Author's Note: Hello, and welcome to my fanfic. Warnings are for death and occasional adult behavior...lemons will happen, but will be edited for public consumption on ff.net.
I do not own any of the characters or settings or magic processes contained in this story. This is a work of fanfiction and no money has exchanged hands over this story or the ideas herein. All hail CLAMP.
This story is dedicated to BrokenAngelYue, for all the encouragement and late night chattings. Thank you! ~hugs~
Shattered Heart
"Sakura, wake up."
It was Tomoyo, shaking me gently, brushing hair carefully from my face and generally fussing over me trying to get me to open my eyes. I didn't want to. I never wanted to wake up again. Her hands were persistent though, pulling me against my will to the real world.
"I don't want to," I moaned. I knew what she was going to say before she said it, and they were words I could not stand to hear.
Meiling wept loudly in the other room, reminding me of the story Eriol once told me about banshee in England. Another kind of ghost. These ghosts wailed as harbingers of death...much like Meiling was doing now.
I was suddenly angry. Why was Tomoyo in here, trying to wake me, when her girlfriend needed her more? Didn't she remember that Meiling was Syaoran's cousin? Didn't she remember that Meiling had loved him even longer than I had? Why was she here with me, shaking me, calling me back to life against my will, when her girlfriend needed her? I almost sat up and yelled at her about it, but that would take more energy than I had.
Instead I just rolled over painfully, hugging the cards to my chest, and glared at the blank wall that now faced me. "Go away," I finally muttered.
"Sakura," she admonished gently, "you need to get up now."
"I don't need to do anything."
Didn't she understand? I couldn't do anything. Not now. I'd tried everything, but his body--
No matter what I did, there was no change. It was over.
He was dead.
His body--remained lifeless.
I felt the cards pulse weakly, trying to comfort me and assure me they'd done all they could. I could almost hear their murmured whispers of assurance and love calling me back from whatever brink I was on. I wasn't even sure what that was, where I was headed if I didn't get up.
I just hugged the book closer, clinging to it like a lifeline...and maybe it was. If I lost my will to live, if I gave in to the depression and did the worst, the cards would die as well. So would Yue and Kero-chan. I could never do that, but it was just so painful to think of carrying on after what happened.
"Sakura-chan, please. It's been three days. At least eat something. You need to."
I had tried that though. I had eaten at some point, but it all tasted like ashes and I couldn't eat very much. It had sat like a lump in my stomach for hours. Eating wasn't worth it right now. Nothing was.
The weeping in the other room softened and a deep male voice buzzed slightly from in there. It was soothing even from here, where I could not hear his words. I wondered who it was, but didn't care enough to actually look. It didn't matter who it was. It wasn't Syaoran.
I heard motion behind me and I assumed Tomoyo was finally going to comfort her girlfriend. It was so strange how the two of them ended up together, after--
I felt a warm hand on my back. This close it was impossible to ignore the familiar feeling and warm presence of the man that was now sitting carefully on the bed beside me. I didn't have to look to know who it was. He didn't have to say a word. His touch was enough that his strong magical aura resonated through me and I felt the hollow pit that had been eating at me for three days intensify. I felt like I was being run through with a sword where he touched me. I curled in around that pain and began to sob.
"Sakura-chan, it's time to get up," Eriol's gentle voice called me out of my tears.
"I c-can't," I wailed, unable to control this feeling any longer. If Eriol was here, all the way from England, it meant that all of this was real. No amount of lying in bed and denying it would change anything. It was beyond my magic, it was beyond my hope, it was now beyond my ability to pretend that Syaoran was somehow not dead.
I felt his arms slip around me, comforting and strong, but they weren't the arms I wanted. Didn't he understand that? He couldn't comfort me like this. It just made me hurt more and miss--
Eriol picked me up in one smooth motion, lifting me from my bed as easily as if I were a child. I squawked inelegantly, clinging to him for balance. He began to carry me like this, holding me against his chest while I protested and demanded that he put me down--but I didn't fight too hard, and I didn't do anything to stop him. We both knew I could have, but we both knew I didn't really want to.
He walked directly to the bathroom, dumping me unceremoniously on my feet under the shower. I didn't move. I stood there, dressed in my nightgown, glaring at him. He shrugged, and suddenly the water turned on of its own accord. Or, with a little magical help from a certain blue-eyed magician with a penchant for mischief.
"If you don't start scrubbing, I'll be forced to wash you myself," he stated.
