Author's Note: This story starts out depressing. No, really. I'm sorry! It *will* get better. I promise. Pairings are Yue/Sakura and Touya/Tomoyo. Okay, okay, I'm giving a lot away just by saying that. ~sigh~ Can you trust me to make the story interesting enough to give away such vital info?
This story was written under the instigation of L-chan, and I am forever grateful. Thank you!
I do not own the characters, the settings, the magic, or the chapter titles in this story. Kudos to anyone who knows where the titles all came from!
"Of the Dark, Black Night"
In the end, Touya was left staring at Yukito with a cold, dark intensity that would have made him shiver even an hour before. Now though, Yukito simply matched it with a glare of his own and he wondered where he had found the strength to maintain it. He ended it with words that were designed to cut as deep as he had been cut, and he smiled as he said them. "I don't need you any more, Touya. Find someone else you can take care of, because I'm sick of it."
"After all I've done for you, this is how you repay me?"
Yukito's reply came from deep within him, the place he had come to recognize as his true self. These words came from Yue, and were said with his dismissive tone. "I repay you by keeping Sakura safe. If you wanted more you should have made a more comprehensive contract."
Touya was beyond words, eyes wide and stunned as if he had been punched in the gut. No physical blow could have hit harder. "Kaho used me less harshly...and more honestly."
The fight died between them, suddenly. Lines had finally been crossed. Words that neither had dared say before had been exchanged, and they both knew there was no turning back from this point. It was irreparable, and they both knew it. In their hearts they said a silent goodbye for what had once been a deep love, but thinking of what it had become kept their tongues silent from apology. It should have been over long before.
"Get out, Kinomoto," he spat. "I never want to see you again." Yukito held back the tears, but only just. He turned his back on Touya and waited.
"I'd rather see Akizuki," came the hissed reply, followed by the slam of the door.
Only then could Yukito mourn for what had been and what would never be again.
~~~~~@~~~~~
Sakura was bent over her homework, scowling as the numbers on the page seemed to all blur together. A knock at the door gave her an excuse to drop it, with a half-hearted thought of returning to it later. She threw the door open enthusiastically, smiling happily at whoever had saved her from her terrible fate.
Yukito stood there, looking dazed.
"Y-Yukito-san?" She had never seen a look on his face like that before. He didn't answer, he just walked into the room like a puppet on strings, and when the door closed behind him those strings were cut. She was faced suddenly with the form of her moon guardian, Yue, with an expression on his face of pure anguish. "Yue-san! What's wrong?"
He didn't answer. He fought for control, blinking rapidly, holding back the tears with the force of his will as she guided him to sit down at the edge of her bed. He was breathing deeply in an exact rhythm that told Sakura he was obviously focusing on that one thing to keep from thinking of whatever was causing him pain. "I can't. Not yet." He shook his head slowly, begging her with his eyes to not ask about it.
Sakura nearly panicked, wondering what could bring Yue to this point. The only time she had known him to be so upset was when she had finally been able to get him to open up and talk about Clow. Reliving that loss had brought her stoic moon guardian to tears like this. She couldn't imagine anything else causing him such pain...unless--
No. Sakura closed her eyes, checking every person she loved quickly, making sure that they were alive. No one was missing, no one was damaged, and more than that she would not check out of respect for everyone's privacy.
She wrapped her arms around Yue, holding his head to her chest in what she hoped would be a motherly manner, and stroked his long hair. She had never imagined being a comfort to her distant guardian in this way, but now it came naturally. It felt right to hold him like this.
The phone rang.
The temptation was strong to just ignore it and continue offering comfort. Yue had started to relax before the phone rang, but the sound made him stiffen in surprise. He pulled away, remembering himself and his distant demeanor. It was with a sad sigh that she stood and picked up the phone, vowing internally to not let things stay there once the phone conversation was complete.
"Sakura-chan, daijobu?" The voice was unmistakably Eriol, and the concern in his voice was soothing.
"I'm fine," she answered softly, looking across the room at where Yue was curled up around himself. He didn't even look up at her, so she kept her attention trained on the phone call.
