time, she opened her door and went outside. Her hand trembled when she pushed her key into the lock, sealing the gate to her past. New people would move in here soon, and it already didn't feel like hers anymore.
Turning, intent on not looking back, she crossed the street, so slowly a snail would have been able to run her over. The huge motor home on the other side waited for her like a little cave she would be able to hide in, and she was grateful that she had purchased it after all. For running was all she could do.
She had spent the months since Jane had been gone learning how to repair this car, every free minute, reading books, finding people to tutor her, piling up tools and spare parts, preparing herself for life on the road. She had mobilized every cent of money she had, sold everything she didn't absolutely need, and was surprised at how much had gathered over the years… well, that was an up, at least: empty lives didn't cost much, so her salary hadn't done much but piling up on her bank account. Life insurance, money from her apartment's sale and a sizeable heritage she had never touched- she collected what she could spare. She just needed to get away, there was nothing more important right now.
He had smiled all the time, and her hands had itched to touch him, just once, before he vanished from her life forever. Just this once. But as always, she had been the dutiful best friend, and when she had said her goodbye to Cho, the only one still left of the team they once were, her tears had already dried.
She entered the oversized car, climbing the driver's seat like a tree that would bring her out of reach, into an illusionary safety that might keep her alive for now. She touched the steering wheel, everything so big, and wished she could just shrink and shrink until the sorry rest of her would evaporate into a thin grey mist.
She had no tears anymore. So why was it her cheeks were wet?
With a sigh she turned the key in the ignition and let the motor's sound flow into her bones. As the streets went by, her Sacramento, the place she had once called home, she felt her tears drip onto her throat and still did not really know where she took them from.
She felt empty. Too empty to house even a speck of memories.
Xxxxxxxxxx
Endless hours later she needed to use the bathroom, her arms ached, but she just had to go on.
For the first time, she managed to see the world with Patrick Jane's eyes, and it was beautiful. The desert was gorgeous, and it was the place where she had always wanted to go since she had learned that he would indeed leave, that what they had was over for him. Over with the death of Red John. She blinked, not wanting to think about that, about how the serial killer had died, about what had happened afterwards. The pain clotted her nose.
She stopped when it was dark, hating the sense of utter loneliness like a little child would, or a soul so used to it, being on its own started to taint its very heart. She waited for a few seconds, right in the middle of the street, letting the silence seep in.
Deciding not to leave the car, she drove it into the security of some dry bushes nearby and wasted several more minutes just sitting. Where was she? What was she doing here? She closed her eyes and immediately saw Patrick Jane's apologetic smile… yes, he had been sorry. Sorry to hurt her again. But he'd had to go. She had felt his restlessness.
And he had told her he wouldn't be back. Pain made her heart contract.
She was almost out of power and would have to reach a trailer park soon, so she just left all the lights out and groped her way to the back in utter darkness, finding her bed on instinct, simply discarding all her clothes on the way. Naked, she crawled into the bunk, made for two people and surprisingly spacious. Her chest closed again, making breathing hard for a second.
Sleep eluded her for a long while, and when she finally dozed off, she saw sea- green eyes and a smile that seemed to whisper "I'm sorry", and when she tried to reach Patrick Jane through the mist he blew her a kiss and was gone. All that remained was the echo of her own voice, crying for him.
Looking at her reflection in the morning, she found her face wet and tried to see it as another scientific observation. Crying herself to sleep. Good thing her team didn't need to see her like this, good thing nobody could see her. Her team didn't exist anymore, and she would finish her life alone.
Venturing outside, finding herself unable to eat anything anyway, she took a few minutes to bask in the slow winter warmth of the South, feeling the faint, prickling sensation it left on her skin. She wasn't scared to take a deep breath, dry air rasping deep into her lungs.
Time to start driving again, she needed to recharge the batteries, or her empty fridge would start to run out of power. Her stomach rumbled sickly, but she couldn't bring herself to eat anything. Brushing her teeth cleared her mind well enough, and ten minutes later she was on the road again.
The light was as red as the dry earth, and Lisbon watched the crippling sadness inside her as if it didn't truly belong to her, had invaded her heart like a dollop of syrupy tar, clotting her veins and arteries until all she could see was blackish despair. There was nothing left of her but that, and still she felt a sense of confusion, as if the derangement of her life seemed like a strange story unable to happen in real life.
