God, I missed him.
With my head resting upon his warm, boulder sized shoulder, that's all I could think. That's all I had been able to think for months. How much I missed him, and how thankful I was at this point that no one here could hear my thoughts. I squinted as the wind hit my eyes and I looked out onto the ever constant beach that was La Push. The small waves always crashing softly upon the rocks, no matter what time it was or what was happening in the world. This beach was always the same, and I liked that.
I lifted my head and glanced up at Jacob Black, the one I had chosen. He was watching the sun lower itself beneath the ocean line and say goodnight to the rest of the reservation. Then, his head turned downwards and he started playing with the fragments of rock atop the one we were sitting with a worried look furrowed into his brow.
"What's wrong, Jake?"
He didn't say anything. He placed a piece of rock in between his thumb and forefinger, looked at it a moment, pressed down and opened his hand. The tiny piece of rock has been diminished to gray dust. I watched the wind carry the powder into the wind. I looked back up at Jacob, but his head was turned away from me. I reached my hand up to his hot cheek, and tried to gently push his face in my direction. With his excess of strength and my lack of, he easily resisted. I slumped back down against his arm behind me, and put my head in my knees. Why wouldn't he look at me? Jacob was always rather blunt about his feelings, I don't know why this time would be any different. I didn't know what was wrong, or if anything was at all.
Suddenly I felt heat coming at me from all sides. It took me a few seconds to realize it was just Jake wrapping me in one of his heat engulfing hugs. I freed my arms from my sides and hugged him back. I loved the warmth that reverberated off him like nothing else in this world. The warmth that made my skin feel as if I was sitting in front of a crackling fire, that found its way to my core. The warmth that confirmed by love for Jacob Black, that he loved me, too. Most importantly.. that I had made the right choice.
After what seemed like eons had passed, he gave me a last extremely tightening squeeze, and let me go. He just sat there crouched on the large rock we were sitting on, and looked at me. His dark eyes were something that I could never fully understand, and I liked that. There was always more of me that wanted to know more about him, everything about him, and even that would not be enough. I loved Jacob, each of his imperfections that made him absolutely perfect to me. I watched his face as if it were under a microscope, and noticed when a slow smile began to creep up from his lips. He brushed the back of his neck with his hand, looking down again. He started to chuckle a little, like it was an inside joke only he could understand. Again he looked at me, this time like he was going to say something, but he shut his mouth.
"What is it, Jake?"
"It's just him." He said almost playfully, blowing imaginary steam out from his lips. I was so confused.
"What do you mean? Who's 'him'?"
"Him, Bella."
I almost shivered at my own name. He never usually called me 'Bella' unless it was something serious. I thought for a moment, and then it finally came to me.
"You cannot seriously mean.. Jake, come on. Don't be ridiculous."
"I'm not being ridiculous. You just. You - You don't know."
"I don't know what? What are you talking about?"
I paused for a moment to try and collect my thoughts. I knew who he was talking about. Edward. Just the name sent shivers down my spine. I shut my eyes and tried to pretend that Jacob was not talking about him. I failed.
"What about.." I stretched my throat as I wretched to get the name from my mouth, ".. Edward."
"Dammit, Bella!"
He slammed his fist down on the rock and sent a crack drilling down it's center, all the way to the sandy floor. I traced it with my fingers, trying not to shake, trying not to be scared.
"What did I do, Jake?" A sudden rush of confidence bellowing through me.
"I haven't talked to him, seen him, thought of him, let alone heard from him in a year! What is happening that is so horrible that you have to yell at me?"
Suddenly I sunk my head into my chest and felt as small as a grain of sand drowning in the ocean. All m confidence and self-assurance had vanished as I whispered aloud to him, "Did I do something wrong.. ?"
He let out a long, heavy sigh, heated with words I knew were not going to be good.
"Bella.. "
He looked up at the sky, as if summoning God to help him say this. It couldn't be that horrible. How could something awful have happened right under my nose? Was I that oblivious to the obvious?
"Bella, he's been writing you letters."
My eyes bulged as every muscle in my body tensed. My hands that had been resting on either arm gripped my skin so hard that surely I had left marks. A cold rush flooded my head and raced down back, to my leg, out through my toes. I didn't know what to think, what to feel. I couldn't find the words to speak. Then Jacob spoke again with a gentle touch to his rough voice, probably sensing the expression on my face and the way I couldn't move,
"He's been writing you letters since you.. since you left him. One. One letter. One letter to you every month since.. you know."
He stopped and looked at me, in my eyes. I could tell he didn't see anything. There was nothing to see. My eyes were as blank as a deer that had seen it's own death in those headlights.