"I was worried because I could feel you checking to be sure everyone was safe. You seemed worried."
She paused, wondering what to answer. Her worry had given much more energy and presence to her questing than strictly necessary. She shouldn't have been surprised that someone would have noticed.
"It's nothing to worry about," she said as casually as she could, cursing herself for worrying people even half way around the world. Syaoran would probably be calling next, and he'd be frantic....
As if he were reading her thoughts, Eriol said, "I'll tell Syaoran-kun that all is well. He insisted that I call you right away when--"
"What? He's there with you?" Even as she asked, she could hear his voice in the background.
"You didn't know?" Eriol sounded surprised...and a little concerned. A hurried conversation took place in rapid English, leaving Sakura in the dust. She heard a few words she recognized, but not enough to understand what they were saying. "Hold on, please," was the only warning she got before she heard the phone changing hands.
"Sakura?"
Her heart leapt into her throat, making it hard to speak at first. She hadn't heard from him in years. "Syaoran!"
There was a very long pause, sapping the energy she had been bubbling with at hearing his voice again. "Syaoran, what's wrong?"
She could almost see his reaction before he uttered a sound. Shock, a scowl, and-- "What makes you think something is wrong?"
"We haven't talked in a very long time, but I still know you very well, don't I?"
"Aa," he uttered softly. "I suppose you do. I'm sorry it's been so long, but Mother insisted I keep to my training without distractions."
This confused Sakura. "I thought Eriol called from his home...you're both in Hong Kong?"
"No. Eriol has been teaching me Western magic--"
His voice went on, but Sakura stopped listening. When Syaoran had said Eriol's name there had been something to it...something she had once heard in his voice when he said her own name. She couldn't describe it, but she knew it was there. She wondered for a moment if he was aware of it himself, but as he kept talking she realized he must. He finally wound down and she knew for sure. "Sakura, I've been wanting to talk to you. I have something important to say."
"You're not coming back to Tomoeda." She said it with finality, knowing the answer as surely as she knew her name was Sakura and she was the Mistress of the Cards. It was indisputable fact.
"Yes, but how--"
"I told you, I know you Syaoran." She fought to keep her voice light, but tears were already beginning to prick at the corners of her eyes. Some rapid blinking worked to keep them under control at first. "You're in love though, aren't you?"
She could feel him blushing at her words. He stuttered and stammered and tried to deny it, but she could tell. He finally, after an agonizingly long time, said, "Maybe. I don't know. Sakura, I--"
"It's okay," she said softly. Her tears were flowing down her face, but she kept her voice steady and kept a smile on her face. "I release you. I just want to be happy."
They were both silent, but Sakura knew that the conversation wasn't quite finished yet. He could deny it at any time...tell her that he wouldn't return simply because he wanted to fly her to him when it was time...he could say any number of things to make it all better. He was quiet. He was quiet so long that it was becoming painful for Sakura to hold in the sobs that threatened to rob her of control.
What he finally said was the most painful thing she thought she'd ever hear.
The words were so quiet, so softly said with his rich, velvety voice. "Thank you, Sakura."
As one they hung up the phones, unable to add anything else.
A detached numbness settled over her even as more tears slid silently down her face. Her chin quivered, but she fought to keep her breathing steady. It was done. Her happy ending had ended. The fairy tale shattered around her. She forgot entirely that she wasn't alone in her room as her mind blanked from overload. This wasn't supposed to happen. Not after...not after...
They had fought so hard to be together in the first place! Yet, the years had stolen what the Void card could not. At that moment, when he had finally, finally smiled at her and the world had returned she thought her future was assured, set in stone. There was no room for breaking up. Something so mundane should not have touched them.
An irrational fit of anger rose up in her. This was Yue's fault! If he hadn't come into her room, hurting so badly, she would never have probed, would never have called attention to herself, and Syaoran would never--
But she looked across the room, remembering that Yue was still there. She looked into his shocked eyes and couldn't blame him for what happened. She couldn't feel anything at all like that toward him because a sudden flash of empathy told her exactly what he was going through. They had both lost their most important person this night. There had been no catastrophes except the ones they had brought upon themselves, in one way or another.
