A Note from the Editor
I ended up having to look this over because I lost a bet. And trust me, for a draft what took a month of scribbling between battles to get down on paper, it's a bloody mess. I did my best to sort out what Soldier meant, but between his shoddy handwriting and the misspellings I was hard put to make anything of it. A lot of mistakes didn't get fixed because he got impatient a few days in, and as it wasn't very good and watching a grown man throw a tantrum is downright embarrassing I just gave it back as it was. If he asks you if it was any good just say yes for all our sakes.
CHAPTER ONE: BLABO HAS A PARTY
Once upon a time there was a place called Middle Earth USA. It was full of weirdos like wizards and midgets, and also there were these monsters called orcs. No one liked orcs because they were commies.
There was this other place inside Middle Earth USA called Hobbotown, which was where hobbots lived. They were really short and ate a lot. They were also lazy cowards that sat at home gossiping like grandmas instead of fighting commies. Some of them were more brave though, like Blabo Bimbins.
Balbo decided to have a birthday party for himself one day because he was getting really old, and he invited one of his weirdo friends named Galdorf. Galdorf wasn't a halbit. He was a grumpy wizard who thought he knew everything and was so special because he could do things like make fireworks and heal people and probably fly with his stupid wizard powers. Blobo put up with him because his fireworks were pretty good and he saved his life or something a long time ago.
Blazbo also invited some of his hombit friends who weren't too busy knitting doilies and collecting tea cups. One was his nephew Frogdo, because Frogdor was a good listener and liked listening to his war stories. He also invited Marry and Pimplin because they were always being little panty wastes and needed someone to teach them to be real men. There was also Sam, but Bombo only invited him because Sam worked for him and could cook good ribs.
The party was really good. Brambo made Sam cook a lot of tomato soup and ribs and some apple pie for everyone to eat, and Gnadelf made some fireworks to watch while they waited. Marry and Pumkin were smoking in the bathroom even though everyone said they were too little. So when Bimbo finally got up to give his victory speech, the only one really listening was Fordo.
"All right men! Today is the start of a new day! I am an old guy and probably really wise, so you should listen to me! Also it is my birthday you maggots!"
Frodon listened while everyone else kept screwing around. Sam was taking too long on the ribs and they were going to get dry.
"YOU ARE HORRIBLE LISTENERS!" he shouted. "WHAT IF I GOT MURDERED RIGHT HERE AND NONE OF YOU EVEN NOTICED?"
And then he got murdered right there and none of them even noticed. Well Fargo noticed, but no one ever really could tell what he was saying, so it took a long time for him to get everyone else's attention.
"Dumb coughs," said Galdaf, and everyone gave him a weird look because what does that even mean. "Everyone should get inside so I can tell you why Bardo got murdered."