How could that have happened. How could she have fallen in love like that. She hadn't even cared about the job. Not compared to the way she had cared about him.
Shaking her head, she forced herself to abandon the thought. It was idiotic to make everything worse, an indulgent pastime that wouldn't help her. She wouldn't allow this to destroy her. If she was meant to suffer, she would suffer in dignity. She needed to stop the car, tears blurring her vision.
Only a few miles. A few miles to what? There was no new life waiting for her. She giggled helplessly, remembering her childish fantasies from before they had caught Red John. How naïve she had been. And look where she was now.
Loneliness formed a bubble inside her, threatening to eat her beating heart. She swallowed and found her mouth dry and papery, the unwanted tears having drained her. Not granting herself the time for a drink, she started the car with brisk, effective movements. Only a few miles to the trailer park. She could drive fast if she had to.
Xxxxxxxxxxx
Patrick Jane eyed the perfectly prepared Sirloin steak in front of him without even a hint of an appetite, wondering for the umpteenth time what the hell he was doing here. This was supposed to be freedom, wasn't it?
So why did he feel caged, strange, detached from everything around him?
CBI had called him about twenty times by now. He hadn't bothered to call back, knowing what was behind it. More money, another even greater team, maybe a well-meant attempt at blackmail. He couldn't care less.
Strangely, Lisbon hadn't been among his callers, not once. Had she dismissed him that quickly? She had been sad when he had left, he had felt it, and it had hurt him more than he dared to admit.
Lisbon. His heart clenched violently, and he chuckled humorlessly, scaring the other guests around him.
This was supposed to be freedom. But he felt nothing good.
Women kept hitting on him, and he didn't want any of them. He'd tried at first, desperate for normalcy and something totally new, but even kissing had seemed unthinkable, so he had stopped. Sometimes, he even stopped being polite. The brilliant sunlight hurt his eyes, there was nothing easy about this. Obviously, his life had always been more over than he'd thought.
He didn't want to eat, his stomach hurt, so he pushed the plate away from him.
His heart was a swirling mess of longing and regret, and he hated it, hated the vulnerability, the weakness. He didn't miss work in law enforcement, he couldn't get far away enough from gore and killers. But he missed her. He had always wanted nothing but her. And he had been too arrogant to admit it, had rather run than risk love again. As if he'd ever had a choice.
He shook his head out of the glum stare he had adopted. She was a color of his past, it was time to search for a future elsewhere.
He paid for his untouched dinner listlessly, the tropical heat plastering his clothes to his skin. But paradise couldn't be where she wasn't, and she wasn't part of his existence any longer.
He spent another sweaty night inside his hotel room, rumpling the sheets in his frantic search for some rest. But whenever he managed to fall asleep, it was her face that kept appearing… not the beloved ones of his family. Just hers. He threw the lamp on his nightstand against the wall with all the force he could muster, reveling in the satisfying sound of shattering glass.
He got up, shedding his drenched pajamas, sitting naked in the darkness for a while.
Would Lisbon like it here? Nah, it wasn't her kind of fun. Too fake, and she would complain endlessly about the lack of decent beer. And he? He would run from one end of the city to the next to find her a brand she loved.
He smiled sadly, and it was the sadness that seemed to spread, until it filled his fingertips, the pores on his lips, the roots of his hair, making his scalp feel too tight. He couldn't go on like this. It hurt more than he had ever thought it would, and he realized he wasn't able to overcome it.
Only two ways to deal with it: go back. Or suicide.
He actually pondered the question.
Bertram would have a field day. But maybe he could woo Lisbon without working for the CBI? Meh, he would end up doing it anyway, just to seek her closeness, be with her all day. His heart made a happy little jump at the thought, and he felt the warmth from it like a hot shower on a freezing day.
Or kill himself? His life wasn't really worth much at the moment, and… what if Lisbon wouldn't have him? Not now, not tomorrow, not next year? If he had destroyed what had grown between them by carelessly throwing it away?
Damn, how he regretted that now! Regretted it every minute, every day, every shallow breath he took.
He brooded all night. But he had spent enough miserable months in the living hell of his mind, it was time for a decision, here and now.
In the end, he picked up the phone.
"Hello? I need a flight to Sacramento. As soon as possible, please."
TBC