She wasn't aware of walking back across the room to sit by Yue's side. She was just suddenly there, in his arms, and they both cried their silent, bitter tears. No words were exchanged. No words were needed. They were two souls in agony, using the other to hold back the emotional abyss gaping beneath them.
~~~~~@~~~~~
Touya walked for a long time, dazed and hurting more than he could say. He could return to his tiny, one-room apartment, but he couldn't stand the thought of being alone. He'd never spent much time in that place anyway. It had never been a haven, it had been a place where Touya stored his things and occasionally slept. It was worth paying for to keep around, but it had never felt like home.
He supposed he'd have to get used to the idea that it was home now. He couldn't go back to Yuki. That was over.
He absently kicked a pile of leaves at the side of the path. He knew that it had been building like this between them for a while. Indifference building a chasm between them, occasionally breached by a bout of passion that was as likely to be a fight as it was a kiss--or more. They had grown accustomed to each other, and that is why it took them so long to reach this point. Nothing else.
Touya felt a thrill of fear for the great unknown he now faced, but overshadowing that was relief. It was over. The familiar litany shared by those in a relationship would no longer wear at him. They were words that had been said so many times that even "I love you" had begun to wear thin. Or, maybe it had been the first to go.
He found himself passing through the dimly lit park on a whim. At this time of night there would be no one to see him, to challenge his expression and act out any concern. He could just mope anonymously in the dark and easily shift his expression to a more neutral set long before anyone could see him that well. It sounded like a perfect plan to Touya, so he slowed his pace to a near crawl and replayed the last few months over and over in his mind until he was sick and tired of Yukito's smug and condescending fake little smile and patently false "oblivious" attitude.
Or, that's what he tried to convince himself it was. It was nice to think that he could flip a switch and hate Yuki. It fit in with how he thought relationships should work after they were ended. It had almost worked a decade ago with Kaho. Before she had returned he had built up plenty of anger and resentment toward her, and almost convinced himself he could actually hate her.
Maybe he just knew better now.
His contemplation was cut short as he passed the playground. A young woman was sitting on the swings, swaying ever-so-slightly. He almost turned right around to give her the privacy she had obviously sought by coming here at this time of night, but as soon as his back was turned he realized he recognized her. He began walking toward her again, trying to puzzle out who this young woman could be. Why did she seem so familiar?
She began humming a familiar tune and the sound caught on the wind, carried directly to his ear. It was a sad, melancholy song that his mother used to sing, and so it was dear to his heart. He had forgotten most of the lyrics, but he walked closer to try to hear the whole thing. Touya was as silent as he could be, straining to hear and not wanting to interrupt.
He found himself standing almost directly behind her, humming softly in response as she began to sing. She was clutching paper to her chest, looking downward, and still swaying on the swing. The sense of familiarity was strong now, and he couldn't figure out why he hadn't immediately known who this was.
"Konban wa, Daidouji-san."
She jumped, breathing sharply as if to scream. The breath came out in a rush when she turned and saw that he wasn't a threat. "Kinomoto-san, you scared me!"
"I'm sorry," he said softly, grinning at her. "I was walking quietly so that I could hear what you were singing, and I didn't realize you hadn't seen me." He immediately wanted to hit himself for that--of course she hadn't seen him, he had been behind her! "You don't have to be so formal with me, we've known each other for years. Call me Touya," he instructed, trying to change the subject before she pointed out the obvious.
She giggled immediately. "You started it."
Touya played back the conversation and again had the urge to inflict self-injury. Instead he moved over to the swing next to her and sat down. "So I did," he admitted, slapping himself in the forehead with the heel of his hand. "I suppose we both know better now?"
The smile she wore lit up her eyes. "Yes."
There was a lull in the conversation, neither of them familiar enough with the other to know what to really say. Touya's eyes fell on her hands, still clutching at papers she held to her breast protectively. "What do you have there?"
"Love letter," she blushed, shoving it quickly into her purse.
"You have an admirer?"
