Springkink prompt: Digital Devil Saga, Adil/Roland: tolerating self-hate - You fell in love with the unluckiest man in the whole damn world.


Hands in the Dark

Roland sighed as he let himself fall into bed, his hand landing limply on Adil's bare chest. "You fell in love with the unluckiest man in the whole damn world, Adil."

It took a few moments for Adil to process that sentence, and to make sure that yes, Roland was still sober. "I wouldn't call it falling in love per se..." he trailed off, lightly resting his hand on top of Roland's even as he looked away. He could vaguely feel the shape of Roland's Atma just from its warmth against his chest.

"'Per se'? I've rubbed off on you."

Adil couldn't help the chuckle that escaped his lips. "In more than one way."

There was a brief shuffle of bedcovers at his side. "What would you call it, then?"

After a long moment of silence, Adil shrugged. "How should I know? You're the novelist." He didn't know how to describe... whatever it is that was between them. Hell he wasn't even sure it was love love, given how easily Roland seemed to have jumped right into the sexbots' orgy. Sometimes he wondered if that was the monster coercing Roland into doing its bidding by messing with his hormones, and that was scary to contemplate. "Guess it's..." Friendship? Loyalty? Love? Faith? Devotion? "... train-wreck syndrome."

The laughter that rose from Roland was neither joyful nor sad, just resigned. "Sounds about right."

"That was a joke, Roland," Adil explained as he pinched the hand with the Atma. Huh, it didn't turn into a giant bladed, plated thing. "So what brought that on?"

Roland sighed heavily, his warm breath caressing Adil's shoulder, his fingers curling against Adil's hand. "You didn't see? Fred and Gale. God, when Greg died I... I was happy Fred didn't cry because I wouldn't have known what to say to him. And dammit, I still don't. A freakin' AI is a better father than me."

"That monster isn't..." Adil began without thinking, only to fall silent as Roland's hand twitched. Right. Roland was... one of those too now. "One success doesn't make him a better father than you," he finally said, squeezing Roland's hand in his. He sighed when all he got as an answer was a non-committal noise. "Fine, you were not the best father. But," he added as Roland nudged his ribs with his elbow, "you provided for Fred. You protected him. Given our situation, I'd say he's growing up pretty fine. That counts for something, Roland. You're a better father than many, and the kid isn't even yours."

"You helped out," Roland pointed out in a quiet voice.

"What else was I supposed to do with you two? Twiddle my thumbs while you drank and he tried to be the adult? Apparently someone had to take care of you taking care of him..." He turned to look at Roland; that's when he saw Roland looking at him, a small grin stretching his lips. "What?"

"You are in love."

Adil rolled his eyes as Roland pressed closer. "Fine, call it what you want," he said with a sigh, yielding as usual. Just don't go too far away, he thought as he took Roland's hand in his, pressing his thumb against the ink black Atma.