All in the Golden Afternoon
"Let go of him!" shrieked Harley Quinn, leaping onto Batman's shoulders and wrapping her legs around his neck as she punched him repeatedly in the head. Batman hissed in pain, and then flung up his arm, where he held a struggling Joker by the back of his collar, slamming him into Harley and knocking her backward with a shriek. Her legs were clasped tightly around his neck, however, and she recovered herself quickly, resuming her punching. Batman slammed Joker into her again, loosening her grip.
"Hey…cool it…Bats!" chuckled Joker between each blow, laughing. "I know…Harley enjoys…being pounded by me…but this is…ridiculous!"
The final blow knocked Harley to the ground, and Batman threw Joker on top of her. His other arm held a shrieking and struggling Poison Ivy, who he now shoved backward into the hands of the Arkham guards, waiting with a straightjacket at the ready. Ivy was immediately restrained but still fought like a tiger to get free as the guards wrestled her to the ground. Batman then rushed over to where Two-Face was strangling Edward Nygma and ripped him off him, as another group of guards descended upon them with straightjackets. Batman ducked suddenly as Jonathan Crane flew past where he had been standing a moment ago and hit the wall, thrown by Killer Croc who now raced toward Batman, roaring. Batman jumped out of the way and Croc ran at full speed into the wall, knocking himself unconscious. Crane struggled to his feet, gasping, and then kicked Croc. "Idiotic brute…" he snapped, before he was knocked to the ground and restrained.
Batman stood slowly up, looking around. "Is that everyone who's incarcerated at the moment?" he asked Dr. Leland.
She counted the prone, incapacitated inmates, frowned, and then counted again. "We're missing one," she said. "Jervis Tetch."
"Jervis is still in his cell," growled Crane. "He didn't come to breakfast."
"Why not?" asked Dr. Leland.
Crane shrugged, or as much as he could shrug in a straightjacket. "He didn't say."
"He must have said something," retorted Batman.
"Indeed he did. He said he had no inclination to join us at breakfast," retorted Crane.
"And he didn't tell you, his friend, why?" demanded Batman.
"He did not," replied Crane. "And being his friend, I respect him too much to pry into his business. If he wanted to give me any reason for his absence, I am sure he would have. Otherwise it's none of my concern."
"I'm so sorry we had to make you come all this way, Batman, but we've never had anything like this before, and the guards couldn't handle it," explained Dr. Leland.
"Who started the fight?" demanded Batman.
"Who always starts the fights?" snapped Ivy, furiously. "His Eminence the Clown Prince! Because he thinks he's so goddamn funny!"
"What was the gag this time, Joker?" snapped Batman. He didn't receive a response. "Joker?" he repeated.
"Hang on, Bats…clown's got my tongue," giggled Joker, managing to pull himself away from Harley's mouth for a moment. She instantly drew him back down to her, wrapping her legs around him.
"Look, just get off of her!" snapped Batman, ripping him away.
"You dumb jerk!" shrieked Harley. "You get us all excited by beating us up and then interrupt us in the middle of things?! It ain't right to do that to a gal! You ain't any kind of gentleman!"
She slapped Batman across the face, just before the Arkham guards bundled her into a straightjacket. Batman held Joker up by the collar. "What started it?" he demanded.
Joker shrugged. "Wasn't even my best gag, if I'm honest, Bats. Eddie Nygma made up some stupid riddle about Harvey's face, so Harvey told Eddie where he could shove his riddles, and then Pammie said that we were all a bunch of children sometimes. And I said she was the most well-developed child I had ever seen, and she punched me in the face. So then Harley attacked her and things escalated from there."
Batman dropped him to the ground where the guards pounced to restrain him. "You are a bunch of children sometimes!" he snapped. "A bunch of self-centered, irresponsible, violent children, and you need to grow-up! You've all been relatively unhurt by me, but if this ever happens again, I'm going to beat each and every one of you to within an inch of your life!"
"You're such a tease, Batsy!" chuckled Joker.
Batman seized him by the hair and slammed his face into the stone floor. "I'll see you later, Dr. Leland," he muttered, storming from the room.
"You big bully!" shrieked Harley after him, struggling to get free and over to Joker, who was laughing hysterically as blood poured from his nose. "Are you all right, my poor, precious, puddin'?"
"Yeah, ain't the first time he's broken my nose," chuckled Joker. "One of these days he'll break it back to its original position, but it might have to travel around my face first!" he laughed.
"Take them all back to their cells, and keep the straightjackets on," sighed Dr. Leland, leaving the room and rubbing her temples.
"Well, you were lucky, Jervis," sighed Crane as he was returned to his cell. "You missed quite the ridiculous rumpus at breakfast."
There was silence from the neighboring cell. "Jervis?" repeated Crane. "Are you all right?"
"Why is a raven like a writing desk?" muttered Tetch.
"I…don't know," replied Crane slowly.
"Nor I," sighed Tetch. "Nor I. I haven't the slightest idea."
And there was silence. Crane cleared his throat. "You'll forgive me for prying, Jervis, but you seem more…enigmatic than usual. I mean, I expect the Alice quotes when you talk to the others, but when we converse, you know you can speak plainly…"
"Don't mention her name!" Tetch hissed suddenly.
