Refuse.

Its all over, forget about it. Just stop trying to remember… Please… Just let it go.

It was easier said than done. Jack had made it to a shabby motel after a 6 hour walk following the train tracks. He was beyond exhausted when he collapsed on the bed in the first time since what seemed to be forever. But he couldn't sleep despite his condition, too much had happened and it was all still processing.

He was dead. Well, Bauer was. How was he supposed to feel? Happy that he had escaped death, no. Upset that he had to leave his life behind? Yes. To an extent. There were times when he had wanted nothing more than to just leave, to stop being Jack Bauer, but he couldn't. He couldn't just quit and give up, it wasn't in his nature. But now the chance to leave had presented itself and he had been given no choice but to accept it. It wasn't like he planned this, it wasn't exactly what he wanted but now it was all he had.

Why did he feel disappointment at the thought of being erased? When he and Tony had hurriedly talked outside the locker room part of him had felt relief. Not at putting his daughter through more pain, but that finally, there was another option he could take rather than be forced to do something which would result in more pain, pain he knew he couldn't take. Even death, he knew wouldn't save him, he'd have an eternity of suffering then. Pretending to be dead was the lesser of two evils, even if it was the selfish option.

But really, what was it that was bothering him so much? Was it the emptiness he had expected to feel, but hadn't? He hadn't thought for a moment that being killed would take away his conscience or his guilt, but now he felt as though he had expected something. Maybe it was numbness, maybe that's what he was supposed to feel. But why didn't he feel that either?

He couldn't say that it hadn't yet hit him as he knew it had. Walking down those tracks he had felt ill, his entire body was trembling and his head pounded. All he could see were images of the day, Kim, Paul, Audrey, Heller, Chloe, Tony - everybody who he had cared about at one point; everybody he had to leave behind. The images had flashed through his mind and his brain swam. He had felt like he was on a rollercoaster ride that he couldn't get off of, he was trapped and scared and he wanted to go back. But there was no back now, there was nothing.

He had collapsed onto the ground by the side of the tracks and vomited, before crawling away from the mess on his hands and knees and then dropping to the ground once again. He had wrapped his arms around his stomach to try and feel some kind of comfort, but he didn't. He expected to feel empty then but he didn't. He felt full, bloated with the images of the people he had let down, the people he would hurt by pretending to be dead. He had felt as though he was going to burst at the seams and he screamed out loud until his throat started to hurt.

After that, he got it together. Pulling himself up to his feet once more he began to walk away, it was a stagger at first until he got back into a rhythm, he was still so tired. And so confused. After his outburst it all seemed to fade away. Not disappear, he knew it would never disappear, but somehow he seemed lighter.

That was what troubled him now. Why wasn't he crying and shouting and wanting to go back anymore? Why wasn't he wanting to shoot up to get rid of the thoughts of Kim and Chase believing he was dead? He felt tremendous guilt at the thought of them, but he knew he should feel more.

Why wasn't he punishing himself enough?

END

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