I narrowed my eyes to intensify the glare. I had learned from two of the best on how to glare effectively. "You wouldn't dare," I said, coldly.
He took off his glasses and set them aside, moving to join me under the spray.
I squeaked.
"Okay, okay, I'll get clean. Can I have a little privacy so I can do this right at least?"
He bowed and retrieved his glasses, leaving me alone.
I struggled out of the wet material, then concentrated on getting clean. Standing here alone was...strange. No, Syaoran and I never showered together, it wasn't anything like that. It was just that this was such a mundane task. How could I do something so simple when the world had suddenly changed so much? There was also the strange feeling of being watched, and I wondered if Syaoran was standing there as a ghost. I started crying again, half in fear and half in longing. I'd never know if he was really looking. Once upon a time Onii-chan might have told me, but my own weakness had made that impossible.
My own weakness.
I shivered under the water that ran over my body, only realizing now just how cold it was. I turned the tap to warm it quickly. I may have been grieving, but sometimes some things would snap me out of the haze I was in. The cold water finally managed it. I almost felt alive again, and I didn't quite regret that. Not as much as I thought I would.
When I was finished I realized I only had my towel to cover myself, and I just hoped no one would notice. Then again, I supposed it didn't matter. The one I wanted to see me like this would never see me like this at all. With a sigh I walked out, all the essentials covered, but feeling naked nevertheless.
When I got back to my room, I looked at the bed longingly. It was tempting to curl up there and never leave. Too tempting. I stared for a minute before I heard a chuckle from behind me.
"You know what he'd say if he saw you looking at the bed that way."
I jumped, whirling around and blushing down to my toes. "What are you doing in here?"
"Only waiting to tell you that. I'll be back when you're done, Sakura-chan." Eriol placed a gentle hand on my shoulder as he passed me, then walked out the door.
I don't remember the rest of that day. Well, I remember that things happened. I said kind things. Others said kind things. We went out to dinner and I ate something that was placed in front of me. People kept coming up to me, coming up to Meiling, and each of us would smile a little, sometimes cry, and then it was another person saying something. All the faces looked the same. I think Onii-chan said something kind, but I don't remember what.
I wanted the day to be over and done with.
Once it was though, I didn't want it to be over already. I had been surrounded by people all day and felt like everything was going to cave in on me and crush me under the weight of people, some of whom I didn't even know. Syaoran's relatives that couldn't find a way to go to our wedding with a year of warning were here now after only three days. It was all too much to take, until I found myself standing in front of the dark, empty house, digging for my keys, standing alone.
Kero would be there, waiting for me. He'd make sure I didn't do anything stupid. He'd force me to cook at least, even if he couldn't force me to eat it. Eventually it would smell good again when I cooked, so I'd eat at some point. I hoped. That is, I hoped food would smell appetizing some day.
I slumped against the door, leaning my forehead on the frame as I slid the key into the slot. It wasn't locked. I just knew it wasn't. I didn't care. I pulled the key back out and put my hand on the knob, but I didn't turn it. I just stood there.
The door opened.
I should have been expecting it. Somehow I wasn't, but I wasn't surprised either. I was just thankful. I found myself falling into his arms like a marionette whose strings had been cut. He held me, he guided me inside, and he wiped away the tears gently when I finally finished crying. It was a long time that I sat there, sobbing into his arms, sinking into the couch next to him, touching and holding and crying and wishing....
I finally looked into his eyes as they sparkled in the soft light. He smiled at me and I melted.
"Sakura," he began gently, but I cut him off.
"Don't go."
"I must. If I stay, I'll just hurt you."
I frowned, feeling a stubborn glare start to build within me. The kind of glare I used to use on Onii-chan. "You'd never do anything to hurt me."
"That's why I have to go."
My hands were balling into fists, denying his words. "It will hurt if you leave me again."
"That's why this is the last time. I'm here to say goodbye."
I knew it. I had known it all along. It still nearly killed me to have him say it. "Don't. Please, just don't."
His hands were soft as he wiped away the fresh stream of tears, and I didn't feel like crying anymore. "I want you to remember one thing. I want you to be happy. More than anything."
I wanted to ask him how he thought I could be happy without him, but the words wouldn't come. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to be hurt anymore. I just wrapped my arms around him possessively.
"I love you, Sakura."
"I love you, Syaoran."
He smiled and kissed me softly on the forehead. His fingers brushed against my lips. Then he was gone.
It was the last time I saw my husband.