"Oh…I'm sorry," said Crane, puzzled. "You don't normally mind talking about…"
"I've received some very dreadful news, Jonathan," murmured Tetch. "Very bad. Very bad indeed. Almost as bad as it always being six-o'clock, and time for tea. But there is no tea, you see, Jonathan? Not a drop of tea left now."
He was silent again. "Is there anything I can do to help?" asked Crane gently.
"No, no, impossible to help," sighed Tetch. "Almost as impossible as…love."
He sighed deeply and then said, "I shall stop speaking in riddles – it's very rude, you know."
"I don't imagine Nygma thinks so," retorted Crane.
"It is rude because it forces people to consider a conundrum," continued Tetch. "And life is full of so many conundrums already. It is bad manners to introduce more. I daresay there is no room for them."
A moment later, a newspaper was slipped between the bars into Crane's cell. He read the page that had been folded over, or at least, all of the text he could make out that hadn't been smudged with tears.
Pleased to announce the wedding of…Alice Pleasance and William Dodgson…scheduled for Saturday afternoon.
"That's her," whispered Tetch. "That's my Alice. And this Saturday afternoon, she will be lost to me forever."
"Oh…Jervis…I'm so sorry," murmured Crane.
"I knew she would never be mine," he whispered. "Deep down I knew…she would never come back. Did I ever tell you about Alice?"
Crane was silent. "No, I don't think you ever have," he replied. "Not the entire story. All I know is that the ending is an unhappy one."
"Yes, and what happens in a story doesn't really matter," sighed Tetch. "People are only interested in how it ends. It does end, as you say, unhappily. When I used to work for Wayne Enterprises, Alice was my secretary. She was…so beautiful. And so kind. Always ready with a smile, always interested in my day, and my research. I don't think the child quite understood it all, of course, but then who can? It didn't matter. She was sweet and patient and for a few, blissful months, I allowed myself to hope that her interest in me was not a purely professional one. But then…he came along. Billy. Some brutish boor of a man, handsome, oh yes, but with no intellect, no manners, who treated her like…well, he never hit her to my knowledge, but she came into work many times upset with him because he had shouted at her and argued with her. His adoration of her came nowhere near my adoration of her. I worshipped the ground she walked on, and he saw her as…I loathe to use the term in relation to my Alice…an…easy woman. One in a line of many women he had dated before, while to me…to me she was my one and only. Well, her infatuation with the brute grew worse. She brought pictures of him in to place on her desk, she would tell me stories about all the lovely places he had taken her for dinner, but I knew his game. I knew exactly what he was after. She, the poor, sweet, innocent child, how could she? She had no knowledge of the world, nor of the sick, twisted creatures who live in it. But he won in the end. He did seduce her, I'm sure of it, because after that, her attitude toward me changed. She no longer had time to listen to my stories, she had no interest in my research. It was all Billy, Billy this, Billy that, Billy, Billy, Billy, until I got sick of hearing the monster's name! And then one day…one day she came to work in tears. She told me that she and the brute had fought, and he had ended their relationship. She was so…distraught. It broke my heart. I wanted to help her, to make her feel better, to get her mind off the beast. So I took her out to dinner. It was a beautiful evening, the most magical evening of my life, and it was like being back with the old Alice again. She was so sweet and generous, kind and solicitous and compassionate. She did care about me. I know she did. But I never made any advances on her – it was a pure and chaste evening, and I went home with a light heart. But I should never have left her alone, for the serpent stealed back and whispered in her ear, whispered poison and lies and deceit, so that when she came to work the next day, she informed me that they were engaged to be married. I was furious and upset, for myself, of course, but mostly for her. For her, for how could she not see him for the monster he was? It was nonsense, an angel like her wanting to marry a brute like him, utter nonsense! And he would hurt her, for the rest of their lives, he would trample her and treat her like dirt. She would regret it, and I could not bear to think of Alice living her life in regret. So I tried to save her from it. I used my mind-control on him and, when I was forced to, on her. It was Batman's doing, all Batman's doing, and I tried to make him pay. I failed. She was reunited with Billy, and I was made out to be the monster, the brute, the villain, when I was only trying to save her, when everything I did was for her own happiness. I would have made her happy, you see. I would have devoted my whole life to making her happy, if she would have let me. But she didn't. She left with the brute, and I was confined here. But I always thought that one day…she would come back to me. She would realize her mistake, that I was not the evil man trying to hurt her, that that was him. That she would see him for the monster he is and leave him, and return to me, who only ever loved her, who only ever wanted to see her happy. But that was…just a dream, Jonathan. Just a dream which fades away, all in the golden afternoon."
There was silence again. "I'm so sorry, Jervis," whispered Crane.
"I can't let it happen, Jonathan," murmured Tetch. "I have to get out of here. I can't let her make that terrible mistake, binding herself to the creature forever. I must find a way to escape."
"If there is anything I can do…" began Crane.
"Just leave me alone to think, if you would," replied Tetch. "I appreciate your sympathy, Jonathan, that is the honest truth, but now is not the time for words, but for thought. There is no problem so great that thinking cannot overcome it."
Crane nodded. "I wish you all the luck in the world," he said sincerely. "I truly do."
