AN: So this will hopefully be a collection of one-shot reflective monologues from many fandoms, updates will be sporadic at best, and either the quality may vary, or I will update very rarely.

Dorian on Simon

I can't love him. I can't make it fair… but I still miss him, of course I do. He did an amazing thing for me, and I owe him, but the one thing I should give him that he deserves from me is something I cannot make myself do.
I understand why he's gone, but I miss him. He taught me a lot… no, he didn't. I learned a lot about myself from him. It's not the same, and it's important that it's not. No one can teach me, I'm too pig headed and arrogant, hah. Maybe that's it, he refuses to fight back, won't raise his voice, and won't look at me with anything other than admiration. It hurts me to know that I can't be fair to him.

Maybe I should be glad he's gone. It would hurt me so much to see his face every day, see his love grow until he couldn't take it anymore, because I know one day he would. It would be too much, and he would go, one way or the other. Maybe he'd say goodbye, maybe he wouldn't… maybe he'd just vanish one day, clothes gone, no note… or maybe he would leave a note, on the fridge… does it matter. It won't happen. I wouldn't go looking for him. That's how I know. I know I don't love him. To look for him would be to prolong the pain for both of us, for me because it would for him.

You may think that is loving him, but it's not, I know it's not. I've felt love before, and it's more than just a shared emotion. Love is about time, and eternity, and the effect on the soul. HA! Soul! Me and my soul. That's how I know. He has a soul… I don't know anymore, which makes me think I don't… if I do its not mine anymore, it belongs to someone else… the devil perhaps.

What about Toby? Toby was different; to love Toby needs no soul, because there is no soul to love. IS, yes is, no past tense, I still love him, how could I not? Toby could teach me and I could help him. Killing has a price whoever and whyever it may be. I could feel it when he drank from me.
Not at first, at first it was just the sensations, the smell, the sound, and the light… but later, I learned to keep myself, not to get lost in the beauty of it all. Especially at the end… instead, I looked at Toby, not physically, that was sadly impractical, but mentally and… almost spiritually. I am haunted by my demons, by the people I have killed, they are omnipresent and omniscient, but Toby. His victims are gone, and that brings its own kind of haunting. I fill the space in my head with everything, with new experiences and sensations for the sake of being alive. Toby just had a hole, an empty vacuum that sucked at him like a black hole. I filled that hole, I made it Gray.
Toby was what I might have become if I had stopped to think, instead of running, always running away from my sins… no not my sins, I revelled in my sins... I ran away from my regrets.

Oh Oscar, you were right. Regrets gather around me like Pavlov's dogs around a bell, I never thought they would. I'll never die, so I'll never run out of time to make them better, to correct my mistakes, and fix the hole. It's amazing what you can learn in an eternity. I can't go back as much as I thought. The world changes so fast. People vanish and… I'm left.

I've considered seeking out more like Toby, maybe that would be an appropriate 'good deed' to make up for some of the… not so good deeds I've done. Saving lives right? Think of it as charitable giving, like an advert on the TV, "Just two pints a month," "give blood."

I think I'm a little hysterical. Not totally mind, just a little. Best to keep a cool head at a time like this. I quit my job, if I wanted to change I needed to get away from them, maybe I should have brought them with me, helped them get clean…
They wouldn't have wanted my help, and I'm not that good, or that strong. Like I said, I've left now, it's too late. I'm making new friends, we're not close, I never am… Simon was the closest anyone got and that was just a moment of…. Weakness? Strength?