This is easily the worst Harry Potter fanfiction ever written. Sure, this is a ripoff of many comics I've seen in the past all combined into one, if that's any clue to you. And most of those comics weren't HP related.
This has some mild cussing and violence, and perhaps later on it will comtain hints of gay couplings. It would have more detail and less crudity, but I wrote it at 2 in the morning.
Flames would be apreciated (no seriously, they would).
Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.
Harry Potter, of the boy's dormitory, Gryffindor Tower, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, on the other hand… Well, we'll cover that later.
All you really need to know about Harry is that he's a skinny wizard with black hair, green eyes, glasses, and a lightning-bolt shaped scar that represents a very intriguing past. On this particular day, he was staying at an inn in Diagon Alley, and pacing outside a newly opened "Enchanted Antiques" store.
Things seemed perfectly normal until he passed a mirror propped up next to the shop door. He was used to having strange things happen, like his reflection talking to him about the state of his hair, but there was something simply wrong with his reflection.
He doubled back to look at himself. He knew perfectly well that he was dressed in plain jeans and a black T-shirt, and yet his reflection's garb was something very different. His reflection sported a fishnet shirt that had been ripped open in several places, and overlarge black pants, which were decked out with many chains, bondage rings, and even fake glowing bloodstains. He also wore a golden hoop earring, bondage collar, crucifix necklace, and some of the heaviest Evil eye makeup this world has ever seen.
That wouldn't have been too alarming if the mirror was enchanted. However, the label on the mirror guaranteed this was not the case.
"I look so weird!" Harry claimed loudly, assuming that if his reflection was enchanted, it would get angry. "Absolutely despicable. I look like I'm preparing for a rape scene."
The mirror didn't get mad. It only screamed out, with exaggerated agony, "My clothes! I look like a faggot! Seeing myself like this, it's worse than the Cruciatus Curse- oh, the end is nigh!" That successfully got a rise out of Harry.
"At least I don't look like a freak!" Harry yelled back, ignoring the fact that both he and his offensive reflection were on a busy public street. His reflection took a step back, his eyes swelling. Apparently, he wasn't aware that he was the reflection, and must have felt miffed at the idea of his own reflection insulting him.
Arms shot out of the mirror as the reflection actually began to crawl out of the glass. Harry was far too shocked to react in time as wand was knocked from his hand, and he was held up by his collar. "I'm going to destroy you!" Evil Harry hissed. Now that he was in Harry's face, Evil's makeup was even more wild.
"You're wearing makeup, sissy boy!" Harry spat out, in hopes of disarming his new enemy.
"Touché," Evil Harry sighed. He let go of Harry abruptly, and the shocked boy fell flat on his face. The Harry from the Mirror merely stood there, looking around at all the people that were busily ignoring them. "Is the sun normally this vile here? If I get a sunburn, I'm going to force you into rubbing After-Burn Anti-Sun lotion on me. I'll use the Imperius if I have to!"
"Good luck," Harry calmly sang. Sure, his voice sounded calm, but his mind was racing in alarm. For all he knew, this was part of another one of Voldemort's plots to kill him. Normal reflections didn't leave their mirrors, nor threaten to torture and possess you. He slowly began to reach for his fallen wand, hoping that Evil Harry wouldn't notice, but- "ARGH!" Having your foot stamped on by a guy in clawed boots can be a rather painful experience.
Before he could further access the situation, Evil had pounced at him, throwing punches and kicks. Being wandless and rather mad at this wicked reflection, Harry threw back punches and kicks of his own. Evil Harry played rather brutally, ripping at his hair, aiming for the crotch, smashing glasses, and finally jamming his cross into Harry's eye.
"You got your cross in my eye!" Harry screamed at that instance.
"Exquisite pain! Yes! Yes!" Evil laughed demoniacally, bowling Harry over. Unfortunately for him, Harry could now reach his wand.
Within seconds, an alarmed Evil was pinned to the ground by Harry Potter, a wan directed at his throat. "You're pinned, you evil… thing," Harry panted. "Give up!"
"Oh, but I have yet to start," Evil whispered. His green eyes, exactly like his captors, glinted maliciously. His hand shifted slightly, and to Harry's great alarm, he produced and 11-inch long Holly wand with a Phoenix core from his pocket. "Accio Fluffy!"
"Fluffy?" Harry gasped. "You have Fluffy? Fluffy as in, the massive three-headed dog!"
"Be quiet!" The pinned Evil commanded, his face strained with concentration as he tried to make his summoning spell work. Recalling the nature of the spell, Harry instantly resolved to break Evil's concentration.
"If it's not the big dog, than what is it? Your gothic poodle? Oh, how scary!" Evil flinched and looked away. For a moment Harry thought he had succeeded, but then he realized that Evil was looking at the mirror.
'Fluffy! You came!' Evil hissed with delight. Harry shivered. Evil was speaking Parsletongue, the snake language which Harry often wished he didn't understand. Harry turned slowly to the mirror, expecting to see a basilisk or some similar serpentine monster that would surely end his life.
What he saw was a cute little cobra with a pink ribbon tied around it's neck, slowly sliding out of the mirror and hissing a happy tune to itself, bobbing it's head to the beat.
Harry burst into peels of laughter. "Maybe a gothic poodle would have been scarier!"
He felt a light touch to his nose, and stared at Evil as he was pushed back by the proboscis, inch by inch. Suddenly, he was sprawled out on his back, and Evil was standing over him with the most vile look of triumphant glee. The most terrifying thing was that it was Harry's face that gave off such an evil leer. Fluffy the Cobra swayed happily as she coiled through his arms.
'What can I do ye for, master?' Fluffy hissed cheerfully.
'Strangle him,' Harry commanded her, hoping it would work.
'Should I?' Fluffy asked Evil, swaying to look at him.
'No!' Evil hissed. Then he turned back to Harry, grabbed his shoulder, and hauled him carelessly onto his feet. He switched to plain English, caring nothing for the crowd that surrounded them. "I almost feel sorry for you. You're about to feel the mighty wrath of Fluffy!"
Harry couldn't stop himself from cracking up. That was rather short-lived, however. His evil reflection was inches from his face, a very wicked grin in place. "Prepare yourself," He demanded sinisterly.
Harry squawked in mortification as Evil unbuttoned and unzipped his pants. "What are you doing?" Harry yelled. He received no answer as Evil tilted an arm toward his nearly exposed crotch.
'Dive, Fluffy!' Evil commanded, depositing the happy snake into Harry's trousers.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!"
Poor Harry. This will be interesting.