"No. I wrote it."
"Oh, I didn't realize you had a boyfriend."
"I don't," she admitted softly, not meeting Touya's eyes. "There is one person that I write letters to on a regular basis, and I always write twice as many as I receive. First I write to send my undying love and devotion, and then I hide that letter. Next I write a rational reply to his letter, and that is the one I send."
They were both silent for a few moments. Touya just didn't know what to say to that. It wasn't his place to judge, but whoever she was writing to was missing out on something very special. He opened his mouth to say so, but she spoke first.
"You probably think I'm pathetic, that I'm a silly little girl for not being able to say something like this. You'd be right of course--but I can't tell him how I feel. He'd never return my feelings. I think that's why I fell for him."
"What? Why would you fall for someone if--"
"Because it's safer to love someone who won't love you back." Tears slid down her cheeks, and she quickly swiped them away. "If you know it's hopeless from the start, then you never have to have your hopes crushed. There aren't any sleepless nights, wondering if you'll be hurt, and no terrifying days where you'll wonder if you're going to hurt the one you love. And...as long as they're happy...it doesn't matter who causes that happiness...because...because..."
"Because the one you love is happy," Touya finished in a low voice, almost choking on the words.
She nodded, almost violently.
Touya fished out a handkerchief, thrusting it at her angrily. That was the worst thing he had ever heard, and whoever had told her that should be shot. Didn't she deserve happiness of her own? She obviously *wasn't* happy with seeing this guy happy with someone else. He wondered if she thought she was being selfish for wanting to be loved.
"If that were true, the human race would have died out a long time ago," he growled.
She blinked up at him, obviously startled.
"T-Touya-san?"
"There's nothing wrong with wanting to be loved in return, okay?" He stood suddenly and began to walk away.
She gasped. "How did you--how did you know?" There was hurt and shock in her voice, and he could almost see the wide-eyed stare she gave him, but he didn't turn back. He just kept walking, unable to face her.
He was too busy trying to figure out why he was so angry. What she said shouldn't have pushed him one way or another. She was practically a stranger, so her messed up views on love shouldn't bother him at all. Tomoyo was just his little sister's friend. That's all.
So, what was it she had said that had hit so close to home?
"Because it's safer to love someone who won't love you back."
"There aren't any sleepless nights, wondering if you'll be hurt, and no terrifying days where you'll wonder if you're going to hurt the one you love."
He remembered the fight he had with Yuki, all of it coming back with vivid clarity. He had hurt the one he loved. He had been hurt. And this little girl was telling him that it all wasn't worth it at all.
She was right.
This much pain, this much anger and humiliation, it wasn't worth it. He had given everything for someone who had just thrown it all back in his face. But she was also dead wrong. It was only safer to love someone who couldn't love you back if they never knew.
That was the solution.
To love from afar and never show it again.
He could do that, right? He had done it for years, loving his best friend from afar, never letting on....
But it didn't work.
Tomoyo was proof that it wouldn't work.
The only solution was to never love again.
And yet...he remembered his mother and father, when he was young and she was still alive, telling their little boy about how they had met and fallen in love. He had said they were silly for falling in love with each other when her family wouldn't like him. His mother had said simply, "You can't help who you fall in love with."
She was right.
Of course she was right.
Touya balled his fists and threw a punch at a nearby tree.
There was no solution. The only answer was that this was hopeless. He was doomed to feel this pain over and over again.
He hit the tree again. And again. And again. He found himself pummeling it, doing no damage except to lose pieces of bark and to his own hands. He didn't care. It felt good to just get it all out. He even landed a few kicks on the solid trunk before the anger drained from him and he just felt silly. Here he was, a grown man, throwing punches at a helpless tree in the middle of a haunted park at night. He laughed. Even when he looked at his raw and bloodied knuckles he laughed, seeing the ridiculous in everything.
With a jaunty whistle he began the trek home. He'd clean the cuts and try his best to bandage them. He had aspirin, and that would help with the pain he'd be feeling when the adrenalin wore off.
For now though, this was the best he had felt in a long time.
