Well hi there. I haven't written a Grey's story for an age... Short from Arizona's pov and contains spoilers but reflects that Arizona's journey is a roller-coaster, and that the good man in a storm is rising from the sea... Enjoy.
"Do you miss me?"
"Of course."
"Just...not enough."
The words stay with me for the rest of the day. Who am I kidding? They are still with me now, weeks, months after. I was the one that said the separation was a good idea. Thirty days... I was being kind, three months... Six. What in the hell did I know? Why didn't I keep my mouth shut?!
Go back, change it, tell her you didn't mean it. Take it back. Except I can't...
It has been one thing after another with us, I feel like I am stuck on this never ending ride, round and round and round and... No time to stop from feeling dizzy and to take a step back, assess...instead it is constant. Blame, jealousy, anger, lust.
I don't want kids so we break up, madman shoots up hospital, we get back together. I get the Carter-Maddison grant, it is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I take it. In Africa. She stays here. It is what I have worked for, it is what we as surgeons, work for. The recognition. The glory. The chance to truly make a difference and leave a legacy. She would have dine the same thing. I would have supported her and been happy.
So I went, on my own, and I came back, for Calliope; she was all I could think of out there So I came back to Seattle, I left it all behind, only to find she was pregnant with Mark's baby. I never had time to process it, I came back for her and wanted to be with her, how would I have known she could have been pregnant? I love Sofia, more than anything. I would never change having her for the world. So we got back together and made a life together. We were great, everything was so good with us, and then the accident happened and I nearly lost them both... But we came through together, we got married. We became stronger than ever. We were awesome. Awesome.
And then came the plane crash and the leg and the baby and the cheating and the one-night stands and the blame and the guilt and the never ending tiptoeing around each other, and the blah blah blah.
It was a good thing. Really. It must be.
No, it is, it will be a good thing... I no longer feel like I am treading on glass around her. I feel I can express myself again, give my opinion and actually be heard. I feel she listens. I am learning to get to know myself again, and I kinda like me. I am different, who wouldn't be? But I am okay, even if I don't have wheelie-sneaks or butterflies on my scrub cat, but, these days I am doing things for the tiny humans that I could never have imagined when I first kissed Callie in that dirty bar bathroom all those years ago. That has to be worth something.
I can't see the future, will we get back together? I honestly don't know. The longer we spend apart, the less I can see it. I want her to be happy, whoever that is with. That is progress surely?
I know at the moment she is tired of me. Tired of us. Tired of the whole goddamn thing and I guess I am too.
I feel like myself again, and so does she. She laughs and looks happy. She smiles that radiant smile that lights up a room. I haven't seen it for so long, and the world needs lighting up.
As for me? I have my work. Whatever happens with Herman, I will make a difference in the world, and that is enough for now.
